It took me a long while but here's an update! Hope it feels worth the wait.
Once we have crossed that bridge and had sex for the first time things change. Losing my virginity was really all I wanted, at least for right now until Snow begins to set higher demands, but I find myself longing for the touch of Peeta's skin and for that closeness I felt when it was over. Now that we have been sexually intimate with each other Peeta is not as reluctant anymore, though the second time we sleep together I can see in his eyes that he wishes it could be something more. Making love instead of having sex.
He is still adamant that we avoid having children if we possibly can. His determination on this subject is even stronger than my own, probably because I see it as inevitable in order to protect our loved ones while Peeta is determined to find a loophole somewhere. The trouble is we can't discuss our options without speaking fairly openly and I'm still uncomfortable talking about sex. It never seems to bother Peeta, maybe because he has previous experience or maybe because I'm just more innocent, which I know he's thinking but lucky for him he isn't saying. When we first sit down to talk about it my cheeks are burning red and I avoid his eyes, sitting cross-legged on the bed hugging a pillow to my chest. Peeta is stretched out on his back, lifting himself up on his elbows, seeming much more at ease.
"There is the obvious" he says. "Pulling out. Works if I can actually remember to do it but there's also the risk of not pulling out in time or fast enough."
My cheeks turn even redder and I turn my face away further, trying not to picture what he is describing.
"If you say so" I manage in a croaking voice.
"There's also… safe periods" he continues, sounding a touch more hesitant now. "Tracking your cycle, being aware of when it's safe to…"
"That's a very unsafe method" I say, remembering what my mother told me once. "Cycles can differ from month to month and…" I remember the dinner we had on the train, heading for our honeymoon, when I tried to explain this particular phenomenon to him. I don't think I'll do much better this time around so I don't even try. "It's not a good method, anyway."
"Okay, what else is there?" he says, sounding almost business-like. "Condoms are hard to come by but they are quite effective. I can get some, but it won't be more than five to ten per quarterly. Also we'd have to be very careful. I would have to ask Ryean or Scotti to buy them for us. Snow and company won't be happy finding out we're using them even if we claimed it's to avoid suffering through another miscarriage."
I'm mortified at the mere thought of Peeta asking his brothers to buy condoms for us. At the same time they do seem like a safe alternative so I don't dare to completely dismiss the idea either.
"Okay" I nod. "Yeah, sure."
"Your mother, she's an apothecary, right? Kind of?"
"You're thinking herbal contraceptives?" I ask, probably using that last word for the first time in my life. "They're not really effective either. I know she can induce a miscarriage, well abortion actually, but it's quite dangerous and apparently a hellish experience."
"Plus we can't risk being found out having an abortion" mutters Peeta. Then he smirks at me. "Of course, there are some things we can do that guarantee we won't get pregnant."
"Like what?"
For the first time during this conversation, or during any conversation about sex as I recall, he blushes. It's only a little bit of a blush but I find it very endearing and it relaxes me to know that he's not one hundred percent comfortable either and that I'm not the only one who's nervous.
"There's using hands" he begins, holding up a finger. "There's using our mouths." Another finger raised. I'm taken aback by his words but before I can ask or comment he lifts a third finger. "Then there's something that I know a few married couples do when they don't want to have any more kids, or don't want to have kids period, which is… Well, maybe we don't even need to talk about it because honestly the thought of it makes me a bit uncomfortable so I don't see us doing it."
His blush has deepened and so has my curiosity but if he's uncomfortable talking about it I presume I'm not ready to hear about it. And as he says, if he doesn't want to do it then we won't be doing it.
"So how would we… be using our mouths?" I ask, feeling myself blush way worse than he is.
The blush leaves his face and a charming, slightly bashful smile appears in its place.
"I haven't tried it with anyone before but from what I hear it's… quite nice." He shifts on the bed and moves closer to me, stopping to gently caress my cheek with the back of his hand. "It's pretty self-explanatory."
"Yeah well I don't get it" I say testily, not enjoying feeling like an idiot.
