Dear Diary
Chapter six: Should I tell him how I feel?

XXX

A/N: I will stop the torture – for now that is ;) By the end of this chappy, you will finally have your wish, my dear readers ;) Hopefully… Last chapter I asked you guys to just wait a little longer, remember? Well, the wait is over ^.^

Mswan0117, thank you for lending me your mastery of the English tongue once more. Thank you for taking the time to Beta this little cutesy story of mine.

I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)

XXX

Dear Diary,

I find I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around something that happened today. No, yesterday actually. It was just before midnight that my eternal rival, my best friend, the love of my life told me that he is in love with me.
I did not expect him to ever say anything of the sort. Ever. Hence my need to write down my thoughts on these pages once more.

I did feel like something big was going to happen yesterday, but I could have never imagined this was even possible. Kakashi has been so down lately, and all I wanted was to make him feel a little better again. I know that might sound presumptuous. That I could actually make him feel better while I realized he was upset over the apparent loss of his team, over his own failure. But still, I did. Never in my life would I have expected him to also be anxious over having feelings for me. Never. But it would seem that such is the case.

He shouted his feelings out in a crowded bar. That almost sounds like it should be the lyrics to one of those songs that Tenten likes to listen to. But it is not. It is, in fact, real. He loves me. Or at least, he is in love with me. I have no idea how to reply to that. Should I tell him how I feel? Or should I shield my already broken and battered heart? I am sure it is most likely a fleeting feeling, one brought on by loneliness and thoughts of failure. I do not dare assume more.

It would only lead to heartbreak.

Sincerely, Gai M.

XXX

I sigh, pushing the embarrassing little notebook back under my mattress. I've kept it there since I first got it all these years ago. My diary. There are only about twenty entries. They are all about the one thing I cannot speak of to anyone; My love for Kakashi Hatake. I sit down on my bed, resting my head in my hands. I should be out training right now, but I just cannot seem to focus long enough to even remember how many push-ups the penalty for neglecting my morning jog was again.

He just ran out. I was too shocked to move, and by the time I could, everyone had gathered around me. Laughing at Kakashi. Making jokes at his expense. Tears are running down my cheeks as I remember some of the things our so-called friends said last night. I will never be able to forget them.

Raidou: "I feel for ya, Gai."

Izumo: "He is such a – wait for it –"

Kotetsu: "Pervert!"

Anko: "Bro-love, bro-love where art thou, my bro-love? In Kakashi Hatake's pants!" She toppled over after that, passed out from all the alcohol.

Genma hadn't said a word, but the looks he gave me hurt just as much. Kurenai too. Only Asuma managed to not sound or look like a total asshole, "Who cares who Kakashi loves? If Gai's into that, I say go for it, my man!" But the dirty grin on his face wasn't exactly what I needed either. So I stumbled out of the bar. Unsure if my unsteady footing was due to an overdose of liquor, or Kakashi's confession.

But now I'm sitting here, alone in my room. And I cannot honestly believe that Kakashi meant what he said. He was most likely trying to get away from everybody. Why else would he have raised his voice like that? Drop a smoke bomb and get the hell out, right? That's what you do when you're outnumbered. Live to fight another day. I cannot honestly believe there was more to it. Maybe he picked up on my feelings for him after all, and he purposely tried to hurt me. Though that seems hard to believe as well. It is not like Kakashi to intentionally hurt his comrades. His friends. Am I his friend?

Shrugging, I have to admit to myself that I do not know. Not for sure. I know he respects my capabilities as a shinobi, but Kakashi seems to have decided he isn't cut out to be friends with anyone after the deaths of his entire team. Maybe I've been deluding myself all these years. It sounds quite believable actually, when you stop to think about it.

I know I shouldn't think like this. I know that Maito Gai is not known for sulking. But I cannot seem to shake these thoughts. I love him. I've always loved him. I always will. Forever.
He probably thinks I'm a joke. Someone who's leg he can pull to get out of an unwanted situation. I cannot see it any other way.

