This chapter was inspired in part by the song "Run" by Daughter.
"We should get some of those big backpacks."
They had been walking in relative silence through the woods, with nothing but the gentle rustling of trees overhead and the faint chirping of birds to fill the quiet. At least, that had been all until Beth's voice broke into the quiet, catching Daryl off guard and pulling him out of his thoughts to look over at her with a confused frown. "What?"
"You know, those big like… hiking backpacks. Is that what they're called? They're really tall and you can fit all kinds of stuff in them and roll a blanket to strap on top, and they have all kinds of hooks…" She was gesturing as she talked, presumably trying to illustrate what she meant although it mostly just looked like her waving her hands around. Which was probably why he just ended up furrowing his brow at her a little bit more, until she stopped and asked, "What? Can't you imagine me with one of those?"
"Oh I can." He chuckled, low and rumbling through his chest as he gave her a little smirked look over. "That's what's so amusing."
"Hey!"
"Oh c'mon, Greene." Daryl couldn't resist teasing her. How could he, when she always lit up so nicely and flushed so prettily each time he did? "Strap one of those big bags on your back, wouldn't you just tip over?"
"Daryl!" She tried to sound scolding, but she was giggling as soon as the exclamation trailed off. "Oh god, I'd be like a… like a weeble, you know? Wobbling all over, and you'd have to keep picking me up… Can you imagine?"
Yeah, he could, and it was adorable. God, she was fucking adorable. That wasn't a word he'd used much, if ever, before Beth. It wasn't like he had any need to; after all there wasn't much adorable about Merle coming home at three am, drugged out of his mind with some random girl on his arm. Wasn't much adorable about his Ma, drunk on whiskey and covered in bruises, leaning on him to help her get to bed. Wasn't much adorable about his Dad, or his crappy life, or pretty much jack shit in his life… until her. Until this woman standing in the middle of the woods walking beside him, hair all lit up golden by the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees above them, going on about wobbling around with a big hiking backpack on her tiny little frame.
Sometimes when he looked at her or hell, even just thought about her, this thought came worming its way into his mind. It didn't pop in or flash through his thoughts, no, it wormed. Slow and subtle, and he wouldn't even know it was there until it crept up on him, and whispered into his thoughts: I don't know what I'd do, without her.
It was the kind of thought he pushed away as soon as it registered. The kind of thought he refused to dwell on, to even consider; just as he refused to consider how he'd never thought that about anyone in his life before. Just as he refused to consider that there might come a time where hewould have to figure out what to do without her. That was it, really. That was the reason why he refused to let that thought become anymore of a whisper. Because he couldn't bear to think about the idea that someday he might have to do just that, might have to figure out what to do without Beth Greene beside him...
No. Those thoughts weren't allowed to bloom in his mind let alone take up root, no matter how much they tried. No matter that every time he thought about what was up ahead, what he might be leading her into at Terminus, at some unknown place potentially filled with a massive herd of hungry walkers that could tear her away from him and… No.
He had to banish those thoughts. Had to focus instead on Beth and her smile and the way she lit up brighter than the sunlight that shone down on her. It wasn't like she made it hard.
"Or would I slow you down too much? ...Daryl?" Her voice cut into his thoughts, right on cue, and an amused smile crossed her lips as she kept on teasing, "Hey, Earth to Daryl…"
"Huh?" He blinked against the sunlight until he finally focused on her once more and saw her eyeing him with an amused little smile.
"I said, would I slow you down too much, if I was wobbling all over the place making you pick me up?"
"Maybe." He hesitated only a second, and the next step he took brought him closer to her, enough so his arm lightly brushed hers as he murmured, "But you know I wouldn't leave y' behind." Against the solemnity of those words, he offered a hint of smirk and nudged his arm a bit more teasingly against hers as he added, "Even if y' were wobblin' all over the place. Little weeble…"
For just a moment their eyes met and he saw that same solemn look in her eyes, understanding mixed with something else, something deeper, something that looked almost like I'd never leave you either, but was left unsaid because between the two of them they didn't always need words. At least, not in moments like this. Instead they used their words lightly, like Beth did right now as she stuck out her tongue from the corner of her mouth and groaned, "Oh no, are you gonna start calling me that now?"
