Chapter Forty-Six:
Patrick was on a mission. He made his way to Robin's apartment and he had to get her to talk to someone. She had been alone for too long and he knew how that bothered her. She was almost imposing a self-exile and he couldn't let her do that.
He figured he could tell her about Aaron and maybe they could work together on his case. He needed her to see her value, not only to him and Emma, but to the world. He hated how she was so dejected. He hated all of this.
But he couldn't breathe when he thought of her being hurt the way she was. As strong as she was, and he never met anyone stronger, he knew how much this hurt her. The thought of what she endured just made him crazy.
He pulled up to the lot and parked, making his way to her door. He knocked and waited.
"Robin? Open the door," he called out and waited, but there was nothing.
He ran his hand through his hair and sighed before he pulled out his key and used it, walking into the dark apartment.
"Robin? It's Patrick," he said as he turned the light on and locked the door.
Making his way to the bedroom, he could hear his heart pounding in his chest. He should never have left her alone.
He saw her sitting on the floor in her bathrobe, staring at the bed.
"Robin?"
She didn't move or acknowledge him and he walked over, kneeling in front of her.
"Robin? Are you okay?" he reached and took her hand, checking her pulse.
She looked at him and sighed, her tears spilling over her cheeks.
"It's just a bed."
He moved and sat down next to her.
"It is."
"You would think I could understand that. I should be able to sleep in a bed. I should be able to put this behind me."
He hesitated and then spoke.
"Do you remember when you were dealing with postpartum depression?"
She looked at him and the hurt was behind her eyes.
"Of course I do."
He took her hand in his and felt his own eyes fill with tears.
"You tried so hard to work your way out of it. You punished yourself for not being able to just be okay."
She took her hand away and wiped her eyes.
"That was a medical condition, Patrick. This isn't. There is no chemical imbalance that needs to be fixed."
He smoothed her long hair back and smiled.
"My point is that you aren't super human. You always push yourself beyond what any person should have to handle and I need for you to let me help you."
She was quiet for a minute and then she sighed.
"Why are you here?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, this is my apartment and I think I locked the door. Why are you here?"
He looked at his hands and then stood up.
"I was worried about you."
"You don't need to worry about me. You got me to admit what might have happened and since then, I have been remembering more and more. You don't need to worry about me or sit here and simply wait for me to explode."
"Stop pushing me away," he said as he looked at her. "I love you and I want to help you. I don't think it's my responsibility. I simply want to help you. Please let me."
She stood up and walked to the dresser.
"I don't need to be taken care of."
"I disagree. I think it's time you let me in. I think you're so mad at me, at this whole situation and I get that, but I also know you and I know you are in trouble. I think you should go to GH and talk to someone who can help you."
"Well I can do that without you, so you don't need to worry."
"Or you can stop being a martyr and let me support you."
She glared at him and crossed her arms.
"I just think it's too late for you to swoop in and save me. I needed that a long time ago and when it didn't happen, I survived. It's what I do, Patrick. I'll survive."
"You were just waiting to throw that one out, weren't you?"
She shrugged and walked out of the room and into the main area.
"I didn't come here uninvited. If you continue to push me, then I will push back."
"I am not pushing you. I came here to talk to you about Aaron and found you staring at the bed. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel safe. I want you to look at me and not hate me," he felt his voice catch as his breath caught in his throat and he stumbled back.
"Patrick? What is it?" she asked as she took his hand.
He sat down hard on the floor and pulled her with him, almost blacking out.
"Okay, just breathe in and out," she said as he lay back. She went and grabbed her bag, pulling out a stethoscope and listening to his chest.
"Shit," she said as his pulse was racing. "Hey, look at me, please," she held his face in her hands and he tried to focus on her.
"That's right," she said softly. "Just breathe."
He took a few deep breaths and his heart rate began to return to normal. He sat up and leaned against the couch and she went and got him some water. He took a drink and was quiet while she checked his pulse again.
"Has this happened before?" she asked.
He went to talk when he got up and ran to the bathroom, just making it before he got sick. He cleaned up and opened the door, walking out to see her standing there, waiting.
"I'm sorry. I'm just going to go home," he walked past her and she stopped him, holding his arm. He didn't look at her.
"Please don't go."
He sighed and turned to face her.
"I just had a fucking panic attack and I came here to help you. I really need to leave and stop making both of us miserable."
She smiled and he looked incredulously at her.
"Is this funny?"
"No," she said softly. "It's just nice to know that you have aren't perfect."
He was speechless.
"Like you ever thought I was perfect," he said with a smile.
She looked up into his eyes and laughed.
"I thought certain parts of you were perfect."
They were both quiet and she blushed.
"I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that," she turned and walked to sit on the couch.
He followed and sat down next to her, rubbing his eyes.
"Do you know one of the things I missed the most these past few years?"
"What's that?"
He looked at his hands and smiled.
"Arguing with you."
She raised her eyebrows.
"Seriously?"
"Robin, you challenged me more than anyone has ever challenged me in my life. I was better at everything I did because you pushed me to be better. You questioned my skills in the OR not because you thought I needed it, but because you respected my expertise and through you, I found a level of practice I never thought I could reach. I became more cognizant of the impact I have not only in the OR, but with my patients in general. You taught me to be compassionate and giving because you never let me get away with hiding behind my arrogance. I missed being called out when I was stepping over the line and I missed coming home and being able to talk to you about everything going on in my life. You grounded me and you made me want to face each day with a new respect to be someone you were proud of."
Robin wiped her eyes as she listened to him and his honesty was refreshing.
"But now, when I look back at all that happened since I thought I lost you, I don't recognize myself. I haven't been challenged at all and I have lost the spark that made me the surgeon you fell in love with. I lost who I am at my core and I'm ashamed to admit the way I completely fell apart without you."
"I'm sitting on the couch naked under my bathrobe because I took a shower and was afraid to get dressed. I was paralyzed by the thought of my bed and you had to find me like that. I think if we are looking at things that don't resemble our true selves, I'm right up there with you."
He shook his head and smiled.
"I hardly think they are equal."
"Well, maybe we can start to help each other find the people we left behind? Maybe I can challenge you and you can help me find a therapist to talk to."
He was so proud of her and so honored she was allowing him to help her.
"I would really like that. I think you should get dressed and then we can talk about Aaron's case. I have some ideas that might work."
She smiled and got up.
"I assume you just want to cut," she said as she walked to her room.
He sighed and followed her, waiting in the hall.
"I'm a surgeon; it's what we do."
"Gee, that's a well reasoned response," she said and he grinned, hearing her sarcasm from behind the door.
God he had missed this.