Hello darlings! Sorry I've been gone so long again, damn I'm so busy. The culprit is my friend Oliver, so blame him. A sales assistant in Topshop snapped at us yesterday… because he came into my changing room to check out my outfit… apparently that's not allowed. But we're both gay! :S

To the reviewer who signed themselves 'Impromptu Soloist'; honey, you absolutely made my day. Thank you SO much. I'll try and keep updating regularly I swear, it's so great to get that kind of feedback, words cannot describe. Thank you. *heart*

I don't own the Mortal Instruments or Pot Noodle.

Raphael's quarters at the Dumont were cold, not that he'd notice it, nor anyone who would step into the room that day, save one. Camille wasn't that one; she looked rather glacial herself, smooth ice-white skin against the pale blonde of her hair, and the proud, aloof expression fixed onto her features as though stapled there. Camille had turned cold centuries ago.

"Lady Belcourt."

"Santiago. It is a pleasure, I'm sure."

"What else?"

Raphael had been extremely surprised she wanted to have a civilised meeting, although he could hardly kill her in front of the clan she was technically the head of- it was still a very odd request. He approached the task with extreme wariness.

Waves of ice-cold disapproval roiled from her as she eyed his living room, scrutinising gaze not missing the note on his coffee table.

It was thick, yellowing parchment, heavy with the burned-sugar smell of magic and something darker, spicily sweet- when the scent had reached Camille's nostrils, its familiarity struck her with a jolt. Magnus Bane. There was no doubt at all. Leaning demurely forward, hair falling artfully about her face, she leant to pick it up with the air of someone who could do whatever they pleased. Sure enough, the parchment was lined with Magnus' elegant, spidery scrawl.

Santiago,
If you ever lay so much as a finger on Alexander Lightwood again- with or without his consent- I, personally, will castrate you. I assure you it will not at all be a pleasurable experience; I will probably use rusty scissors, or possibly an antique hare trap. Pliers if you beg really nicely.
Sincerely, High Warlock Bane.
P.S. I do not make hollow threats.
P.P.S. Poison against the Mark of Cain? Bitch, please.

"Ah, I see you have been tangling with Magnus Bane."

"Indeed." Raphael inclined his head stiffly "Though I fail to see what business that is of yours."

"Well, now." Camille's fangs glittered ominously in the vampiric candlelight, her face bleached the colour of sun-ripened bones. "Where is your hospitality? We are old friends now, after all."

Raphael's own fangs slid out at her words, at her audacity, at the feral glint of her gleaming green eyes. The twisted tree of hatred in his stomach burned, bitter. He was sick to death of her games.

"Puta sucia." He hissed, as though the words themselves could strike her. "We are not friends."

Camille's twinkling laugh dripped with false amusement, her eyes cold and bright and dangerous.

"Oh Raphael, must we do this the hard way?"

"Why have you come here?" A dribble of sweat beaded on his forehead, most unusual for a vampire: Raphael could feel an odd stirring in his gut, as though he was ill. But vampires did not get ill.

Unseen, the Seelie Queen lurked in a shadowy corner of the room, uncomfortable in the chilly space. However, her thin scarlet lips quirked in a ruthless smile as her magic curled its iron fingers around Raphael's heart.

"Gracious, are you feeling quite well?" Camille's air tried for concern, yet her true amusement shone through like sunlight through a sieve. "My my, you don't look overly hearty."

Raphael's body gasped for unnecessary air, more sweat trickling down his throat as a feeling like brands of fire tore at his chest. The pain was excruciating: unlike anything he'd ever known- smashing in his brains and paralysing every thought except make it stop make it stop make it stop.

"How- how are you d- what- stop it. Please, please."

Camille laughed.

Raphael slipped to the floor like a discarded dress, twitching as the faerie magic ripped apart his unbeating heart.

"Dios me perdone." His last words, 'God forgive me', rattled from his choking lips, and the spark faded from his black-coffee eyes.

Without their steely, age-old glint, in death Raphael was just a child. The slight, delicate body oddly still at Camille's feet as she eyed it with disdain, then suddenly lashed out with a booted foot, cracking bones as she caved in the already hollow chest like a rotting pumpkin. Using the corpse to wipe her dirty boots, she then strutted over to the Seelie Queen, the heat of revenge blazing in her eyes as the vampire crushed their lips together in a searing kiss that tasted of blood, death and satisfaction.

