Chapter Seven: I Will Fight Your Fight
A couple of weeks later, and it was that much closer to Christmas. Dean was still asleep, he'd had to take his meds and they knocked him out. So Cas was in the kitchen with Frankie and Jo baking Christmas cookies. Cas was getting out the cookie cutters, he enjoyed them, and he knew that Frankie would. She was standing on her stool by the table, mixing up the dough with Jo. Frankie was pleased to be hanging out with Jo, she loved Jo.
"Auntie Jo, I want to make snowmen." Frankie told her, she was reaching for some of the dough to spread out to put the cookie cutter over it. Cas watched her, she was happy, her cheeks flushed from the excitement. Cas wondered if he should go wake up Dean, he knew that Dean would want to be awake for this, but he wasn't sure that he should, Dean hadn't been sleeping well lately and Cas didn't want to wake him if he didn't have to. He moved to put the cookie cutters on the table.
"Do you think I should go wake up Dean?" Cas asked Jo, handing Frankie the snowman cookie cutter. He knew it was her favorite.
Jo looked at Cas as Frankie eagerly started cutting out snowmen. "You could, I know that he doesn't want to miss this, but he hasn't been sleeping. I think you should let him sleep." She said, nodding. Jo didn't want to be the one to wake Dean anyway, he could be a bit of a bear when he was awakened. She'd found out once the hard way. Jo had pulled her long blonde hair back into a ponytail. Jo didn't know when things between Sam and John were going to get better. He'd happened to find out from his commanding officer, who had heard from the commanding officer at the precinct Sam had been taken to. It had been pretty tense with the two of them since then. Jo didn't know what was going to work to make them start talking again.
Cas looked back at her. "Thinking about John and Sam?" He asked. Jo sighed.
"How did you guess? It's just…. I'm worried that they're never going to work things out. John says that he's so mad that Sam was the one to start the fight, even if he gets why he did." Jo said. She wanted to confide in Cas about what was going on but she wasn't sure if she wanted to at the same time. She hadn't gotten permission from Sam to tell people yet. Of course, Dean knew, but that was Dean. Sam couldn't object too much though, right? Cas was family. Jo really wanted them to work things out, she was wanting to tell the whole family about the baby. She thought that might help them bridge the gap.
"Cas? Can I tell you something?" Jo asked, as she watched Frankie using the snowman cookie cutter. She was glad that Frankie was having such a good time. Jo loved making cookies. She couldn't wait for them to have their Christmas together. Jo loved Christmas, and now they had Frankie and Cas in their family. Dean had never had someone join them for Christmas before, and now he had a husband. When Cas gave her a nod, Jo let out a nervous breath and then it came tumbling out.
"I'm pregnant, and I really want to tell the rest of the family."
Cas gasped, and hugged her tight. "I'm so happy for you, Jo!" He said, and Frankie looked at them curiously. "Your Auntie Jo is going to have a baby. You're going to be a cousin." He told her, and she reached to hug Jo around the waist. Cas was glad that she had chosen to tell him about the baby. Cas went to get out some icing for the cookies. "I am glad that you chose to tell me. Why are you keeping it a secret? Does Dean know?" Cas didn't even ask if Sam knew, because she was sure that he did. Cas wondered what John was going to say. He had taken to Frankie pretty well, but that wasn't a guarantee that he was ready for this.
Jo said, "Dean does know. Sam was nervous that we shouldn't say anything in case something happens. All the books say don't say anything till the third month." Jo didn't know what she was going to do if something did happen. But she wanted to tell the good news. "I want to tell them about the baby though. Especially with John and Sam fighting." Jo didn't think that it would be a bad idea to tell them. Especially right now.
"I think that it could help." Jo said, brushing some of the icing on the cookies. Frankie was eagerly reaching for the sprinkles. She loved sprinkles. Jo was sure that she was about to go overboard with them. Jo was sure that it would be cute though, Frankie had some artistic talent. It was adorable. She wondered if she would want to turn it into a career. Dean bought her at least three boxes of 24 count crayons in as many weeks. She drew all the time.
