Chapter Fifteen: Like A River Flows
Two Weeks Later
It was a beautiful April morning, and it was Frankie's fourth birthday. It was luckily a Saturday, so that was her party day. Cas was getting decorations up. Dean had retreated into himself since the day of the funeral. Cas hadn't been able to get him out of the bedroom. Only with the promise of sex could Cas get him in the shower. Cas was putting them up alone, John and Ellen had come by to take Frankie to a birthday breakfast. Dean was upstairs in the bedroom, there was loud Led Zeppelin playing, and Cas knew there was some kind of boozing going on too, and he wouldn't be surprised if there was some pot smoking too. Cas had suspiciously found his bowl that it went in sitting on the dresser.
He was reaching for some more crepe paper when there were keys in the door, and Jo came in, calling out to them. She moved in further and Cas saw her. "Hey, Jo." Cas said, unable to keep the sad tone out of his voice. Cas had been just as depressed as Dean had been, but it was more of he was worried about Dean and couldn't do anything to help. Cas knew that Bobby wouldn't want them to mope and be depressed forever, and he was trying to honor that. Cas knew that Dean knew that too but it was just hard to remember with all of the pain he was feeling. Cas leaned out and kissed her cheek. Jo was an amazing sister in law. Cas couldn't imagine life without her right now, she was being super helpful with things because of Bobby's death. She knew how hard everyone was taking it. Cas loved that she was trying to be that helpful.
Jo held up the bag of presents she'd gotten for Frankie. Jo was finally starting to show some. She wasn't sure if she liked that, but she knew it was going to make her feel so much better the more she showed, the more the baby grew. Jo grinned as Cas touched her baby bump. It was very small. She knew he needed to focus on something happy, and she was trying to give that to him. Jo needed to throw herself into making sure that everyone around her was okay, in order for her to get through her grief. She did her best to ignore the Led Zeppelin that was playing through the floor. Whenever Dean was ultra depressed, the Zeppelin vinyl came out. Dean would listen to them on other platforms, but his favorite was vinyl, and when he was this upset, it had to be vinyl.
She said, "Isn't it amazing? Sam was talking to it this morning before work." She didn't know how she could be happier about the baby. It felt a little wrong to her to be so happy about the baby while everyone was upset about Bobby. But she knew that no one would judge her for feeling that way. She especially knew that Cas wouldn't because he knew what had happened to her in high school. Jo moved to help Cas putting up the banners. The party was at noon, and everyone was supposed to be there. Jo knew that everyone was going to feel Bobby's presence, even if it wasn't physical. Jo brushed her hand across the tape that was on top of the banner. It said happy birthday in pink and purple, and Jo knew that Frankie was going to flip her lid when she saw it.
Cas' face fell. He couldn't help himself. He had to talk to her about Dean. His eyes brushed with tears. "Jo, he's…. He's taking this too hard." Cas said, his eyes brimming over and tears falling down his cheeks. Cas was so worried about Dean he couldn't focus on anything. They'd sold the mechanic shop, and the money was already put back for something for Claire. Dean's medical bills were paid, and the rest of the money was put up for possibly a bigger house and private school for Frankie and possibly Claire. Although Cas knew that she wasn't exactly doing that well in her classes. But it was because of other things, not because she wasn't smart. Cas knew that all of that should have at least had some joy in it, but Dean had retreated even further into himself.
"Jo, he's not bathing unless I promise sex, which I try to do as often as I think he'll go for it. Not just to get him to bathe, but also because I know that the sex helps him feel better. He won't say it out loud, but I can tell. I'm so lost as to anything else to do to help him that I'm trying to do what I know works as often as I can." Cas didn't know what he was going to do if he couldn't at least get Dean to move some. He knew it wasn't going to get better instantly or possibly even soon, but he wanted to get least get Dean to be getting out of bed and eating regularly and things like that. It was incredibly hard so far. "I managed to get him to at least shower and dress today, for Frankie. He may be so bad off right now, but he does whatever he can to keep Frankie from seeing how sad he is." Cas was glad that that was something that Dean was trying to do, shield their daughter from how hard Dean was taking things.
