Heya, well this is slightly embarrassing . thank you for all your reviews and pms, no I am not dead but I am not okay either but I've been told I'm taking the right steps and improving or whatever. But I've heard that before. :P
Basically I had to receive medical attention, I was stitched up and sent on my way, I've been trying to get things sorted and catch up on uni work so i've been rather busy.
Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes I did look over it but I bet I missed some.
I put that there wouldn't be any more updates because I wouldn't be around, so when I realised I would be I thought I'd give writing a rest for a bit. Well I couldn't seem to do it . I love writing it's my distraction, outlet and escape, so telling myself not to write was kinda like telling someone not to breathe in the evenings, impossible! Ha. Anyway moving on from my drama and onto drama you want to know about, Dean and Cas! It picks up right from where it left off in the last chapter.
Anyway, though it is a little angsty please enjoy xx
The small smile on Cas' lips stayed there throughout the day even though all he was doing was sitting in an old chair, thumbing through a book that didn't tell the him anything he didn't already know. The angel could not forget the feel of the hunter's lips against his, his warmth when he held him close and the words that came from his own mouth, well dream him but he was sure it counted. 'Dean wants to be loved Castiel. Get your head out your ass and realise he wanted to be loved by you.' The memory of it, the possibility that it was true, made sure that subtle smile stayed in its place.
"Are you alright Cas?" Sam asked, from his position on the other side of the study.
"Yeah you've been smirked like a freaking glitter fairy all day, stop it." Bobby chipped in; Cas' cheeks flushed a little suddenly feeling like an idiot.
"I'm sorry." He mumbled to himself before looking down at the book in his hands, not wanting to be there he felt that embarrassed but remembered the promise he made to Dean and sticking around and since he couldn't think of a good enough excuse to leave because Dean was still plaguing his thoughts he stayed put. Dean must have sensed his discomfort before he reached over and touched Cas' arm, injecting warmth and calmness throughout the angel at an alarming rate.
"No don't be sorry Cas, if he wants to finally show some emotion in his face and smile, why the hell not." Dean almost shouted, no one including Cas knew why he sounded so angry.
"Alright settle down boy." Bobby told the hunter sounding confused but not letting it cover the gruff annoyance in his voice he seemed to have permanently adopted. Instead of replying Dean got up and stormed out the room much like a five year old.
"What just happened?" Cas asked unable to follow the event before him, he was getting better at social interaction but Dean's reaction still seemed weird and dramatic.
"Hell if I know!" Bobby grunted loudly before going back to reading, Cas felt a little before knowing wasn't just him.
"Maybe you should go after him Cas." Sam suggested, resting his book in his lap and leaning towards the angel.
"Why?"
"Maybe he wants to talk." Sam pushed, Cas was almost certain Dean would not talk to him, he's not much of talker at all. Then again he had been getting closer to the hunter and he in return had spoken to him a few times, granted his was smashed but it was a start.
"I doubt that Sam, but if you wish I go, then I will." Cas sighed before sharing a half hearted smile of goodbye with Sam and following Dean out of the room.
"Fucking idjits." Bobby mumbled to himself about the hunter and his god damn angel. Cas walked into the kitchen where he saw his charge staring aimlessly into the open fridge.
"Dean?"
"What?" He snapped back not taking his focus from the mostly empty shelves of the fridge.
"Are you okay?" is all he could think to ask, though he knew it was a stupid question and he knew the answer.
"I'm just fine Cas," Cas knew Dean was lying, Dean knew he was lying, Dean knew Cas knew he was lying but he said it anyway, still hoping Cas would drop it though he knew his angel better than that.
"You can talk to me Dean; you don't always have to lye." Cas looked to the floor as he mumbled his words, he wanted to know but Dean was like a fragile animal approach to quickly or suddenly and Dean would run.
"Who says I'm lying?" Dean said with a half hearted smirk staring at the floor, not being able to look the angel in the eyes.
"Because I can see you are." Cas calmly told him and bravely decided to place a hand softly onto the hunter's shoulder, Dean's eyes snapped at the rare contact and then his couldn't help bring his gaze to the angels eyes, Dean hadn't realised his eyes were wet until he had to blink away the tears that threatened to over spill so he could see the angel clearly.
