Chapter Twenty: Tell Me You Love Me
Cas stared at his phone. Why did shit keep happening to him like this? Well, that sounded selfish, he supposed. This had happened to Michael. His brother and his boyfriend had just died in a car accident. He and Dean were at the hospital now, apparently Cas had been Michael's emergency contact. Cas wasn't sure why that was. He wasn't exactly in Michael's life. Why wouldn't it have been Gabriel? Although knowing what he did now, he supposed that made sense. Cas was trying to text his daughter to tell her what happened, why they were at the hospital. She was home with Jamie and Frankie. They'd gone with Jamie as his nickname. Dean had insisted, he said no one was called 'James' all the time. Cas was someone to agree with that assessment.
Sighing, he met his husband's eyes. "I know, Dean, I have to actually type something." He said, anticipating what his husband, his old school barely know how to text husband, was going to say. Cas wasn't one to assume to know what people were going to say, but this time he had a good idea. Cas brushed his free hand through his black hair, trying to think of how to tell this to Claire. He knew that he still hadn't spoken to her about having a relationship with Michael that no one knew about. It had been two weeks since they'd gotten James, and he hadn't been able to bring himself to bring it up to her. He didn't know what to say. He was hurt, a lot hurt, that she'd been in contact with Michael since she was little and he hadn't known anything about her but that she existed.
Dean sighed and put his arm around Cas' waist, tugging him close. "Baby, you don't have to know what to say. I know you're upset that your brother was in her life and you weren't. But you don't know to what capacity it was. Maybe Gabriel didn't know about it. Maybe it was a thing she was keeping secret. You don't need to freak out about it yet. You don't have any details. You need to sit Claire down and talk to her about all of it. She loves you, Cas. She'll tell you what happened. I don't know why she hasn't before now, but maybe she was trying to spare your feelings." It was a total and complete Claire thing to do, to save someone's feelings from being hurt. Dean didn't know where she got it from, with parents like she had to grow up with.
Stroking Cas' arm, he said, "I know it's one more thing on our already full plate. I know that. We can handle this, baby. I know you think we can't. But we can. As tragic as it is, your brother wasn't in your life anymore. He only was recently because he wanted to give you his child. Why don't you see that as the bad thing that it is? Now, granted, Jamie's a baby and he never has to know that you're not his dad biologically. Other than being his uncle. But who doesn't want to raise their own baby? What kind of person does that? Cas, I would give literally anything to have my baby alive. To have it have been alive this whole time."
Tears brushed his eyes as he spoke.
Cas turned in his arms so he was looking at Dean. "Baby… I'm so sorry." He said, forgetting everything that he was feeling about Claire and Michael. Cas reached up and brushed tears off his husband's face. "I can understand that to a degree. I really can. I am so sorry that you lost a baby, Dean. I know that the pain of that is never going to go away." Cas mostly tried not to think about him and his ex losing the baby they'd thought they were going to get to take home. Cas didn't think it counted as much as going through a miscarriage like Dean had. Even if Dean insisted that it did. He didn't know what he was going to say to make Dean feel better. He got why Michael giving them James was bringing up all the old feelings again. And he'd already been through that when Bobby had been murdered.
His husband started to really cry, and Cas immediately tugged him fully into his arms and stroked his back. He wondered if Dean had been holding this in since they were given Jamie. Cas knew that he would never know what it was like to have to go through a miscarriage. He'd never been with a woman and unless they got a surrogate it just wouldn't happen. Cas knew suggesting Dean go and see someone wouldn't be met well, but he could suggest that Dean take some of his medication. He still had refills on it. And it might help, as much as he knew that Dean wasn't going to want to take it. He thought it mellowed him out too much.
"When we get home, you're taking one of your pills. I know you don't want to but you need to calm down, and there's nothing wrong with taking medication." Cas knew that Dean would object. "I don't care what you have to say. You are going to take one. You don't have to deal with this stuff alone. Your drugs can help you. That's what you have them for. They will help you get through all of this baby pain. No one will think less of you for having to use it." Cas knew that there wasn't going to be anyone looking down on him for needing help. Dean was such a proud person. It was hard for him to accept help or look weak.
