Seattle
I forgot the many possibilities a vacation has to offer to a single mom like me. A vacation allows a lot of time to do whatever one's heart desire. This means that I don't have to wake up at the crack of dawn to prepare the day for the two of us. No struggle to wake the little one who, like her mom, loves to sleep in, and is very hard to wake. Then there's the struggle to feed and prepare the little one for the day, then prepare thyself for work and worst of all, no daunting morning rush-hour commute at the New York subway with four bags and a toddler, drop off the said toddler to daycare, then rush to back to the subway for work, and then repeat the process eight hours later. If you're a single mom living in a big city, you know what I'm talking about. The list goes on and on, but when you're on vacation, everything goes out the window.
For the record, I am not complaining. I love my Teddy Bear and he is the apple of my eye, I just don't get why I waited two years and some nagging from my boss for this… me sitting leisurely in a bench at my Dad's backyard in Montesano, on a mid-afternoon of a beautiful and surprisingly warm spring sun. I am reading a manuscript on one hand, and a glass of refreshingly cool iced-tea on the other, while my baby boy is following his Grampapa Ray everywhere he goes, or rather, Ray takes my baby boy everywhere he goes. Right now, they are busy watching the Mariner's play the Oakland Ace, Ray is introducing the game of baseball for the first time to my Ted. The sight of my baby boy trying his best to stay still is one of the most adorable thing I've ever seen. A Kodak moment for mommy. Yes, I like to document each and every step my baby boy make.
Rather than staying with Kate in Seattle for the whole duration of our vacation, I decided to stay with Ray for a week, instead of him driving two hours just so he can see Ted for a day or so. Besides, this vacation is not all about me, it's also about my Teddy. My handsome dark coppery brown haired, round blue eyes, smart and cute as a button young companion. I want my son to spend time with his Grampapa Ray and I can tell the feeling is very mutual. Ray planned a whole weeks' worth of activities for us. Well, activities mostly for my fearless and energetic son, I'm only tagging along to prepare them food and to make sure Teddy isn't covered with mud. We've gone to Kelsey park where Ted played all day, rode a boat and gone fishing at Lake Sylvia, the sight of grandpa and grandson holding fish rods together is so cute, I had to take a picture, and lastly, barbecue and camping in the backyard, well they camped, I stayed inside and slept in the couch. It's been fun for the little one and tomorrow, Auntie Katie will pick us up for the next part of our vacation. We'll stay with her at her apartment in Seattle, do more fun stuff and hopefully meet Uncle Ethan for the first time. Of all my closest friends, only Ethan hasn't found out about Ted, yet. The thought make me uneasy.
"You okay, kid?" Ray's approach interrupt my musing.
"Yeah, who won?" I ask. The game must've finished as he starts preparing the grill for dinner.
"Mariners lost, Ted dozed off on the couch. I think the game bored him," he says, smiling fondly.
"Don't worry, at least he stayed with you the whole time."
"Yeah, he did," he chuckles. "So…" Ray begins to say, in the tone that I've come to recognize as his way of starting that conversation. My decision to move to New York was not just for my career. You see, I left Seattle before I reached my first trimester. For many reasons, fear included, I waited before telling my parents about my pregnancy. It took a lot of time to pluck up the courage and tell them that I was almost six months pregnant and to beg them not to ask who the father is. They were, of course, understandably upset but nevertheless respected my decision. Getting them to understanding doesn't mean they stopped asking me to reconsider my decision to leave the father clueless about this. My parents take turns into these kinds of conversations every chance they get and I understand, their reasons, are after all, valid. Yes, I could use some help, physically and financially and yes, Ted's father has the right to know, etc. etc. but the thing is, I kind of already know what his reaction is going to be. He won't be happy, I'm sure of it. I missed taking my pill once and he freaked out, thought that I did it on purpose, thought that I wanted to get pregnant on purpose, he warned me that he has the option – no – he has the right to tell me to get rid of it, and I will never forget that one time. It is etched in my mind like a tattoo, so no – I refuse to see his reaction first hand, the moment it did happened (almost a year after I missed my pill) even though I was religious with my pill and yes, I chose to leave rather than being accused of something or worst… the thought makes me shiver.
"Dad… please, let's not rehash," I beg.
"Rehash what? I don't know what you're talking about," he backtracks, innocently.
"Please, you know what I'm talking about," I say, rolling my eyes. When I say that he and my mom take turns to talk to me every chance they get, I meant whenever my baby boy is out of earshot. Ted napping is one of them, actually, it's their best chance to have this kind conversations.
