Chapter Three: You Hold Me Without Touch
Back of the room
Looking at you
Counting the steps
Between us
A hundred and five
Little blades in a line
From your skin to mine
And I feel it
Eyes on the ground
But I can't look up now
Don't wanna give it away
My secret
In another life,
My teeth and tongue
Would speak aloud what until now
I've only sung
Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
The hospital was full of people and busy when Sam got there. He couldn't believe that Dean hadn't told Cas about his murmur. He actually wasn't supposed to be drinking so much, it was why Jo had been so worried about him lately. Sam totally saw why, Dean was acting insane. He hadn't slept with Castiel yet, right? Sam was hoping not. He didn't know, Dean hadn't exactly disclosed that to him when he'd been talking to him on the phone. He was on his way to the fucking ICU…. that couldn't be true, right? Dean was going to make it through this… he had to.
Turning the corner, he found Cas and Jo waiting for him. He wondered what he was going to say. He had called Ellen and John of course, and they were supposedly on the way. He could hardly feel anything, he was in shock. Dean was on autopilot for sure. When he got to Jo, he put his arms around her, hugging her close. He didn't know what he was going to say, he knew that she was worried too. They all were, it wasn't fair at all. He let out a deep breath. What was he supposed to do? Dean was his fucking brother. The only one he had. He took a deep breath, trying to formulate thoughts. He couldn't focus on anything. He wished that he could, he wished that he could take everything back that he had said to Dean on the phone. He…. Dean was going to be okay. Yeah, he had this heart murmur, but it wasn't serious…. Not if someone got to him in time with his epi pen. That had happened right? Cas had been there. This was going to be okay. It was. It had to be.
Jo looked up at him, not sure what she was going to say. She knew that Dean was being incredibly reckless lately. She hadn't wanted to tell Sam. It was too much for him to handle, she knew that. It was just…. Dean was his only brother. They had been so close. Dean had had to raise Sam for most of his life, John had had to work very hard in order to keep food on their table. Sam and Dean's mother had died when Sam was a baby, in childbirth. She hadn't even gotten to hold Sam. Jo tried not to think about this most of the time, it was incredibly depressing. She heaved a sigh, wishing that she could do something to make it better. She knew how much that Dean and Sam loved each other.
"Dean's gonna be okay, Sam." She promised him, looking up at him. It blew her away how tall he was. She and Sam had been together steadily for about four years, it was starting to feel pretty permanent. Jo was actually expecting him to propose any minute. She didn't want to pressure him, though, she wasn't that type of girl. So she hadn't, but she'd been waiting for the day it might come. Jo knew it was weird to some people, because John and Ellen had been dating for two years, and it was looking like it was pretty permanent for them too. Jo and Sam would be step siblings. However, that wasn't against anything. She just thought it was going to be a little awkward maybe when the time came that one of the couples got married.
She finally turned towards Cas, who was waiting over in the corner of the waiting room by himself. "Cas? Are you okay? What…. What happened?" Cas hadn't been too informative on the phone, he'd been hard to understand with his worry for Dean. Jo had only been able to make out the words 'Dean' and 'hospital'.
That was something that Cas was afraid to answer. Were they going to be mad at him? He couldn't handle that. He didn't know what he was going to say. It was hard for him to even form the words. He hadn't been the one to call John and Ellen, that had been Sam. He hadn't felt it was his place. He was trying to find his voice in order to answer the question that Jo had asked. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. How was he supposed to tell them that this happened because John had walked out on his own son? Cas was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but it was hard to do that.
He had been where Dean was, with the uncertainty that your family might not see you the same way that they had. Cas took a deep breath. "John walked in on Dean and I hanging out, spending time together….. And he figured out that there's more between us than just friendship." Cas said, wondering if Sam had told Jo about his conversation with Dean. It seemed a million years ago. Cas wasn't even sure what they were doing to Dean, but he was in the ICU. His boyfriend was in the ICU. Cas was glad that they hadn't slept together yet, Dean might have died. Cas couldn't believe that this was something he hadn't told Cas. And he was going around getting wasted and sleeping with people. Of course, he hadn't been doing that last one lately. Cas could feel the bile building up in his stomach. He did his best to keep his face impassive, he didn't want to discuss his feelings on this matter. He was also trying not to throw up, and he had nothing in his stomach anyway. He had thrown up before Sam and Jo had arrived.