"What if I do, weeble?"
"Daryl! C'mon…"
"What, you don't like that?" He felt a smile tugging at his lips, the kind that seemed to come easier and easier these days, around her anyway. "How about little weeble."
And Beth just groaned, tipping her head back and looking up at the sky as she sighed, "This is all my fault. I regret everything."
"You change your mind, then? No hiking backpacks for us?"
After a moment she lowered her head and gave a little chuckle as she shook it. "No. No hiking backpacks! At least not for me. I just… I guess I was just thinking it'd be nice to be able to carry more, you know? We can only hold so much in these backpacks or strapped to them, or in our pockets. I know we gotta stay light to keep moving, but…"
"But it's hard," he murmured after a moment, darting a glance over at her before looking back ahead, reminding himself to keep his eyes on their surroundings even though she was far more tempting a sight. "Trying to stay well-supplied without weighing ourselves down?"
"Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's just hard, when we're on the move…" She looked around at the dark leaves on the tree, a hint of yellow visible here and there but the air still mostly warm, for now anyway. "And it'll get harder, once autumn comes, and then winter…"
Another thing he didn't really want to think about, though he knew he should. Knew he should plan for it, knew they should both plan for it, for the weather getting cold and the things they'd need to do to survive. But right now he just wanted to focus on the present. That was more than enough to try and deal with. "Sun's getting low," he remarked instead, looking up at the tree line and then back down at her, "Should find some place for the night."
"We're getting close, aren't we?" Beth looked ahead of them up the tracks. Terminus wasn't visible yet, but it would be soon. Too soon, a part of him thought.
"Mm," he grunted and then, for her, added lowly, "Less than a day. Which means it's even more important to find some place for the night and get some rest. Don't know what we might find tomorrow."
Which was, despite his persistence in ignoring it, exactly what Daryl was so worried about. But not right now. Right now he was gonna push that out of his mind yet again and focus on heading away from the train tracks and finding some place for them to stay for the night.
He had been hoping for a hunting cabin or shack, or hell, maybe even a van or a covered truck or something. What they found instead, just as the sun began to set, was a hunter's tree stand high above them. It couldn't have been more like a six-by-six foot wooden ledge, maybe even smaller than that, held up by crossbeams that came down at a 45 degree angle to where they were bolted into the tree below. The only way up was a makeshift ladder, built of planks of wood nailed into the truck of the tree.
"We can find better," Daryl grunted, shaking his head as he looked down at her.
"Don't be silly, this is fine!" Beth pulled her own gaze away from the perch above them and looked over at him with a worried frown. "You said yourself it doesn't look like it's going to rain tonight, so we don't need cover…"
"But it ain't got no walls, and we can't light no fire up there…"
"So?" She turned towards him, crossing her arms lightly over her chest. "Daryl, we'll be okay. We've got venison jerky and canned food to eat that doesn't need to be cooked, and we've got blankets if it gets cold tonight. It shouldn't be too bad, and it's high up, so it'll be safe."
He knew she was right and yet still he hesitated, torn with his desire (need, really) to do better. To give her better, not because he felt she needed protection or that she couldn't take care of herself but because he just… he just wanted to give her better, that was all. Wanted to keep her safe, wanted to keep her at his side.
But he couldn't really argue, not when she was looking at him like. He had no idea how she managed to look so firm yet soft at the same time; there was a determination to her that told him she wasn't going to budge, but she also had this look of understanding in her eyes as if she knew exactly what he was worrying about.