"We would be making each other feel good… using our mouths." His face has moved closer to mine and his lips are so close to brushing against mine. I want to move that last millimetre that separates us but if he is teasing me I'm not willing to give in just yet.
Besides, the thought of what he just implied makes me a bit unsure. I scowl and pull back a bit.
"You mean..?"
"I mean exactly what it sounds like, Katniss." His voice has dropped an octave but my mind is too busy trying to picture what he is implying, not at all sure I like it, to notice. He seems to be picking up on my reaction because his voice is back to normal when he continues. "It's something to think about. Something we could try at some point if we feel comfortable." He shrugs a shoulder. "An option."
I notice how he says if we feel comfortable, even though it seems quite obvious to me that he's not only comfortable with the idea but rather interested in trying it. That he phrases it like that makes me feel a bit more at ease and like I can trust him fully when it comes to bedroom activities. There's no part of me that doubts that I am completely safe with Peeta and that he would never make me do something I'm not comfortable with.
That thought is actually a little arousing. So is the look in his eyes, a touch darker blue in this moment it seems. I lean closer to him again, my lips just a hair's width from his, teasing him in return.
"And what about… our hands?" I ask in what I deeply hope is a seductive voice. "Show me how we can make do with those."
Sunday comes around and I follow Peeta to town as per routine, only nowadays I can't head out into the woods while he's with his family. He's invited me to come with him and play with baby Tommy but I don't enjoy babies all that much and chances are I'll be stuck listening to Allie and Scottie go on and on and on about their upcoming addition to the family. There's also an odd feeling at the pit of my stomach, a kind of nervousness at seeing my in-laws just a few days after becoming sexually active with Peeta. I wonder if one can read it on my face and if one can I'd really not have Mrs. Mellark do so. I decline the invitation and head for the Hob instead.
The Hob is as busy as usual, though the mood is definitely not quite what it was before my accident in the woods and the fallout that came after. Greasy Sae still treats me kindly and I buy a bowl of soup from her and hop up on her countertop to shoot the breeze. She's not much for gossip, or conversation to be honest, but through some of her customers I manage to get a few updates on what's going on with people outside the Village. Gale does not show up, which disappoints me but also makes me relieved. If there's anyone I want less to be able to tell I've had sex than Mrs. Mellark it's Gale. I don't know how he would react to finding out and I don't know how I'd feel about him knowing.
I'm in the middle of hearing a story about a mix-up that happened at the tesserae registration when Darius, one of the peacekeepers I dislike the least, comes walking in. I haven't seen him in a while and offer him a smile which he returns with enthusiasm that makes me feel warm and welcome. At least he doesn't seem bothered by the lack of Capitol endorsed food at the Harvest Feast but on the other hand I doubt peacekeepers have to starve even in an outline district.
"Keeping busy, Everdeen?" he asks with a grin, leaning against Sae's countertop. "Sorry, Mellark."
"Being idle" I reply.
"Victors always end up that way" he says with a dramatic sigh, as if he's world-weary and wise with old age.
I shake my head, barely keeping a smile away.
"Can't work on my talent all day every day."
He orders soup from Greasy Sae and joins the conversation. We're a group of five at this point but still no sight of Gale. I kind of want to ask about his whereabouts, mostly because I'm worried he might be doing something stupid and dangerous like trying to find a way to get over the electrified fences. I can think of few things that would darken my day as much as Gale being brought to my mother, electrocuted. I hold my tongue however, not sure if asking is the best idea.
After about half an hour Darius excuses himself, claiming that his lunch break is over. He looks at me and nods to the door, silently beckoning me to come with him. I jump down from Sae's counter and follow him, a nervous knot in my stomach.
"Something wrong?" I ask in a whisper once we're outside and have retreated behind a thick beam to be at least a little bit out of sight.
"Listen…" says Darius in a voice so low I can barely hear him. "There's a spot of the fence that isn't working properly. A spot where the electricity doesn't run through. It's only a meter long, this spot, but a meter could be sufficient…"
"I don't go out into the woods anymore, Darius" I whisper back, trying to sound disinterested in the information he's giving me.