"You might be right." Cas agreed, wondering if he should go and wake up Dean again for the fifth time. He wasn't sure that it was a good idea but he thought that he shouldn't be missing it. He was saved from going to do it though by the ringing of the doorbell. Cas wondered who that was and went to get it. He peeked through the keyhole. It was Lucy, Frankie's aunt. "Hi, Lucy. Come in." Cas said, stepping back for her.
Lucy was a bit of a wild card. She was bisexual, so they didn't have to worry about her having a problem with them raising Frankie, but they weren't sure that she still wasn't going to try and sue for custody. Cas was sure that they were fine, but Dean was worried. Although Cas was sure that it was going to be fine, because Dean could sue for Charlie never having told him about Frankie. Cas knew that they also had the upper hand because of Dean being Frankie's biological father.
"What are you doing here? Not that we aren't glad to have you." Cas said, leading her to the kitchen. Cas was glad she was here, actually, she could see how well Frankie was being taken care of. So far everything had gone smoothly, but that didn't mean that they couldn't make sure that Lucy saw things were okay.
Lucy was here to see how things were going. She wasn't going to try and take Frankie away though. A part of her wanted to, but she knew that Dean not being in Frankie's life till now wasn't his fault. She was a bit upset that Charlie had chosen to tell him though. Lucy had thought that she would get Frankie if something happened to her sister. Lucy also didn't want to take Frankie from them when she clearly wanted to be there. Lucy tucked some of her long black hair behind her ear. She glanced around the kitchen. It looked like they were having a lot of fun decorating cookies.
She glanced at Jo, they'd really only met once. She wasn't sure what she thought of the other woman. She was younger than Sam, she knew that. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. Lucy gave Frankie a smile as she said, "I'm just here to visit. I also thought we could have dinner together, I make a mean pot roast." She looked at the cookie that her niece was currently decorating. It was covered in red icing and sprinkles. That looked like a Frankie cookie alright.
"Are you having fun making cookies?" She asked Frankie, wondering if she was going to say she was. Although it clearly looked like she was.
Jo shared a look with Cas. She wanted to ask if that was why Lucy was really here, but she didn't think that that was a good idea. Jo was definitely distrustful of Lucy. She didn't believe that Lucy was fine with Dean and Cas raising Frankie. She knew she had to work on her being paranoid all the time, but she thought she might have gotten it from hanging out with Dean. Dean could be very paranoid if he wasn't careful. "Hello Lucy." Jo said, trying to keep malice out of her tone. If Lucy really was going to be trying to take away Frankie, she didn't want to let her know that Jo was on to her.
Wow, she really did need to work on being paranoid. Jo shared another look with Cas. "Actually, that might be nice. Cas has been cooking all week, I am sure that he's wanting a break." Jo said, and before she could go give in to the urge to wake up Dean, he came stumbling into the kitchen. Jo watched him go to grab a cup of coffee from the coffee pot. Cas was a caffeine addict, and he always had some coffee going. Although he was a Brit, so he did do the tea thing on occasion, too. Jo loved that about him. It was so cute.
Dean was wearing just a pair of Cas' Columbia sweatpants and a ratty tank top, he was a hot sleeper. He was instantly aware of someone new in the kitchen, and turned to look at Lucy Tucker. "Um, hey, Lucy." He said, instantly wary. He didn't trust her. Dean knew that it was crazy, she was probably not after taking his daughter from them, but he couldn't shake the nervous feeling. Dean had always been paranoid, none of them had ever really known why. Dean hadn't ever been able to put his finger on it either.
"I don't mean to be rude, but what are you doing here?" He asked, he wasn't one to shy away from asking the question that no one else would ask because it wasn't polite. Dean wasn't one to worry about being tactful. At least, not all of the time. "It's just, we weren't expecting you." And what he was thinking but didn't say was who just dropped in on people anymore? That was a thing of the past. Dean did his best to ignore the look his husband was giving him. They had had many talks about this, Cas was of the mind that they shouldn't act rude towards Lucy without a reason, not give her a reason to want revenge. Dean was of the mind that they shouldn't let her think she could just pull the wool over their eyes.