"Come on," she murmured, stepping towards him and curling her fingers around his forearm. "It's gonna get dark soon. Let's climb up here and settle in for the night, okay? If we get up there now, we might have some time to read a bit, before the sun sets…"
With a shake of his head and a little faint smile, Daryl pushed aside his worries yet again and followed after her as she began to climb up the boards of wood nailed into the side of the tree, heading for the stand above.
In the end she was right, of course. It wasn't bad at all. They'd settled in on the small perch, side by side with their backs to the tree. After sharing some of the venison jerky between the and splitting a half a can of fruit, they had settled in to read until the sun had gone down and made reading impossible.
Now with the night air around them, Daryl felt Beth shiver faintly at his side as she slipped their worn paperback book into her bag. He reached for the blanket folded beside her, unrolling it and leaning forward to wrap it around the both of them without even thinking to only cover up her alone. His hand slipped slowly around her back beneath the blanket and he drew her to his side, feeling her tuck herself against him without any hesitation on her part, either.
In fact her hand slid easily across his chest, arm slinging over his stomach until her hand settled at his opposite side. The weight of her arm made him shift faintly beneath her until his own hand found perfect purchase against her back, splaying over her shirt, his thumb brushing in a soft circle until he heard her softly laugh from where her cheek had come to rest on his shoulder.
"What?"
"I was just wondering if you were, you know… ticklish."
His brow furrowed, a chuckle of his own catching in his throat as he looked down at her and asked again, "What made y' think of that?"
"I dunno, I was moving my hand over your side and thinking about how it'd be the perfect way to sneakily tickle you, but then suddenly I just found myself wondering if you were ticklish, and imagining it just made me laugh because it seems so… so not you. I mean you're just so… solemn and sort of gruff, you know?"
With a 'hmm' that made her rise and fall with the hitch of his chest, Daryl shook his head and grunted in reply, "Dunno if I should be offended by that or not."
"I didn't mean to offend you, if that helps." Her soft smile reassured him of that. "You just don't seem like the ticklish type, that's all."
"Well, maybe I'd surprise you..." He drew out the words, gruff but with a hint of the playfulness she seemed to be so good at bringing out of him somehow.
"Oh yeah?" And there it was again, that light in her eyes brightening her whole face. There was so much in her eyes these days when she looked at him, so many emotions he didn't dare try to name, but the most important thing was that she was happy. He could see it in every inch of her right now as she looked at him with a grin on her face, her fingers curling and teasing at his waist while he shook his head.
"Maybe, but even if I am, I ain't gonna tell you where I'm ticklish," Daryl drawled back.
"Is that right?" Her voice got the tiniest bit lower, her eyes visibly darkening in the moonlight as she smirked up at him. "You want me to try and find your ticklish spots myself, Mr. Dixon?"
And suddenly the mood had shifted, though he couldn't say it was for the worse. There had been a warmth between them moments ago, soft and happy, but now there was heat. Heat that felt charged just like he did, as if that look in her eyes had something crackling through his veins and making his breathing a little bit rough.
He didn't think he was the only one. He could see her breath hitching in her chest, and as he watched her Beth began to nibble at her lower lip, the line of her teeth dimpling that soft pink flesh as she looked up at him with those big eyes of hers.
Somehow he found himself holding his ground, voice low and a little rough as he murmured right back, "Maybe. You think you're up for that, Greene?"
"I might be." Her hand shifted away from his side to brush up his chest instead, and fuck, the way she was holding his eyes was making him feel so damn warm, so damn flustered. "But maybe not right now."
"No?" He tried to tell himself he wasn't disappointed, but maybe some hint of it flickered across his face because Beth's expression shifted almost instantly.
A smile went up her lips again as she leaned into him and murmured, "No… 'cause maybe I've got something else in mind to do right now."
He would've asked 'something like what?', but it seemed like Beth didn't intend to make him wait to find out. Instead she was already moving beside him, leaning up and in so she could brush her lips against his. The kiss was soft and light at first but it didn't take long to deepen, not when her fingers were curling into his shirt and his were moving to cup her cheek and brush back into her hair.
