Chapter 49

Anakin was preoccupied during the midday meal, which did not go unnoticed by his wife. She knew that he was dreading his visit to the Jedi temple. He was more than dreading it, he was terrified at the thought of it. He'd been plagued by the nightmares about that night for more than a week, as his subconscious fear manifested itself night after night.

Padmé wasn't the only one who'd noticed Anakin's anxiety. Obi-Wan had sensed his best friend's growing sense of dread from the moment Anakin and his family had returned from looking at the house. He knew why Anakin was anxious, but really had no words of comfort to offer him. Returning to the temple would be exceedingly difficult for Anakin, but it was something that he could not avoid. The affects of his actions that night were still being felt across the galaxy. Sooner or later he would have to own up to what he did, sooner or later he would have to face the Jedi who'd managed to evade his slaughter.

"Well perhaps we ought to be on our way," Obi-Wan said as Threepio cleared the lunch dishes. He looked directly at Anakin. "It's time, Anakin."

Anakin glanced at his wife, and then looked back at Obi-Wan and nodded. "Yes, I know," he said quietly. He stood up and walked over to the bouncy chairs where Ani and Ami were happily kicking their legs. He smiled, marvelling at how fast they were growing. "I'll be back soon," he told them softly, and kissed the tips of each of their tiny noses. The twins didn't know what he was saying, but they could both sense, even at their tender age, their father's anxiety, and looked at his face with expressions of concern. Anakin didn't want to upset them, so he shielded his anxiety from them lest they start to cry.

"Bye Daddy," Luke said as he gave his father a hug next. Leia hugged him too, neither of them understanding why their father was so serious.

Padmé walked to the door with Anakin, taking his hand as they reached the elevator. Anakin didn't say anything to her, but simply held her close. Then he kissed her, slowly and deeply, as though trying to gain strength from her. He broke their kiss and held her face in his hands, his forehead pressed to hers. "I'll be back soon," he told her.

Padmé nodded, and then watched him and Obi-Wan leave, hoping that this would not destroy the man she loved all over again.

Obi-Wan flew the speeder to the temple. Anakin was silent as he prepared himself mentally for what he was about to face. Will they accept me? Or will they exact revenge? Revenge is not the Jedi way...but given what I've done, wouldn't they be justified? Anakin felt his anxiety skyrocket when he caught sight of the vast Jedi temple in the distance. Obi-Wan sensed it, and looked at Anakin.

"It will be very difficult for you," Obi-Wan commented, stating the obvious. "But there is no way around it, Anakin. Surely you know that."

Anakin nodded, not taking his eyes from the vastly nearing temple. "I know," he said. "I deserve whatever comes my way, Obi-Wan. I'm prepared."

Obi-Wan wasn't sure that he was.

The enormous staircase leading up to the temple had never looked so long, so daunting as it did as Anakin stood at the bottom of it.

"Come Anakin," Obi-Wan said. "I'll be with you every step."

Anakin was grateful for his friend's support, but had to wonder where Obi-Wan would stand if the rest of the small group of Jedi turned on Anakin. He took a deep breath and started up the staircase, trying desperately to stem the tide of memories from flooding his mind. But he couldn't, and the memories came at him fast and furious. Anakin clenched his fists as he agonized over each reminder of that dark night. He felt his resolve waver, and stopped for a moment. Obi-Wan stopped too and put a hand on Anakin's shoulder. He didn't say a word, but conveyed silently his support. Anakin regained his strength in a few moments, and continued on his way. The top of the staircase was in sight, and it was then that he saw that someone was standing at the top of the stairs, watching him. It was Ahsoka.

A thousand memories flashed through Anakin's mind as his eyes beheld his former padawan, most of them happy memories. But the last time he'd seen her had been anything but happy.

I was beginning to believe I knew who you were behind that mask, but it's impossible. My master could never be as vile as you.

Anakin Skywalker was weak. I destroyed him.

Then I will avenge his death.

Revenge is not the Jedi way.

I am no Jedi.

Ahsoka watched from above as Anakin slowly made his way up to her. She too was thinking of the last time she had seen him. No, it wasn't him that she had seen, it was the thing that he had become. For a brief moment she'd thought it was Anakin, but Vader had squashed her hope.

Anakin... I won't leave you. Not this time.

Then you will die.

She pushed the emotions down deep, not allowing them to sway her. And when Anakin stood before her, looking as he did so long ago, looking like her beloved Master and friend, she almost lost her composure. His small smile nearly undid her. But she stood firm and deadly serious.

"Hello Snips," Anakin said. "It's...it's wonderful to see you again."

Ashoka tilted her head to one side. "Is it?" she asked. "Last time we saw one another we tried to kill each other."

The trace of a smile faded from Anakin's face. This was not the same Ahsoka he'd known. This was a woman grown, hardened by life and his nefarious deeds. "That wasn't me," he said. "That was Vader. Vader is gone. I destroyed him."

Ahsoka nodded. "So I've heard," she said. "What do you hope to gain here today, Anakin? Forgiveness? Absolution?"

Anakin frowned and shook his head. "Neither," he replied. "I expect nothing. I'm here to face my past, nothing more."

"Face the past?" she said. "This place is full of ghosts of the Jedi you slaughtered," she said, her voice laced with acrimony. "What will you say to them? How will you explain your betrayal?"