"Relax, Dean, I'm not here to be a bitch." Lucy said. She knew that Dean didn't trust her. She wasn't entirely sure she trusted him either. She wanted to, but she knew that he was waiting for her to try and take Frankie away. It wasn't as if she would. Although if she had a reason, she would try. So far she could tell that Frankie was being well cared for and she was happy. That was the important thing. Lucy didn't want to take Frankie from here unless there was a good reason. Right now there wasn't.
"I just thought I'd cook for ya'll. I know that you're sick right now and I just want to help, honestly." Lucy said, it was true. She didn't want to cause trouble. "I just thought Cas might like a night off of cooking." She set down the bags of groceries she'd brought with her. "I was going to make pot roast, mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn casserole." She knew it was Frankie's favorite. She loved to make it for her. "I promise, Dean, that's all. Plus, I was a bit lonely, I wanted to see Frankie. I had this date with this girl and it fell through."
Lucy was bisexual, but she leaned more towards women. She just wasn't that into guys, but she called herself bisexual because one never knew, and she did enjoy sex with men on occasion. It just didn't happen that often.
Dean sat down at the table, looking at all of the cookie happenings around him. Cas was putting a tray of snowmen and Santas in the oven. Dean caught sight of his little girl as she was grabbing more sprinkles to put on a green iced tree cookie. He was blown away by how much he loved her. She was a beautiful little girl. She didn't have his eyes color, but his hair was just as brown as Charlie's, and she had his nose. Dean couldn't imagine his life without her. Dean had always wanted to have kids, but he had never thought that he actually would. Dean had never really found anyone that he would have wanted to have them with, until Cas.
He turned to look back at Lucy. "Okay, if that's why you're here, I think it'd be good for Frankie." He said, he wanted to show Frankie family unity. So if that meant being nice to Lucy, he would do it. Dean didn't mind making Frankie happy. He wondered if this Christmas was going to be his last one, and all of a sudden, tears brushed his eyes. Dean was quiet, as he swallowed past the lump in his throat. He didn't want to bring things down, and he felt that if he said anything more right now, he would. He was quiet, but he caught Cas staring at him. Dean gave him a shrug, tears still shining in his eyes.
Cas noticed that his husband had suddenly gotten quiet, and he grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the kitchen. Cas noticed his chin trembling, and he wiped some tears off Dean's cheeks with his thumb. "What's wrong, baby?" He asked, looking Dean head on in the eye. He didn't want him to look away, and try not to tell him. Dean had a habit of trying to get away with that. Cas didn't want him to do that this time.
"You know you can tell me anything." He said, looking Dean in the eyes. He hated that Dean was crying. They'd been doing the dance of not talking about the health issues, and Cas had a suspicion that this had something to do with that. Cas didn't want that to be it, they had to be positive about it, but he knew that it was going to happen sooner or later that Dean was going to give in to the dark thoughts that must be swirling around his head on a daily basis. Cas reached down and took Dean's hands, holding them tightly. "I love you, Dean. I want you to tell me. I know you like to keep things inside, but that's not the best idea."
Dean couldn't even form words, he didn't know how to tell Cas what he was feeling. He didn't want to voice it out loud if he didn't have to. He would be lending to the idea that this might be his last Christmas. He didn't want to think about that. It was too hard. Dean kept his eyes from Cas' stubbornly, there was the soft rumble of Jo's voice in the kitchen, and Dean wondered what she was saying. Dean tried to keep his composure, but it was crumbling.
His voice was rough as he finally spoke. "Cas…. I know we're trying to do the positive thing…. But what if this is my last Christmas? I know I don't deserve more…. I haven't ever listened to my doctor about what I should and shouldn't do….. But I have a daughter. She deserves to have me around for a long time. She's already losing her mom… How could God do this? How could both of my daughter's parents have something terminal wrong with them?" Dean's voice was breaking, and tears were dripping off his chin. This scared him to death, and he wasn't scared like this all the time usually. Not till he met Cas and they'd begun dating.
His heart defect finally had started to feel real. It finally started to feel like he really might leave this world at any minute. He knew that he was going to have to take it easy till he got a new heart, and even then Dean wasn't sure that he was ever going to feel right doing the things he'd always done, he'd be damaging the new heart too, needlessly. "I can't… I can't stand that I might be doing this to her. She doesn't deserve this. I do, but she doesn't."