"Dean and I are dating, and John appeared to have an issue with it. It sent Dean into the panic attack….. I guess that was when he needed the shot." Cas desperately wanted to ask Sam what was up with the shot, but he wasn't sure what Sam would divulge and what he wouldn't. Turning his blue eyes on Sam, he asked, "What is… how bad is the heart murmur? Is he…. If we have…. Is he going to?" Cas could barely get the words out, his heart was pounding out of his chest with fear.
That was a hard question for Sam to even answer, let alone have to answer to Dean's boyfriend. "He…. he was born with it. Most of the time he's okay, but other times, he's not. He…. he has to keep himself from getting too excited…. And too stressed out." The last time this had happened, Dean had just gotten out of a serious relationship with a woman named Lisa. Dean had been far too in love with her for Sam's tastes. Sam had been far too worried about him when he'd been with Lisa. He took his time before he said anything else.
"Dean almost died the last time something like this happened. He's of course on the list… but with the way he doesn't listen to his doctors, it really hurts him. He's going to end up…. End up…." Sam couldn't even say it. His voice had gotten very soft. Sam kept his arm tight around his girlfriend as he struggled to say what he had to say. "He…. he can't make it through another hard time like that was, Cas. He can't." Despite himself, his voice was sure. Sam didn't want to be, but he knew that he was. He swallowed hard before he spoke again.
"You're…. You're going to lose him this time."
Jo watched Cas get this news, and his knees buckled, and he actually fell to the ground. Jo wished that she could do something to change what Sam had said. Unfortunately, they'd all been his breakup with Lisa. "It's… it'll be okay, Cas. I promise." Jo tried, but she knew that he wasn't necessarily listening to that. Jo knelt with him on the floor, touching Cas' arm. She wanted to change this. She wanted to have magical powers that would help Cas not be so broken. Jo understood why he was terrified, and he hadn't even seen what it had been like the last time. She had been worried for Sam too, he had taken that harder than any of them had.
She didn't have any siblings, so she didn't know what that bond was like. Jo wished that she did. She supposed that she understood a little because she looked at Dean like a big brother. Jo just didn't know how anyone could be in Dean's life and not care about him. It was practically impossible. Jo didn't know what she was going to do. She didn't and couldn't know how to make this better. Jo rubbed Cas' back gently, trying to comfort him as best that she could. "I don't know what to do to help you. I'm sorry that I don't. I just…. I wish that I could change things and make it easier. Sam took this really hard last time, and I'm worried about both of you this time around."
It was obvious to anyone with eyes that Cas was in love with Dean. She could tell by how worried he was. Jo wondered if Dean felt the same way. She wondered if Dean and Cas had slept together. It wasn't something that you could ask delicately.
"Cas… what happened after you shot him with the pen?" Jo asked gently.
Cas turned to look out of the window then, his heart pounding and galloping out of his chest. That was honestly not something he wanted to tell her. It was too much to handle. Cas sniffled, and tried to keep his cool. It was too hard for him to talk about. He had been so worried about Dean that he'd hardly been able to keep from breaking down on the way to the hospital. Before he could tell Jo what had happened next, John and Ellen arrived.
As soon as he saw John, Cas saw red. He ran at him, his fists punching whatever of John he could reach. They all leaped into action, Jo and Ellen pulling at Cas and Sam trying to pull John out of Cas' reach. Cas snapped, "This is all your fault! You….. you don't know what it's like to feel wrong in your own body. To feel feelings for someone that the world has deemed inappropriate for you! To have to walk down the street and not be able to hold hands with the one that you love because you're afraid of what might happen!" Cas gasped in anger, and Ellen and Jo successfully managed to get him away from John. He stopped fighting them, so they could relax.