"Katniss you know I would never turn you in" he whispers back and looking into his eyes I know I can trust him. He's had ample opportunity to get me into trouble for my unlawful foraying in the woods in the past but he never has. "Look, I'm all for order and control and hail the Capitol and the president and all of that… I just don't like seeing people starve and I don't see what the harm is in letting a pair of young adults go out into the forest to procure some meat. I happen to think it's better for productivity if people can fill their bellies."
"I…" I begin but I can't seem to find a suitable thing to say in reply.
He grabs a piece of paper from his pocket and shoves it in my hand. It's wrinkly, like it's been folded numerous times and on top of that been crunched up now and then. Then he straightens his back, pulls his shoulders back and lifts his chin in a much more formal peacekeeper stance. He leaves me and walks out to the street heading for wherever he's supposed to be after his lunch break.
I look down at the piece of paper in my hand and almost unfold it here and now but come to my senses quickly enough to shove it into my pocket. I then find the nearest clock to find the time. Forty-five minutes until I'm supposed to meet up with Peeta. I decide to take a walk to my old home in the Seam. I can read the note there in some measure of peace and solitude. There's no denying that there's a smile on my face as I contemplate what Darius was telling me. A chance to go out hunting after all. I would love to be able to do that.
The only question is – can Gale and I do so without being detected? What would be the cost if we were found out? I will have to talk it over with Haymitch and Peeta before making any decisions. I wouldn't dare to take any such risks without having some input from other people who know Snow as well as I do.
We gather in the kitchen that afternoon, Peeta, Haymitch and I, to discuss Darius' proposition. All day I've been going back and forth between feeling excited over the idea and feeling scared that it might bring more trouble than it's worth and put us all in an even worse position. I long to be out in the woods, long so much it makes me itch, but I have to be smart about this. I really do not want to find out what President Snow will do if I'm found hunting again.
Haymitch leans back on a chair and puts his feet up on the chair beside him, ignoring Peeta's angry protests that his muddy shoes are dirtying the furniture. With a frustrated scowl I grab a hold of my old mentor's feet, lift them up and plop them down on the floor again, pulling the chair away from his reach. This lands me in a five minute hissing match with Haymitch but at least Peeta is pleased. He begins to work on dinner, whistling to himself, ignoring the argument except to give me a smile and a wink.
My debate with Haymitch is interrupted by a knock on the door. I tense up, immediately worrying that it might be a peacekeeper who's gotten word of what transpired between Darius and me earlier in the day, but Peeta remains calm and collected. He wipes his hand on a towel and goes to answer the door.
"That must be Gale."
"Gale?" I echo.
"Yeah" he says in a tone that's almost a bit surprised at my reaction. "I invited him over. This discussion concerns him as much as anyone else here, don't you think?"
As he goes to answer the door I withdraw to a corner of the room and wrap my arms over my chest, feeling highly uncomfortable. I realize I definitely don't want to come face to face with Gale right now in the home I share with Peeta, with Peeta present. I can only imagine how awkward it will be if, when, Gale puts two and two together and realizes that while he went to bed alone in a cold house in the Seam last night I went to bed with Peeta's fingers exploring places Gale will never know, making me feel things he will never make me feel. I feel a bit like I've betrayed Gale and I don't think it's fair to him that she should find out in this place and with Peeta present. Though there's nothing I can do about it right now. I can only hope it's not so glaringly obvious what's going on between Peeta and I that Gale won't figure it out. After all, Haymitch hasn't commented and I expected him to be the first to come with a witty remark.
I hear Peeta's voice greet Gale's and some awkward small talk between them. A moment later Peeta comes back to the kitchen, heading for the counter where he's preparing dinner, and Gale walks in a second later. He looks at me and lights up a little and I manage to smile in return.
"So I take it there's something serious going on" says Gale, looking deep into my eyes, making me want to avert my face. "Catnip you look like you're got the weight of the world on your shoulders."