Suddenly I become aware of the fact that there has been someone knocking on my door for a good ten minutes now. Non-stop. Someone's going to have a painful set of knuckles. I smile wryly. It's most likely Lee. I don't really feel up to seeing the boy today. Even if he is as close as a son to me. Today, I don't feel like I can handle being around him. I can't be his sensei today. He needs me to be excited about training, he needs me to have all the answers. I don't.

I sigh, but get up nonetheless. It's not fair to just leave him there. Maybe I can convince the boy that I am ill. That I need to rest. I sure do feel like I'm ill. My stomach hurts and so does my head. I am certain that if I were to feel my forehead now, it would be just a little too hot. Another sigh escapes me as I walk over to my front door.

As I open it, I look down at Lee's head. Only it isn't there. Instead, I find myself staring at a flack vest. One that is very familiar. I swallow, slowly lifting my gaze.

"Yo!" He raises his hand in a greeting, but his eye does not crinkle the way I am used to. It stays open, regarding me with a fearful look. My legs are shaking, and I stumble backwards. Apparently my rival takes that as an invitation to come in. Or maybe he just figures it's easier than pushing me aside. Either way, Kakashi enters my apartment. I watch him swallow. He doesn't speak and I cannot find my voice. I try, but even though my mouth opens, not a sound comes out.

I watch fearfully as Kakashi closes my front door behind him, proceeding to lean against it after. He does not speak, and neither do I. I cannot. But why won't he? I swallow, startled as I hear him sigh.

"Gai… I intended to come over and explain to you that all I did last night was try to find a way out," He sighs again and I can feel tears forming in my eyes. I knew it. I knew all along. He isn't even my friend, is he?

"But you see… I've never lied to you before. And I don't want to start doing that today," His tone is soft, and I can feel myself trembling once more. Still, it cannot be more than a fleeting feeling. Surely he came over to tell me that. To tell me that he has been lonely.

"It's just that…" Kakashi swallows, I can see it through the mask, "I've been feeling down, lately. Lonely," See? I knew it. It's nothing but fleeting feelings. Brought on by my rival's loneliness.

"And… I was overwhelmed yesterday," I almost smirk, it was obvious. He probably didn't even know what he was saying until he had already said it. That's why he ran away, I'm sure.

"But I shouldn't have yelled at you. No matter what, I shouldn't have yelled at you. I know how bad that sounded, and I'm incredibly sorry," I bite my lip. I really do not want to hear the next words that will fall from my rival's lips. I cannot deal with that, so I push myself off the wall, intending to walk back to my bedroom. I hope he'll just leave, though I know he won't. When Kakashi speaks, he does so because there is something he wants to tell you.

Hands grip my shoulders painfully tight and I am slammed back against the wall. The look on Kakashi's face closely resembles panic. I try to calm him down, he is my best friend after all. He never intended to break my heart, I realize that now. I realize what a mean person I was for ever even considering the option, "Do not worry, my rival! Yelling is just an expression of youth! And who could ever deny you the springtime of youth?!" I want to say more, but my voice has disappeared once again, so I only give him an energetic thumbs-up. Even though I am biting back my tears, even though my heart is in shambles once more. It is not Kakashi's fault. It was never Kakashi's fault. My pain is due to my own foolish hope. I know that.

He pulls me forward, slamming my body back against the wall, "The words were true! I love you! I am in love with you, Gai!" He keeps pulling me forward, slamming be back. Attempting to get his point across, no doubt. But the words refuse to sink in. My brain refuses to accept them as real. And as my head slams against the wall for the umpteenth time, my vision starts to go dark at the edges.

I push him off, my rival, my friend, my love. I push him away from me, accidentally slamming his body into the opposite wall. Tears streak my face, but I disregard them. Angry, I bring my face close to his, hissing, "Don't make fun of me, Kakashi. Don't you ever make fun of my feelings!" I turn away from him, "Leave," I cannot handle this, I cannot handle a pity-confession.

A what? Confession? Did he just –

A hand returns to my shoulder, turning my body back to face him. My vision is blurred from tears, but it is impossible not to see. There is no mask. No mask covering Kakashi's lips as they inch closer. No mask between us as he presses his lips against mine. No mask. His lips. On mine. My world goes black.