They stayed like that, lips parting as they tasted each other, every inch of him flushed with a warmth far more pleasant than that of a crackling fire, until his lungs began to ache and he had to pull back just to catch his breath in a ragged gasp.
"Ain't got no complaints about that," he said once he'd caught his breath, his voice still rough not just with breathlessness but something else, too, something all tied up in the heat that she seemed to make simmer in his veins.
"Good," Beth murmured right back, brushing her lips sweetly over his one more time before she settled back against him. "But don't think that means I'm not planning on finding your ticklish spot someday, Mr. Dixon."
"Oh yeah?" He grinned. "Guess I'd better stay on my guard around you then, hm?"
"You can try," she breathed out as she pressed her cheek to his chest and tilted her head to nuzzle against the crook of his neck. "But I plan on catching you when you least expect it. You'll see."
"I guess I will." Daryl gave one last chuckle as his arm slipped around her again, tightening against her back to hold her close under the blanket. "C'mon, little Weeble. Time t' get some rest. Might be a big day, tomorrow."
"Mmm, I know." She sighed and he watched as her hand splayed against his side and her eyes fluttered shut, and in a soft whisper she exhaled, "G'night, Daryl…"
"Night, Beth."
Watching her fall asleep was one of the most peaceful things he knew he'd ever seen, and yet… and yet his own words lingered even amid that sight. Might be a big day, tomorrow. Wasn't that what he'd been dreading all day, hell, all week? Wasn't that what stalked the recesses of his mind, dark thoughts like a silent hunter through the grass, waiting for the opportunity to strike him with worry and fear?
When he looked down at her so sweet and peaceful, he wished he could just get lost in that. And if not that, then in the memories of moments like they'd just shared. He wished he could just get caught up in remembering her kissing him, wished he didn't feel those worries creeping through his mind instead, as if Terminus and all the worries that came with it were stalking him, just biding their time.
But unfortunately, it wasn't like he could do much about that now. Wasn't like he could do anything but wait and sleep, and see what tomorrow would bring.
Bad, or good.
So with one last sigh, one last shove in the direction of the black thoughts creeping through his mind, he tightened his arm around Beth, tipped his head back against the tree, and let his eyes slowly close.
In the end he should have known better. He should have listened to the worry churning in his stomach yesterday and today, should've listened to the black fear twining tendrils around his gut and tightening with each step they got closer to this place. This place.
Terminus.
Terminate.
End.
He should have known it would be like this, should have known it would be bad. But he had lead her right into it, brought her right through the front gates like a lamb to the slaughter. Beth, his soft, sweet lamb now bleating with terror as they surrounded her. The walkers that filled this place and made it their own, reaching for her now with dead and decayed hands, curling fingers into fabric and flesh and pulling her into their midst. Pulling her into death right along with them.
Her mouth opened in a pealing scream of his name: Daryl, Daryl, DARYL! But he couldn't do anything, couldn't get to her, she was lost in a sea of walkers and he was no longer her anchor, no longer her safe harbor in the storm because he was the one who had lead her right to it. He was the one who had sailed her right into this storm and abandoned her, watched the dead rise over her like a rotten tide, tattered clothes and torn flesh and clotted blood swallowing her whole, pulling her apart piece by piece to make her one of them.
His fault, his fault, his fault.