More tears brimmed in his eyes as he thought over what Cas had said. Dean didn't want to have to use them, but he knew that Cas was right. "No, you're right, baby. I should take some. I'll take them if you get them." He still didn't want to know where they were. Less temptation that way. Dean brushed his hand across his face, wiping his tears off. He was wishing that he hadn't gotten so sad. But this was just reminding him of all the pain he'd been through that had nearly broken him. Dean was just hoping that that kind of pain was over. Dean reached to kiss him. "I love you, Cas. I really do." Dean looked into those blue eyes that were always seeing right into his soul. He loved those eyes. Dean took a shaky breath. "I don't know what I would do without you."
It was something that he knew that Cas knew, but he also knew how grateful his husband would be glad that he said it. Dean looked at Cas. "You'd better call your great aunt too, and I'm going to call Sammy." Dean moved to kiss him once more. "I'll go on down the hall. I'll be back when I'm done." He said, and Cas nodded at him, blushing deeply. Dean stepped out into the hall and called up Sam's number on his phone. He wanted to check on the baby as well. Uncle Dean was concerned. When Sam picked up, Dean had to stifle his tears. "Sam… Michael and his brother died."
When Sam heard Dean say that, he knew that his brother honestly was torn up about it. He was thinking in terms of Jamie, and the fact that he would never have a chance to know the dad that had given him up. "I'm sorry, Dean. I know how much that hurts." Sam was with Laura in the NICU, Jo was at home being off her feet. Sam had insisted she get sleep, and she'd been released from the hospital a couple of days earlier. Not that it mattered, she'd spent every waking minute available at the hospital. Although Sam didn't blame her. It had been hard for him to be away as well. Although they said Laura was doing well. Sam listened to his brother's breath, and he knew that it was shaky because Dean was holding back tears.
Clearing his throat, Sam said, "Don't hold back for me, Dean. You can cry. Your son's father passed away. He'll never have the chance to know him. Which, by the way, is something that is so selfless on your part, you're being a great dad. Worried for how your son will be affected instead of how you are. You are an amazing person, Dean Winchester. Stop thinking you aren't. It's just something that you need to work on yourself." Sam peered into the tiny incubator that Laura was in. She was already a bit bigger. Sam was glad that she was going to be okay. He was glad that Jo would be okay. He loved her so much. Sam knew she'd been worried about this baby.
Dean unfortunately had to let it out when Sam said what he did about Dean being a good father. Dean sniffled and tried to stop crying. "I'm…. thanks Sammy. For saying that I'm a good dad. It's,,, I know I am but it's still nice to hear from someone." Dean didn't know how he was going to stop worrying about whether he was a good person or not. Dean listened when they told him that he was, but he wasn't sure that he actually retained any of it. Dean wasn't one to have good self esteem. He sniffled more and wiped his eyes with some paper towels he found on a cart in the hall. He was glad that he'd been with Cas when he'd gotten the call. He wouldn't have felt better knowing that Cas was here having to deal all by himself. Dean also knew that made him a good person. He saw a kid walking towards him, wondering what that was all about. The kid seemed to be waiting for him. Dean said, "Sammy, I gotta go, I gotta dea, with something." The kid looked 12 or so. Dean heard Sammy say bye and then he turned to look at the kid.
Ben Winchester held out a picture of Dean. "You're Dean Winchester, right?" He asked, and Dean nodded, seemingly in shock. "I'm Ben Winchester. I'm your son. I have a letter from Mom." Ben had come to live with Dean, his mother was gone. Ben knew Dean was going to be surprised, he probably didn't remember being with his mom, Lisa Braeden. Ben handed Dean the note, he wasn't even sure that he knew what was in there.
Dear Dean,
It's Lisa. I'm…. I know we haven't been together in a long time. And if you want to hate me from keeping Ben's identity from you, go ahead. But if you're reading this, it means I'm gone. I sent Ben to you, I was sick, stage four cancer. So I passed away, and before I did I made sure you would get Ben. It should have told you. I know that. Especially with you telling me what you did about the baby that you lost. I am cruel for not telling you in the first place that he was yours. But also enclosed is a DNA test, proving that he's yours. I had it performed while I was pregnant. Just in case you ever needed to know. If you're getting this letter, then you need to know.
Please take in Ben. I really want you to get to know each other. I listed him as your son on his birth certificate, so no one will fight you.