XXX

"You know, I've heard I'm a good kisser before, but I've never actually had someone passing out on me…"

I hesitantly open my eyes. Kakashi is sitting on the edge of my bed, while I lay on my back. The mask has returned on his face, his concerned face. I blink. Did that really just happen? I was feeling ill, wasn't I? Maybe it was all a fever-induced hallucination. Maybe this still is. After all, he just said he kissed me right? Which is was what happened in my hallucination. So this is still a hallucination. Has to be. Kakashi would never kiss me. Would never tell me he's in love with me. So… I was ill yesterday too? Maybe I should go to the hospital. Or maybe I am already there and this is all part of the hallucination. Although, if I actually was in the hospital, I am certain that I would be given painkillers against this splitting headache. Gingerly, I bring my fingers to the back of my head, "There's a bump…"

I didn't realize the words had come out until Kakashi chuckles, "There's a dent in your wall too. I'm sorry Gai… I didn't mean to hurt you. I just…" He sighs, "I was nervous, and you didn't even react and I… I guess I went a little caveman on you… I'm sorry."

"It's okay…" My voice is hoarse and it will not rise above a whisper, "I can be a little dense sometimes…"

"Yeah… I love that about you too."

I blink, but can't think of anything even remotely intelligent to say, so I say nothing. I only watch as the man at my bedside cocks his head, "You know… It's a little unfair to just lay there and say nothing, Gai. Here I am, baring my soul and you're just… Laying there…"

I swallow, "But this isn't even real, Kakashi. It can't be."

"Why not? Because I'd never tell you that I love you? Yeah," He chuckles humorlessly, "I've been thinking the same thing for years now," He leans over, his face only inches away, "You told me not to make fun of your feelings, Gai. What feelings are those?"

I cannot speak. My voice should really stop playing hide and seek because this is important and if I cannot speak, how will I ever show him my heart? Should I even show him my heart? What if it's only fleeting feelings after all? What if he is sure now, but changes his mind the second he hears how I have loved this man for too many years? This really isn't like me. Maito Gai does not hesitate! But Maito Gai still can't speak. That's a minor setback. Maybe a little more than just minor. No scratch that, it's a big problem. A huge one. I'm in trouble if I don't find a way to speak soon!

I let out a frustrated sigh, and he moves back. A look of hurt on his face. This cannot be happening. I cannot seriously be driving the love of my life away mere minutes after hearing that he loves me too. Impossible.

"Kakashi…" It is a mere breath, but at least it is something, right? And he leans back in, an attempt to catch any further words that might fall off my lips, I'm sure. But there are no more words, I cannot speak. Although this time it is not that I cannot find my voice but the fact that my throat has closed up as a result of the tears that are once again stinging my eyes. His eye crinkles, and he cocks his head.

"You've always been such a crybaby, Gai… It's kinda… Cute."

I blink. Did Kakashi just call me 'cute'? That is not… Alright, if it is Kakashi I might not mind. Just a little. Kind of a big little. No. This isn't really acceptable. I clear my throat, swallowing around the lump in my throat, "…"

"What?" There is a chuckle in his voice, and he leans even closer. I try again.

"Ng…"

"Uh… Gai? You okay there?"

"Zskng"

"Gai?" He is worried once more, his face even closer than before. A hair's breath away to be exact. I decide words are not going to help me. Not anymore. Not when all that will come out are useless noises that cannot even be considered to resemble words. So I lift my head just a little, closing the gap between us.

The mask feels soft against my lips. Slightly moist. It feels a little… Weird. Under the fabric, I can feel Kakashi's lips moving against my own. This feels really strange. I blink. Too strange. I retreat.

Kakashi sits back up, looking dazed, "Okay, well, eh, that… Eh… Was unexpected…"

I chuckle, pushing myself to sit up as well. The pain in my head had died down to a dull throbbing before, but now snaps back with a vengeance, a pained moan escapes my lips and I sink back into the pillow.