"All he wanted from you was acceptance! And you couldn't even give him that! Why couldn't you just see that Dean is trying to figure things out just like everyone else?" Cas asked, his voice breathless with his rage.
Tears brimmed in John's eyes as he looked back at Castiel. "Your name is Castiel, right?" When Cas nodded, John tried to catch his breath. "Look, as soon as I walked out, I regretted it. I want Dean to be able to tell me anything. I'm…. our generation didn't talk about being gay. I always raised Dean to be who he is no matter what, but that doesn't mean that I expected him to come out. I expected Dean to be…. Like everyone else. Not that being gay or bisexual is abnormal…. I just, I expected him to be someone who settled down, got married…. Had kids. " John knew that he could do all of that with Castiel, but it was so much harder when you were in a same sex relationship. It made things so much more complicated.
"And for the record, I don't think it's something that can be chosen. If Dean is bisexual, I know that he was born that way. I know that. It's just… it was a shock to hear it like that. I wasn't prepared. He didn't know how to explain what he was thinking. John wished that he could change the reaction he'd had. "It's hard to explain when you don't have kids. I just., I knew that with this, Dean's life was going to be so much more complicated. And he's my son. I don't want his life to be that way. It's just… it's hard for me to get the right words out. You have a right to be angry, and so does Dean. I wish that I could turn back the clock and react differently."
Sam understood what his father was saying, even if Castiel didn't. "Dad, I know that you didn't mean to hurt Dean. But what matters now is that he gets better. We have to get along for him. He wanted us all to get along. He wanted us to be a family. He told me that he wanted us to go out to dinner, all of us." Sam wished that he could find better words to express himself. He just hoped that these would be the ones that would help his father to understand. He had been afraid that this would happen. He honestly didn't know how they were going to survive this. Especially with Dean being in the coma or surgery or wherever it was. He hadn't really been able to focus on that part when Cas had left the message.
This is when a doctor stepped up to the group. Castiel recognized him from when he'd first arrived at the hospital. "Are you Dean Winchester's family?" The doctor asked, looking at each of them in turn. When there was nods, he said, "I hate to tell you this, but Dean is going to need a new heart as soon as possible. We got his heart going again, and we've got him on an LVAD. It helps his heart beat. He actually can't leave the hospital for a few days. We want to monitor him and make sure that his heart adjusts to being on the LVAD. Lucky for him., he's sicker so he got moved up on the list." At his he paused, and they all looked at him with eyebrows raised. "He's number three on the list right now."
With another pause, he said, "He's asleep right now, and might be for awhile, sleeping off the anesthesia, but you can go and see him two at a time."
It was decided that Cas would go alone first, and he shot Sam a grateful look as he went to follow the doctor to Dean's room. Cas could hardly believe that Dean had done this. Had kept something like this from him. It wasn't like it was a list of his past sexual partners…. This was something that was life threatening, literally. Cas reached the door and stood there for a moment before he finally went in. He hated to see Dean like this. Dean was larger than life, especially his personality. It was hard for him to see Dean like this. He looked so fragile and small laying there.
He went in, and sat by the bed, looking at Dean laying there so quietly and peacefully. It scared the hell out of Cas. He didn't know if Dean was going to wake up and it was scaring him. Cas sighed as he sat and took Dean's hand. His thumb stroked the back idly, wishing that he could do something more than just sit by his bedside. Cas worked as a writer, and he suddenly wished that he'd taken medical courses in school so that he would be helpful right now. All he could do was feel helpless and hold Dean's hand.
As he sat there looking at him, wishing he could change things, to his surprise, Dean's eyes fluttered. Cas squeezed Dean's hand. "Dean? Are you waking up?" Cas decided right now wasn't the time to talk to him, about the dishonesty that Dean had put into motion. Cas felt it was more important that they spend the time together that they should while they should. Was he being too paranoid? He thought maybe, he wanted Dean to wake up from this. He supposed that he was going to have to learn to learn how to help Dean with whatever he needed to do. Cas honestly wanted to see the LVAD, but he knew that he couldn't just ask to see it. It was as rude as calling someone a named like fag or nigger. He didn't ask about it, just held Dean's hand while he waited for him to speak.