Love,
Lisa
Dean finished reading the letter and then looked down at his son. His son. He couldn't believe it. Dean was mad as fuck at Lisa for keeping this, and he knew that he had to take the kid whether he wanted to or not. Which of course he wanted to. Dean would never turn down his own child. Dean knew that he had to tell Cas. This is when Cas came walking up to him. Dean's green eyes were shining with tears. And he held out the note to Cas. "This is my son Ben." Dean said, watching Cas' eyebrows go up. Although Dean didn't think he should be surprised. He'd gotten around in his twenties. Dean looked down at the kid, who he dd think resembled him.
He looked at Cas, who gave him a slight nod. "We have a place for you Ben, although we are actually house hunting. So you'll have your own room soon. You gotta share with Claire the mo." Dean cleared his throat and looked at the kid. "This is my husband, Cas, and he has a daughter, Claire, your sister." He then explained about Frankie and Jamie, with a bit of a tear in his voice. This was happening way too fast. Dean was so angry that Lisa didn't tell him that he'd had a son out there. And the most horrible part was that he didn't feel bad she was dead. Dean knew that was horrible. He'd have to work on that. Dean brushed his hand across his eyes. "I'm sorry, kid, that all of this is happening at once." Dean said, wishing that he could sound less upset. He was adding another child to his family. And even though he was pissed, he was glad that Ben had been sent to stay with him now that Lisa was gone.
Ben looked at Cas, who looked back at him curiously. Ben wasn't sure what to think of Cas. Ben hadn't expected that his dad would have a husband instead of a wife or a girlfriend. Ben had always heard what a player Dean was. Ben had tried not to hold that against him in his formative years. He knew that his mom hadn't really been in love with Dean. Ben absorbed the info that he had siblings better than he did the husband thing. He didn't care if he had siblings. And Frankie was four, so she was getting into some fun toys. Ben would have fun having an excuse to play with her. Ben was at an age when toys weren't something he felt like he could still play with. He was 12 after all, and so toys weren't an acceptable thing for him to play with anymore.
Finally, he spoke to Cas. "I'm Ben. It's nice to meet you.." Ben wasn't sure what else to say. He didn't want to upset Cas. He wasn't going to call him Dad or anything. He wasn't ready to do that with Dean, let alone with Cas. Ben met those eyes and they were so blue. Ben's were brown. He looked back to Dean then. "I'm sorry that she never told you about me. I knew that you existed." He said, nodding. Ben knew that Dean was going to be even angier about that. Ben knew it wasn't really fair. It was keeping things from Dean and he knew that that wasn't going to be something that flew with him.
Dean didn't know how to deal with any of that. Dean looked at Ben, his eyes swimming with tears. "I know you're surprised about Cas. I was straight up until I met him. But… he's the love of my life. I wouldn't be who I was without him. You don't…. I don't know how you're going to feel about that, but you don't have much choice so you're going to have to try and accept it." Dean didn't know what he thought would happen with that. He knew what he wanted to happen. He wanted Ben to accept him and Cas as a couple. But he knew that it might take awhile for that to happen. He met Ben's eyes. "I know that it's a shock to you that I have a husband. You heard how much of a player I was with girls, right?" He asked, and his son nodded.
None of that surprised Dean. It was how he'd been when Lisa knew him. He was a completely different person now. "I was like that when your mom knew me. So that's all she was able to tell you. You'll get to know me as I am now, and actually, I'm kind of glad about that. You don't know how much regret being that guy. I hated being that guy. I never committed to anything. Even if I had a good reason not to." Dean couldn't go into the reason that he regretted it right now. "I can't.. I'll tell you one day why I regret it but it can't be today. My… Cas' brother and his boyfriend just died." Dean looked at Cas when he said that, and he knew that Cas was grateful for him being there for Cas.
This is when Cas spoke up. "Come on, Ben, there's nothing more for me to do here tonight, and I'm not supposed to handle all of this. Gabriel is. So we can go home." Cas have them both a half smile. He missed Michael. But he was still angry at him, and he was also thinking that this was going to be rough on Jamie one day. If they chose to tell him, that was. Cas watched as Ben shook his head at any type of hand holding, which he wasn't surprised about, and he took one of the two suitcases that Ben had brought with him. "We can send for more of your stuff tomorrow. Although like Dean said, we're house shopping." Cas was glad about that. They needed a bigger place.