"Well, it's complicated" says Peeta when I don't reply. "It concerns the possibility of you two going back out into the woods."
I look over at him and find myself slightly amazed at how casual and normal he sounds. As if everything is just the same as it was last week. Nobody would be able to tell from looking at Peeta that he's now my husband in the physical sense of the word too. Not that I expected him to boast or gloat in front of Gale but I can barely contain the new world of emotions that's been rushing through me these past few days and I cannot understand how he is able to.
He opens the oven and places a tin of fish-au-gratin which he began preparing a while ago. Then he takes to preparing mashed potatoes and seems entirely unconcerned with anything else going on in the room, as if the matter at hand isn't something he's particularly involved with. I suppose in some ways he isn't. He won't be going out hunting no matter what is decided and Haymitch knows much more than he does about how to think and act in matters of the Capitol. The only real input he would have to offer is whether or not it's worth the risk in the end and whether or not he wants his wife out in the woods with another man. Thus far he's never objected to that but perhaps he would now that things have changed?
"Katniss?"
Haymitch's voice brings me back to the moment at hand and I look over to see both him and Gale looking at me, waiting for me to say something. Trying my best to force all thoughts of Peeta and states of undress from my mind I launch into a brief description of the run-in I had with Darius earlier in the day.
If I thought it would be an easy matter to resolve, which I didn't really, I was wrong. Pros and cons are brought up and weighed against each other. Gale argues for us going out to the woods again and Haymitch argues against. Peeta offers hardly any comment except to announce that dinner is served, having busied himself with setting the table and finishing up the cooking while the discussion has been going on. There's an awkward moment when Gale sits down at the table with us and I'm not sure what to think or feel when Peeta serves him dinner but I swallow the confusing feelings and try to wrap my mind around the situation at hand.
It takes until the end of the meal for us to reach any form of conclusion on the matter. In fact it takes until Peeta is halfway done cleaning up but at least Haymitch, Gale and I are agreed at that point. Haymitch turns his eyes to Peeta and asks him what he thinks and my husband weighs in for the first time during the discussion.
"I have food on my table no matter what we decide today" he says carefully. "So does my family. It's not easy to assess how necessary the hunting would be since I don't depend on it for sustenance." His brow furrows as he picks up a washed plate and begins to wipe it dry with a kitchen towel. "Nor do I fully understand the perils of antagonising President Snow on this particular matter." He pauses for a minute, deep in thought. I can hear Gale shifting restlessly on his chair but he doesn't say anything. "At the end of the day I can't say I'm comfortable with you running around out there under the current circumstances, Katniss. On the other hand I know you won't be happy unless you get to be out there. I think people will be able to find some way to feed themselves with or without your hunting, they always have before. You can only hunt so much, and if they can't feed themselves that burden can't be ours to bear for an entire district. I also think that if President Snow wants to find a way to punish us he'll find one, whether you're on this side of the fence or not. So I leave it up to you to decide."
Momentarily choosing to forget about Gale and Haymitch I step closer to him and look him in the eye, trying to read any hidden opinions or meanings in his blue eyes. It feels so different to make eye contact with him nowadays, even in a moment like this – in a good way. All I can find though when our eyes meet is the same steadiness and reassurance that is so typical of Peeta. I know he means what he said. He'll support our decision no matter what it is.
Crossing my arms over my chest I turn to the other two.
"Hunting it is, then. On a small scale. Very carefully."
Gale's face lights up in a wide grin and he rises to his feet, moving closer to me before remembering that he's in my kitchen with my husband a few feet away. The grin remains on his face though as he scratches the back of his neck and shrugs lightly.
"So I guess you and I will be meeting up as usual on Sunday, huh?"
"Yeah" I nod, feeling both relieved, nervous and excited.
"Well then that's settled" says Haymitch, slapping his hands on his thighs and getting up from his seat. "If you'll excuse me, there's a bottle of white liquor with my name on it."