That was when Dean's green eyes opened part of the way. He squinted a bit in the harsh light. He wasn't sure where he was, and then he focused on the room. He was in the hospital. "Oh… not surprised." Dean said, his voice gravelly. He looked at Cas, who was, to his credit, sitting there calmly and holding Dean's hand. Dean knew he was going to have to explain some things, and he wasn't sure that he was really up for that. He knew that Cas was going to want an explanation. He racked his brain, trying to remember what had happened before he woke up here.
That's when it hit him, he'd told John that he was dating Cas, and then what happened after. Dean didn't know what to say. He couldn't believe that John had just walked out. Dean let out a sigh. "I suppose you have a lot of questions you'd like it ask." He said, wishing that he could make things easier for Cas. He hadn't expected something like this to happen, and he was sorry that it had. He squeezed Cas' hand. "I know that I should have told you about my heart. But every time someone knows, they treat me differently. You were treating me normally and I really liked that. Everyone treats me like I'm glass and I'm going to break."
It was true, and he didn't know how to explain that to Cas, how much that hurt. He didn't want to be that guy, the one that everyone felt sorry for. "I don't like being the guy that everyone feels sorry for."
That made sense when Cas heard it out loud. He didn't know what he would do if it was him. He supposed that he understood that. "I think I understand that. I'm…. and we've only been together for two weeks… but this is a big thing, Dean. A big thing to keep secret. I mean, you could have died or had a an attack or something when I was with you and I didn't know. I wouldn't have known what to do. You should have told me. I don't want that to ever happen again, not knowing what to do. I was worried about you, and it killed me to see you that way."
Cas didn't know what else to say. He knew he should tell Dean what the doctor said. He knew Dean was going to hate having to be on the LVAD. He didn't know what he was going to say. Cas heaved a sigh himself. "Dean, the doctor says…. That you have to stay in the hospital for a few days. You're on a machine called an LVAD, it helps your heart beat." Cas hated being the one who told Dean what was going on. He saw the look in Dean's eyes, and he hated it. Cas had to take a second before he said the next bit.
"He said that you have to have a new heart, Dean."
That was not something that Dean was surprised about, honestly. He had known that he would need a new heart somewhere down the line. He just wondered why it was now. Dean sighed. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. I really am. But I was just enjoying not being the one who was sick for once." Dean finally registered what else Cas had said. His heart fell. "I can't…. I can't believe that I have to stay here…." He said, groaning. He hated the hospital. He hadn't had to be in one since he'd been with Lisa. He remembered how awful it had been then. He hated feeling like a sick person, and he knew that he was. It just felt like the worst feeling he had ever felt. He wanted to be well.
"What I'm not surprised about is that I have to have a new heart. I always thought that I would have to at some point. What I never thought was that I would have to have an LVAD and stay in the hospital before that happened." Dean sighed. "What I also never thought that was my dad would be the thing to push me into this." Dean didn't know if his dad was even here, he had to be…. He wouldn't just not be here, right? Dean looked at Cas. "Is my family here?" He asked, he knew that Sam and Jo would be, and Ellen most likely. He was just unsure if his father would be there. He hated that feeling, of not being able to count on John. He had always been able to count on John for everything.
"I can't believe that I have to worry about him not being here….." Dean said, not even sure that he'd said it loud enough for Cas to hear.
Cas squeezed Dean's hand. "For the record, he is here. We got into a fight…. But he's here." He said. "Also, to be fair, he says that he knew that he was wrong." Cas didn't know what he was going to say, but he was glad that he was able to tell Dean that John was there. He felt glad for that, because Dean's face actually lit up. Cas felt glad that he'd been able to make Dean happy like that. He leaned out and kissed him. "I'm going to go so that Sam and Jo can come back and talk to you too." He said, he hated to leave but he knew he could come back later.