The next morning, it was a crowded kitchen. Dean came down to find all four (yes, count them FOUR) kids at the table. Cas was working on French toast. Dean wondered why it seemed so much of a happy family already with them. But he didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. Dean moved to kiss his husband. "You didn't wake me." He admonished, but he made sure to make it sound as least harsh as he could. He didn't want him to feel guilty. Dean reached in and got out the bottle of apple juice and poured himself a tall glass. He was very thirsty. He met Claire's eye, who was kind of glaring at him. Dean looked back at her, wondering why she was looking at him like that. Maybe because she had to share her room.
"Claire, can I see you please?" Dean asked, ignoring the look Cas gave him of curiosity. Dean was sure that Claire wasn't showing her contempt for Dean in front of Cas. When they got into the foyer, Dean looked down at her, folding his arms tightly. "I'm sorry that your room is being taken up by sharing it with your brother. And if you consider me your dad too, then yes, he is your brother, so you can't say he's not. I saw the DNA results. They're real. He's mine." Dean wished that he'd be able to be more surprised that he had a kid out there that he hadn't known about. He'd had two kids that he hadn't known that he'd had.
Claire folded her arms tightly as she listened to what her dad had to say. She knew that he had a past. She knew that. She just wished that he didn't. Claire didn't want to share her bedroom with Ben, even if she knew it was the right thing to do. "I saw the DNA results too. I know he's yours." She finally spoke, her long blonde hair falling down her back in waves. Claire didn't know why she was so mad about it. It's not like it was a secret that Dean had been a whore. There might be more kids out there. Claire knew that's not who he was anymore. He had changed. Claire hated how much of a baby she was being. "Look, I know I'm being a brat. I know that. I know we're house hunting and sharing with Ben is just temporary. I know that." It hurt to admit it, even if it was completely true.
"I just, Dad, really?"
Sighing, Dean wished he had a better explanation to give her. He'd been so torn up about losing the other baby that he had been commitment phobe until he met Cas. He was so grateful to Cas for changing his entire life like that. "Look. I wish I could take it back, believe me. I wish and wish that every day. I hated who I used to be. I just can't tell you why right now." Dean said, managing to keep the tears at bay. Dean didn't want to go into it at the moment. He knew that he'd get too emotional and he was trying not to do that. "I can't turn my back on him. I never got to be his dad till now. He's 12, honey. I don't… I need to know him." Dean really did need to know Ben. He had to know what made the kid tick, how much he had of Dean in him. Clearing his throat, he said, "Claire, you don't have to like it. The sharing your room thing. But really, it won't be for long. We'll have a place."
It honestly wasn't fair, and he knew that. He could see why Claire was upset. It wasn't fair to any of them. But Dean knew that they'd have to make the best of it. "It's a totally weird situation. I know that. I wish I could change it. But we just have to go with it. Make the most of it. We can't let him go somewhere else. I need to get to know him. He's my son. I know that you don't understand that. And honestly, I don't want you to be able to understand it. Because that would freak me the fuck out." Dean was so glad that she was a lesbian and wasn't going to shower them with early grandkids. She didn't have random sex with guys. Dean was completely okay with her lesbianism just for that. He knew that Cas agreed with him,
When he said that about Ben, that he had to get to know him, her anger started to dissipate. He knew that this was going to be hard for him to handle. She knew that it was going to be hard to justify this to himself. That his child was twelve and he barely knew him. Claire knew how angry he was about not getting to be in Ben's life till now. It was awful of his mom, Claire was with him on that point. He also knew that it was taking pressure off the fact that they knew she'd had a relationship with Michael for years. She didn't know why she had kept that from them. It had just seemed like a good idea when she made the decision.
Eyeing her father, Claire wondered what to say. She sighed. She was going to let him off the hook a bit. Claire sighed and looked at Dean. "I know how hard this is for you. I know that. I know that me sharing my room is just temporary." She said, and watched his shoulder sag a bit in relief. Claire was glad to ease his suffering a bit. Claire tucked some of her hair behind her ear. "Dad, look. I didn't say that I hated him. He's just…. It's a big surprise. I know that he's struggling with the fact that you have a husband. If it makes you feel any better, he doesn't seem to be grossed out. Just surprised." Claire thought that was a good thing. A silver lining thing. Claire wasn't sure that she could look at it that way, but she knew that her dad might have to look at it that way.