Hearing Dean say that he thought he deserved what had happened to him broke Cas' heart. "Dean….." He said, he hated that Dean had such a low opinion of himself. "Dean, you are a good person. You don't deserve this. You don't. I don't know why you think so low of yourself. If I could change that, I would. I can't make you think better of yourself." Cas had to stop a moment, his throat was filling with a lump. This was affecting him as much as it was Dean. Cas didn't know what he was going to do about this. He didn't like thinking that Dean wasn't going to beat this.
He was third on the list for a new heart, Cas had to be optimistic. If he wasn't he would just flip out, and he knew that's not what Dean would be able to handle. Cas didn't want him to feel that he didn't have a fighting chance. Cas couldn't handle it if Dean gave up. He didn't want to be so positive that he wasn't realistic, though, he was trying to find a middle ground. He knew that Dean wasn't going to give up now, though, not with Frankie in his life. "You aren't going to leave Frankie. You're going to make it through this, I know you are. You're much closer to the top of the list, you're trying to follow what the doctor says to do, you're going to make it. I can't believe that God would bring us together just to have you…." Cas paused, and he knew that Dean didn't need him to finish that sentence.
Dean brushed his hand across his scruffy chin. He needed to shave. He had a few days' stubble. He loved that Cas was so positive. "I can't believe in God, Cas. I… if Mom hadn't died, maybe I would be able to." Dean didn't know that he could ever believe in anything that wasn't tangible. He couldn't have blind faith, not like Cas did. Dean wished he could. It was just something that he'd never been able to believe in. He loved that Cas did though, it was adorable. It was one of the reasons he loved him so much.
He was pacing, he just couldn't keep still. He was so upset. Dean couldn't keep the tears from pooling in his eyes, and he knew he had to calm down. He didn't want to get all agitated. He wasn't supposed to if he could help it. Dean could feel himself starting to panic, which was new. He'd never been one to have panic attacks. Sam had used to get them when he was little, but Dean had never been one to be that kind of person. Dean knew it was bad to get one now, he reached out and grabbed at Cas, clutching at his shirt.
"I can't…. I think I'm having a panic attack." He managed to get out, before he had trouble breathing.
Cas immediately put his arms around Dean, and when Dean's knees wobbled, they went to the floor together. He held Dean close. "Just breathe, babe." Cas said, stroking Dean's back in concentric circles, trying to help him get calm. Castiel didn't have any personal experience with this, but he knew that the main thing was to get Dean to calm down. It could affect your heart, and Dean was supposed to be as calm as possible. Cas whispered in his ear. "It's gonna be okay, Dean. Take deep breaths."
He couldn't even begin to imagine what Dean must be going through. It had to be awful to know that your heart could give out at any moment. Cas knew that they were going to make it through this, they had to. Cas wasn't even going to let himself think they weren't going to make it. Cas kept his arms tight around Dean, trying to help him as best he could. He could feel Dean's heart pounding through his chest, and Cas knew that he was going to have to calm down. "Come on, Dean, honey, you need to calm down. Your heart is getting too excited."
There was a small noise, and Cas looked up to see Jo looking at them. "What's wrong, Jo?" Cas asked, Dean's head was buried in his neck, and he was still not calmed down enough.
Jo wondered what was going on. "Frankie's worried, she sent me to see what's going on." Jo said, wishing she could do something to help. She knew that Dean was freaking out, and she didn't know what she was going to do to help. Jo knew that he was thinking he wasn't going to make it. Jo hated that Dean was going through this. She was grateful that he was trying to follow his doctor's orders now though. It was good that he was at least trying to behave. "I can tell her everything's fine, if you want." Jo didn't want Frankie to be scared. They hadn't told her yet that Dean was sick. All they'd told her was that he had to be careful with his heart. Jo knew that it was going to be hard for Dean to tell her that she might lose him.
Jo knelt so she could touch Dean's back. "I'm worried about you, Dean. You're doing really good with keeping up with your doctor's orders, but you aren't talking enough about your feelings. You need to let them out sometimes. It doesn't help to keep things bottled up inside. That's why you're having a panic attack." Jo met Cas' eyes, and they both were sure that their worry was evident on their faces. Jo was glad that Dean's face was buried in Cas' neck. It meant that he wasn't aware of how scared they both were right now. Jo didn't want Dean to freak out more than he needed to. She knew that he wasn't talking enough, he was the one who did his best to keep things inside.
