I know I said this is would be up yesturday but i was stuck one of the lines but thanks to hamithehamister for helping with it lol :D

sorry for any mistakes in grammar and spelling :3

hope you enjoy :D this chapters is longer than the others have been.

poor confused Cas and Dean have a heart to heart ^_^ x

There was a few minutes of silence after Dean's laughter had finished. The hunter watched as the angel picked up the remote to the TV and started to flick through the channels, Dean knew what he had to ask but was afraid of what kind of answer he would get.

"Cas." Dean spoke and got the angels attention he took the remote of him and shuffled so was facing him, Cas getting a little tense by the sudden formality of the room. "Tell me."

"Tell you what?" Cas asked as he frowned at the complicated human in front of him.

"What's wrong, I can't help you if you don't tell me."

"Nothing Dean." Cas lied and looked to the floor unable to keep eye contact. Yes he lied, he had too, he couldn't tell Dean, not considering all the shit he has to deal with already the angel didn't want to burden Dean with yet more information to worry about.

"Shall I break out the whisky?"

"I don't think that advisable." Cas almost smiled again as he remembered their last whisky session, a small pink tint rose in his cheeks as the thought about how it ended, Dean could barley see it and only did because he was staring to hard at Cas in the first place, but he figured Cas might have been embarrassed to let himself get drunk.

"Okay, T-total it is then. Castiel please. Talk to me, you don't seem to be you, you know? Dude you look like you might cry."

"I won't" Cas assured him still looking at the floor, getting more and more uncomfortable with this talk.

"Hey there' no shame in it." Dean put his arm around Cas' shoulders to comfort him, Cas' eyes met Dean's and the air went thick as Cas tried to explain.

"No, I mean I'm an angel, I don't think it possible. But yes, everything is starting to take its toll. If I could and if I knew how, I think I would cry."

"That's got to be one of the saddest things I've ever heard."

"Don't mock me Dean." Cas told him slightly hurt as he shrugged of Dean's hand that lingered on his back.

"I'm not. Look you should talk, help me help you help me, to help, you." The hunter looked to the ceiling and pouted as he tried to work this out, Cas staring at his mouth, he didn't understand how it could move so freely. Dean decided to talk in a more straight forward manner. "It's not good to bottle up."

"You're one to talk, when was the last time you and Sam sat down and had a confessional convocation. All you do is bottle Dean. I have never seen such a destructive, co-dependant mess of a relationship as the one you and your brother share, so do not lecture to me about bottling up."

"Wow. Okay I was only trying to help." Dean told him hands in a surrender position.

"There is no need."

"There is everyone need Cas. I'm worried about you. You've been acting strange, distant yet you're around us more and you're quiet-er."

"You mean appose to my usual life of the party persona."

"You're more tense even for you, you look exhausted, please." Dean shuffled along the sofa until their thighs were touching and he placed a hand on Cas' that were rested on his lap "Talk to me." he whispered Cas relaxed slightly and unintentionally at the moan in his charges voice, the angel sighed he knew he was defeated, he closed his eyes as he finally voiced the worries and concerns he never thought he would be able to share.

"I feel Dean."

"You feel what?"

"Everything, I feel. That's not supposed to happen. I'm an angel. You wouldn't understand. " Dean gave the angel a reassuring squeeze of his hand.

"How about you tell me anyway."

"All these emotions, all these feelings." Cas looked to Dean, finding soft green eyes waiting for him, he looked like someone had just told him there was no Santa, or that his angel wasn't as strong as he thought, Cas got a horrible pull inside all his organs squeezed together when he saw Dean looking like a puppy. "The ones you take for granted or don't even notice, they weigh me down more than I can say." Dean felt Cas' hands slip from his as Cas placed his head in them. "I don't know how you do it, living everyday for your whole life like this. I am exhausted Dean." Cas sat back on the sofa looking to the ceiling, Dean completely rigid, he didn't know what to do or say, this was so unlike Cas. "It used to be easy, you have commands, you execute your orders and you don't question. Now all I do is question everything, and I understand nothing. Nothing in this universe makes sense to me. Least of all me. I am supposed to be an angel yet I can't go home, heaven it self rejects me. I am hunted by my kin and I kill my own to survive and for what?"

"For freedom Cas, freedom to choose your own path, your own destiny."

"I choose a lousy one."

"Cas you're an angel that cares, that's not a bad thing."

"Yes it is, you have no idea what I have done in the past, all thing people I've, I remember everything and all I do if feel guilt about it. You asked me today were I was, I didn't tell you I was, ashamed. I couldn't tell you not that it matters now." There was the briefest of silences before Dean's curiosity over run him.

"Where were you?"