She was being pulled further and further from him, or maybe he was being pulled from her. Either way she began to recede, lost in the sea of walkers. As he was pulled away from her the flames of Terminus snapped and crackled in the distance, like the fires of hell itself coming for him, coming for them. He could still see her up ahead, a bright spot in a swarm of death and darkness and he wanted to shout: run, Beth, run, run run…
But all she did was scream as bloody rotten teeth tore into her once pristine, perfect skin, and the walkers were turning, coming for him too now, surrounding him and sweeping over him like a wave of blackness that brought with it the scent of old blood and dead flesh. He pushed against the blackness, scrambled with every last inch of strength he had…
.., and woke with a gasp, sitting up so sharply that the weight that had been leaning against him was shoved away as he cried out in a low, raspy voice, "Run. Run, Beth-" Beth. He could see her in front of him, face bloodied and torn apart by hungry walkers, lost to him forever… he choked on his breath and gasped, "Beth, oh god, Beth-"
"I'm right here. Daryl-" And suddenly, there she was. The sweet scent of her filled his nostrils, banishing the stink of death as she pressed herself back against his side. He felt her hand press against his cheek, fingers curling there and grazing over his skin. Her hand was so warm, so alive. With a tiny bit of pressure she turned his head until he looked into her gaze, until he saw her there in front of him. The real her. Alive.
Even in the darkness she was radiant. The light of the moon above them made her hair and skin seem to faintly glow, made her big blue eyes light up almost like little bits of sapphire. There was nothing to marr her skin except one single scar across her cheek, leftover from the car that had hit her and broken her wrist, too. There was no torn flesh, no blood. Just her, perfect and pure.
But what affected him more than any of that was the look in her eyes, so filled with worry and concern and something else, something he didn't know how to put a name to yet but nevertheless felt inside of him, too, deep in the corners of his heart all warm and blossoming slowly, like the petals of a flower opening bit by bit to the sun.
"Beth..." He ground out her name again and this time as he did he reached for her instinctively. His hand found her hip, his fingers curling reflexively against the curve of it as he felt a shudder go through his whole body.
"I'm right here," she murmured in a soft, breathy voice that was husky with the sleep he must have knocked her right out of. He might have felt guilty, except he was too busy just being grateful that she was alive. That it had only been a dream.
Or, well… a nightmare.
But this? This was real. This wasn't just a trick of his dark and scared mind. Her fingers brushing over his skin, the sight of her shifting up onto her knees and leaning in until her forehead rested against his? That was so very real, and so was the way he breathed her in, drawing in deep breathes until he almost felt like the scent of her and nearness of her could banish the dark remnants of that nightmare that lingered inside of him.
"Dreamed they got you. Dreamed I lost you…" The words tripped over his tongue but still spilled free, husky and hoarse as he kept his eyes shut.
"You didn't, Daryl. You won't. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere." Her voice was so fierce, so sure, and god did he wish he could believe her. God did he wish that there wasn't a part of him that wanted to disagree, wanted to tell her that she couldn't promise him that. That neither of them could.
He couldn't bring himself to disagree with her, but he couldn't agree wither..
Instead they just stayed still in the dark, forehead to forehead, both of them silent except for their hearts, which were beating so loud that he felt as if his own, at least, was almost like a drum pounding away in his chest. Beating out the rhythm of his fear, his worry… and something else, too. Something that was an echo of that sensation deep within, of something warm and bright unfurling in her presence.
He couldn't put to words the things that were making his heart race like a drum. Couldn't tell her can't lose you and I don't think I could live with myself if I did.
There were other things, too, other things he couldn't tell her. Things like how he didn't want to go to Terminus tomorrow. Things like how he wanted to stick up his middle fingers towards the once burning buildings the way they'd done it all that time ago to the little shack in the middle of the words. Or how just like then he wanted to turn with her at his side now and just run. Run away. Run to safety. Run to somewhere that was just for them. Somewhere they could both be safe.
But he didn't even think a place like that existed and even if he had known, that was still a thing he couldn't say. Because if there was any chance that their family was there, or had been there and might have left some sign… that was a thing they couldn't run away from. No matter how much the thought of that place filled his stomach with a sick churning dread.
He would just have to push it away. Like he had earlier today, like he had been doing all this time. Hell, like he'd learned to do as a little kid, terrified of the thought of his father coming home from another bender and finding him.
