Dear Diary
Chapter five: Does he know what's in my heart?

XXX

A/N: We are back to present times! Not more flashbacks to annoy (or kill) you! Present times! You're probably still going to think I'm mean though… *maniacal laugher in the distance* Who? Me? No, I didn't laugh, why would you think that?

A huge thanks goes out to Mswan0117 for doing my Beta, and to all the reviewers who make me want to post the next chapter. I hope you guys are happy, but I kinda know you won't be xD Lol, I love cliffhangers, folks! Love 'em. But honestly, I love all of you too, so just be patient a little longer. That's all I'm asking ^.^

I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)

XXX

Dear Diary,

Please kill me now! I told him, oh yes, I told him alright. My crush, my friend, my self-proclaimed eternal rival. Maito Gai. I told him. Oh my god, please someone kill me now.

I didn't just tell him, Diary. I yelled it at him! I yelled it at him! I yelled it at him! I know I keep repeating the same thing over and over, but that's just about all that my mind can come up with right about now. Some genius, right? Right.

You see, it was almost midnight, and I promised you that I would tell him yesterday. But the seconds were ticking away and I didn't know what to do anymore. So I yelled to drown out the other voices in the bar, so he could hear me. Oh, he heard me alright. I'm pretty damn sure he heard me…

I'm a coward, Diary. I ran away. I yelled that I'm in love with him and then I just ran away. There's no way that's even remotely okay, now is it? Everyone heard me, the entire bar! Not just Gai, but Asuma and Kurenai and Genma and Raidou and Anko and the twisted twins and… Everyone. Everyone heard me yell, "I'm in love with you, Gai". That's pretty bad, right? Right.

Damn, I thought I broke that habit of saying 'right? Right' years ago. Around when I was sixteen. Around when I first realized I'm in love with Maito Gai. But I'm just so confused right now, Diary. I'm all torn up inside. There's no way I can ever show my face again, but at the same time, this may very well be my one and only shot, right? Right.

I love him. I know I love him. I just don't know how he feels about me. There's a very real possibility I've just destroyed everything between us. It's just about a certainty, right? Right. It's certain. I fucked up. Completely fucked up. How could I be so stupid, Diary? Even if I was going to tell him no matter what, I could've at least tried to get him alone! I embarrassed him in front of everyone! I embarrassed myself in front of Gai and everyone! I embarrassed myself in front of Gai… Please kill me now. I can't live knowing I embarrassed myself in front of Gai, I just can't. I love him so much…

You know what? I'm gonna go over. That's all I can do, right? Right.
I'm going over, and I'm gonna… I dunno, but I'm going over.
I am. Really. As soon as I've cleaned my apartment. It's really dirty.
Yeah, after that I'm going over.
And I'm gonna tell him…
I'm gonna tell him it was a joke!
No, I'm gonna be honest, come what may.
No wait, I can't do that, right? Right.
I'm gonna say it was a distraction. So I could get away and be alone because I already said that I wanted to be alone and he dragged me to that bar anyway.
I can't do that! I can't lie to Gai!
I should, though. He's probably disgusted.
Yeah, I'm gonna say I just wanted to be alone and that was the only way I saw to be alone.
And then I'm gonna apologize. I should at least apologize right? Right.
Say I'm sorry for freaking him out.
Yeah…
I'm gonna do that.

K.

XXX

I must admit that I slammed my diary shut so roughly I was worried for a second. Worried that I broke it. After being alone for most of my life, my diary really means a lot to me. So I checked the spine, checked the pages. All the while mumbling apologies to the little book. I know it's a little silly perhaps, but still. Apart from Gai, that diary is my only real friend. God that sounds pathetic.