"You're right, life is in the toilet. The apocalypse is looming and other then me saying yes to Michael there is shit for a plan, the devil wants to ride my brother nine ways till Sunday," Cas listened as Dean started to speak he sounded so, broken and Cas hated it, he couldn't help his hand slipping down his arm and falling by his side as he listened. The hunter sighed before he continued. "I have ruined Sammy chance of ever having that fucking picket fence college life, the only person I have had close to a father is a old alcoholic ass that is stuck in that damn chair because of me, my best friend is an angel which should be weird but with this life its probably the most normal thing I have, I have a splitting headache and we are out of beer!" Dean finished his rant with a tear running down his cheek and panting or air. There was a lot Cas could take from his words, unnecessary guilt, self loathing but all he could take from it and ask the hunter was something quite different.
"I'm your best friend?"
"No Cas I was talking about the other angel that put me back together after dragging me from hell, gave up heaven for me and has died for the fight, yes you, you dick." Dean spat out as soon as he heard Cas' words, he was angry that the angel thought so little of him when he thought everything of Cas, well that's how he saw it. Then the hunter saw the hurt covering Cas' face and immediately wished he had kept his mouth shut. "Sorry, I'm an ass I, its just; it's getting to me Cas."
"It's getting to all of us." The angel told him, he sounded defeated, because he knew no matter what Dean was right, right now they didn't have a plan no clue how to stop the end of coming from coming.
"What are we supposed to do? Aside from sitting on our ass' flicking through useless books in a fruitless search for answers, what happened when we have to act and we can do nothing to save the world?"
"We try anyway. We go down fighting, we fight for what we believe in," Cas sounded stronger then he felt and looked up catching Dean's eye, his voice became softer and full of meaning. "We fight for those we love. Right up to the end we keep fighting." Dean knew Cas was right, the damn angel was always right, but Dean was tired he was tired of always fighting. He sighed and looked to the ceiling not feeling strong enough to look Cas in the eye.
"I don't want to fight anymore Cas. I'm tired; I don't want to do it anymore, why do I have to." Cas hated hearing Dean sound to defeated and broken, he wanted to badly to see the carefully smiling face of the Dean from last night, the Dean he dreams himself to be. The Dean Cas wishes he was that the angel could make the hunter into, given a chance.
"Because you were chosen, you are the only one that can." Cas moved closer it was not what he wanted to say but he knew it was what he should have said.
"Bullshit." Dean scoffed at that as he blinked away the tears Dean refused to let fall.
"Dean, life sucks, it does. But it's the same for me, Sam and Bobby and we are trying, we are not giving up, so you can't, you understand." Dean listened to what his angel was telling him, he knew he was right, he felt awful thinking about just how much more Cas had given up for the course, for him.
"Yeah. Course, you've given up ten times what I have. I should be giving you the pep talk." He told his angel giving him a small light smile, though Cas didn't think for one second it was a real honest to god smile. Cas looked his charge deep in the eye, needing him to understand what he was about to say,
"I lost a lot Dean, but I chose to give it up, for you." Their eyes were locked as the angel took a small step closer to his charge, Dean on his part had forgotten how to breathe "To try and save the world, and I if I could do it again, I would do exactly the same." Cas took a deep breath and placed his hand gently on Dean shoulder so close to his neck the angel's finger tips gently grazed the warm skin on his charges neck, Dean couldn't help his eye closing at the small intimate contact. "You're worth more to me than heaven Dean. With you I have a purpose." Dean forced a laugh into the air and stepped away from Cas a little, needing some space and a lot less of the weird thick tension that seemed to have consumed them. Even so he couldn't bring himself to move too far away so still remained relatively close.
"I'm going to blush in a minute." He joked trying his best to sound natural.
"I'm not lying Dean, we may loose, but we have to try to fight destiny, to fight fate and we will probably die trying. But like you said Dean, if anything is worth dying for, this is it."
"When did you get so wise Cas?"
"I'm an angel Dean, I'm old. I know more than you could possibly comprehend." Dean scoffed at that as he rolled his eyes.
"And for a moment you sounded human."