Alec was stretched out on a couch in the Institute's main living room, twirling an eerily green strand of pot noodle around his fork, staring at it incredulously.

"But…what do they do to it in the factory?"

Magnus laughed, running a hand along Alec's forearm and gazing at his eyes- fixed on the pot of congealed noodles- wide and crystal-light with innocent horror.

"I don't know, darling."

"But…it's so…it doesn't even taste like chicken! And it looks, well, frankly it looks disgusting! What's that gloopy stuff at the bottom?" He waved the garish plastic pot at Magnus, genuine concern on his pretty pale face, then reached down to plonk it on the floor. "Oh Angel, I'm not eating that."

Magnus' gaze slid over Alec's body as he bobbed back up, his lean muscles stretching deliciously. They were sat at opposite ends of the sofa, legs tangled together in the middle, Alec's stupidly long feet nudging at his thighs whenever either of them moved.

Magnus grabbed one and wiggled his big toe, peeking out from a hole in the threadbare grey sock, making Alec squirm, trying to pretend like he wasn't ticklish. The liar.

"You should eat it. It's good for you."

"No it isn't! I think pot noodles must be made from...carrier bags, bus tickets, and just a dash of battery acid, if I'm not mistaken."

Magnus leaned in and gently lifted Alec's chin, licking at the corner of his mouth to share the taste.

"It's true. But I love it. Pot noodle is the food of champions. I bet Usain Bolt loves it too."

Alec snorted, grinning, and Izzy shot a smouldering black glare in their direction, briefly distracted from the latest issue of Cosmo.

"You two are so coupley. Fine in small doses, but concentrated it's just sickening."

Magnus gave Alec's lips another lick just for Izzy, a retort blossoming on her tongue when a yell echoed down from upstairs. Jace. Isabelle looked confused, setting down her magazine and unfurling her legs, ready to dash up to help if there was a problem.

"By the Angel!" Jace's shouts could have woken the dead. "When I get my hands on-"

Alec turned, slowly, strands of black hair slinking over his pale neck, jagged shards of horror in his eyes like the splintered surface of a frozen lake.

Magnus, on the other hand, wasn't quite so worried. A torrent of laughter bubbled from his lips, reminiscent of the fizz from a can of coke, igniting a spark of suspicion in Izzy's mind.

"Alec. Magnus." Her eyes narrowed to wicked black slits. "Do you know what's wrong with him?"

"Haven't the foggiest," Magnus said breezily- too breezily. "He probably tripped over his ego on the stairs."

"ALEC LIGHTWOOD! MAGNUS BANE!" Jace's roars seemed to shake the walls as his footsteps pounded down the staircase, a stampede all on his own.

Alec's eyes darted around nervously, searching for an escape, and Izzy giggled, a delicate hand covering her mouth.

"You didn't. No way…Jace's bed?"

The door's hinges screamed in protest as it was thrown wildly open, an icy blast of air and a ferocious Jace charging into the room. Magnus fully appreciated in that moment just how formidable he would be in battle; golden eyes scorching a blazing rent through the air as his rage-heavy gaze found them, biceps straining under his t-shirt as huge clenched fists strangled at the air.

"What, in the name of Angel Raziel in all his heavenly glory, have you done to my room!"

No-one spoke.

Jace puffed out a lungful of hot breath, looking for all the world like a rampaging bull. "Bane," he spat, "You sparkly twat. I should have expected this from you. But Alec." Alec swallowed, wide, guilty blue eyes giving him the appearance of a baby deer trapped in the headlights of an oncoming truck. "That's so gross! We're supposed to be brothers, wasn't being in my room a huge turn off? No?"

A shrill ringing pierced the air. Phone. Isabelle rushed to answer it, as Jace carried on yelling at a shifty Alec and a still-cackling Magnus.

"Isabelle? I trust everything is going well?"

"Hi Mum. It's fine. Dad okay?"

"Yes, yes." Maryse said, a little too quickly. "What is that infernal racket? Jace?"