"And then John and Ellen can come in. There's only two allowed at a time. I will come back later when everyone's had a turn." He said, wishing that he could stay the whole time. Cas kissed him once more, glad that he could be here for Dean. Dean wasn't going to be alone in this. "I love you though." He said, that caused Dean to smile again, and he felt good again. Cas loved that he was making Dean smile even during this terrible time. He was glad that he was able to do this.
Dean watched as Cas walked back out to the waiting room, and it wasn't long before Sam and Jo had come in. Dean accepted a hug from Jo, and then one from Sam. They had never been uncomfortable hugging. Dean hated that he was here. Dean watched as Jo sat down and Sam stood nervously behind her. He wondered what Sam was thinking. He didn't want to ask him though. In case it was something that neither of them were prepared to deal with.
He turned to Jo. "I'm gonna be okay, Jo. I know that I will. They'll get me a new heart… I mean, I knew it was coming eventually." He wished that he could do something about this. He knew that he couldn't. He didn't feel right about any of it, and he didn't like not having control. He was used to it, having this heart condition, but that didn't mean that he liked it. Dean didn't like how worried Jo looked. He wondered now if this was why she had looked so worried about him lately. He had been doing a lot of stuff that he wasn't supposed to. Dean had been wondering if that was why Jo had been so weird around him.
"Have you been worried about me lately because I'm doing stuff I'm not supposed to?" Dean asked her, she was avoiding looking at him.
Jo didn't know how to tell him that that was the problem. She finally looked him in the eye. She brushed her hand through her long blonde hair. She nodded. "I've been really worried about you lately Dean because you keep doing things like getting drunk and sleeping with people you shouldn't sleep with. You have a heart condition, Dean, you can't just get blackout drunk all the time. Look where that landed you. I mean, part of it is the shock of what John said, and honestly, I don't blame you, but you wouldn't have gotten that upset if you hadn't been doing things you shouldn't have been."
She felt bad for telling him that, but she was glad that she'd gotten it off her mind. Jo knew that Dean and Sam were used to people shooting it straight to them. She didn't feel super bad but she did feel a little guilty. Jo looked at him. "You are gonna be fine, Dean. I know it. I just… you have to do what your doctor tells you." Jo really didn't want anything to happen to Dean. It's why she was so worried about him. "You have an entire family that loves you, and now you have Cas. I know that he loves you, I can tell. You can't leave him. You finally found someone, Dean." She knew that they were meant to be together. She could tell.
Dean knew that she was right, but it didn't make it sound any better. He sighed. "I know that you're right." He finally said, letting out another sigh. He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to be here for days, and he knew that's what was going to happen. He wanted to be home with Cas, and that was all he wanted. He knew that he was going to have to behave himself. Instead of keeping on that subject, he looked at her and said, "How far on the list am I for a new heart?" He asked.
That was the thing he wanted to know the most, and he hoped that she would tell him the truth. He didn't want to know if it was a bad number, but he knew that there were some things you just had to know. Dean brushed his hand across his chin, he had a bit of a five o'clock shadow. He needed to shave. But he knew that Cas liked him a bit unshaven. He had started to learn what Cas liked and what he didn't. Dean didn't know how it was possible to get happier than he was. Even with all of this stuff that was going on. Because he knew that he still had Cas. He could make it through this if he had Cas.
Jo shared a look with Sam before she looked back at Dean. "You're third on the list, Dean, the doctor says it's because you're worse than you were." Dean didn't want to hear that, she was sure. But she had to tell him. She didn't like that he was so sick, but she was glad that it meant that he might get a heart faster and he really needed one. She didn't like the look on his face when she said that. "I'm sorry that I had to be the one to tell you." She hated to make him upset, but he had asked. And it was probably better that he knew. She didn't know that he could get better if he didn't know what the real stakes were.
"You won't have to stay here forever, Dean. I know that you will get to leave here and eventually they'll find you a heart." Jo didn't know how he could deal with all of this. And Cas was so great, he was willing to stick by Dean and they had only been dating for two weeks. She couldn't imagine that Dean could do any better than that. Jo didn't know that she was ever gonna think that anyone else was good enough for Dean. Jo touched his arm. "And Cas loves you so much. I have never seen someone take on John like he did. He went to bat for you. He's going to keep doing that, I would bet money."