Dean was hating that Jo was worried about him now. This was too much. Dean didn't want to talk about his feelings. He never wanted to talk about them. He didn't know why he was that way, he just always had been. Dean tried to calm down, his lips pressing to Cas' neck, and he took a deeper breath, trying to stop from freaking out. Dean wasn't having much luck. "Jo, I know you mean well… but I can't talk about my feelings right now." Dean said, his voice barely above a whisper. He didn't know what he was going to say, even if he did want to talk about his feelings.
Clutching at Cas, Dean finally started to calm down. He didn't know how he'd managed to get so upset. Dean knew he had to do something to keep from getting so upset again, and he knew it was going to be hard to accomplish. Whenever he had a moment when he wasn't thinking about something else, he was worrying about if he was going to die. Dean didn't want to leave Frankie. He hadn't had her long enough, he couldn't lose her. Dean knew that she was going to be messed up enough when Charlie was gone. Dean knew that she was going to be gone soon. He'd been keeping up with her nurses. Every time he spoke to them, she was getting worse. Dean couldn't leave Frankie too.
"I'm not the one to talk about things like that." Dean said, although he knew that she knew that.
Cas stroked Dean's back, glad that he was starting to calm down. "Deep breaths, Dean. You don't have to talk if you don't want." He said. Cas knew that Dean wasn't going to talk, especially as long as Jo was still here. He didn't know what he was going to do to get him to talk, Dean did need to talk about things. Cas shared a look with Jo, and she nodded, getting up and heading back down the hall. Cas didn't know what to say to Dean now, but Dean's heart was finally getting back to normal. He was glad that Dean was finally calming down.
"Don't keep it all inside, though, Dean. You don't have to talk now if you don't want. I don't know what to do to get you to talk. But I'm glad that you're calm." Cas knew that he was going to be at a loss as long as this was going on. He felt constantly at a loss. He didn't like feeling out of control. Cas couldn't imagine what it must feel like to be Dean right now. He had never been sick like that before. Cas had no realm of experience to talk to Dean about this. He knew that him telling Dean it was going to be okay wasn't going to help as much as he would like it to.
"I know that there's nothing I can say that's really going to help you feel better." Cas said, as Dean lifted his head out of Cas' shoulder to look him in his blue eyes.
Dean's eyes were still watering. He sniffled, and his chin trembled. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Cas. I know that you're wanting to be positive about this. I understand that, but I don't want to be so positive that I forget that we need to be real about this." Dean said, brushing his hand through his hair. He was feeling more grounded looking into Cas' blue eyes. It was like looking into the sky. He didn't know what he was going to do if he lost him. Dean knew that wasn't going to happen unless it was death. With Cas having stuck by him so far, he knew that he wasn't going to lose him.
"You are the best thing to ever happen to me, Cas. I need you to know that." Dean said. If there was anything this whole experience was teaching him, it was that life was short. You had to say what you wanted to say to your loved ones while you could. Dean didn't know what he was going to say to explain how much he really loved Cas. Words weren't enough. They would never be enough. There were so many things that Dean felt when he was with Cas, and he knew that he'd never be able to put them into words. Dean just wasn't the one to be good with words like Cas was. Cas was a writer though, it was what he did for a living.
Dean took another deep breath, trying to keep his breath even. "I don't know how to ever explain how much you mean to me. I'm not good with words like you are. I wish I was. Words just aren't enough." Dean said, he knew that he wasn't ever going to take Cas for granted. No matter what. He was so grateful to have him. He didn't want to know what it was like to not have him in his life. He barely remembered what it was like before Cas.
Cas' own eyes brushed with tears. He knew why Dean was saying these things. "No, Dean, don't do that. You're not going to die, okay? I know that you're feeling discouraged right now, but that's no reason to start saying your goodbyes. I love you, I'm not going to lose you. We're going to fight this till the bitter end." He told him firmly, Cas wasn't going to even let himself think that Dean wasn't going to make it. He just couldn't let himself go there, because then he'd break down, and it was something that he knew he couldn't do it to Dean. He had to be the strong one so Dean could be the weak one.
