Chapter Sixteen: I Know You're Out There
John heard a yell and ran through the house, his cop skills taking over. He found his son in law in the foyer, passed out on the floor. John immediately went to him, and pulled out a phone, calling into Dispatch that he needed a bus. It didn't look like Cas was beaten, so John was going to guess it was something internal. Possibly he fainted. Then John noticed the open door. He called out, "Dean?!" He knew that his son would want to know about this. He didn't hear anything, but the rest of the family came in to see what had happened. John asked if they'd seen Dean. No one had. Charlie looked upset when she saw Cas on the floor.
The ambulance got there pretty quickly, and by the time they had, Cas was starting to come to from the water John had gotten someone to toss on him. John didn't know what he expected Cas to say, but it wasn't what he was saying. That Dean had gotten upset, packed a bag, and had left. John knew that Dean wouldn't leave Cas without a good reason. John looked at Cas, and tried to get him to calm down. They were checking his vitals, Cas still leaned against John on the floor. John rubbed Cas' arm. "Honey, what did you mean when you said that Dean left?" He asked, he didn't want to further upset him, but his cop brain had to know why this had happened. John was trying to make sense of this, and he had to know if Cas had really meant that he left. Left for good.
When Cas heard John ask him the question, at first, he wasn't sure if he heard him correctly. He could hear Frankie calling his name, and Cas wished he could answer her. He couldn't really focus on anything. He lay there, listening to the EMTs, who were looking him over, trying to determine why he'd passed out. Cas knew it was because of a panic attack. His voice was hoarse as he started to talk, John having to quiet down everyone so they could hear his words. "I was having a discussion with my husband. Something came to light, that he didn't know, and he got upset and went to pack a bag and…. Leave."
His words were punctuated by sobs, it was still so insane. Dean had left. He had taken off. Cas still couldn't wrap his mind around it. "He said he loved me, but he had to go because of this thing that came to light. It hurts me, see, and he thinks it's because of him. So he's thinking that he's saving me by removing himself until he's…. More able to be here." Cas knew it was hard to explain without telling them what had conspired exactly. But Cas couldn't say the words. He couldn't tell everyone what had happened to him. He looked up at John. He could tell John. John would listen and he would keep Cas' secret. He suspected that John might already know, he was sure Dean might have called to get advice. If he did know, Cas wasn't going to be upset. Dean needed someone to talk to about all of this, too.
"Dad, I have to talk to you, alone." Cas said, his eyes boring into John's, as meaningful as he could make them.
When the EMTs had determined he was fine, and wasn't in need of a hospital, they left, making them promise to make sure to keep Castiel hydrated for the rest of the day. John helped Cas into the living room, and the others took Frankie outside to have some cake and try to answer her questions and help her in any way they could. John looked at Cas, who was sipping a glass of ice water. He didn't want to rush Cas. "Cas, you know that you can tell me anything. I know there's more to this than meets the eye. Dean would never leave you." This was said with absolute certainty, and without any qualms of doubt.
John honestly believed that Dean would do anything to avoid hurting Cas, and he was sure that that was not what had happened. John reached out and touched Cas' shoulder, and was surprised when Cas reached out for that hand and held it, settling their joined hands on his knee. John looked at him, ever patient. He knew that it would come out when Cas was ready. He wondered if this had to do with Cas' attack. He didn't want to assume, bit you never knew. John knew that Cas hadn't told anyone but Dean, and honestly, he had been waiting for Cas to tell him about it, ask him questions. Maybe this is when it was going to happen.
Once his fingers were laced with John's, Cas knew that he might have the strength to tell him this. He started talking, telling John how it had started, back in high school. Cas went through everything he'd ever felt, and how it had all been coming back in the last few months since he'd met Dean. Cas didn't know what he was going to do when he got to the part about leaving. It was still so hard to even consider. But it got to that part, Cas was now telling him what he'd been talking about with Sam. John's face went through several emotions while Cas was talking, and one of them was anguish, and right now, that was it. Cas knew it was because of the way Dean was taking Bobby's death. And how it was affecting everyone else. Cas' voice shook when he got to the part about Dean filling his duffel bag.