She hated that Cas was so strung out over Dean, and she was sorry that Dean was taking things so hard that Cas had to worry. She touched Cas' arm as they stepped closer. She said, "Cas, I promise, this too shall pass. I know that you're worried, but I promise, he'll start to come around. He just needs to feel all of this right now. Dean's just lost someone that was pretty much a second father to him, and it feels like it did when he lost Mary all over again." She told him. Jo knew that this was hard for Cas, having to see Dean like this and think he wasn't going to make it through what he was going through. Jo understood that though because she was dealing with that a bit with Sam. But she knew that he wasn't as bad off as Dean was. Sam was burying himself into work to get through his feelings.
Jo handed Cas a tissue, who quickly began to use it, he heard feet on the stairs. Jo heard the feet too and looked up in surprise when she saw Dean. He wasn't dressed, but he was showered and in a robe. Jo noticed he hadn't shaved, so he had a week and a half beard going on. But she knew that Cas liked that, so that wasn't as much of an issue. Jo met Dean's eyes, and she saw the pain there. Jo's own eyes brushed with tears at the sight of him. Dean honestly was in the most pain she had ever seen him in. Jo knew then that she might have been wrong about what she'd just said to Cas. Jo looked up into Dean's eyes, and she said, "Hey, Dean." She didn't know what else to say to him. She could tell how in pain he was. He was doing his best to hide it though and she knew that it was for Frankie. She loved that about him so much, that he was willing to do whatever he could for his daughter.
When Jo said his name, Dean's eyes flooded with tears. He didn't know what he was going to say to her. When their eyes met, Dean knew that she saw how bad it was. Dean was trying to prove to Cas that it wasn't as bad as it actually was. Mostly because he was trying to keep Cas from worrying more than he had to. Dean had caught on to Cas' sex plan to get him to bathe. Dean didn't mind that so much, because he knew that he needed to be prodded about that. Dean kept her gaze for a few seconds, and he tried to let her know in the look that he had acknowledged her but he couldn't say anything out loud back. Dean honestly didn't know what he would say if he was able to say something out loud. Dean would completely break down and he knew that if he did that him being somewhat normal for Frankie's party would never happen.
"Cas? Can I talk to you, baby?" Dean asked, his voice barely audible and his tone shaking. He met his husband's eyes, and he nodded, and they stepped out of the dining room and into the kitchen. Dean moved with Cas, leaning against the island. Dean reached out, touching Cas' chest, he was wearing a purple polo shirt and a pair of khakis. Dean couldn't help but love the way Cas dressed, he was so cute and preppy. Dean was so far from that that it kind of tickled him that Cas was. They were so different in so many ways. Dean brushed his hand across his chest, stroking the place where he could hear Cas' heart beating. He lifted his gaze to Cas' blue eyes, and he was quiet for a moment before he spoke again. "I am freaking out. I know that I have to do this for Frankie, but I know that I have to see everyone and be somewhat normal and I can't,..." Dean knew that he had to do this. And he was going to. He just couldn't do it on his own. He needed his husband's help with this.
"I can't do this without one of my tranquilizers. I need you to help me. You know how those kind of mellow me out a bit too much. I need you to help me be as normal as possible." Dean didn't know how he was going to get through this. Dean knew that he was going to give it his all though, because it was for Frankie. He would do just about anything for her.
When Dean told him he needed help, Cas actually felt his heart swell with love for him. Cas knew that this was a big step in getting better. Cas brushed his hand along Dean's robe belt. He knew that he shouldn't, Jo was here and she'd know that they'd had sex. Cas brushed some tears off Dean's face with his other hand. He said, "You know that I will do whatever I can to make this easier for you. I can't tell you how proud I am of you that you're doing this for Frankie. I know how hard this is going to be for you. You can do this, Dean. I know you can. And it's not wrong for you to do what you have to to do this for her." Cas knew that Dean was worried about taking the drugs they'd prescribed him. Cas knew that it was because of how many people got addicted to drugs.
He knew that Dean was going to be fine though. He was being ultra careful with taking them, and Cas knew that that was what was going to keep him from getting addicted. Cas brushed his fingers lightly through Dean's brown hair. He knew that Dean liked that, and he was rewarded with Dean's eyes fluttering a bit. Cas felt so good that he'd done something to make Dean feel something other than the pain about Bobby. He considered that a win. He'd take them however he could get them. "Have you picked something to wear? I know that you don't want to dress up too much. I'm okay with that. I know how hard this is all being on you." He didn't know he could live with himself if he tried to control how Dean dressed. It didn't matter anyway, Frankie was just going to be glad that Dean was there. She knew that Dean was spending a lot of time in his room, and they'd told her he was sick. Because he was.