Except it seemed that Beth had something else in mind. Just as he began to draw himself up, just as he began to shudder with the strength it took him to push past it all and hide it away, she pulled back and looked into his eyes and whispered, "Don't, Daryl." And when he opened his eyes at last, confusion mingling with the remnants of fear, he felt her fingers come up once more to graze his cheek as she whispered, "You're not alone, Daryl. You don't have to keep acting like you are. You don't have to keep pushing it all away, hiding it deep down inside and pretending it doesn't bother you."
Before he could open his mouth to protest, she traced her fingers down over her jaw and added almost plaintively, "Didn't we say that we'd put each other first, Daryl? Us, before anything else? That doesn't just mean when it comes to fighting, or finding a way to survive. It means things like this, too. Whatever is burdening either of us, whatever is burdening you Daryl… you can tell me. Don't you trust me?"
Of course he did. That knowledge was more crisp and clear in his mind that anything else right now. He trusted Beth more than he'd ever trusted anyone before in his life.
He trusted her with his life.
So if he trusted her with that, couldn't he trust her with anything else? Like the black thoughts that clung to the crevices of his mind and hard and twisted around his gut to make it churn? Couldn't he trust her enough to look into her eyes and curl his fingers against her hip and whisper into the safety of his nearness, "I can't lose you."
Apparently, he could.
And once those first few words were out, the rest of it seemed to spring to his tongue. Halting and short and clipped, sure, because he couldn't change who he was, not entirely. But he could trust her enough to admit to this, at least.
"Keep thinking something'll go wrong. And it ain't that I don't think you can keep yourself safe, that you ain't strong… I know you can, I know you are... but I just… Sometimes I just think I don't know what I'd do if you weren't here and then I think…"
"What if I wasn't?" Beth's soft voice picked up the trail of his, finding the words he couldn't seem to form on his own.
"Yeah. And I keep thinking about Terminus and all them walkers and I just…"
"Is that what you dreamed about, tonight?"
"Lead you right to it. Right into it. And all I did was watch while they tore you apart and you- And I-"
"Shhh…" Her forehead pressed to his again and this time her hand cupped the back of his head, stroking over his neck and through his long hair. "It wasn't real, and it won't be real. We won't let it, okay? You're not gonna lead me into anything like that, Daryl. We know better, don't we? We wouldn't have taken that risk anyway and now, we'll just be extra careful. We won't even put ourselves near enough for them to see us, let alone touch us, if it comes down to that, okay?"
"You mean that?" There was a vulnerability in his voice that he would have hated if he wasn't so, well, vulnerable right now. If he could've helped it, or dragged up anything beyond that, emotionally. But got, he needed to know she did. Needed to know she meant it, even though it might mean losing a chance to find out what had happened to their family.
"Course I do. Just like I meant it when I said I ain't going anywhere, okay?" As if to punctuate that statement she shifted in front of him, but only to turn in the bracket of his legs, resting on her hip and leaning against him till she was curled against his chest. "See? I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. Not physically or otherwise."
With his arms sliding around her he drew in a deep breath, filled his nose with the scent of her as the last little bit of worry unknotted within his chest and slipped from his lips, "I just keep feelin' like somethin' bad is coming, up ahead."
"Maybe it is. But if so, then we'll face it together, okay?"
He knew there was more he could've said. More plans to be made, maybe more reassurances on the tip of her tongue that she might have given voice to. But right now? This was all he wanted, or needed. Her, wrapped up in his arms and held close to his chest. Safe.
This time, he didn't even let himself mentally add to the end of that: Safe, for now. Because he believed in her. If she said they'd be careful, if she said that she wasn't going anywhere than this time, he believed her.
He just had to remember to trust in her… he had to remember to trust in the two of them, and the knowledge that they were stronger together.
So he pressed his lips to her forehead and let his eyes flutter shut as he whispered back simply, "Okay."
I'm sorry if this was awful, I haven't been having the best week. As always, thank you for continuing to read this story, and thank you so much for all the comments you leave. They're what keeps me going and keeps me writing, and makes me remember to tell that old self doubt to back off.