"You don't have to keep it all inside, and you aren't going to die." Cas said, his voice wobbling when he said that, he didn't know how he could have said it without collapsing in a ball. He hadn't ever said it out loud yet. It wasn't real to him, that Dean might die. He didn't want to let himself think about it if he didn't have to. "You don't have to be as positive as I am, but you don't have to keep thinking the dark thoughts. I can be positive for both of us. I just want you to try and keep your mind on living. Whenever you start to get scared that you might not make it, think about something else. Force yourself to if you have to." Cas knew that it wasn't going to help much if Dean didn't do it, but he knew that it would help if Dean could actually do it. Cas didn't want him to worry about anything, he hated that this was happening to them.
Lucy's voice rang out. "I'm putting the pot roast in the oven!" Dean all of a sudden didn't want her there. But he knew that it would be rude to ask her to leave. Dean didn't want to eat, all he wanted to do was go back to bed and stay there. He tried to take a deep breath, and he didn't manage to do it. Dean kept his eyes on the floor as he said, "I'm going back to bed. Tell Lucy I'm sorry. I just am not up to this right now." Dean wasn't sorry, but he knew that he didn't want to be rude to Lucy without reason. He didn't want to give her any ammunition to take Frankie. Even though he didn't think that it was going to happen, he didn't want to put the idea in her head.
Standing, Dean's fingers slid out of Cas' slowly. He met Cas' eyes, and tried to convey what he was thinking as he looked at him without words. It didn't exactly work, at least, Dean didn't think so. He walked off towards the bedroom, and as soon as he reached the bed, he collapsed into it, tears racking his body. He buried his head in the pillow, he wished that he could just wake up and things would be different. He felt like this was a dream. It didn't feel real. Dean didn't think he deserved to live. He wished that he did. He didn't think that he was ever going to feel that he deserved to live. He turned on his side, laying his head on the pillow.
Cas walked him go, and wished that he could do something that would make Dean feel better. He knew that he couldn't. There was nothing he could say right now that was going to help. He wished that he could do something. Cas moved to the kitchen, taking a moment to calm himself before he went back in the kitchen. Frankie was helping her aunt with the potato masher, and Cas had to smile a bit. He knew that she loved to mash potatoes. He cleared his throat, and Jo and Lucy both looked at him. "Dean's asked me to apologize, he went back to bed." Cas said, as he moved to start putting away the cookie cutters.
His eyes met Jo's briefly. He knew that Jo was thinking the same thing he was. Dean wasn't handling this well. They had to do something. He just didn't know what they were going to do about it. He wished that he could do more. Cas was feeling as helpless as he ever had, and he didn't like it. He was flashing back to the last time he'd felt this helpless, and it had been his rape in high school. Cas was suddenly hit with a wave of despair. Cas held onto the chair next to him so tight that his knuckles were white. He hadn't told Dean about the rape yet. He hadn't thought about it in a long time.
Cas had been through lots of therapy. He hadn't been able to talk about it in a long time without getting upset. Cas wondered how long that would be the case. He had thought he was much better about it. But this feeling helpless thing was bringing him all back. Cas didn't know how to tell Dean, and he didn't want to really. He didn't want to upset Dean anymore than he already was. Cas didn't know what Dean's reaction was going to be. That was another thing that was stopping him. What if Dean got mad because Cas hadn't told him? It wasn't like they had been together long enough to get out all their secrets. He just couldn't form the words. It had been a long time since he'd spoken about it. It had been his high school counselor, and she had been a woman. Cas was amazed that he didn't have a problem with women as a result. He knew that when it happened to women sometimes they were scared of men for years afterward.
Jo watched Cas, there was something wrong with him. She wondered if it was Dean's' breakdown or something else. She stepped closer, reaching out and taking Cas' hand. "Cas, what's wrong? Is it just Dean? Or is something else?" Jo asked, her fingers laced tightly with Cas'. She knew that he was hiding something. They'd known each other long enough that she could tell when he was upset. Jo wished she could do something. She felt as helpless as he did, or at least, how much she suspected that he was. Jo brushed some of her blonde hair behind her ear with her free hand.