Gale opens his mouth to say something but changes his mind. He gives me a small, crooked smile and nods slightly.
"I should be heading back as well. I didn't plan on staying quite this long… Though thanks for dinner!"
"No problem" answers Peeta, who's back to finishing up with the dishes.
Before I can decide if I should walk Gale to the door or not he follows Haymitch out the kitchen door, giving me a smile and a wave as he goes. The room seems very quiet when the two of them have closed the door behind them, even though the faucet is running. I look over at Peeta who is just finishing up.
"Would you really rather I didn't go out there anymore?" I ask, not sure what else to say right now.
"I'd rather you do whatever you think is best" he answers, wiping his hands on the by now rather damp kitchen towel. "I don't think you'll do so well having to stay away from the woods permanently. Just… be careful, okay?"
I smile slightly and a flood of warmth rushes through me. It's almost enough to cancel out the awkwardness of being in the same room with both Peeta and Gale tonight. Almost.
"Do you… Do you suppose he knows?" I ask.
"That who knows about what?"
"Gale. About… what's been happening. You and me."
There's a look on Peeta's face I can't read but I can guess what it is about. Disappointment probably. He doesn't voice any such emotion but I know him well and I suppose it's the only natural reaction.
"No I don't think he knows" he says after a moment.
"I hope that's the case." Feeling the need to placate him a bit I quickly continue. "He wouldn't understand."
"Well you know him better than I do" shrugs Peeta. He hesitates but then he goes over to the table where we keep the mail. He placed his satchel there when he came home earlier in the day and now he reaches inside it. "While we're on the subject of, well, marital activities… I'm not saying this is something we should use tonight but I thought I'd show you before I forget."
"Show me what?" I ask, my curiosity woken. His hand finds what it was looking for and he holds said hand out to me. In his open palm lies a box just about the size of his hand. "What is it?"
"Condoms." My cheeks seem to turn fiery red but if he notices he doesn't let it show. "Scotti gave them to me. They don't need them after all, can't get Allie pregnant when she already is pregnant. Scotti isn't entirely adverse to being our dealer, as it were."
My blush deepens. As if worrying about coming face to face with Gale wasn't bad enough I am now convinced I will die from embarrassment the next time I see Peeta's oldest brother. It's not like there is more than one thing Peeta could have in mind when asking his brother to procure them, no chance of Scotti thinking they're for some purer purpose. I don't expect the discreet Scotti to make any comments, silently thanking my lucky star that Peeta asked him and not Ryean, but just knowing that he knows what Peeta and I do together at night makes me squirm inside.
"I'll go ahead and put them away in the cabinet in the bathroom" says Peeta, closing his hand around the box. He heads for the staircase and doesn't turn his head when he continues to talk. "Scotti says there are maybe six left. Him and Allie got a set each quarterly between engagement and getting married but didn't get a chance to use them much. It won't be the same as not wearing one but it's probably the safest way to avoid conception shy of abstinence."
He goes up the stairs and as I watch his retreating figure I almost forget about Gale and Scotti and entertain the idea of suggesting we try one right away. Then I dismiss the thought. Peeta doesn't seem to be in the mood at all and I don't want to push him. We have the rest of our lives together to try them, anyway.
We can wait until tomorrow.
Turns out being out in the woods again isn't as lovely and relaxing as I thought it would be. I've always known, somewhere in the back of my mind, that being out here has its risks but those risks seemed mostly theoretical before. The peacekeepers were my loyal customers, after all. Now things are different and the consequences of getting caught will strike hard on innocent people who had no say in Gale and I being out here to begin with. It's hard to relax and enjoy yourself with that hanging over your head.
Especially when the alternative was to stay at home and play in bed with Peeta. We've been doing a lot of that lately. We try to ration the condoms but it's difficult. I like when we use our hands to make each other feel good and last night Peeta tried using his mouth which I was nervous about but in the end it was beyond words. But, when we do those things I miss feeling his skin pressed up against mine the way it only can when we're joined below the waist and our upper bodies can align. Also, I can't lie, I really enjoy the way it feels when he is inside me. There's something decadent about it, at least to a person as supposedly innocent as me, and it makes me feel things – emotional and physical – that I can't seem to stop wanting more.