They just knew that it wasn't the kind of sick that Frankie thought it was, and Cas was hoping that she wasn't worrying that Dean was going to die like Charlie did. Cas knew that he wasn't going to stop worrying about that no matter what happened.
Dean was so glad that Cas was willing to do what he needed. Even though he'd known that that would happen. Cas was never one to turn down helping Dean however he needed. There as a lump in Dean's throat, and he knew that he couldn't form words to reply to what Cas had said. He didn't know how he was going to put into words how much he was grateful for Cas. Dean knew that he wasn't going to make it through any of this without Cas. Dean looked into Cas' eyes, his heart was pounding hard and his eyes brimmed over with tears. Dean knew that he couldn't talk right now without breaking down completely. He wanted to be able to answer Cas' other questions about clothes and things. He didn't have any idea what he was going to wear, and he pretty much didn't care. It was going to be hard enough to get through this and have to act normal when all he wanted to do was curl up in Cas' underwear and watch tv until he couldn't stay awake anymore.
When he found his voice again, Dean said, "I don't know what I'm going to wear yet. I was more concerned with the fact that I have to get through this." He'd also asked Charlie to come, not really sure why. Other than she was one of Dean's best friends. And he knew that he wanted her to get to know Frankie, too. Dean didn't know what he was supposed to do about any of this. He was just nervous as hell about having to be around people and act like he wasn't drowning in his grief. Dean didn't want to be normal, it was going to take a lot of effort at the moment. Dean finally was able to speak. "I could use your help picking out something to wear after we get my tranquilizer." He refused to know where they were, Cas was the keeper of them. Dean didn't want to give himself the temptation of knowing where they were so he could get one whenever he wanted. Dean didn't like having to rely on medications as it was.
There was more he wasn't saying, and Cas knew it was okay. He knew it was because Dean couldn't say what he wanted to say. Cas was willing to wait till he was ready to say what it was he needed to say. Cas reached down and took Dean's hand. "Come on, we'll go upstairs, I'll get your pill and then we'll pick out some clothes." Cas poked his head in the other room long enough to tell Jo he'd be back in a few minutes, and then they walked upstairs. Cas had Dean wait in the hall as he got out Dean's pill and then a cup of water. They were hidden in the back of Cas' side of the closet. Cas called for him that it was okay to come in, and then he moved to Dean's side of the closet.
He buried himself in Dean's side of the closet, it was a large walk in closet, and the clothes were on a moving rack. "What about those skinny jeans I got you and that blue fitted tee I got you?" Cas had taken to shopping for Dean when he'd been recovering from his heart surgery. Mostly because Dean couldn't speak up and say no don't buy me that. Cas liked that he was willing to wear the things that Cas did buy though. Cas didn't know how he could get so lucky to have someone like Dean. Dean was always willing to do whatever he could to make Cas happy, to see him smile. Cas had to admit, that was one of the things he loved most about Dean. He loved Cas as much as Cas loved him and was willing to do the same things Cas was to show it. Since this whole relationship started Dean had never once been afraid or ashamed that he was with a man.
Carrying the items in question, he moved out of the closet to show Dean, who was sitting on the bed. "See? Still casual but not those flannel shirts you favor." Cas said, smiling softly at Dean so he'd know that Cas was kidding. He loved Dean and that included his penchant for flannel.
Dean had taken his pill, and he was looking blankly at the clothes that Cas was holding out. He did hear what Cas was saying, but he wasn't sure that the words were even registering. He looked at the jeans and shirt Cas was holding out, and he took them from him. Dean stood, and started to get dressed. He wasn't wearing his own underwear, he'd put on a pair of Cas' silky boxer briefs. Dean wasn't even sure where he got them, they didn't usually make them silky. He didn't mind though, he liked knowing that he was wearing underwear that had touched Cas' most private parts of his body. Dean wasn't sure he could admit it out loud to anyone, it was just too private.
He put the clothes in place, he'd seen Cas' eyes taking in that he was wearing his underwear. Dean wasn't able to keep the smile off his face when he thought of it. Dean finished getting dressed and then sat down on the bed, his bare feet sinking into the carpet. Dean loved the carpet, he was going to miss it if they moved. Dean let his toes curl in the soft carpet, and he hummed softly to himself as he watched Cas puttering around the bedroom. Dean knew why he was still here, he didn't want to leave Dean alone, not when he knew that Dean was so nervous about the party, and whether or not Dean would be able to be at it. Dean knew that Cas' fears were ungrounded, Dean was going to have a hard time with this but he knew that he could do it. Dean brushed his hand through his wet brown hair. He said, "Cas, I promise, I'm going to be downstairs at the party. You don't have to be afraid to leave me alone."