Tears gathered in his eyes despite him trying to hold them back. She was throwing him an olive branch. "I really appreciate that. That you're acknowledging that this is hard for me." Dean didn't know how to do any of this. Yeah, he'd been able to take to Frankie right away, but she was younger. It was easier with younger kids. They didn't have the same kind of views. Frankie had taken to them like a wish takes to water. Ben might not. He was twelve, his personality was already shaped into who he was going to be in the long run. Most likely. Dean brushed his hand across his stubbly chin. He had to shave. "Claire, all I ask is that you try and deal with this until we're more settled into a new place." Dean was so grateful for her right now. He really was. She was handling this just fine. Even with it being a complete and huge surprise that none of them had been expecting.
He watched her walk back to the kitchen, feeling all kinds of love for her as she walked.
Four months later
They were set up in a huge place in the best neighborhood in Dallas. Dean was standing in the master bedroom, which was huge, and it had a huge bathroom and a sitting room. Cas was unpacking clothes in the closet. Dean was supposed to be putting bedding on the bed, which he had just finished assembling. The kids all had their own rooms, and there was a library, a bathroom for each of the kids, and a study. Dean had been glad to get it. They were all going to fit more comfortably. Dean reached into the box that said bedding and found the bed skirt. Dean sighed. He knew that Cas really needed the bed skirt. He didn't. He was fine with there being no bed skirt. He called out to Cas. "Cas, do we really have to have this bed skirt thing?" He asked, and he was very disappointed sounding. "Please don't make me." He called towards the closet, using as whiny tone as he could.
Cas poked his head out of the closet. It was a huge walkin deal, and he was so happy to have it. He was hanging some of his clothes. Dean's were next. They didn't nearly have enough to fill it up with clothes. Dean needed some new anyway. Cas was handing some pants on a pants hanger. "Please, Dean. Don't fight me on this one. I want to keep old manuscripts underneath the bed. It's the best place to put them. And easy to get to. So please, just do it for me." He said, meeting those green eyes. Dean sighed but he moved to add the bed skirt. Cas smiled to himself, so glad that Dean was contributing. He moved back into the closet, but left the door open.
He hummed to himself as he put away boxes, and then he heard footsteps, and Frankie was standing there, calling out 'Papa!' Cas reached down to lift her and bounced her on his hip. "Hey, Frankie." He said. He was glad that she seemed to be happy to be in the new house. Frankie had been through so much, and she was so resilient. Cas was very proud of her. He looked at her in the blue eyes of her mother. "What's going on, Frankie? Did you get your stuff in your room unpacked?" It had been a couple of days. She'd of course been having help from whomever was available, but she'd been excited to put her own books on her shelf and her own toy box away.
Frankie bounced on his hip and wrapped her arms around his neck. Frankie loved their new house. She looked at her daddy, and wondered how to say what she wanted to say. "Papa. I don't like Ben." She said softly, Frankie almost never had a bad word to say about anyone. Frankie heard her other daddy walking into the closet too, and then he was standing with them, it was just her and her daddies. Just like it should be.
Dean met Cas' eye. And then he turned back to Frankie. "Kiddo, why don't you like your brother?" He asked, wondering what she was going to say. She always told it like it was, one of the reasons she was like Dean. Dean thought that was a good skill to have though. It was nice when people had the courage to say what they were really thinking. He listened as Frankie told them it was because he was mean and didn't' talk to her. Dean met Cas' eyes again and then turned back to his daughter. "He likes you, Frankie. He does. I swear. He's just getting used to having a new family." He told her, reaching out and taking her from Cas. She easily wrapped her arms around his neck.
"It's going to be fine, kiddo. You had to adjust to me and Papa. And then Claire when she came, right?" He asked, and his daughter nodded. Dean shrugged a shoulder as he bounced her on his hip. "He just has to get used to having us around, and know that we'll still be there all the time." Dean kissed her cheek and then handed her back to Cas. She liked to be held by both of them more than she liked to walk herself. Dean knew they had to break her of that eventually. Dean bounced her again, she was playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. It usually was a spot for him, he was glad that it wasn't when it wasn't Cas. Only Cas could do that for him. Dean looked into her eyes. "It's gonna be fine, I swear. Just relax."
There was a noise, and Ben had poked his head in his parents' room. "Hey, are we ordering pizza or what?" He asked, brushing his hand across his hair. Which was getting longer and curly. Mostly to get on Dean's nerves. He knew that Dean didn't like long hair on guys.