"He said he'd…. He said that he'd be back. He didn't say it was forever….. But, Dad, I can't get through an hour without him, let alone however long this is going to be." Cas said, and he wished that he could turn back time and change so many things, butterfly effect be damned. He ached so much for Dean, there was no end in sight. Cas fell quiet with the part where he'd called for him and didn't remember anything else. Cas knew that this couldn't be the end of their story. They had children together. Cas wanted Dean here so much, he hadn't expected Dean to take it this way. He'd known that he'd be upset, but Cas had never expected him to leave like that. Wasn't this killing him? Like it was Cas? He felt like the world was over. Cas could hardly even breathe, it ached so much.
That was the wildest thing John had ever heard, but he knew that Cas wasn't making it up. He couldn't fake the way he was feeling now. He could tell that was true anguish. John reached out and hugged him tightly. Tears brushed his own eyes. He couldn't believe this. "I will go and talk to him, Castiel. I won't let him do this to you." John understood why Dean had done what he'd done, but he had to be told that Cas wanted him back home. That this wasn't the way to go about things. John had to pause for a moment while he gathered his thoughts. John was so disappointed in Dean right now, even if he could understand why he'd done what he'd done. "I'll make him listen, Cas. I can get him to come home." He honestly didn't know how Dean could have left Cas, even if he was trying not to hurt Cas. It was just hard to see him doing this.
John pulled back, and looked into Cas' eyes. "I'll find him right now if you like. I will make sure that he knows that you want him to come back home. I am so sorry that he did this to you, son." John didn't know how this had happened. He looked into Cas' eyes, and he wasn't able to keep the emotion out of his voice or his eyes. They began to leak tears. "Was he really that upset about….. About Bobby? Was he really playing the vinyl Zeppelin?" He asked, he knew how serious that pain was, if that was the case. Cas didn't answer vocally, but he did nod. John sighed, he hadn't wanted it to be that serious. John wished he could do something, but he knew that there wasn't much to be said while Dean was in this kind of pain.
Brushing his hand across his face, wiping off the tears, Cas said, "Anything you could do Dad I would be grateful for." Cas' voice was wobbling and he was trying to keep from losing it again. But he knew it was entirely possible, because Dean wasn't here. It hurt every time he thought of it, which was every time he took a breath. John asked him what hotel Dean had gone to, and Cas said, he was pretty sure it was the Red Roof Inn, it was the hotel that was closest to the house. Cas assumed that was to make it easier shuffling Frankie back and forth if that was indeed what he was doing. Cas wasn't sure he wanted to examine it too closely, because he really didn't want to know how long Dean was planning on being away from him. Cas sniffled and John moved to head off, texting Dean on the way. Cas sniffled more, as tears slipped off his chin.
That was when Sam poked his head in the room. "Cas? Are you…. Can you talk to Frankie? She's scared and she said she needs you." Sam said, wondering what Cas was going to say. He could tell that Cas was a total hot mess right now. Not that Sam blamed him. He and Dean loved each other so much, it had to be torture to be away from Dean right now. Sam looked down at his phone, he'd texted his brother to ask him what he'd been thinking, leaving like that, and hadn't got an answer back. Sam was sure that it was because he was feeling guilty for what he'd done, and honestly, Sam wasn't sure he shouldn't be, at least a little.
Cas looked up, and Sam could see the pain in his eyes. Sam wished he could take it all away, he really did. Sam stepped into the room cautiously, not exactly sure what Cas would want. Him inside or not. Sam brushed his hand through his long hair. He kept Cas' gaze, and he wished that there was something that he could say that would make this better. He wasn't sure that there was. Because no matter what he said, ultimately, Dean was still off at a hotel instead of here with his family. Sam didn't know how he could have done this, Sam knew it wasn't because he didn't love Cas anymore. Sam knew that would never happen. He was still so cautious, and finally, he asked, "If you can't I understand. It's…. This is insane."