"Yeah, I'll tell him to shut up." She covered the receiver. "JACE! Mum's on the phone, keep it down!"

Jace shot an acidic glare at his parabatai and snatched the phone from Izzy.

"Hey Maryse. Sorry about that, I was just, um, having a chat with Alec."

"Oh Angel, I don't know what I'll do with him, first Magnus and now you, what's he done?"

Alec froze, and Jace twiddled the extension cord between his scarred golden fingers. He doubted Maryse would benefit from knowing the truth, as satisfying as it would be to tell her and see Alec's reaction.

"Oh, he used my toothbrush."

"Alexander, that is disgusting!" His adoptive mother's shrill voice rang out from the telephone, clearly meaning for Alec to hear if he was nearby. "Now Jace, is Magnus there? I would rather like to speak with him, please." A flicker of surprise flashed across Jace's face, like the snatched glimpse one might get of a bird swooping past their window- so sudden they aren't certain whether or not they have truly seen it.

"Yeah, sure, I'll pass him over. Magnus, she wants to speak to you."

Alec's mouth dropped open, but the warlock, to everyone's astonishment, didn't seem ruffled: instead he strutted over, deftly plucking the phone from Jace's fingertips, and patted the back of his silky hair.

"Hello, Magnus the Magnificent speaking," he purred, magically twirling the extension cord until it shaped the words 'Alec you're gorgeous'.

"Oh yes, yes, I'm fine now." He said, Maryse's side of the conversation no longer audible to the rest of the room's inhabitants. "I do apologise for waking you up. Yes, thank you ever so much for that. I hope my mascara didn't stain your suit, it was a rather fierce one."

Alec looked mournfully confused, thoughtful, although his expression rapidly switched to embarrassment as the extension cord spelled out 'Alexander, that sex was fantastic!' and then 'Bin the remains of Jace's sheets.'

Jace gritted his teeth, glaring daggers at Magnus' slender back.

"No, of course not! There was indeed more to it… no, Alec isn't like that at all. Yes, I was worried too. Mais oui, he has certainly redeemed himself." His tone, for once, wasn't at all suggestive- Maryse probably assumed he meant flowers or something, but Alec blushed regardless. "Of course. I'll tell him. Yes, Izzy too. Oh, I suppose him as well. Bonsoir!"

Magnus strode back to the shadowhunters, pulling Alec in for an affectionate kiss. "Your mother says she loves you, Alec, and that also applies to Izzy and even you, Wayland."

Isabelle smiled, and her stomach rumbled loudly.

"She really asked you how you were? Like, emotionally?"

"Yes," Magnus replied. "She was very nice. Especially after this morning. She heard crying coming from Alec's room, so she went in there only to find it was me, wearing only a pair of Alec's underwear and a scarlet feather boa. I imagine it must have been quite a shock." Alec slinked an arm around Magnus' waist, a barrage of conflicted emotions swirling in his blue eyes. "Now, Isabelle is hungry, and you must be too Alec, since pot noodles don't meet your approval. Wayland, I don't really know or care whether you are, but assuming Alexander can walk okay, we're going to get dinner. Adieu for now!"

HI I'm Zoe (yes the Zoe who has been mentioned so many times by China!) anyway she thought I best explain who I was just in cases anyone was confused or anything so here goes. I'm Zoe and I am Chinas parabatai because we are just that cool ;) and also her best friend and I'm not allowed to read the lemons because I'm too sweet and innocent and it will ruin my innocent mind (ok I'm just messing with you) the reason I'm not allowed to read this is because she thinks it will be really awkward although I know her mind better than she does so I can probably tell you what she's going to write but oh well we thought we would explain just in case anyone was interested x

(p.s. don't tell her I told you this but she really loves it when you review her she gets all giddy and excited its quite sweet not that she would appreciate being called "sweet")

So, that was Zoe! She wanted me to also tell you that she likes boys, because everyone assumes we're together.

I think she fancies me.

My chapter was kind of bad, wasn't it! It was sort of a filler, next chapter something big happens, if you're interested, so the story needed some down time. Let me know what you thought, always keen to improve!

And btw, 'puta sucia' was Raphael calling Camille something highly unsavoury, the naughty vampire. Sorry for the mile-long AN.

Love China. XxxX