But my little treasure seems fine, so I apologize once more, gently placing it back in the top drawer of my nightstand. I whisper a thank-you as I close the drawer. Writing in my diary is the best way to organize my thoughts, it always has been. I know what to do now. Go over to Gai's place and apologize, apologize, apologize profusely. Beg for forgiveness. But don't tell him I was serious, tell him I was just trying to get away. But… If I do that, it's the end of it all, isn't it? There's a very real possibility that he's never going to talk to me again anyway. So I might as well be honest, right? Right. No, don't be stupid! Annoyed with myself, I grab the pile of laundry at the foot of my bed. I'm going to put a load in the washer first. Calm down a little. Calm down, how do I even do that right now? Everyone heard me! I fucking yelled! I'm such an idiot…

After starting the machine, I stand there, watching my clothes and bed sheets tumble around inside. My mind is going a million miles an hour and I can't even keep track.
Tell Gai, don't tell Gai. Be honest, lie through my teeth. Show up with flowers, don't go over at all. Kiss him, stay away from him. Laugh it off, tell him how much I love him. Run away from Konoha, hug Gai to my chest as I tell him I never want to leave his side again. I'm so torn right now.

I love him. But I can't tell him that. Only I did. I'm an idiot. I did the right thing. I should just off myself. Go talk to Minato-sensei. Go talk to Obito. Go talk to Rin. Go talk to Gai. Take an oath of silence. Become a monk. Wait, monks aren't allowed to read Icha Icha, are they? I don't think so. I guess becoming a monk is off the table, then. I love him. I always have. I'm a dirty, disgusting pervert. There's no way Gai wants me to love him. I'm not worthy of loving him. I still do. He's pure. I'm rotten to my core. He's perfect. I'm like a broken sword. Sharp edges, but nothing more.

I turn away from the washer, my thoughts are depressing me. Maybe even more than thoughts about what was once called 'Team 7'. Maybe not. Damnit, now I'm thinking about them again. What would they say about me loving Gai? Sasuke would tell me to shut up and get back to training him… I almost smile at the thought of how the boy would look. But that's just it. He's not that boy anymore. He's a missing nin because I screwed up. See? I don't deserve Gai, right? Right.
But just to entertain the thought, what would Naruto say? Huh, I'd probably have to explain the concept first. 'Naruto, I feel about Gai the way you feel about Sakura'. Oh yes, that would go over real well… If he doesn't laugh at me, it's probably because he's throwing up. Just like Obito. They really are so much alike, right? Right.
And Sakura? She's not like Rin. Would she… Accept it? No. Probably not. It's me after all. Her dirty, perverted sensei. She'd probably think I was just being perverted again.

I have to wipe the tears out of my eyes. I'm not just being perverted again, am I? Over the years I have been thinking more and more about Gai. And not just about how great a guy he is to be around. I wonder how it would feel to wake up next to him. I wonder how it would feel to kiss him. I wonder if I'd be okay with him fucking me. If he'd let me fuck him. I wonder how it would feel to give him a handjob. I wonder if I would gag if I gave him a blowjob. I wonder how it would feel to have his hand around my dick. I wonder how it would feel if he put his lips around my dick.

That's perverted, isn't it? That's gross, right? Right. He's my best friend after all. He's the man I love. Is it gross to think about sex with the man you love? The emphasis being on the word 'man', here. I guess that's perverted after all. Right? Wrong. Wrong. It's not wrong to think about pleasuring the man you love. It can't be. Not if I really love him. And I do. But he's my best friend!

Slumping back down on my bed I bury my head in the pillow.
I love him. I'm in love with him. He's my best friend. He probably hates me now. He should. I yelled at him. And then I ran away. Like a coward. I'm a coward. I love him. I love him so much. I can't live without him. I'm gonna have to learn. He's never going to look at me again. He hates me now. I love him. I love him. I love him.

That's it. I've had enough. I push myself off the bed. A quick shower, cold water to wash away the puffiness around my eyes. To wash away the hardness between my legs. Clean uniform. No, civilian clothes. Uniform is better. Uniform it is. I walk over to the door to my balcony. I turn around again. I can't do this. I have to. I can't. I can. I can't. Fuck all of this, I can't.