"I may not be human, but I understand doubt. I can see all over your face. You doubt our ability to save the world, your strength and decision to say no to Michael." Cas' voice became a little firmer he had to make Dean understand. "Saying yes to him is not an option Dean."
"It seems like the only one we do have." Dean muttered more to himself than the angel. Anger surged through Cas, he put a hand against Dean's chest and shoved him against the fridge as he stepped into his personal space, hardly any space between them. The anger near enough growled his words.
"I have not rebelled just to watch you give up do you hear me." despite knowing the angel was pissed Dean could not stop his gaze lowering and settling of his lips, those lips. "You're tired, you're sick of it, you want it to be over, well so do I! I have to watch my father's greatest creation be destroyed by my own family and there is nothing I can do Dean. I'm supposed to be an angel and I am stuck in this shack of a house reading books that hold no answers, with the same people that started this whole thing. But I do it anyway. I do it because there is no other way, I will die in this fight Dean I came to terms with that the moment I rebelled, but I will not watch you loose yourself, and go on some stupid kamikaze mission that will destroy half the world. So buck up and get back to work. Do. You. Understand. Me."
"Yeah. I get it. I'm a selfish bastard that you blame for starting the apocalypse."
"Think what you want to get by, if being angry at me does that do it. But just know if you dare try to agree to being Michael's puppet I will not think twice about doing what I have to do to stop you," Cas looked to the floor not wanted to see Dean's face as he continued. "Despite everything in me just wants you safe and protect you, these emotions you seemed to have given me, make me care about the lives of people I don't know, so I will stop you Dean. It will kill me but I will."
"I'm sorry Cas, I am an ass. I'm just exhausted, if we do stop this and some how I survive, I don't know if I want this life anymore."
"You have a choice what life you lead Dean, live the life that will make you happy. I want you happy, figure out what does that." Their eyes met again and the tension rose to an almost all time high. All Dean wanted to do was kiss the angel in front of him, yet he knew it was impossible, though he knew his will power was fading.
"Family. You." Dean's hand gently covered Cas' that was still placed on his chest, finger gently running over his smooth skin, Cas fought the urge to close his eyes. "You make me happy, you annoy the hell out of me but it makes me happy."
"What are you telling me?" Cas asked in an almost whisper, he did not want to get the wrong message or make a complete fool of himself, but if he was saying what Cas though he was saying the hunter was finally admitting what the angel had been waiting to hear him say.
"I don't know." He said, though it was the opposite of what he wanted to say. After a few moments of silence, Cas move forward a little, taking his free hand he gently ran a hand down Dean's face. "Cas?"
"You deserve a life Dean, you will have one, I promise."
"Cas?" Dean asked, feeling a mixture of being confused and moderately turned on from the small intimate gesture but damped but his ominous words.
"Goodbye." He whispered as he ran his thumb over Dean's dry bottom lip, the hunter was so caught up in the feeling he almost missed what Cas had said.
"What?" he asked pushing inappropriate thoughts aware and sounding deadly serious. Cas didn't answer him, he merely gave the hunter a weak smile before flapping his wings into action and disappearing before Dean's eyes. "Cas!" he shouted at the empty room. He was starting to panic, what had Cas meant? Why did he look to sad? Why was his goodbye filled with so much more?
The hunter started to pace the kitchen mind racing with a hundred horrible scenarios, though none of them were as bad as the truth.
After a while, Dean had no idea how long he stopped pacing and fall back onto one of the kitchen chairs, and put his head in his hands elbows on the table, eyes wet and making no attempt to stop the tears.
When the hunter looked up he noticed an envelope on the table, written on the front was his Dean, beautifully written in an old time script. He looked around but no one was there, with shaky hands he opened the envelope and read the letter inside.
'Dean,
I am sorry this had to happen, I wish more than anything that this unfortunate event was not unfolding in front of our eyes.
You, Sam and Bobby have to survive this fight Dean, you have no choice. I will not let you die. But I have to admit what you said about having no plan against Lucifer was correct, so it is time we had one. I don't know if it will work but it's worth a shot, I need you three to stay away. You probably won't see me again, as I will be dead.
Lucifer may be the devil but he is also an angel and like I told you;
Only an angel can kill another angel.
I want you to have that life we spoke of, one in which you are happy and free, find that one person and be with them.