Dean handed Frankie off to Cas, she was reaching for him. "Um, yeah, check on your…. I mean Claire. Make sure she's down for pizza." Dean said, meeting his son's eyes. He was so glad that they were doing all of this together. He moved to grab his phone. "Let's all gather in the kitchen. That's the most put away anyway." Dean moved with the two of them downstairs, and Claire was already in the kitchen, with Jo and the new baby. She'd just been released from the hospital. Dean grinned when he saw that she was there. "Is Sammy here too?" He asked eagerly, as he moved over to see the baby. She was smiling, and weighed 6 pounds, she was doing very well. Dean smiled at her, and she reached out her arms for him.
"Heck yeah, you remember your Uncle Dean." Dean grinned, and took the baby from Jo. She looked up at him with her eyes wide. Dean tickled her belly, earning a soft giggle. Jo was fussing over Jamie, who was getting to be seven months old and he was grabbing hair. Dean leaned into Cas as he came up behind his husband. "Look, Cas." Dean said, looking down at Laura. She was still looking at Dean with those green eyes wide in wonder. "She remembers me." Dean said proudly, with only a slight catch in his voice.
Smiling, Cas kissed Dean's neck. "Of course she does, no one could forget you, Dean Henry Winchester." Cas said, his voice soft. Dean's question about Sam was answered as he came inside from out in the driveway. Cas grinned. "Hey, Sammy." He said, moving away from Dean so he could get his phone and order the pizza. Cas' eyes briefly met Ben's, and they shared an uneasy look. Cas wasn't sure what Ben thought of him just yet. But he'd warmed up once he'd gotten over the shock of him being a man. Cas and Ben were slowly getting to know each other. Cas was using his tip toes, he already knew from raising Claire that teenagers and preteens were hard. Cas didn't want to do anything that would make Ben's life harder than it already was, since he too had lost his mother. Frankie never really asked about Charlie anymore, she seemed to believe that her mom was with Jesus and right now that was enough for her. Ben was old enough to know what happened and that his mother wasn't coming back.
Cas picked up his phone and began the ordering, already well versed in what to get for all of them to eat. They could drop 50 bucks easily in Papa John's. Cas' nimble fingers moved over his phone, and then Sam was standing with him. "Oh, hi, Sam." Cas said, wondering if he was just saying hello or if they were going to talk about John's case. It hadn't had any advancements, they were still waiting for trial. They were trying to prove that John didn't kill Balthazar. In the meantime, John was off work. Without pay, so Cas was making sure to help out wherever he could. Even if John was stubborn and didn't want the help.
Leaning against the counter, Sam looked at Cas. "I'm so glad that you guys were home. We just left Dad's, so they could see the baby. We wanted ya'll to be able to see her too before we got back home." Sam said, wondering how to broach the subject of John's lawyer. He needed to be paid, and Sam knew that Cas was the one in charge of it. Sam was trying to have John worry about beating the charges than the cost of things. He'd already been to the bank to set up the trust that Bobby had left for Laura. There wasn't any kind of lien on it, so they could use it for her whole life, and Sam planned on doing just that. He looked at Cas, wondering if he could just broach it.
"Um, Cas? Can I talk to you about something?" Sam asked, and wasn't surprised when Cas nodded his assent. "We need to pay Dad's lawyer. He's let us set up a payment plan, mostly because he'd worked with Dad before. He believes that Dad is innocent." Sam knew Cas hadn't actually met the other man yet, he'd just given Sam a few checks to pay on the stipend. Sam brushed his hand through his collar length brown hair. It was getting longer and longer. Laura loved to pull on it. Sam glanced over at Dean, who was still in seventh heaven, playing with Sam's daughter. She was giggling away. Sam's green eyes brushed with tears. "I love…. Laura has… she's completely out of the woods." Sam said. He met Cas' eyes then, who was finished ordering the pizza.
Sam's eyes were bright. "She's going to be just fine." There was also the news that she was the only child that he and Jo could have, the doctor had had to tie Jo's tubes. They hadn't told anyone yet. Sam decided to tell Cas, he would keep it secret if Sam asked him to. He wanted to tell Dean but he wasn't ready yet. Sam cleared his throat again, and Cas looked at him. "Cas…. Jo and I can't have any more kids. We haven't… we haven't told anyone yet." Sam said, and he watched a crestfallen look take over Cas' face. Sam brushed his hand across his scruffy chin. "I want… I need to tell Dean and Dad but I have to do it in my own time." Cas nodded and Sam took a shaky breath. He didn't know how to get through this. He hadn't been ready for Laura but it was a whole nother issue when it was she was the only one they could ever have.