"Gai?" He leans over again, I watch him swallow, "Please tell me that was pain…"

Confused, I frown, "You want me to be in pain…?"

"Well… No. But… It's either that, or you're repulsed. And…" He swallows again, nervously studying my face. It's funny, so I chuckle. Wincing as the pain in my head increases once more.

"Kakashi," I whisper, trying to ease my pounding brain back to something bearable, "Grab the aspirin, will you?"

He sighs, clearly relieved, "So… It's the pain?"

I chuckle again, mentally kicking myself as the subsiding pain flares up again, "Pain. Not repulsion. But if you don't get the aspirin really quick it might just turn into something else…" I wink – really? Did I just say that? Do that? Did I just try to flirt? I realize I should've probably practiced this a little before trying it out on Kakashi. It sure as hell did not come out right.

But he chuckles, getting off the bed, "It's still in the bathroom, right?"

I start to nod, but quickly stop, "Yes."

I wait a little while, hearing this man that is so special to me rummage around in my bathroom. Most likely examining everything in my medicine cabinet. It is a Kakashi thing to do. I smile fondly. Even though the pain in my head is close to excruciating, I cannot for the life of me be annoyed when Kakashi makes me wait because he is being Kakashi. I love this man. Though I am quickly forming the conclusion that I will not attempt to kiss him through the mask again. It is not repulsing as he feared, though it is pretty damn close. As far as I am concerned at least. The slightly damp, soft fabric that tickles my lips, the outer worldly sensation of feeling his lips move underneath that, I must admit that it is a little too bizarre for me. I know the mask is a large part of who he is, all but glued to his face in a manner that would have most believe he never takes it off. To be fair, he hardly ever does. It has taken me years before I managed to coax that mask down through challenging him to an eating contest –which I lost.

He did just take it off, though. Willingly. Without any pressure from me or anyone else. Though maybe he believes that one of his old teammates pressured him into it. If I had to guess, I would think it would have been Obito. In Kakashi's mind at least. I may very well be the only one who realizes that for him, these people are still here. Still available for conversations. At every hour of every day. I must admit, it sounds nice.

My rival is leaving the bathroom, heading into my kitchen. Presumably, he will soon return with a glass of water and the aspirin. And when he does, I better have an answer for him. Why am I laying here thinking about how amazing his lips felt when they were pressed up against mine for that brief second before I lost consciousness? I should be organizing my thoughts. I should be deciding what to tell the man. That I love him? That I'm honored he feels that way about me? That I'm scared? Don't be stupid! I could never say that! I could never tell him how scared I am! I am Maito Gai! I am the Green Beast of the Leaf! I am… Terrified.

"Gai, here…" He sits back down on the bed, setting the glass aside on my bedside table for the moment. Gentle hands take hold of my shoulders, helping me up. It is not like this situation has never occurred before, but somehow, this feels so different from all the other times. One hand supports my back as he helps me up further. Instinctively, I shift on the bed, resting my back against the headboard, creating more space between us. I wish I had suppressed that instinct. Though Kakashi does not seem to notice anything wrong. I briefly close my eyes, my battered head aching for his gentle hands to return. My skin itching to feel his touch.

Meantime, Kakashi busies himself with opening the bottle of aspirin. Wait… He brought the whole bottle?! How much pain does he think I am in? He doesn't look up. His hands trembling a little as he reaches for the glass. Without thinking, I reach out. Grabbing his wrist, I try to silently convince the man to look up. We have been so close for so long, I know he knows what I want from him in this moment.

The silver-haired man sitting on the edge of my bed shrugs, it looks a little uncomfortable. His arm in my grasp trembles almost violently, the bottle of aspirin rattles, alerting me to the fact that his other hand is shaking as well. He shrugs again, rather abruptly. I hold fast, my gaze settled on the side of his face. Finally, he looks up. The fear in his visible eye almost cripples me, almost rips my heart apart. My voice is soft, considerably lower than when he said the same words to me. But that is not of importance, he hears me, I know he does.

"I am in love with you, Kakashi."

XXX

A/N: Now will you guys please stop hating me…?