Chapter Fifty-Two:
Robin was nervous. She was sitting on the couch while Patrick was in the bedroom. He told her to wait until he was ready and she had no idea what he was planning.
She believed what he said and she understood just how destroyed he was by all that happened to both of them. She also desperately wanted to be better. She wanted to feel whole again and in her heart, that was something that scared her.
What did her life look like now? What was her purpose? What was she going to do with herself?
She worried he was just trying to fix her so he could feel better about all that happened to her. She worried this was temporary and she didn't know if she could handle that.
She also needed to find a way to get over the hurt she felt for all she endured.
Patrick didn't deserve all the blame, but he did deserve some.
Her mother deserved blame.
The biggest problem was that she felt the weight of so much of the blame on her own shoulders.
Was it even possible to move forward?
"Robin? Will you come with me?" Patrick stood there and smiled at her.
"Oh, sure," she said and stood up, following him into the bedroom. She stopped at the door and smiled as she saw all he did. There were candles lit on the dresser and he had placed her favorite lotion on the nightstand.
"I would like to remind you of what it means to be cared for. I want to help you remember the sound of the rain on a tin roof and the beauty in unexpected moments of happiness," he stopped when she wiped her eyes.
"That sounds familiar," she said softly as she walked into the room.
"Someone amazing told me that once."
"Amazing, huh? More like trouble."
He smiled and shrugged.
"You are the best kind of trouble. Will you change and join me on the blanket on the floor?"
She saw he set up a comforter and pillows on the floor so she wouldn't need to be on the bed. Was that okay? Should she just try and sit on the bed?
"Okay," she ignored her inner voice, took the nightshirt and went into the bathroom.
Patrick took his button down shirt off so he was wearing a white t-shirt and he poured some wine into two glasses. He heard her come out and he looked up, his heart racing at her beautiful stature.
"Come here," he said and she walked over and sat down, taking the wine from him and almost downing the glass.
"Whoa," he laughed as she put it down.
"Sorry, nervous."
He nodded and took a long drink.
"Me too."
"Well we don't have to do this, whatever we are going to do," she said and looked at her hands. "It's not important."
He took her hands in his and she met his gaze.
"It's the most important."
"Patrick, I don't know what this is going to accomplish. You are just going to touch me and what; I'm just going to be all better? Back to my old self? I don't think that's possible."
"I don't want to just touch you. I want you to feel beautiful and sexy. I want to show you that who you are is the woman who is everything to me."
"But I don't think that's who I am anymore," she said sadly. "I think this is all a mistake."
He ran his fingers up her arms and nodded.
"You're scared that I'm feeding you a line. You fear that I am looking for a challenge and once I get bored, I'll leave. You're afraid I want something you can't give me."
She stopped his hand and looked at him.
"I'm not sure you can give me what I want or what I need. This isn't just about you, Patrick, but about me, too."
"Oh," he sat back and nodded. "I'm sorry."
"It's just that you keep saying I have all of these fears about not making you happy or having you leave me and to be honest, that already happened. We are divorced, Patrick, and that was all your choice. I am not looking to chase you back into a relationship because I think it's what I have to do. I have changed so much these past few years, and so have you. I don't need you to fix me. I need to be able to fix myself."
He stood up and walked out of the bedroom and she sighed. She got up and blew out the candles before she followed him.
"What are you doing?" she asked as he put his coat on.
"I'm going home."
"Why?"
He didn't look at her; he just crossed his arms and sighed.
"Because I love you and I don't know what to do to help you see that. I try to be the man I was before but I'm not. You've changed and I've changed and I don't think that means we can't find our way back to each other. I have never been the kind of man who sits back and waits for things to happen. I want our life back and that means I want you. I know I let you down and I know I hurt you, but I can't fix it if you don't let me. What I'm hearing now is that you simply don't want me to fix it. You don't want me and I need to figure out how to handle that. I need to leave."
"Will you stop telling me what I want or what I need?" she said as she moved to face him. "I don't want to be a project you have to work on. I want to find the man you are now and the woman I am and know that those two people can work. I don't need a savior I need a partner. I don't need a man who needs to fix me, I need a man who can handle the woman I am, all of me."
"It doesn't sound like that someone is me. You don't seem to want me at all."
"I do, but I want you to want me. I want you to feel passion and excitement and not pity when you look at me. I know I have a lot to work through, but I am not weak or damaged. I just need you to hold me and let me hold you. I want us to heal each other and not have this be one sided."