It was more than insane, it was impossible. Cas brushed his hand over his stubble and then looked at Sam tiredly. "I will talk to her, she deserves to know what is going on, at least, what I can tell her, from her father." Cas didn't know if he couldn't be angry at Dean for leaving and not even saying goodbye to Frankie. Dean may have been upset but it was her birthday and he'd left. Cas met Sam's eye and then Frankie came in, running across the room and crawling up into his lap, crying. Cas put his arms around her, pissed as hell at Dean for doing this to her. Cas brushed his hand across her face, wiping tears away. "I promise, Frankie, Daddy and I will work this out, okay? We just had a fight." They hadn't, really, but as smart as Frankie was, she was still four. She didn't need to understand what adult reasons had gone into this.
"But Papa, it's my birthday, and Daddy ran off. Is he mad at me? Is he mad because you guys got me Diana?" The puppy hadn't left Frankie's side since Dean had walked out, and she was sitting in the corner now watching Frankie. Cas wished that he could do something to help her. Help her feel better. "Do you want to sleep with Papa tonight? Diana can too if you want." Cas knew that he couldn't refuse her if she did, if she was too afraid or upset to sleep by herself he wanted to make sure that she knew that she could. It was too hard to think of her afraid and alone in her room when she could easily sleep with Cas. He could tell by the look in her face that she was going to say yes. She gave him a small nod.
Cas pulled her closer and hugged her, letting her cry into his shoulder. They stayed that way for awhile, and then everyone started cleaning up, and then it was everyone leaving, and then it was just Claire, Frankie, Cas, and Diana all alone. Claire had opted to stay in the room also with her father and sister, and so all of them were buried in Cas and Dean's king size bed, watching a stupid movie on television while they ate cookies and leftover pizza. Cas wondered what this was going to do, how long this was going to go on. He looked at his phone, wishing that Dean would text him back, letting him know if he was going to come home or not. Cas desperately wanted him to come home.
Meanwhile, Dean was wearing Cas' Columbia summer pjs, shorts and a tee shirt, and he was standing at the doorway to his hotel room, looking at John with tears streaming out of his eyes. Dean knew why John was here. He'd ordered Mexican and it was in the room with him. Honestly Dean was only eating because he knew that if he was home with Cas, he'd be making sure that he was eating. Dean finally stepped aside so that John could come in, and Dean closed the door behind him. He waited until John was sitting on the bed opposite to the one that Dean had claimed, the sheets were already a bit tangled and there was a pie sitting in a pie plate in the middle of the bed. He sat down and reached for some tacos, offering his father the bag. John turned it down.
Taking a bite of a soft taco, Dean chewed before he started speaking. He'd been taught good manners. Dean brushed his hand across his stubbly cheek and looked at his father. "Dad, I know why you're here. You're going to tell me to go home to my husband. You have no idea how much I want to do that." He said, and it was true. Dean ached to go back home, back to Cas. Dean knew this was the right thing though. He wasn't going to be the one to make Cas feel like he had when that bitch had attacked him. Dean couldn't live with himself if he was the one to make Cas feel that way, make him so sick that he had to stay in bed all day. Dean moved his glance away from his father as he spoke again. "I can't listen to a lecture right now, Dad. I am NOT going to be the reason that Cas gets sick. That he has to be in bed all day, because he's feeling like he did when that…. That woman attacked him."
He could never live with himself if that happened. Not when he could stop it. "It's not forever, okay? It's only until I am feeling better about Bobby, so that Cas doesn't feel so helpless around me." He knew that his father was still going to lecture him, temporary or not.
"All of that is very admirable, Dean. Believe it or not, as disappointed as I am in you that you left, I get why. You think this is going to protect Castiel. But did you ever think how much your being gone is going to hurt him? I saw him, Dean, not only did he pass out, but he can barely breathe it hurts so much that you left." John watched as Dean's eyes brushed with fresh tears. John didn't know how Dean was living with this decision. He didn't know because he knew that this was hurting Dean was much as it was Cas. And Dean didn't have his medication, so he couldn't lean on it if he needed it. And honestly, John didn't think there was any harm in that. Dean had been through so much in his life, and he needed something to help him get through it. There was no shame in that. A real man asked for help when he needed it.