Dean knew that Cas was going to deny that that's what he was doing. He was fine with that, he knew what the real reason was Cas was still up here.
Cas didn't know how to deny that, and he knew that's what Dean was expecting. "I'm sorry, Dean, but it's not about you not going to the party. It's about I know how sad you are and I don't want to leave you alone to deal with it yourself." Cas told him, and wasn't able to keep the smile off his face when Dean was looking at him with a bit of surprise. "Dean, I promise, I trust you to do what you said you were going to do. And you want to be there for Frankie so much that you took one of your pills, which I know you don't like to do." Cas knew that that was serious proof that Dean was going to do what he said he would. And Dean was usually not one to say he was going to do something and then not do it. It was one of the best things that Cas loved about him.
Knowing Dean was right though, Cas moved to him, and kissed him softly. "I know that I don't need to be with you, but I want to." He said, and Dean wasn't able to keep from smiling. Cas always appreciated time with his husband, and would take it whenever he could get it. "I need to keep putting up decorations and I'm touching up the cake." He'd made it the day before. He met those green eyes, and was blown away again by how beautiful they were. Dean was one of the most beautiful and handsome men Cas had ever known. Cas had never been with anyone else that was as beautiful as Dean was. Cas brushed his fingers through the wet hair that hung over Dean's forehead. He did need a haircut. Cas moved his gaze back to Dean's eyes.
"How about later I give you a haircut?" Cas asked, his fingers moving slowly. Dean's hair was wavy, and everyone's hair looks different dry than wet. It would definitely be just as normal as it was when he was able to cut it. Cas knew that Dean wasn't one to let his hair get too long.
Dean looked back into Cas' eyes. "You do that and you might have to fuck me after." Dean said, grinning his first real grin in awhile. Cas' eyes lit up and Dean knew that he was so into that idea. Having Cas' hands in his hair that much was going to end with Dean getting very turned on. That was the fun part though, it always ended in amazing sex. Dean took in his husband's adorable face and smiled at him. "Now go on before Jo thinks we're having sex or something." Dean joked, and Cas went out of the room and down the stairs. Dean watched him, and he knew that there was so much that was going to change. They were going to have such different lives now that Bobby was gone. Dean knew that he would give all of it back to have Bobby back. He just knew that there was no possibility of that, and he knew that that was what was really getting him down.
The party was in full swing a few hours later, Frankie was running around the backyard with the new puppy Cas and Dean had gotten for her. Dean wasn't a dog person, but he knew that it would help Frankie and it was going to be a good idea in the long run. Cas was putting out some more pizza, they'd ordered from this local place that they loved. Cas looked across the yard, Frankie and the puppy, who was a golden retriever, who was a girl and named Diana, after Wonder Woman. She was Frankie's favorite superhero. Then his gaze fell on Charlie, who was talking with John over near the grill. They weren't using it at the moment but it was still a nice place to chill out and have a conversation.
Cas moved to clean up some of the paper plates. They'd already done the presents and cake, Frankie was four and hard to keep focused on one thing. He was putting the plates in the trash bag when his brother in law came over to him. Cas looked at him. "Sam, how are you?" He asked, he knew that Sam was feeling the Bobby grief as much as everyone else was, but he hadn't really been speaking about it much. Cas brushed his hand through his black hair. Sam reached for a paper plate and put some of the raw veggies Cas had put out on it. Sam was a healthy eater most of the time, he would every once in awhile eat something unhealthy but not usually. Cas wondered if Sam was just looking for someone to ask him how he was. He wanted to be close with Sam, since he knew that Sam would be in his life permanently. They were doing well in that respect in Cas' eyes.
"Sam, how are you? How have you been dealing with everything?"