"I am afraid to need you," he said softly. "If I take charge and help you, then I can make up for a fraction of what I did by ignoring your needs. If I do that and you walk away, at least I won't have anything more invested."
"I see," she said and the sadness dripped off her tongue.
"I don't know what else I can tell you. I won't make it if you walk away and I've given you my heart again. I won't put myself through that. I can't."
Robin glared at him.
"I gave you my heart and soul and nobody has that, to this day, but you. You chose to give yourself to numerous women since I made that commitment and I am trying to deal with that. Your holier than thou stance that you don't want to be hurt is crap. I left to help a friend. I didn't leave you. I never cheated on you. I never wanted to end anything between us. All of those things happened on your end. I get you were angry and hurt, but your actions didn't put any faith in me or in our love. You can't put yourself through this again? You can't give me your heart? Then don't. I can't do anything to make you believe me just like I can't make you understand how I needed to help Jason."
"Stop bringing him up. Stop bringing him into our lives. Why can't this be about us?" Patrick hated how he was acting, but he couldn't change it.
She ran her hand through her long hair and sighed.
"Because it's always been about Jason. You watched me die in that lab because of a serum I made for Jason. You have always hated my connection to him and Sonny and you barely allowed me to talk about him when we were together. I came home and left again to help Jason and you, Patrick, you went after Jason's wife while I was gone. You don't understand how I can be a friend to him and respect him when he does what he does, but you have never understood what he did for me. I was so lost and alone and he helped me find my way back to a life where I could be the woman and the doctor who met you. We loved each other once but it wasn't who we were to stay together romantically. I love Jason as my friend and I will never agree with his lifestyle, but I will never turn my back on the man who I know is inside. I am done trying to explain that connection to you and I'm done trying to justify leaving to save him."
He watched her and his eyes filled with tears as she continued.
"When I found out I was HIV positive, I had nobody. I had just watched Stone die of this horrific disease and it was running all through my body. My parents were dead as far as I knew and Mac and Sonny did all they could, but my outlook on life was destroyed. I was heartbroken at losing Stone and I was sure my life would end the same way. I was in a really dark place and then Jason's car accident happened and I saw Alan and Monica simply broken at the prospect of losing their son. You knew and respected Alan, too. He was a great man and he adored Jason. I know he went down the wrong path with Sonny, but he wasn't always that man. I knew Jason before and I grew to love the Jason he became after the accident. We didn't work because his choices were not what I wanted, but I would never shut him out of my life. He saved me on that bridge and I don't mean the time I wanted to jump. We talked and he helped me figure out what I wanted out of life. He helped me decide to start on a protocol that would ultimately keep me on the path to remaining healthy and he encouraged me to live. He saved me more times than I can count and I am here now in part because of him. To know I could never talk about that or feel gratitude for that because of your issues just pisses me off. You went after his wife. You allowed her into your heart. You screwed her. Your hands were on her body and you let her," she stopped as her emotions came rushing out. "You let her love you."
She sank onto the couch and put her head in her hands as the realization of how hurt she was came to the forefront.
Patrick looked at her and tried to process all she said. He walked to her and sat down, reaching to brush her hair back over her shoulder.
"You're right," he said softly.
She sniffed and looked at him, her face a portrait of simple exhaustion.
"What?"
"I am completely and totally jealous of Jason and Stone and I have never been able to handle your past relationships. I look at you and I find myself so completely in love with you and I have never felt that with anyone. I hate that you have. I hate that I am not the first man to hold a place in your heart and as arrogant and selfish as that sounds, it makes me worry that I can be replaced. Jason is a threat to what I want with you and the fact I lost you twice because of him is something I can't move past. He holds a part of you that I can't touch and I don't know how to deal with that."
He sighed and looked at his hands before he continued.
"You don't love half way. You don't do casual and you don't have flings. To know that this man held such a deep part of you and continues to do so makes me worry that he will always be between us. I don't know how to have him in our lives and not think of that."
Robin put her hand on his knee and looked up into his brown eyes.
"You trust me when I tell you that I love you and need you. Jason and I are friends, but I am not in the least bit romantically attracted to him anymore. I was more interested in Mark than anything, but he doesn't hold a candle to what I feel when I look at you."
"Wait, what? You want Mark?" he asked her with a smile.
She rolled her eyes and smiled.
