Disclaimer: No, I do not own Star Wars.
AN: I got this idea just bullshitting with a friend of mine about some of the downsides to being Darth Vader. This is a VERY OOC collection of diary entries from Vader's POV during Episodes IV-VI.
Dear diary,
Wow, I feel stupid. I mean, I actually feel better already, at the mere prospect of writing a diary entry. I'm a Sith Lord for fuck's sake! This is silly. Sidious was right, diaries are stupid.
Dear diary,
I was actually going to slice this datapad to bits with my saber, or have a Stormtrooper destroy it, but Obi-Wan appeared, I had to kill him, and well, a lot of shit went down. I shouldn't really record how I feel about the whole situation, because Sidious says it's better to keep your stronger emotions locked up so that they fester and make you more powerful and shit. I've found that it just makes you constipated most of the time, so it's easier for me to just choke a bitch. It's not like they didn't know what they signed up for. We had to put something about "possibility of being Force-choked" in the fine print of our contracts when some officer's family tried to sue us around 20 years ago.
I can admit that one of the escapees was this prisoner, Princess Leia. She resisted torture and interrogation, so we destroyed her planet, but the little Rebel still wouldn't talk. Honestly, if she weren't so stubborn and, well, on the wrong side of things, I might've liked her. She kind of reminds of Padmé, and even seems to be a bit Force sensitive. Not that kind of like her, though. The medical droids told me that I'm not really capable of that anymore. He doesn't like me saying so, but Sidious isn't, either. Force lightning deformed a bit more than just his face, apparently. Speaking of, I should probably ping him with the news before one of those idiot Admirals does.
Dear diary,
I hadn't intended to make another entry so soon, but I don't really have much else to do as I drift along in this TIE Interceptor. The Rebels blew that Death Star into a bazillion pieces. I knew we shouldn't have relied on a giant, overpowered laser. Luckily I'm still a good pilot or I would've blown up with it. We really should learn to discipline our troops better so that we can install light-speed capability in these things; we had some incidents of Stormtroopers using TIE fighters to run from battle during the early years of the Empire.
But seriously, I've been flying through space for a good eight hours now and no sign of an Imperial ship anywhere. Maybe we could make light speed exclusive to the Interceptor line since they only go to the more high-ranked pilots. If something like this ever happens again, I'm the only one that I know of who has a catheter built into his suit. Those TIE pilots wouldn't last half as long as me with their suits soiled. Oh thank the Force, Sidious has finally heard me. There should be a Star Destroyer out to pick me up soon.
Dear diary,
So I offered that kid, my son, Luke, to join me this evening. He refused. It might have something to do with cutting his hand off, but hey, if he wants to go into the family business he needs to know what he's getting himself into. Sith or Jedi, lightsaber battles are no joke, and the way he rushed in all willy-nilly without at least completing his basic training tells me that he's not taking this seriously. He didn't even try to tap into the Force! It was like fighting a youngling again.
But then he had fallen for Obi-Wan's lies like a youngling would. Apparently the old man had told Luke that I killed Anakin Skywalker, which is fucking ridiculous. You can't kill yourself and still be alive. It was probably some of that metaphorical, philosophical bullshit that the Jedi seemed to love so much. I can tell he's powerful, but poor Luke is so blinded by the Light and their metaphorical, philosophical bullshit that he's clearly not thinking straight. He actually screamed when I told him that I was his father, crying and despairing and everything. Who wouldn't want me as their father? I'm the all-fucking-powerful Darth Vader! I don't know, I'm going to have to go meditate on it. I should also eat something, considering I set up this elaborate dinner on Bespin, but everyone was so preoccupied with me and I had to look intimidating, so I couldn't take my helmet off. I'm starving right now…
Dear diary,
Sidious dropped in to oversee the construction of the new Death Star. He's all giddy because he has this clever idea for an elaborate ruse to trap the Rebellion. I'll admit that it's not a bad idea, letting them in after we drop the shields so that they think they're attacking a half-assed space station only to surprise them with planet-grade fire power. I'm just a little concerned that we might blow my son up while we're at it. He likes running around with those ruffians.
He's a bit like me back in the day, I guess, loves being all rebellious and going against authority and sticking it to the man; it's just a little irritating because the man is me now. Since when did I become the equivalent of the Jedi Council in terms of galactic authority figures? I'm getting too old for this shit. I just really hope we can find and isolate Luke from that little terrorist gang before it's too late, or I might just pull an Obi-Wan and melt into my robes, even though that was actually freaky as all get-out, and I've no idea how he did it. I still have his lightsaber. I keep it on the wall of my chambers back on Coruscant. It's always good to have a spare that's somewhat familiar with you considering how long it would take to make another… Oh, Sidious is calling, says I need to go pick up Luke.