That was a loaded question that Sam didn't really want to answer. He looked at Cas, watching him put away some of the trash. Cas was definitely the one that was Felix between the two of them. Sam knew that Dean never cleaned up a party while it was in progress, he wanted to do it all at once. Sam didn't know what he was going to say to Cas in reply to his question. Sam brushed his hand through his shaggy brown hair and looked at his brother in law. "I don't really feel anything. I feel numb." It was true, he did feel numb. He should be feeling unimaginable pain, and he knew that he had at the beginning, but not now. Sam just felt like there was nothing to live for, nothing to feel anything about. Sam didn't really know how to explain it other than that. He knew that Cas would most likely know what he meant though.
Sam sighed as Cas waited for him to start talking again. Sam didn't really know what else to say, he was just numb. "I don't… Jo's sad, of course, but she's still able to find things to focus on, things that she can use to keep her occupied so she doesn't feel her feelings. I can't feel anything. I wish I could." Sam didn't know what he was supposed to do to start feeling things again. Sam also knew that it would be awhile before he'd start to feel better. He was trying to do the best he could by everyone though, despite how he was feeling, or rather, not feeling. Sam didn't know how things could get worse. He knew not to say that out loud though, he knew it would get worse. That was how it worked, especially with their family.
Reaching out, Cas touched Sam's shoulder, squeezing it briefly. He thought hugging him would get Sam to get upset or something and he didn't want to make him more upset if he didn't have to. Cas nodded slowly. "It's not wrong to feel that way. I don't know that I could ever blame you for that." Cas had felt like that when his parents had died. He had felt like that for awhile afterwards. Cas knew that Sam knew about his parents being dead, but Cas wasn't sure they'd ever talked about how Cas had felt about it. He looked into Sam's hazel eyes. "Sam, I lost my parents, both at the same time. Car accident." Cas hoped he'd be able to get through it without crying. It was being remembered, the pain of losing his parents. He still couldn't believe that Bobby was gone, that he'd never get to hear Bobby's voice again, calling him an "idjit".
"All of this is bringing back the pain I felt. And for awhile after it happened, I felt numb. For months. I finally started to start living again when I realized how much my parents wouldn't want me to live my life that way." Cas didn't want Sam to think he was trying to lecture him. "You'll stop feeling numb eventually. You just need to find the thing that's going to help you see that you have to be living your life again." Cas didn't know what it would be for Sam, but he did know that Sam had to come to the conclusion of what it was on his own. Cas brushed his hand across his chin, and looked out over the yard. He was looking for Dean. Dean was sitting on one of the lounge chairs, watching Frankie run around with Diana. Cas knew that he was struggling to remain with everyone.
Sam caught his gaze. "Cas, I know how bad Dean is." He said, looking at his brother in law. Cas met his eyes, and Sam said, "I've known him my whole life, and I know when he's in pain and I know that he's barely hanging on right now." Sam knew that Cas was worried about Dean, too. He could tell when Cas was worried. He got extra attentive of Dean, fussed over him like a mother would. Sam knew that that was just the way that Cas needed to be in order to ease his worry a little. Sam had never seen someone love his brother so fiercely. Sam knew that this was going to work out for all of them. He didn't know how, but he did. Sam just was wondering how much crap they'd have to go through till it got that way again. It was just so hard to get through and still have the notion that it was going to be okay.
"You don't have to hide it from me. Dean may have been able to fool everyone else, but he didn't fool me. I know how hard he's taking it. I know that he let you drug him up." Sam met Cas' eyes, and it was confirmed in that look that he was right. Sam didn't know what Cas was going to say in return. He also knew that this wasn't going to be something that was going to have an easy fix. Sam didn't know that he blamed him for being nervous about what was going to have to happen to help Dean. It was going to be a lot of hard work. Sam had seen this happen to him before, and it had been a long time since Dean was able to move past the pain he'd been feeling. Dean had found out that his girlfriend at the time had had a miscarriage. It had been the hardest thing that Dean had gone through in his life up to that point. Sam wasn't sure if Dean had mentioned this to Cas or not.
Sam leaned closer to Cas, who was looking upset that Sam knew what was really going on. Sam also knew that he'd told Jo, but he didn't want to let Cas in on that secret. He wanted to let them have their view of things. Sam brushed his hand across his hair and met Cas' eyes. "He was in this kind of pain before, and let me tell you, it was a year before he was over it. It was right after high school and he had to move in back home with us for awhile because he couldn't keep his job at the time." Sam wasn't sure if he should tell Cas what it was without asking Dean, it was Dean's pain that he should get to decide who knows. By the look on Cas' face, he knew that Cas could tell he knew what it had been.