"No, but what I was saying is that Jason and I haven't been romantic for a long time and there is only one man who is in my heart. There is only one man who has given me a home. There is only one man who has blessed me with a beautiful daughter. There is only one man who has made me cry out in passion," she said and moved her hand more inside his thigh.
He felt his pants tighten and she smiled, noticing as well.
"Jason never made you cry out during sex?" he smiled.
She shook her head.
"You are far superior in that department."
"You're not just saying that?" he teased.
"Oh no, you have moves I've never seen before."
He laughed and she grinned.
"So what does all of this mean?" he sighed. "Where do we go from here?"
She stood up and reached for him.
"Can we go back to the bedroom? Can we just get reacquainted with each other?"
He took her hand and nodded, finding it a little difficult to walk, but following her lead.
"Sit down on the comforter," she said and he did as she asked, joining him and grabbing the two glasses of wine.
Patrick took a drink and put it down.
"You said something before that I want you to tell me more about."
She was nervous. So much had been said.
"You said you missed my hands. What exactly did you miss about them?"
She smiled and took his hand in hers.
"Your hands always brought me comfort. There is no feeling like when you ran your fingers through my hair or cupped my cheek in your palm. The feel of your skin moving over my chest and the dexterity of your fingers always brought me to the edge of bliss."
He swallowed thickly and she smiled softly.
"I missed your mouth," he said quietly.
She waited for more.
"You have the most perfect mouth. Your lips are soft and passionate and when they touch mine, I feel like I was meant to kiss you forever. I missed the feel of them over my chest and I love when you use them to explore my body. Your mouth holds the words I long to hear and the soft moans you release when we make love are some of the most incredible sounds I have ever heard."
She swallowed as he spoke and then she took another drink of wine.
"Can I touch you?" he asked softly.
She nodded.
He ran his hands over her shoulders and down her arms, moving his fingers over her soft flesh and under her quivering arms. He laid her back and she watched him as he moved his hands over her legs and down her thighs to her knees and back up to her hips. He could see the blue of her panties under the nightshirt and he grinned as her nipples pebbled like stones under the soft fabric.
"You are the most incredible woman I have ever known," he said as he pushed her shirt up a little and ran his fingers over her stomach. He saw her tears come and he leaned in closer to her face, never letting his hand leave her flesh.
"You deserve to be touched. You deserve to be loved. You are worth so much more than I've shown you."
She reached up and pulled him to her, pressing her mouth to his and relishing the feel of his body on hers. It didn't matter that he was clothed; she simply needed to feel him with her.
He was lost in the feeling of kissing her and the talk of her mouth on his coupled with the feel of her lips made his whole body react in ways it hadn't in so long.
"Wait," he said and sat back. "I don't want to hurt you."
She looked at him and her tears spilled over the sides of her face.
"Do I really still turn you on? I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do that anymore."
He lay next to her and cupped her cheek in his hand.
"Have you looked at me? Do you see the reaction? My body is on fire for you," he said as he leaned in and kissed her tears away.
"What happened to me doesn't bother you? Doesn't turn you off?"
He could see her sincere fear about that and sat up a little, resting on his elbow.
"It bothers me because you had to go through something horrible. It makes me sick to think of you enduring any kind of touch that you didn't want. It makes me furious that I didn't stop it."
He wiped her tears and traced a line over her lips.
"But it doesn't turn me off. It makes my respect for you grow because you are here and you survived. I look at you and it's like no time has passed. I know we have both changed and I get that we can't just go back, but the feelings I have for you; the love I feel and the need and want in my body for you is as strong as ever. I will do whatever I can to help you through this, but as for how I feel about you and about loving you, I am all in."
She pulled him to her and kissed him again, her body needing him and the taste of his mouth giving her comfort and passion.
"I want to move to the bed," she said.
"Robin, we don't have to," he said, not wanting to push her.
"I need to know that I can sleep in my bed. I need to be able to face my fears if I hope to ever be someone Emma can believe in."
Patrick smiled and shook his head.
"You are already there," he said. "She is your biggest champion."
They got up and Robin sat on her bed, looking at him.
"What were you going to do with the lotion?"
He grinned.
"Give you a massage."
"I see. So is that still on the table?"
"Only if you feel comfortable with it."
She lay back and nodded.
"I'd like that."
He took the lotion and smiled.
"Then let me show you how much my hands missed you, too."
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