Under those circumstances being out in the woods with Gale is not as nice as it used to be. We meet up early on Sunday morning and I find myself getting impatient as he wants to sit in our glade, drink hot broth and just talk for well over an hour before we get moving. Once we get to the active hunting part I'm at the top of my game though my hunting partner doesn't know that I'm motivated by a desire to head back home as soon as possible. Before noon I stop and suggest that we call it a day.
"We've got enough, don't we?" I say, picking up my game bag from the ground.
"I saw a flock of wild turkeys on my way out here" answers Gale. "They were heading south. We could go after them, shoot us a bird each."
"But we don't need them" I argue. "We've got a pair of good catches already and you know it's not a good idea to bring home more meat than we can finish in a few days' time." Gale and his family have very limited conditions to preserve meat for any longer period of time. They have a small freezer box that can hold maybe two or three pounds of meat. The rest will need to be eaten very quickly, or thrown away.
"We could sell it" argues Gale. "Turkey meat goes for a lot with the peacekeepers and if we offer to pluck the birds we can trade the feathers. Hell we could even pluck them first and sell them later."
I think of how much time it would require to pluck a pair of turkeys and then trade them. I glance up at the sun, judging it to be near noon already. I'm impatient to get back home and plucking turkeys does not seem worth it. I want to get back home to Peeta, back into bed with Peeta. I've never known pleasure like what he makes me feel during sex could exist and it's becoming a craving, my mind constantly going back to it even while out hunting. It would be different if we hadn't had any success yet today but Gale has a quail in his game bag and if he wants to he can have my rabbit as well.
"I don't know, Gale" I say. "Seems like it would take too long."
"Take too long?" echoes Gale, eyebrows raised. "Since when do you think hunting takes too long?"
"It's not just the hunting, though" I point out. "It's also the plucking and the trading. It's going to take us hours."
"So what? Are you in a hurry? Got something better to do?"
I look away, feeling my cheeks burning red. I am in a hurry but I feel embarrassed letting Gale know the reason why. Not to mention it seems cruel to tell him that I would rather be at home in bed with Peeta moving inside of me than be out here helping Gale provide for himself and his family. The more I think about it the more selfish and horrible I feel but it doesn't make much of a difference because Gale obviously saw the blush on my cheeks and he sighs tiredly, picking his own game bag up.
"Fine. You can have it your way." He sounds weary, dejected. "I guess we don't have enough room in our game bags to bring all the feathers home anyway."
"I'm sorry, Gale" I say sheepishly. "I can help you shoot a pair of turkeys but…"
"I can manage on my own" he says matter-of-factly. He looks deeply unhappy and I step closer to him but he backs away. "Katniss please… Don't pity me."
"I'm not pitying you" I say. "I just realized how selfish I was being."
"You know… These hours in the woods with you on Sunday… It's what I live for." He adjusts the game bag over his shoulder, closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He then looks away, eyes locking on the blackberry bush we love to pick berries off of. "Six days a week I break my back in those cold, dark mines. The mines that killed my father, killed your father. I barely make enough money to feed my family and I draw strength from the thought that come Sunday you and I will meet up here in the woods and hunt."
"Gale…" I say, uneasily shifting my weight from one foot to the other.
"I haven't realized until now, haven't wanted to I guess… These Sundays with me out here don't mean nearly as much to you as they do to me."
"That's not fair."
"I'm not criticising you" he says gently. "It's just the way things are. You have seven days out of the week to spend out here and I know you go hunting without me. It's a luxury you have and I don't begrudge you that, honestly I don't. You didn't choose to have Prim reaped and I know you never wanted any of the changes that came with winning the Games. All the same we're fooling ourselves if we think things could continue on as before indefinitely." He looks at me, pain and resignation in his grey eyes. "You have a husband waiting for you at home. It seems you're eager to get back to him."