"You can tell me anything." Jo said, tugging on Cas' hand so that he looked her in the eye. Jo had told him about the baby, and she was glad that she had. She hoped that he would be able to confide in her too. Jo was glad to have Cas in her family. She knew it was good for him too, she knew that his family didn't accept him. She couldn't even imagine what that must have been like for him. Jo hadn't ever had to worry about that with her mother. Jo had always been accepted by her mother unconditionally.
He met her eyes head on, and he said, "I was raped in high school. By my high school counselor." He said, and watched her eyes widen. Cas took a deep breath. He glanced over at Lucy and Frankie, who were giggling as they worked on dinner. Cas felt like they weren't even in the same world as they were. Cas always felt like that whenever he was talking about what had happened to him. "I haven't told Dean yet. I'm afraid to tell him. I mean…. I'm not sure how he's going to react. What if he gets mad because I haven't told him yet? I just….. I haven't talked about it in a really long time. I went to therapy for years. I stopped a few years ago. I finally felt like I had a handle on it."
Cas knew that he didn't necessarily have a handle on it, but he didn't have nightmares about it anymore, and most of the time it didn't even cross his mind. So he knew that he was doing much better about it than he used to be. Cas didn't know what he was going to say to Dean about it. But he knew that was a serious secret to keep hidden. He could probably get away with not saying anything right away, since they hadn't been together very long. But he knew that that excuse wasn't going to last forever. Cas took another deep breath, squeezing Jo's fingers. He felt better having told her. He knew that he would feel better when he told Dean too. Cas just kept putting it off because it was going to be hard to talk about.
And what if Dean got so angry he wanted to go and look her up? Cas had never pressed charges because he'd been too scared. As far as he knew, she was still at the high school he'd gone to. It had been back in England, and Cas wondered if he should feel guilty that he hadn't pressed charges. What if she'd done it to someone else? Cas knew that he couldn't feel guilty about it though. He had made his choice. It had been his choice not to put himself and his family through that. His family actually didn't know. He'd told his parents a bogus reason that he'd wanted to go to therapy and he knew that they'd wanted to believe it so they hadn't asked any questions.
"Oh Cas…." Jo said, her eyes widening. Her throat felt tight. She didn't know what to say to him. She didn't have any experience with this kind of thing. Jo hadn't ever known someone that it had happened to. "You don't have to tell Dean right away. But I do know there's nothing that is going to keep him from loving you, Cas. He will always love you. You can tell him when you're ready. I just… I don't want to see you lose him because you waited too long. But Dean trusts you with his life, Cas. He may get mad that you waited to tell him, but he's going to be more angry that it happened than that you took your time telling him."
Jo knew how hard it was to trust someone enough to open up about something like that. It couldn't be easy. She understood Cas' reluctance to tell Dean. She didn't know from experience, but she knew from watching television and things that it was hard for some people to talk about it, because they blamed themselves. Jo honestly hoped that Cas didn't see it that way. She didn't want him to think it was his fault. She would hate that. "Dean's not going to leave you, Cas. You're sticking by him through sickness and health, you're taking your vows seriously. Dean will too. I promise you."
Cas met her gaze, and he nodded. He knew that she was right. It didn't mean that it made it any easier to entertain the idea of telling Dean. He just hoped that he would be able to. He didn't think that right now was the best time, but he felt that he would be able to eventually. Cas trusted Dean with his life, just as he knew Dean trusted him with his. It felt amazing for someone to trust him that much. Cas had never loved anyone like he loved Dean. He knew that Dean hadn't had this kind of love before either. That was why he believed that he and Dean were meant to be. They knew how much this love meant to them.
It was the first time in both of their lives that they'd ever felt this strong love, and Cas knew that he would never want to risk losing that. He just hoped that Dean felt the same way.
Author's note: So…. that took a turn I didn't expect. I hope ya'll liked though. I realized that I hadn't really introduced Lucy, so I thought that I would. Since I said it was going to be last chapter and it wasn't. XD. I hope ya'll are hanging in, and I will do my best to update as soon as possible. It's gonna get a lot more angsty, that's my cup of tea usually. Just a head's up.