He didn't want to toss this in Dean's face. But he knew that he had to. "And Frankie, it's her birthday, and you just left. Do you know how much she's hurting right now?" He hated to remind Dean that he'd hurt Frankie. He knew how hard Dean was already taking everything else. Unfortunately true to form, Dean's face took on a pained expression as it hit him that he had hurt his daughter. "Claire hasn't even said anything she's so upset. We didn't tell them the reason that you were gone. I didn't think it was prudent. Frankie doesn't know either, just thinks that you and Castiel had a fight." John didn't know how he was going to wrap his mind around this, because it was completely impossible.
That's when he looked at Dean. "Dean, why didn't tell me that you're so bad off? I know that you must think you're trying to save my feelings, but you're not. If you're that upset, I want to know so that I can help." It was true, it was all he wanted.
The fact that he hurt Frankie was so hard for Dean to hear. He would have died before he'd hurt that little girl. "Oh Dad, I can't believe I did that." Dean said, as he reached for some tissues to wipe his eyes. Dean picked up a fork and dug into the pie, it was blackberry. Dean would eat just about any pie known to man. They were all good. Dean brushed his hand across his chin, his whole entire body aching with pain. "When is this never ending torment going to be over? I just, I feel pain every second of every day. I can't even muster up the energy to eat. I just… there's so much pain that I can't think of anything else. Bobby was taken from us. He didn't just die. He was murdered."
This still felt like foreign words to say when in connection with Bobby. Dean didn't know how to do this, he didn't know how to be without him. Dean took a healthy bite of the pie. "Dad, it's not fair, none of it. What did I ever do to God? I had my mom taken from me, I had a bad heart and nearly died so many times I almost didn't make it to 35, almost 36." Dean knew now that he was going to be 36, and it was a feeling that he'd never thought in a million years he'd get to have. And all of this pain was taking away from that joy. He couldn't even feel the joy that he got to be alive because Bobby didn't. It was too hard to think about, too hard to be happy about. He sniffled a bit before he spoke again. "Dad, I can't even be happy that I finally get to live because Bobby doesn't. And someone decided that we didn't deserve to have him anymore."
He left off the unspoken part that he knew that this was because of Balthazar. Dean didn't know how they were going to prove it just yet, but that was completely what he believed. Dean kept his eyes on John then, not sure what else he could say. It was just so much pain that Dean couldn't even see the light at the end of the tunnel. Dean's throat was full of a lump and he swallowed hard before he said, "Dad, is…. Is Cas really that hurt that I left?" He asked, knowing that he'd upset Cas that much was making him doubt his decision to leave. Maybe he should have stayed.
John had to admit, he was glad when Dean asked what he did about Cas being hurt. That was a good sign, that Dean was finally realizing that he had done the wrong thing. When Dean asked him whatever he'd done to God, John had to admit that he had the wind knocked out of him with that question. Dean had never once complained about anything that he'd been dealt. He was more of complain about the food that was on the table or what lack of pie there was or something. Dean wasn't one to complain and say why me about things. It hurt John quite a bit to hear that. He couldn't blame Dean though, because honestly, Dean had had a very hard lot in life. It wasn't really fair. They all had, their family had had hit after hit.
"It sucks right now. I know that. Dean, I promise you, that you did nothing to warrant any of this. Okay? And God isn't torturing you. Stuff just happens sometimes that you can't control. It's the law of the universe, son. And yeah, it sucks what happened to Bobby. But I promise you, we'll get that bastard, especially if it was Balthazar." John honestly was really starting to believe the theory, and that worried him. Mostly because as a cop you couldn't let yourself get that focused on someone, especially when it was just a feeling and you had nothing to back it up. "The pain will get better. I know it will never fully go away, but you will eventually feel like you can get on with your life."