Speaking of John, he knocked on the door. He was alone, he'd left Ellen back in the waiting room with Cas. He didn't know if it was a good idea, but he wanted to talk to Dean. "Guys, can I have a minute with Dean?" He asked, and Jo and Sam shuffled out. John wasn't the kind of man you said no to. He went in as they left, and he sat down in the chair next to Dean's bed. He didn't know what he was going to say, but he wanted to apologize for the way he'd been acting.
"Dean, I want to apologize. I know that this is my fault…. I know that I caused this. I don't want to make things worse. I really don't. I just… I want to tell you that I accept you for who you are. If that includes being with Castiel, then that's what that includes." John didn't know how he could have been the way he was. He had always raised his kids to be who they were regardless of who didn't or did like it. "Please forgive me. I am going to be here for you through this. I know that I wasn't exactly the best father in the world, but I have always tried to love you kids as much as I can."
Dean fingered the blanket he was laying under. "Dad, I know that you didn't mean what you said. I know that you wanted more for me than Cas. I get all of that. I really do. However, what you said… I'm hurt. I know that you don't know what it's like to fall for someone that's the same gender as you are. It's never happened to me before, but I wouldn't change this. I know that Cas is the one for me. I know it's crazy, we've been together less than a month. However, sometimes, you just know. I need to know that you're not just saying this because you're afraid of losing me."
It was just how he felt. He didn't want to let John off the hook too easily. He wasn't blaming John at all for this, he really wasn't. Jo was probably right, it was most likely his own fault for not doing what he was supposed to do. He didn't want to make his dad feel like shit. He just wanted to get his father to understand that this wasn't just a phase. "Me being with Cas isn't a phase. It's permanent. He's not going anywhere. I just need to know that you know that. If that's okay with you, then we're all good." Dean knew that his dad didn't want to hear that, most likely, but he knew that he understood his dad's motivations. It must be hard to have your kid that you had dreams for just change everything on a dime.
"I may not know what you feel from experience but I understand why you said what you said."
John gave him a half smile. "I know that it's permanent. I think that's what scared me so much. And I know that kid loves you, you ought to have heard what he said to me when Ellen and I got here. You are gonna be in good hands, Dean. You are gonna be well taken care of with all of this. Cas is ready to take it on, and you. He's been with you all of two weeks, and he's going to stick by you. I am proud of you. You are going to be fine. I've been worried about you for awhile now, I was afraid you wouldn't find someone great like Sam did. But you are an amazing person, and Cas knows it. This proved to me that you're going to be fine. It's nice to not have to worry about that anymore."
It felt good to get all of that off his chest. He touched Dean's shoulder. "You're an amazing kid, Dean, and I am very proud of you. I am not happy that you got yourself here, Jo told me what you've been doing…. But I understand why you've been so upset. You're going to do what you're supposed to do, and I know that Cas is going to make sure that you do."
Dean felt better. This may not have worked out the way he wanted it to, but this was going to be okay. He didn't know how, but it was. He nodded, nothing else needed to be said at the moment, they were good. Dean felt much better about the whole thing. It was going to be okay, he was sure of it. Just had to be patient.
You can make me wait forever
Push me away and tell me never
I don't mind, no I don't mind it
I would come back a 1000 times
Hey hey
Kiss me goodnight
Like a good friend might
I'll do the same
But won't mean it
Cause love is a cage
These words on the page
Carry the pain
They don't free it
In another life
I wouldn't need to
Console myself
As I resign to release you
Cause I would die to make you mine
Bleed me dry each and every time
I don't mind no I don't mind it
I would come back 1000 times
Author's note: So, I hope you liked! This fic keeps coming out so quickly. I'm not sure what will happen next, but I do know that angst is what I do best, so there will definitely be some more. However, Destiel is together and I do not plan on them breaking up. I am also toying with Jo being pregnant, ya'll let me know what you think of that. Anyway, review if you like, and I will be back with more soon, I am hoping!