It was on the tip of Cas' tongue to ask him what it had been that had thrown Dean into the period he was in now. Cas knew that Sam knew what it was. He just didn't know if that was his place, to ask Sam. He should wait for Dean to tell him. "I would ask you what it was, but it's not my place to ask you right now. Dean should tell me himself when he's ready. I'm trying to do the best I can to make him feel better. And I know that there's not much that will right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do and it's killing me." Cas said, and he knew that his pain was evident in his voice. "It hurts so much that I can see him in all this pain and not know what to do. I feel so helpless, not able to do anything. I don't know how to help my own husband." Cas said, as his chin started to wobble. He was about to lose it.
He started to cry, and Sam stepped forward, reaching out and touching Cas' shoulder. Cas cried for a moment before he said, "It hurts me so much to see him like this and not be able to help." Cas was thinking that he might need his own medication. It was making him feel helpless so much so that it was reminding him of the last times he felt that way. Since that was when he lost his parents and when he was attacked in high school. Cas was sure that Sam didn't know about the attack. Cas wasn't sure he could get through that right now. It was going to make him even more upset. Cas sniffled and cried some more. "Sam, I can't tell you why, but I have felt this way twice in my life before. I can't feel this way and help Dean right now." Cas said, his voice was shaking. He didn't know that he could get through this.
"It's getting so hard, Sam."
When Sam heard Cas' voice breaking on that last sentence, his heart fell into pieces. Sam knew that this might be the end of him feeling numb. Because he felt so awful for Cas and how he felt right now. "I'm so sorry that this is affecting you this way. I would never want that. You need to be able to lean on someone too. I know that Dean would be so upset if he knew how upset you are over this. He'd feel like it was his fault." Sam knew that that was true. Even if he knew that it wasn't true. Dean couldn't help how he felt, and neither could Cas. Sam couldn't imagine going through what Dean and Cas were. He knew that it might happen, he knew there was something big that Jo hadn't told him yet. Sam just wanted her to tell him when she was ready. All of this was weighing hard on Cas and Dean, and Sam couldn't imagine how hard that must be for them. He felt anger at the person who shot Bobby for doing this to all of them.
He reached out and hugged Cas then, who cried on his shoulder. Sam was so glad that Cas was letting him in, letting him help him. He didn't want Cas to be having to feel all of this alone, not be able to lean on Dean. Sam wasn't blaming Dean for that. He was so wrapped up in his own pain, and he got why that was. This was Bobby. He had been a constant in Dean's life for his entire life and then he was just gone. Sam didn't know how any of them were dealing with this. But especially Dean, who actually felt things much harder than he let people see. Sam knew that Dean was someone who prided on keeping his emotions to himself. Sam knew that it was just how a lot of Texan men were. He didn't really doubt that that wasn't going to change. Because he knew that Dean had Cas. Cas was all he needed in order to talk about things. How he felt.
Leaning back, Sam said, "You can talk to me whenever you need to, and I won't ever tell Dean what you say if you don't want me to. I know that not everything needs to be told. I don't want to make him feel worse about anything, either." Sam knew how much worse Dean would feel.
It was all true, what Sam was saying. Cas looked into Sam's eyes. "I know that I can talk to you." Cas said. He did know. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say now. If he went any further than what he was doing right now he would never be able to calm down. He brushed his hand across his throat as he worked to calm down. He managed to mostly, and reached for a paper towel to wipe his eyes. He had to calm down, or Dean would lose it too and it would just be a disaster. Cas was trying to avoid that, it was the first family event since Bobby, he wanted it to at least go semi normal, especially what with it being Frankie's birthday.
Before Sam could say anything more, Dean approached them. "Hey, baby." Cas said, putting on a weak smile and leaning to kiss Dean. Cas knew he could tell something was off though. Cas heard him ask Sam to give them a minute, and Sam walked off. Then he was alone with Dean. Cas looked into those green eyes, and they were watching him curiously, and they had a knowing look in them. Cas knew he was about to ask him what was going on. Cas felt like a deer in the headlights, because he knew that he couldn't tell Dean what he'd been talking to Sam about. Not right now. When he was feeling better, yeah, but not now. "What is it, baby?" Cas asked, finally acknowledging that he had heard Dean asking Sam to give them a minute.