"I always have time for you, Gale" I say, stepping closer to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"Because I'm unhappy. That's one of the two sure-fire ways for me to get your attention. Katniss you draw me closer whenever you're having problems with him and when things are good with him you push me aside. Unless I'm in pain."
He doesn't say it as an accusation but it feels as such all the same.
"That is not true" I say. "Yes, I admit, things are good between me and Peeta right now. That doesn't mean I don't care about you anymore."
"Is he touching you now?" asks Gale calmly. "Maybe even… sleeping with you?" My cheeks turn hot red again and I look away. Gale nods slightly. "I thought so. You haven't sought out any physical closeness from me today, or any day lately. You don't need it. You get it from him."
"Gale you are not being fair" I argue. "You can't give me the kind of physical intimacy I've recently shared with him. What you can give me, what we can give to each other, is the friendship we've shared for more than five years. It was always enough before. Why can't it be enough now?"
"Because I love you" he says flatly. "Because we are no longer equals. I live in the Seam and struggle for survival, struggle to keep starvation at bay and my brothers and sister clothed and warm and protected. You, you live in the Victors' Village with enough money to last for three lifetimes, your family warm and with their bellies full and you live with another man. That's not your fault, the difference in our lives I mean, but that doesn't change the facts. Whatever it is you feel for him it's something I want to have from you but I can't."
"I love you" I say. "You're part of my family. I want to help you provide for your family and you should accept my help because you would do the same for me if the roles were reversed. Gale you're still my best friend."
"Am I though?" he challenges. "Look, you and I we… we used to be this close-knit team, relying on each other for survival. You're still part of a team like that but it's not with me. Not anymore."
Our eyes meet and for over a minute we stand there looking at each other in silence. I come to realize that this could very well be the ending of our friendship, at least as I've known it, and the greatest surprise is that it doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. By the look in Gale's eyes I think we're both feeling the same thing: Resignation. It's been heading in this direction for a long time and no matter how sad it is to go our separate ways I can't deny that our friendship hasn't been working like it ought to.
Gale is the first to look away. He nods in the direction where he saw the turkeys.
"I'm going to go see if I can bring home one or two of those birds" he says.
"Okay" I say. "Happy hunting."
He nods and turns away, walking off into the woods, leaving me alone underneath the trees. I feel sad watching him leave and I can't imagine what my life will be like without him in it. I head homeward, feeling none of my earlier excitement. The walk seems lonely and as I pass by the Hob I can't help but look in that direction, wondering if I will ever be going in there with Gale again to sell and trade.
When I reach my house I walk heavily up the steps to the front porch and slip the game bag from my shoulder, taking it in my hand. I walk inside, a bit surprised and disappointed that I'm not greeted by the smell of baking bread. Working on autopilot I remove my outerwear and take the rabbit from my bag. The kitchen is empty and I decide not to prepare my kill just yet. Instead I wrap it in a plastic bag and put it in the refrigerator, saving it until dinner.
I walk up the stairs and feel a sting of disappointment that the house is so quiet. Is Peeta not at home? I've spent all morning longing to come home to him and even though the desire to have sex has completely gone away I still feel an odd sense of rejection at the thought that he might not have shared in my thoughts.
With weary steps I go to the bathroom and begin to run a bath. Standing in front of the mirror I scowl at myself as I begin to unbutton my sweaty, stained blouse. What a splendid person I turned out to be. I've treated Gale horribly over the last months, using him as a substitute for the physical closeness I haven't gotten from Peeta. I should have realized that Gale minded, that he felt hurt that I didn't seek that closeness for the same reason as he wanted it. In the end I ended up losing my best friend and I can't say I didn't deserve it. I can only hope Gale finds what he wanted from me in somebody else. Somebody who deserves him. Somebody completely different from me.
The bathroom door opens and I'm surprised to see Peeta standing there. So he was home after all. He looks at me with a frown. There are smudges of white and yellow paint on his left cheek, and a bit of red paint in one strand of his hair so he must have been in his drawing room.