There was so much that Cas wished he could change. Jo not being able to have any more children was one of them. Cas reached out and touched Sam's shoulder. "I'll take care of Dad's lawyer." He said, as he wondered about what to say when it came to what Sam had just said. "I won't tell anyone, you know I can keep a secret. I'm so sorry, Sam." After all the trouble that Jo had had with having children, he wasn't surprised that this was the result. Cas felt so bad for her. Especially when he and Dean just kept getting handed children. Cas wished there was something he could do that would make her feel better. He knew how badly Jo wanted kids. "You aren't completely out of options. There are still other ways to have more children. But I know how devastated Jo must be." Cas hadn't ever stopped feeling for her after she'd told him what she had about her trouble with babies.
Dean passed in front of them, juggling Jamie and Laura, and Cas waited until he'd moved on to Jo before he spoke again. "No one is going to be angry that you didn't tell anyone right away. It's… it's a huge thing to have to deal with. You know that Dad and Dean will support you no matter what." Cas knew that he didn't have to say that out loud, but he was still glad that he had. Cas raised his voice above the din. "Pizza's ordered!" He called out. There were general cheers and then things went back to the noisy level that was normal for this family. Cas moved closer a bit to Sam so he could speak quieter and Sam could hear him. "I know what it's like to lose a baby." Cas said, and told him the story of he and his previous partner. Tears brushed his eyes.
"But Sam… I feel like everything I had to go through was leading me to Dean. Dean and I are supposed to be together. You have to look at it this way. You and Jo were meant to have Laura. And maybe you'll be meant to save a baby from someone who doesn't or can't care for a child."
That was a good way to look at it. Sam looked at Cas, and his eyes brushed with tears. "Thanks, Cas. Really. I mean that." Sam said, and wiped his eyes. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad in the long run. His gaze fell on Dean then, who was handing the baby off to Claire, their daughter wanted to give the baby her bottle. Sam was glad that the kids were seeming to get along. Ben was still being kind of quiet, but Sam expected that. He was getting used to being in a big family. Sam was amazed at how much the Winchester family had grown in the last year and a half. Sam was so glad that they were having so many good things happen amongst the bad things that happened. That was the silver lining of it all, he supposed.
Dean moved over to Cas, and put his arms around his husband. They snaked around his husband's waist. Sam walked over to Jo then, to give them a moment alone. Dean wondered what Cas and Sam had been talking about, but he also wasn't going to ask. He knew that it was something that Sam wasn't ready to talk about, since he'd chosen Cas to talk to. Dean leaned his head in Cas' neck, to smell. Dean took a deep sniff of Cas' neck. "I love you, Castiel Winchester." Dean said, his voice wobbling just a bit. He didn't know what he'd do without Cas, and lately with everything happening it was on his mind.
"I love you, too, Dean Winchester." Came the reply. Neither of them knew what was going to happen in the next few months, and they weren't sure if they could handle it. Little did they know how much bigger their lives were going to become.
I'm getting kind of over this
I need a metamorphosis
Are you awake as me?
If not, do you wanna be?
Oooh I need some temporary saving
Oooh I need some, some uncomplicating
Help me out
'Cause I don't wanna do this on my own
Help me out, out
Help me out
'Cause I need something up to calm me down
Help me out, out
I don't mean to bother you
But there's something that I want from you
Distract me from thinking too much
Loose ends all tied up with a touch
Help me out
'Cause I don't want to do this on my own
Help me out, out
Help me out
'Cause I need something up to calm me down
Help me out, out
Author's note: So, I don't know where the last burst of inspiration came for this, but I am so glad to have this up for ya'll on Christmas. Lots and lots of Destiel feels lately. Among my Blam feels of glee. XD. Anyway, I'm going to try and update Is This How Love Works? Next, I'm not sure if that will happen because I've also got a start going on a Blam update. But I still have the Destiel feels so something Destiel is going to possibly come out within the next few days as well. Hope this satisfies, and I hope ya'll are having a good Christmas.