"Fine, humor me then. I was just wondering, you know, since you're going to Seattle, maybe…"
"I'm visiting my friends, dad, that's all. Mom visited a week before I was asked to go on a vacation and you haven't seen or visited since Ted's first birthday. Plus, all my friends are in living in Seattle, I haven't seen then in a while. Oh and Kate will murder me if don't visit her. She's dying to see Ted, even though she tries to visit every chance she gets. It's our turn to reciprocate, that's all," I say, finishing his words before he can even try to mention who he thinks is Ted's father is even though, I've given my it was a one night thing with a random guy excuse.
"He has the right to know, Ana. Whatever you think he might say or do, he has the right to know, that's all I'm saying," he eventually say, completely ignoring what I just said, as if to say that I am not fooling anyone but myself. Who am I kidding? One damn look and anyone with a right mind and eyes, I might add, would know that my baby boy is his father's son with his naturally tousled bronze hair that turns into luminous copper when directed to the sun, he is tall and smart for his age, has that serious look when he's concentrating on something, and very good looking – a real head turner. Rather than making up some kind of excuse, I chose to ignore my dads' latest attempts to talk me into confirming his and my mom's suspicions.
"He is growing up so fast," Ray says fondly, looking at the direction where my little boy is fast asleep. "I'm sure you know that eventually, he's going to start asking," he adds.
"I know, dad. He's already tall for his age and smart, but he's still my baby boy. I'm not ready for the growing up part just yet," I respond ruefully.
"Promise me one thing, Ana. When that day comes, don't lie, make excuses or shut down. Tell him the truth, will you?" he says thoughtfully. I suppress a sigh. How do I reply from that?
"I'm taking it one step at a time, dad. But when the time comes, I will tell him, just not now. I'm not ready, yet."
"Good. Anyway, so your friends know about Ted?" Ray asks, when he realize that I've once again shut down, like what I've grown accustomed to when people try to wheedle the information of me.
"So far, only Kate and Jose," I respond. My friends, Kate and Jose, only ever found out about Ted because of unexpected circumstances. Before you get upset, yes, I didn't want to tell my friends at first – even my best friend, Kate, it's not because I am ashamed or anything, but because I didn't want anyone to jump into conclusions and more importantly, I don't want the news to reach the wrong ears. I wanted a drama-free pregnancy and I certainly don't want a scandal, at least for Ted's dad. Anyway, going back to how my friends found out, Kate found out from the hospital the day I checked myself in because my water broke. The hospital couldn't reach both my parents, and Kate being my third emergency contact, answered the call. Jose on the other hand, found out when he showed up, unannounced, in my office and it was a bring-your-kid-or-pet-Friday in the office. Like my parents, my friends, Kate especially, both felt a mixture of stunned-disbelief, hurt and disappointment that I kept such news from them. Thankfully, after sixteen hours of labor (on Kate's part) and once I explained things to them, they were surprisingly understanding.
Once they've forgiven me from keeping such secret to them, the questions started popping, especially from my tenacious best friend that I resolved on playing the shut-down card. It doesn't stop any of them from their suspicions though, for even my friends think that they know who my baby boy's father really is. And I refuse to confirm or say anything. As for Ethan, well, he hasn't showed up unannounced or anything, and Kate refuse to tell her brother either. She thinks that it's my story to tell, not hers and since I'm all for not telling anyone, not because I'm ashamed but for fear of the news reaching the wrong ears, I completely welcomed the idea. Until of course, I was asked to take a vacation and I'm about to spend two weeks with my best friend, at her apartment in Seattle, with her brother just a two buildings down. Damn. Turns out, this vacation has some disadvantages.
"How are you getting to Seattle tomorrow? Want me to drive both of you?" Ray says, once again, breaking the silence and my misery, I mean, reverie.
"No worries, Dad, Kate will swing by tomorrow after a field work in Portland."
"Okay…" Ray says, noncommittally, which tells me he's not too happy to part with the little one just yet.
"We'll come back after a few months or you can always visit, I'm sure Ted will love hanging out with his grampapa," I tell him, using his fondness to the little one as a tool to change the subject. It works, Ray smiles genially, his eyes crinkling.
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"Hey, Kate, it's good to see you," I say, giving her an I-missed-you-too hug, when she arrives to pick us up.
"Steele! You look good! Love the highlights," Kate says, responding my hug with her own special embrace. I smile, thankful that she forgiven me after keeping my secret from her. Aside from my parents, I know I've hurt Kate the most by my decision. When the hospital called her, Kate took the first available flight to New York. Showing up with a mixture stunned disbelief, worry, hurt, furry and disappointment that I almost forgot that I was in labor. And even with all those feelings, even though I hurt her for not telling, she stayed with me throughout the ordeal and was present when I delivered Ted.