"Is everything okay Katniss?" he asks. "You look… Well, kind of… You look like hell."
I nod and as I do so my face scrunches up and I begin to cry. An instant later Peeta is there with me, wrapping me in his embrace, protecting me in his arms. I wrap my arms around him and bury my face at the nape of his neck.
"I think… I think my friendship with Gale is really over now" I tell him.
He shushes me gently and rocks me softly back and forth.
"It doesn't have to be…" he says with encouragement. "Tell me what happened."
"I don't even know, really" I sniffle, finding it hard to express what our conversation was truly about to someone who isn't in the know of the exact relationship between Gale and myself.
"If you were mad at each other that will blow over. It will be alright."
"I'm not so sure."
"Katniss… Do you want things to turn out alright?"
He pulls back and looks straight into my eyes. For the first time I allow myself to think how I would answer such a question. Do I want to remain friends with Gale? It's been such a difficult friendship over the past few years. Peeta patiently waits for me to say anything and in the silence between us it dawns on me that Gale is right. Peeta is my best friend now. Peeta has replaced Gale in my life, more or less. I haven't wanted to acknowledge it until now and I can't bear to think how hurtful it must be to Gale, the person left behind.
Yet all the same…
"I'm a bit relieved" I admit.
"It's okay to be relieved."
"It's not" I say, more tears falling down my cheeks. "It makes me a horrible and disloyal friend."
"It makes you human" he argues gently, his thumb wiping away a tear from my cheek. I draw him close for another hug, sobbing lightly as his arms offer me comfort, love and support. "Even the closest of friendships can end. Life just works that way. People grow apart. That doesn't mean you don't cherish the friendship you shared or that the other person wasn't important in your life. It just means that you and Gale are on different paths now. Besides, not being friends anymore doesn't have to mean being foes."
"Then what does it mean? That we'll be indifferent to each other?"
"I guess you'll be acquaintances" says Peeta with a touch of hesitance. His hand finds the rubber band that holds my braid together and pulls it away. His fingers then comb through my hair, letting it all fall loose. "If your friendship as you've known it really is over you might even find you get along more easily now when you do see each other."
"That sounds insane" I mutter.
"Doesn't mean it can't be true."
I sigh heavily and rest my cheek against his shoulder. I realize that all the changes that the Hunger Games brought into my life is what planted the seed of the destruction of Gale's and my friendship but I also realize that I actively made choices that brought us to this point. I chose Peeta over Gale, in more ways than the ones I had to. I cannot deny that being held in Peeta's embrace feels better and more comforting than Gale holding me in his arms. Nor can I deny that when I have a problem to solve I'd rather go to Peeta for advice.
"I still feel like crap" I say. "Partially because Gale is alone now and I have you."
"He is not alone" says Peeta with so much reassurance that I almost believe him. "He has a mother and two brothers and a sister. He has a lot of friends in the mines. He's also got the eyes of several young women in the district. I'm not saying he's not going to miss you because there's nobody out there even remotely like you… but he's not going to be alone."
A faint smile comes over my face. There is some truth to what he is saying. There's also a small voice in the back of my mind saying that I cannot take responsibility for whether Gale has someone or not. Ultimately that is up to him, not me.
I pull back from Peeta's embrace and my smile widens a touch as I study the various splotches of paint on him. The tips of my right index and middle finger trace the stains on his cheek.
"You need a bath."
"Do I have paint on me?" he asks, looking a little embarrassed. "Sometimes I get carried away, I guess…"
My smile is quite wide by now and I lean in to kiss him before taking his hand and moving back towards the tub which is by now almost full of bathwater.
"Yes I know. It so happens I was just about to take a bath myself…"
I know the possible end of the Katniss/Gale friendship has been the topic of previous chapters as well but this is where it actually reaches the end of the line. I'll probably bring Gale back for future chapters but from this point on he and Katniss won't be spending much time together anymore.