"New York." That thought the hunter, it made no sense, why New York?

"Why?"

"Homeless shelter down town, I helped there."

"Cas, not that that isn't great but you take on too much, you're already an angel do you need to be a good samaritan too?" Dean tried to joke but it wasn't working, Cas just tensed up and looked towards his charge.

"Yes." Dean was not prepared for what came next. "Dean every day I feel less and less like an angel. I went there today and I gave those people belief that maybe, maybe the world isn't as dark as they thought. That there are still people that care. But why bother, I mean the world crumbling around us right? But I saw the hope in their eyes Dean; all my time as a soldier and I ever once saw it, I never once felt it, I just believed I was doing good. Now I don't even know if that's true." Dean couldn't stop himself wrapping his arms around his friend. Cas didn't hug back but leaned into the man as he continued. "I feel as if I have lived a millennia for nothing, that it all accumulates to nothing. Hardly the work of an angel." Without realising it Dean fell back into big brother mode, Cas was acting like a heart broken kid, Dean comforted him they way he did Sam when they were younger, he stroked Cas' hair, he didn't realise his actions and blames Cas entirely for being so adorably puppy like and for not stopping him. Dean whispered harshly as he attempted to get through to him.

"Cas listen to me okay listen to me right now, I don't want to hear anymore of this self pity bullshit okay, you are more of an angel than any of those dicks upstairs and don't you forget it. You have helped and you have made a difference." Cas was frozen against Dean's chest as Dean held him, he didn't know what to do, his hand was uncomfortable in-between them but he didn't know if he could move it, this was such a strange situation he didn't know the rules, he had an unexplainable urge to rest his hand against the hunters chest but stopped himself and stayed where he was even though his hand was getting pins and needles. "You saved my life, my soul. Cas you gave me faith and hope and I didn't think that were possible, you made me believe that after everything I did in hell I was still worthy of an angels-…Cas you gave me the strength to fight. So don't you dare believe you are anything less then the best damn angel heaven has to offer. You rebelled because it was right to do so, you stood up for what was good, for what you believed in."

"What do I believe in Dean?" the angel pushed away from Dean, bringing his hand to the hunters chest for leverage before looking to Dean for answers he seemed to beg for an answer, feeling deans heart in his finger tips.

"The world, humanity," Dean sat up from his slouched position causing Cas to removed his hand though it was the opposite of what he wanted to do. Dean continued and Cas couldn't believe how gentle the hunter was being. "That it's worth saving. You gave up everything to save the world, and no one will ever know." The hunter put his hand onto the angel's arm getting his attention. "What other angel can make such a claim." Cas let out a small smile as he lent forward resting his elbows on his knees and looked to his hands, he pushed down a little flush he felt arise in his cheeks.

"How is it you always know just what to say Dean."

"I like to think it's because of my perky nipples."

"Doubtful."

"Is that almost a smile?"

"I think it might be." Cas was truly smiling he was a little surprised he was finally doing it, that made him smile more.

"That's good you should smile more." He looked to his angel before coughing to take his eyes away from the blue ones that captured his. After looking away and grabbed the remote and continued to flick through the channels. "I know things look bleak, but just think it can only get better."

"On the contrary Dean, given our situation with Lucifer and what possible paths lay before us, I'm afraid it can only get worse." Dean was a little taken back the matter of fact manner in which he spoke, Dean couldn't let thoughts like that in, there had to be a silver lining so to speak.

"Bright side Cas, bright side."

"All I have is my faith Dean, and I don't know what I have faith in anymore, so you tell me. What's the bright side?" that sat in silence for a second.

"I will always have faith, in you." The angel looked to his charge, how did Dean do it?

"How about we break into a bottle."

"Aye, man after me own heart." Dean smiled eager to get back his ability breathe and stop this very intense chick flick moment, he stood and got the whisky from the side and continued to speak as he got two glasses. "You know I was thinking, what I said the other day about sleep, I really think you should give it a go. You said your self you're exhausted."

"I do not require sleep."

"Screw what you require Cas you feel now, do what feels good."

"Dreaming does look, pleasant." Cas spoke as he watched Dean's back as he watched him pour the two of them a well deserved drink as he thought of Dean sleeping, wishing he knew what he was dreaming about.

"It is, it can give you things you can't have in real life, make your troubles feel like, there over the rainbow and back in Kansas. " Cas curiosity now burnt so much more.

"I would like that very much."

"Good, here. Does good to switch of once in a while."

"Thank you Dean." Cas took the drink and the two sat next to each other in silence until Cas asked nervously. "Couldn't you not tell Sam? What I told you?"

"Sure." He told Cas with a smile, oh god that smile the angel thought.

Thank you for reading please review :P xx