Dean reached out and brushed some hair off Cas' forehead. "Cas, I know you. I know you better than anyone, and I know when you're upset. You were talking to Sam and you were crying. I know how bad off I am right now, and I know that you think you can't tell me things. You can though. If I'm leaning on you, you should be able to lean on me, okay?" Dean asked, and Cas looked at him, his chin trembling. Dean knew that he was working on replying to him. Dean didn't know what Cas was going to do, but he was determined to get the answer out of him. Dean knew that he was going to feel even worse if Cas was upset and he wasn't given the chance to help him.
"You have to tell me what's going on. I know you think it's going to hurt me, but not knowing what's going on with you makes it worse. I know me being this upset has to be killing you. You must be feeling so…" Dean stopped. He looked into Cas' eyes, he was struggling to hold back tears. Dean brushed some of them off Cas' cheek, a view rouge ones that escaped. Dean leaned out and kissed Cas softly. "I love you, Castiel Winchester, and I want you to tell me when you're feeling helpless. When you're feeling so lost that you don't know what to do. Because you know how much I love you and I want you to be able to tell me things." Dean didn't even begin to know how Cas must be feeling, from experience, and he wasn't trying to know. But he wanted Cas to let him in, to help him when he was feeling this upset.
When Dean guessed what was going on with him, Cas didn't know what to say. He knew his silence confirmed it. Dean was right. Cas brushed his hand through his hair and then started to cry, unable to help himself. The fact that Dean was trying to make him feel better when he was so messed up really got to Cas. He knew how much Dean loved him, and this was completely showing him just that fact. Cas knew that Dean needed him to confirm it. He nodded slightly. He didn't know how he'd let this happen, Dean had asked him to help him from getting so upset and here he was, crying. "Come on, we have to go inside. I don't want Frankie to see." Cas said, and reached down and slipped his hand into Dean's, leading him inside the house, going to the kitchen.
When they were safely inside the kitchen, Cas turned to Dean, who was sliding his arms around Cas' waist. Cas was quiet, letting Dean's warm arms wrap around him before he started talking. "Dean, I know that you need to feel this right now. I know that. I'm not trying to tell you that you can't. It's just incredibly hard for me to see you like this and not be able to do anything about it." He took a breath, needing the pause. Dean just looked at him patiently. Cas sniffled. His arms were slid around Dean's neck. Cas stroked the hair at the nape of his neck, because it helped calm him when he was upset. The bonus was Dean liked it. Cas finally started speaking again. "I feel so helpless, and it's just reminding me of the other times that I've felt that way and it's just really hard to keep going right now."
Dean's eyes widened. "Wait, this…. I'm causing you to have flashbacks of how you felt when…." He stopped. He didn't have to say it. They both knew. He felt sick to his stomach. "Cas… I can't…. I can't be here if it's going to make you feel that way." Dean hated that this was happening, but he had to go. Cas' eyes took him in, and he was crying. Dean hated that he'd done that to him. "I'm sorry, Cas, but I can't stick around here right now and see you so messed up and not being able to do anything about it." The words that were coming out of his mouth were wrong, but Dean knew that he meant them. He would feel so much worse if he was here and causing Cas to feel like he did when that woman had attacked him.
Cas immediately started to freak out when Dean was talking. He let go of Cas and moved to the stairs, muttering about something, getting clothes together and going somewhere else till he felt better. Cas was aching, he didn't think, scratch that, he knew he couldn't get along if Dean was staying somewhere other than here. "Dean! Please! We're married. I want you here, please don't go!" He pleaded, following after him. They got to the bedroom, and Dean reached for his battered duffle bag and started filling it with stuff. Cas reached out and stilled his hands. "Please, Dean, I can't do this if you aren't here! I can't, I will die every day I don't wake up next to you." It was true, and his chin was wobbling and tears fell off his face.
It was actually a few minutes, but it felt like seconds as Dean shook off Cas' hands and finished filling the bag, running down the stairs, and out the door. Cas had followed him down the stairs, and he stood now, staring at the door Dean had left open. He knew that Dean was trying to do the right thing, but it wasn't the right thing. Cas felt this huge hole now and he was trying to breathe. "Dad!" Cas yelled, hoping John could hear him in the backyard, as he started to have trouble breathing, and then everything went black.
Author's note: Whoops. I'm sorry. I'M SO SORRY. I promise, this too shall pass, I don't plan to drag it out. Again, this was not the plan. Unfortunately, it happened. This fic has taken me so many places, and I feel it's not done with that just yet. I hope ya'll are hanging in!