If this is the last time you will hear from me you deserve to know the truth.
I love you Dean.
And in a perfect world I would be that one person you live your life with, the person you kiss and hold, have a song with, arguments over trivial meaningless things, someone you have a family with, in a perfect world I would get to kiss you. But this isn't a perfect world Dean, this is real life and what I am doing I do for you, so that life goes on and that you and those you love live.
If you ever find your self missing me, pray. I am almost certain I won't hear you as I will be dead but you will find some comfort. You have little faith; you should start believing that good things do happen. I am old I have seen it, believe me. If I shall succeed and Lucifer removed, I will more then likely still perish. If I shall die and Lucifer not, remember your promise Dean,
Do not say yes to Michael, there is always another way.
I wish more than anything the apocalypse was not real, that monsters and demons have not plagued your life. I wish instead of being a soldier I could have spent my life with you in my arms protecting you, making you happy, the way I would willing spend my days until you're old and die peacefully in your sleep, where I would then do the same in heaven, forever. Of course that is nonsense, but I do get to die for you.
I get to willingly give you two of the most powerful things I can give; my heart and my life. I know you won't agree with me, I know you will be angry, but do not try to find me, just stay safe.
If anything is worth dying for Dean, you're it.
I wish you to live your life the way you want to live it, remember me.
Castiel. ''
By the time he had finished reading the letter that was written with carefully crafted calligraphy and well thought out words, his hands could not stop shaking, his eyes had so many tears in his eyes and running down his cheeks the words on the paper where no longer visible through Dean's now blurry vision.
He sat in silence mulling his angel's words over in his head, he loves him, Castiel loves him, and he's gone of to fight Lucifer alone, he's gone to die. Dean won't see him again, how could he do this! The hunter let out his rage at the situation screaming at the empty room as he threw his chair across it before lifting and tipping over the table, Castiel's letter still in Dean's tightly balled up fist.
"Dean!" Sam shouted as he ran in eyes wide at the sudden noise and the scene he has walked in on.
"What the hell?" Bobby exclaimed wheeling himself into the kitchen soon after Sam, just as surprised than the youngest hunter he they watched Dean, scream and cry hysterically punching and kicking things and throwing random objects every now and again.
"Dean what's happened?" Sam asked as calmly as he could, cleverly opting out of the question; 'are you okay?' that people tend to use when they see someone obviously not okay but ask it anyway. Dean was not okay Sam has never seen his brother like this, he didn't like it, it scared the hunter more than he cared to admit.
"He's gone." Dean breathed out back to the other two hunters trying to sound calm though this voice was croaked from all the shouting.
"Who's gone?" Sam asked, not understanding Dean's explanation.
"Cas has gone after Lucifer!" Dean screamed spinning around to face his brother fresh tears starting to stream.
"What!" Sam's voice went high pitched, not believing what he was hearing. "We have to stop him, he'll die."
"I know that! He knows it!" Dean screamed back breathing hard and heavy.
"Dean you need to calm down." Sam told his brother that seemed to be on the verge of a panic attack.
"Don't tell me to calm down Sammy!"
"Dean! Breathe."
"I am!" he shouted before punching the wall again, "I don't want him to die." He wheezed out, it near enough broke his brother's heart.
"None of us do, we'll stop him." Bobby told him with certainty he didn't posses as he wheeled himself into his ruined kitchen.
"How! We don't know where he's gone, even if we did, how can we possibly help?"
"Cas is family, family sticks together, we'll figure this out." Bobby told him before turning to Sam and mouthing, 'Any ideas?'
"Gabriel!" Sam shouted walking into the living room, the only thing he could think of that might work, Gabriel could locate Cas, maybe he would help. "Come on man, know you can hear me! We need you." Sam let out a sigh, peering over his shoulder to Dean how was gripping the side of the cabinet, to keep himself up, legs visibly shaking. "It's Castiel, he's in trouble." Sam barely finished his sentence when a swipe of wings and a familiar figure appeared in the middle of the room face already plastered in worry.
"What's happened?"
"We need you to find him, he's gone after Lucifer."
"Stupid boy." He mumbled, though didn't seem completely surprised, though somehow still horrified.