"Aunt Katie!" My baby boy thunders, cannoning from the kitchen and straight into Aunt Katie's arms.
"Teddy Bear! Hi, Ray! How's it going?" Kate says affectionately.
"Good to see you, Kate, how are things?" Ray responds.
"Good, thanks," Kate tells Ray, before she turns her full attention to my baby boy. "How's my baby boy? You ready to go?" she adds affectionately, as she settles him from her hip. My baby boy just smiles toothily and nods.
"You are, are you? I love your backpack," she winks and my baby boy smiles, holding the backpack.
"Thomas the twain," Ted says, shyly, referring to the Thomas the train backpack that grampapa Ray, got for him very recently.
"Very cool! You like trains?" Kate asks to my baby boy.
"Yes!" My baby boy exclaims, happily.
"Kate, you want something to drink first, before we leave?" I ask, interrupting their conversation.
"No thanks, I'm good. If we go now, there's a good chance that we'll avoid traffic."
"Okay, I'll get the bags." I say, turning to give my dad a hug, say our see you later and let me know when you'll visit, before collecting our things and putting then at the back of the SUV.
"Baby boy, wanna say good bye to Grandpa Ray?" Kate tells Ted, who is resting on her shoulder.
"'Papa Ray," My baby says, exuberantly, reaching out to his grandpa. I think I might've heard Rays heart break a little at the sight of his grandson leaving.
xxxxxxxxxxx
"Don't be surprised to see Ethan, I borrowed his SUV for this occasion and I told him he can pick it up later today," Kate says, when we pull into her garage, after a two hour drive from Montesano. The drive to Seattle was fast and uneventful. Kate and I talked and discussed our plans for our stay, while my baby boy watch his favorite cartoon.
"Oh," I say, a little dumbfounded. "So you didn't replace your car?"
"I did replaced my CLK with an E class. My car isn't not suitable for my teddy bear and your things, so I borrowed Ethan's SUV," she smiles haughtily. "Don't worry about him, Ana, it'll all be alright," she adds
"Did you tell him?"
"Nope. I told you, that's not my job."
"Oh," I say, a little apprehensive. Half sure, half unsure how Ethan will react when he sees my baby boy, who is still peacefully sleeping from his car seat at the moment, the Dr. Seuss movie completely forgotten.
"Don't worry, Steele, it'll all be alright." Kate says as we get off the car. "I mean, sure, he'll be surprised, maybe hurt and all. He will have questions and you will need to explain things. Having said that, he will understand, like I did, and eventually come around," she adds as we divide our bags, get the sleeping toddler, from his car seat and into my arms, the finally, we make our way up to her apartment.
My friendship with Ethan stems from my friendship with Kate and the entire Kavanagh family. They all treat me as Kate's twin, like I am their own family. When I made the choice to keep Ted away from as many people including family and friends, I knew that this feat will hurt most of them, the moment they find out. Ethan, I'm sure won't be any different, I'm sure he will go through the same thing that emotional process when my parents, Jose and Kate, found out and I will have to go through the same thing, apologize for hurting his feelings, explain my situation and eventually shut down when they finally ask the million-dollar question. I am, however, banking on the fact that Ethan is a psychiatrist and that as a psychiatrist, I hope that somehow, he will understand.
"I'm not that worried," I finally say. Of course I'm worried. My biggest worry is that… the mere thought makes me want to throw up. Crap.
"No you're not. You're just worried he'll tell his fiancé," Kate says, deadpan, when we finally reach her apartment. Damn her for reading me like a book. But before I even dwell on her words, and as she welcomes me and my still sleeping son, into her apartment, we hear noise coming from her living room.
"That'll be Ethan," Kate mutters. I think she's more nervous than I am. "Cross your fingers and pray that his fiancé isn't with him, she rarely visit with him. Pray that today is not one of them."
"Oh," is all I can say, my heart beating double time and I'm slightly paralyzed from where I'm standing. Crap.
"Yeah, a cute little Teddy bear is about to hit the fan."
"What fan, Aunt Katie?" The voice of my baby boy startles both of us. I'm not sure if our muttering or the voice coming from the living room, woke him from his nap.
"Oh it's nothing, Teddy Bear," we both say.
"Let's get you inside, Mommy's gonna introduce you to Uncle Ethan," Kate coos to my baby, as she takes him from my arms, ruffle his unruly bronze, not copper hair, thank goodness, kiss his chubby cheeks before setting him down, so he can walk. When they're ready, hand in hand, they both turn to me, my baby boy smiling politely while his Aunt Katie finally say, "Let's go, Steele."
Oh my, here we go.