Then it came to the question about Cas. John looked at Dean, directly in the eyes, he wanted Dean to know how serious he was. "Dean, I promise you, he really is that hurt. He wants you home with your family. With him. He loves you, Dean. I can't promise he's not pissed about what happened, but I know that he hurts so much he can't breathe." He didn't know what he was going to say to convince Dean that he'd done the wrong thing if the words he'd said so far weren't enough. Dean needed to know what his leaving had done to his husband. "Please, Dean, just go back home. I promise you, that's all your family wants. You back home."
The words that John said were the right ones. Because Dean was aching so much that he'd hurt them all like that. Dean knew that he had to go home. "Oh Dad, it's just so fucking hard!" He yelled, and there was a knock on the wall from the adjoining wall. Dean just banged back, not even caring if whoever was in there was pissed. Dean wiped his eyes, only to have fresh tears fall. He knew that it was going to be hard without Bobby. But Dean knew then that as much as it hurt, he had to find some way past it, because now he was in a hotel room with his father instead of home with his husband and children. Dean was quiet a moment, as he remembered what it had been like the last time he'd been like this.
It had been the baby. Dean had been so excited about that baby. It had been a total accident, but Dean hadn't been able to hold back his joy at the possibility of a baby. Dean had been 20 years old, and he'd been totally in love with the girl he'd been with. Dean remembered her name, the way she looked, everything about her. The baby hadn't even been showing the gender yet, it had been miscarried when Annalisa had been in her eighth week. She'd only been two months pregnant. Dean hadn't brought it up when listing what had happened to him, because he'd actually never spoken of it to anyone. Dean had taken his year to get back to being among the living and then had never spoken of it again.
He lifted his eyes to John's. "Dad, what would I do without you?" He wiped his cheeks and moved to start putting things back into his duffel. "You know, I was thinking about the baby." He said, and that made his father freeze.
Dean had never brought up the baby before. Especially around John. It had been a sore subject at the time, even if Dean had been over the moon about it. He cleared his throat, trying to gather his thoughts on what Dean had said. It had been hard to lose that baby, even if it had been a sore subject. John had seen how much Dean had been ready for that baby. He'd asked Annalisa to marry him, and she had said no. John honestly wasn't sure that she had wanted the baby in the first place. He'd been sure that Dean would end up with the baby and raising it alone. He had been worried about that possibility, he wasn't going to deny it. He honestly thought that Dean had been the one to worry about that too. He'd seen how indifferent his girlfriend had seemed about the baby.
He cleared his throat again, and finally spoke. His tone was weak, weaker than he normally would have let himself sound around his sons. John preferred to try and not let them see how weak he could be, especially when he was aching with pain for something that had happened to him. He said, "Dean, I am so sorry that you have to carry that pain around with you." John didn't know how it felt from personal experience, but he knew that it was one of the hardest things you could go through in your life. John knew not to go and touch Dean, he'd lose it completely and he was trying to keep it in check. He didn't want to make things harder on Dean than he had to. Especially since he was going back home to his family.
That year that Dean had been wallowing had been hard for all of them. But John had known that he was never going to get over the loss of that grandbaby. He had always known that Dean would be an amazing father, and truthfully, it was because of Bobby. He knew that and as much as he hated it, he couldn't be angry, because he'd been the one who had needed Bobby to help him with his boys. There was no way John would have been able to raise them himself. Not without them being latchkey and daycare kids. John would always be grateful to Bobby for being there for his sons.
"And Dean, I promise, Cas is that upset."