Anakin sighed. "There is nothing I can say," he said. "There's nothing I can say, nothing I can do to explain. I can't erase the past, Ahsoka. But I want to, I need to face what I did. That's why I've come."

"The Jedi Order is being rebuilt," Obi-Wan said. "Anakin has helped that process, Ahsoka. He's made the galaxy a better place."

"The least he could do considering, don't you think?" she countered.

Obi-Wan said nothing in response. This was Anakin's battle, after all.

"Yes, it is the least I can do," Anakin said. "I will do whatever I must to atone for the past, Ahsoka. You know that. You know me...the man I was. I am that man again, can't you see that?"

"I can see that you've changed," she said. "I'd be blind not to. But I'm afraid to believe in you, Anakin. I'm afraid of losing you all over again."

For the first time Anakin saw a glimpse of the Ahsoka he'd known and it gave him a glimmer of hope. "You won't," he said. "I swear it."

Ahsoka smiled briefly. "Does that mean you're joining us, then?" she asked. "Does that mean you're going to help us rebuild the Order?"

Anakin looked at Obi-Wan, and then back at Ahsoka. "No, I will not be a Jedi again," he told her.

She frowned. "What do you mean, you won't be a Jedi again? You have to be a Jedi! You owe us that! After everything you did to us, you owe us! The Order was decimated by you! And now we number barely 30! You must join us, Anakin. You can't refuse. Not after all you've done. You don't have the right!"

Anakin didn't know what to say. She didn't understand. "You're right, Snips, I don't have any rights where the Jedi are concerned. I threw away those rights when I chose Palpatine over Master Windu. I have no right to carry a lightsaber, I have no right to wear the robes of a Jedi, and I have no right to be a Jedi. How can I be a Jedi? I am unworthy."

Ahsoka scowled, and looked at Obi-Wan. "Master Kenobi, what do you say to this?"

Obi-Wan sighed. "It is not an easy situation, Ahsoka. I see both points of view. But at the end of the day, we need Anakin." He turned to look at Anakin. "You see that, don't you? The future of the Order rests largely on your shoulders, Anakin. Your children are the future of the Order, and you need to be involved along with them. If you are looking for a way to atone, I can't think of a better way, can you?"

Anakin frowned, unhappy that Obi-Wan had turned the tables on him. Where had this come from? Surely Obi-Wan, of all people, understood how he felt?

"Doesn't seem like I'm being given any choice in the matter," Anakin said.

Obi-Wan put a hand on Anakin's shoulder. "There's always a choice, Anakin," he said. "Let's go inside," he suggested.

Anakin nodded, and then headed into the temple flanked by Obi-Wan and Ahsoka. As he entered the huge doors, he felt Ahsoka take his hand. He looked down at her, grateful for her support. Inside the temple all of the Jedi were assembled in the huge foyer, with Yoda standing in the front of them all. Anakin was taken aback for a moment, their appearance surprising him. He could not read any of the beings who stood before him, for they were regarding him with neutral expressions, their minds closed to him. He realized that they were waiting for him to speak. The trouble is, he had no idea what to say.

"Thank you for allowing me to come here today," Anakin began. "I feel honoured to be in this hallowed place, even though I don't deserve to be here."

Yoda stepped forward. "Come home, you have," he said. "The Chosen One, you are, Anakin."

Anakin looked down at the diminutive Jedi, his eyes filling with tears. "I'm not the Chosen One, Master Yoda," he said, his voice breaking. "I...I'm not worthy," he said. He dropped to his knees as his grief and guilt crushed him. "I'm here to beg you for forgiveness, that is all. I'm not worthy to be one of you, not anymore."

Obi-Wan felt torn between supporting his best friend and upholding the views of the Jedi council. He knew very well how Anakin felt about becoming a Jedi again, and yet he also knew that the Order needed him desperately.

"Stand up, Anakin," Yoda said, standing before him and taking his hand. "Much we have to talk about."

Anakin stood up, and looked down at the ancient Jedi Master who looked up at him with an unexpected measure of compassion in his eyes. He nodded, and, with Obi-Wan and Ahsoka at his sides, followed Yoda into the temple. The assembled Jedi stood aside to let them pass, and Anakin looked at each of them as he passed them. Some he recognized, some he did not. They regarded him with a mixture of awe and uncertainty, each of them hoping that the Chosen One had truly come home at last.

Yoda led them to the council chamber, and for a moment Anakin simply stood in the doorway. How many young padawans had he killed here? They were hiding, trying to escape the slaughter. But you didn't let them escape, did you? You murdered each and every one of them.

"Come in and sit," Obi-Wan said to Anakin.

Anakin looked at his friend and nodded. He looked around the vast round room, remembering vividly the first time he'd set foot in it as a nine year old boy:

Your thoughts dwell on your mother.

I miss her.

Afraid to lose her..I think.

What's that got to do with anything?

Everything. Fear is the path to the dark side... fear leads to anger... anger leads to hate.. hate leads to suffering.

I am not afraid!

A Jedi must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. I sense much fear in you.

I am not afraid.

Then continue, we will.

"Anakin?"

Anakin looked at Ahsoka, who was studying him closely. "Yes," he said, taking a seat. "Let's have that talk."