Most of my time at the Refuge was uneventful. As you have probably guessed, my father never came back for me. I found myself falling into the routines there. I cleaned, I slept, and I ate very little. The only positive to the place was the hour of school we were made to attend every day. I learned to read and do a bit of basic math.
Other than the occasional big kid pushing me around or an adult who boxed my ears and threatened me for not talking, life went smoothly. I enjoyed watching the older boys; they played with old mostly deflated balls in the small fenced in outdoor area there, they wrestled, and did what they could to find some joy in this prison for orphans.
As I got older, and was nearing 10 years old. I felt my life was changing. There was something different about me. Most of the boys my age would stand at the fence and watch for girls walking by and would whistle until one of the adults came out to threaten them. But I found myself watching them instead. I tried to hide when we would be in the showers, and would often race into a toilet stall to hide.
I was sure I was hiding my secret pretty well. But one day a new older boy arrived. I never found out his real name, but the boys called him Brick. I had heard rumors about what he'd done to a boy on the streets. Beaten him to a bloody pulp on a construction site. But I also knew that some of the tough guys tended to start their own rumors so people would leave them alone.
A few weeks after Brick arrived, there was another new boy. He was a few months older than me and had dirty blonde hair. I couldn't help myself, and watched his every move. He was the first person that I spoke to since my father had left. It was odd hearing my own voice; my accent had faded a bit after 5 years.
As the home was getting more crowded over the winter months, boys had to start sharing bunks. I told the new boy, Horatio that he could stay in mine. I couldn't help smiling that first night knowing that he was next to me. But part way into the night I woke up to his sobs shaking the bed, he was shivering as well. I put my blanket over him to help him stay warm and placed my hand on his shoulder. He looked up at me, his one eye staring directly into mine while the other seemed to gaze off into the heavens.
He started crying harder and so I embraced him. He curled himself into my arms and soon cried himself to sleep. I felt so much joy at that moment. Holding someone, expressing love, it was pure happiness. I was thankful he was asleep because eventually my mind began to drift off to other thoughs. I bit my lip and slipped my arm out from under him and hurried into the bathroom stall.
When I exited I saw Brick standing there eyeing me and quick hurried back to my bed.
Over the next weeks I spent all my time with Horatio, who insisted I call him by his middle name, Doug. I sat and listen to him talk for hours on end. I would talk in response from time to time, just so he'd continue. And he always got a big grin on his face whenever my Irish tones broke through.
He would tell me about his family and how he wanted to be an inventor some day and make a fortune. I told him of my dream to live near the ocean again and to find my sister.
I did everything with him; he was my first and only friend. Though I did learn not to shower when he was in there. It was a mistake I only made once, but as I tried to make a dash for the toilet I saw Brick's eyes on me once again, and I began to get worried. Would he tell an adult my secret? Would they tell the priest who gave me communion once a month? Would he condemn me to hell?
A few weeks later Doug fell sick with a fever, the first night he had it I could feel him shivering early on, and as morning approached he was soaked with sweat and delusional. They moved him to a room set aside for illness. I missed him terribly. I did my best to get assigned to bring food into him and the other boys in there. I even spoke to some of the adults, which I had never done before.
I stayed in that room scrubbing the floors; I took an extra-long time in there. I missed dinner as I sat there watching him breathe, and thrash in his sleep. I had a hard time resisting my instinct to go to him and hold him. I returned to the dorm area late into the night, Most of the boys were sleeping. I grabbed my sleeping clothes from their hook and headed into the bathroom to shower. I was almost finished when I heard someone behind me.
I turned to see Brick standing there watching me. He wore only his long johns and a smirk on his face. I could see through his single layer of clothes, and knew what his intentions were. I grabbed my clothes thinking maybe I could make a run for it. But as I started moving he grabbed me by the back of the neck and shoved me into the wall.
I've done my best to block out the rest of that night's events. I know I hit my head hard at some point. When Brick was satisfied he stood up and said, "You better keep your mouth shut, Leprechaun. Or I'll take your boy too."
I hurt so much I could hardly move, and there was blood on the floor underneath me. I pulled on my night shirt over my long johns and pants, hoping to hide the blood. And I slowly made my way to my bunk and cried myself to sleep.
At meals the next day I couldn't eat. Every time I brought a bite to my lips I had to fight down the bile in my throat. Despite the pain I still did my best to get assigned to cleaning the sick room. He looked awful, I was scared to death he was going to die, and I would be alone again. I didn't eat for almost a week, and as the days passed I was starting to feel weaker.
I finally got assigned to bringing food into him, I was happy since he was the only boy still in there. It was a horrible smelling soup, but not much worse than what the rest ate.
He was awake and when he said my name, I thought I'd pass out from the joy I felt. He looked a lot better than I'd seen him a few days ago.
I asked him how he felt, and he just said his legs ached, but he wanted to get cleaned up a bit. I suppose 2 weeks of sweating with a fever would make you feel pretty dirty. The thought of helping him made my actions a bit rash. And I pulled the sheet from his legs and began rubbing them trying to work out the stiffness. I helped him stand but his legs didn't hold him well. So I put my arm around his waist to help him walk. It felt good to have him back in my arms.
As he prepared to shower I did my best to find something else to look at in the room. But as I heard him mutter "Mhmm." I couldn't resist the temptation any longer. And my gaze lingered on his form. Then suddenly he turned his head and looked at me. I quickly turned away and cursed under my breath.
I heard him turn the water off and looked towards him again I saw that I wasn't the only one who had a personal problem. And I stifled a laugh as he quick grabbed a towel. He dressed and I helped him back to bed. I sat at the foot of his bed until he said he'd see me soon and drifted off to sleep.
Later that night I saw Brick watching me again. I felt sick to my stomach again and ran to the bathroom to lose my supper. I did my best to hide myself in a group of other boys the rest of the night, even though I wasn't welcome.
Two days later we heard a ruckus down the hall. One of the adults yelled at us to stay in the bunk room. I saw him rush to the sick ward and try to open the door. He ran back down the hall to get the Warden who broke the door down. I heard him tell someone to get a Dr. and the Police. I sunk to my knees trying not to cry. Silent tears ran down my face.
Cops took Brick from the Refuge in handcuffs, his hand dripping blood. 15 mins later I saw a Dr. and his aide carrying MY Doug out on a stretcher. They had towels pressed up against his head, and they were covered in blood. I pushed another boy out of the way so I could get closer to the stretcher as it passed. I reached out my hand to brush his and said, "Gráim thú."
I didn't eat again for days. I didn't deserve to live. Because I had avoided Brick the last few days he decided to use the person I loved instead, and had almost killed him.
Rumors spread around the Refuge the next few weeks, that somehow Doug had run away from the hospital.
That's when I decided that somehow, some way, I was going to escape this place and find him.
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