It was the nail in the coffin, and Dean had to hold back the pain and tears that wanted to come roaring up and make themselves known. Dean brushed his hand over his chin again, and he noted that he was really the one who had fucked up royally. He had walked away from Cas when Cas needed him the most, and Dean wished that he could take that back. It was at least the one big mistake he'd made that could be reversed. He stood then, all of his things in the duffle. He tossed away the food trash, and gathered up the remains of the pie. There was no way he was leaving without that. Dean would never willingly leave pie. He lifted his green eyes to his father's brown ones, with the flecks of green, and he wondered if he should tell him that Bobby and Ellen had slept together. It truthfully wouldn't necessarily change anything, and John might get mad enough to break up with Ellen, and Dean honestly didn't want that. He didn't want to keep it from him any longer if he didn't have to though. Although on the other hand, why sully John's memory of Bobby if he didn't have to. He didn't know what he was going to do if he ruined his dad's memory of Bobby.
Meeting his father's eye head on, and he wondered again how he would get along without John. Dean cleared his own throat before he spoke. "Dad, I know that you are. It's something that I hope you never have to know the pain of, and I hope you haven't already." Dean wasn't one to think that his father had been a monk until he'd gotten together with Mary. Dean didn't know that he'd have respected him more if he had. He thought that John was a man who was a good one, even if he had had some sex that was one night stands. He wished that there was something he could do to go back and change things though. Butterfly Effect be damned. That had been a good movie, if horribly sad. Dean could see the point of angst though, no one was going to get through life without it.
There was a look, and Dean knew that John was getting the point that Dean was saying thank you for everything he had ever done for him. Dean knew there was nothing he could do to ever pay him back. John had been the best father that he'd known to be. Dean wasn't going to be someone who was going to judge him for things that he couldn't control. Dean knew that there was some things Sam was holding against him.
It was something that John had been glad had never happened to him. He knew that it was something that had the potential to happen to anyone. It's something that John knew that Dean had realized too, and that it hadn't been his fault. Dean was one to take a lot of things to be his fault, and most of the time, it wasn't. John finally clamped his hand on Dean's shoulder, he needed to comfort him, it was going to help him feel better too. John looked at Dean, and he wished that he could fix everything with magic. Dean was taking things so hard. John cleared his throat, there was unshed tears there. John said, "I know how hard all of this has been. This was the right decision, deciding to go back to your family." It was a world full of greys, nothing was black and white.
When Dean got back to the house, it was about nine o'clock. He wasn't sure if he should call out or not, so he just went upstairs. He found his family in his bed, they were all asleep. Dean put his bag down by the closet and moved over to the bed, glad that Cas was on one of the sides and not in the middle. It would be hard to talk to him without waking up one of the girls. He brushed his fingers through Cas' hair, and he whispered, "Cas? Cas, it's me." Dean was rewarded with Cas' eyes opening and taking on a shocked look. His mouth actually made an O. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry that I left. I was just trying to protect you." It was true, but it still hurt that he'd hurt Cas like that.
Cas wasn't sure what to say to Dean when he saw him. He grabbed some empty paper plates as he moved out of the bed. He wanted to talk about this when the kids weren't in the room. He jerked his head, indicating that Dean should follow him, and headed downstairs to the kitchen to throw the trash away. When he reached the kitchen, he put the trash in the trashcan and then turned around to look at Dean. "So, love, you were just going to go off and leave me?" Cas asked, as he turned to face him. He hadn't planned on being angry when Dean came back, but honestly, he was a bit. Cas folded his arms, and Dean looked back at him, letting out a breath. He was sorry that it had to be this way. He didn't want to just let Dean off the hook when he was mad about what had happened.
"Dean, do you know how much that hurt me?" Cas asked, his heart pounding in his chest. He was so nervous to do this, he and Dean had never really fought before. He didn't really know how this was going to go but it wasn't going to stop him from being himself. He folded his arms tightly as he looked at Dean. "And Frankie, and Claire. You left them without even saying goodbye." Cas didn't know why he had even had to deal with this, he had never imagined in the whole entire world that Dean would leave, ever. Dean was Cas' husband, and Cas had never thought that he'd have to lose Dean, even if it had been temporary. His eyes were filling with angry tears. He truly was angry, too. "I ought to slap you!" He said, his voice sharp, and he wished that he could yell without waking the girls.
"I'm so sorry, Cas, honestly. You know that I never would have hurt you on purpose. I just was trying to protect you. I wish that I had been able to. I really really do. I'm back, and I promise, I won't leave again. You have no reason to trust me, other than I've never lied to you. There's stuff you don't know, but it's more of me not being ready to talk about it, not because I want to exclude you or I don't trust you." Dean knew that that had been a concern. Dean also knew that Cas was going to forgive him, he just had to go through his paces first. It was their first real fight, they didn't really fight that often. Dean thought that was a little weird, because everyone fought, but not them. Dean took a deep breath before he continued speaking.
He wasn't sure what Cas was feeling and he didn't know what to do about that. Dean almost always knew what he was thinking. Dean stepped closer, and Cas allowed him to put his arms around his waist. That was a good sign. "I know that we've never really fought before. I don't know what the protocol is here. We've never really had to make up. Well I promise you, Cas, I'm going to get better. I'm going to really work and try and stop feeling like this all the time." Dean told him, as firmly as he could. He wanted Cas to know how serious he was. Dean had never been more serious in his life. "I love you, Cas, I really do, and you know that. I wasn't even surviving without you, it's good that Dad came to talk to me, actually."
"I know you told him it was okay, and I'm not mad about that. I needed to hear all of that."
He let him wrap his arms around Cas' waist, and he knew that it was the right thing to do, it was the thing that made his heart start beating again. Cas had known that it had been barely hanging on when Dean wasn't here, and Cas hadn't known for sure that he was coming back. Cas hated that he was melting already. He had been really steamed. He brushed his hand across Dean's neck, his arms slid around Dean's neck. "I love you so much, Dean. I really do. It hurt me so much that you were gone." Cas hadn't felt that much pain in a long time. If there was a silver lining, it was that this had taught him what being without Dean was like and he knew that he couldn't do it. He knew that he wasn't strong enough. Cas was going to do what he could to keep Dean. He was never going to do something that might cost him his husband. Cas knew that this was the love of his life now more than ever.
"You aren't completely out of the woods. You have to make this up to Frankie. Your daughter was terrified that you were gone. I know she only fell asleep because he was exhausted, and Claire had to take a sleeping pill." Cas knew Dean would hate that, he didn't want their kids to be taking medications. He didn't know what he was going to do though, sometimes you just had to be prepared. Cas looked into those green eyes, and he knew that Dean was going to do whatever he had to, and that was making Cas very glad that he had found Dean. Even if Dean had just given him the worst pain of his life. He knew that Dean hadn't done it to hurt him deliberately. He had to admit, that was what was getting him to give in and forgive Dean.
"I promise, baby, I will do whatever I can to make it up to her. Anything she wants, it was totally selfish of me." Dean knew that Frankie would forgive him, that was just the kind of girl that she was. She loved her parents. He wished that he could take it back. He took a deep breath. He was going to have to tell Cas about the baby one of these days. It was something that Dean had made his peace with, even if he didn't like having to talk about it. But he wanted to share all of his life with Cas, including the parts of his life he'd rather forget. This world wasn't just black and white. There were so many shades of grey.
Did you lose what won't return
Did you love but never learn?
The fire's out but it still burns
And no one cares, there's no one there
Did you find it hard to breathe?
Did you cry so much that you could barely see?
In the darkness all alone
And no one cares, there's no one there
Well did you see the flares in the sky?
Were you blinded by the light?
Did you feel the smoke in your eyes?
Did you, did you?
Did you see the sparks fill with hope?
You are not alone
Cause someone's out there, sending out flares
Did you break but never mend?
Did it hurt so much you thought it was the end?
Lose your heart but don't know when
And no one cares, there's no one there
Author's note: So I don't know where all the writing on this fic is coming from, and this happens to be one of the ones I started on gdocs, as opposed to writing it in a notebook. Easier to update when you just have to type the words. Not write it out first and THEN type it up. But it doesn't really matter, this is where the muses' focus is. I am not sure if I'll get another update up soon, but it's very possible, lots of Destiel feels EVERYWHERE.