"We need to help." Dean almost shouted as he marched into the room and standing next to his brother.
"No you don't. What could you possibly do beside get in the way of two fighting angels and get yourselves killed." Gabriel barked back.
"I need to stop him."
"You can't do anything Dean. Lucifer is motivated by hatred, the desire to destroy everything, to get revenge and from what I hear Castiel is motivated by love. And I don't know which reason is stronger. But they will be so focused on eliminating the other that you will just get in the way."
"Love? Who does Castiel love that he would be so stupid too sacrifice himself?" Sam asked confused, looking to Gabriel for answers, the angel was staring at Dean, Dean was staring back. It couldn't be true could it? It kind of made sense to Sam though it didn't make it any less weird.
"Dean?" Sam asked needing verification.
"How did you know?" Dean asked Gabriel ignoring his brother but confirming everything.
"It's all over radio angel," Gabriel told the hunter tapping the side of his head. "Little Cassie gone and got himself head over wings for some obnoxious hunter with ego issues and an alcohol problem. I would say I was proud he's found the emotion, but really he could do better."
"Fuck you! He's out there dying and you're here joking and insulting me! What's your problem?" Dean shouted unable to contain his anger that the jerk that called himself Castiel brother. Sam held Dean back and tried to calm him, Gabriel on the other hand didn't seem at all phased by Dean's outburst.
"I have already called for help he should be here,"
"Hello." Another angel popped into the room cutting Gabriel off and speaking in a smooth English accent.
"Who the fuck are you!" Dean shouted at the unfamiliar angel before him.
"You're right he is a charmer." He told Gabriel not even looking at the humans in the room, to concerned for Castiel listening intently as Gabriel spoke.
"Cas has gone rogue Balthazar we need to get him back."
"Right." Balthazar nodded and was just about to leave when Dean walked up the to two angels before him.
"I'm coming too."
"Hell no, you just sit tight and let the adults do their job." Balthazar told him giving the hunter a wink; they disappeared and flew away in a blink of a angel
"Fucking angels!" Dean shouted at where they were a moment ago.
"Dean I think you should talk to us." Sam told him placing a hand on his brother's shoulder.
"What the hell is going on boy?" Bobby barked, sitting in shocked silence until now.
"It's all in there." Dean told them throwing the letter at his father figure before storming upstairs and collapsing against the door when he shut it. "Dammit Cas." He mumbled. After a few minutes he stumbled to his knees and stared at the ceiling, tears still falling down his red, heated face. "Please Cas, don't do this. Come back. How can I have a happy life, any life at all if you're not in it? I need you Cas, you're not leaving me you fucking angel! You hear, I can't live if you die. I've spent the longest time dreaming about you, every night. The things we could do together, how we could be together. Now you're going to tell me that my dreams could have come true and then go of to fucking kill yourself. You're not going to do this! I'm not going to let you pull the plug on everything we could be! When you are stopped; I'm going to yell at you till I'm blue in the face, many hit you then I'm going to take you to my room and never let you leave my bed, now how can that happen if your dead?" he roughly wiped his face with his hand before scrambling to his feet and started to shout at the ceiling, anger resurfacing. "You're an asshole, when your dead your dead, I have to carry on, I have to grieve, I still have these thoughts and memories you won't, you won't let me die but you get too! You're selfish Cas!" dean was left panting, he fell back onto the bed, the bed he and Cas shared they were so close not long ago and now he was never going to see him again, it simply wasn't fare. "I love you." He mumbled, saying it out loud for the first time, he wished he had said it sooner, maybe things would have turned out different.
"Dean?" Sam spoke gently as he gingerly stepped into the room, letter in hand. "Dean, I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"About what?" Dean mumbled still staring at the ceiling.
"About you and Cas, I, I'm sorry. If there is anything I can do,"
"Bring him back."
"Gabriel and Balthazar will do their best." Sam told him reassuringly, a place the letter on the beside table and a head on Dean's shoulder. "Try and get some sleep, you look exhausted." With that he left. It was true Dean was exhausted, completely physical and emotionally shattered, but knew he couldn't sleep not when Cas was god know where doing god knows what, dying at any moment, he felt sick to his stomach at the thought. The hunter turned on his side knowing he would get no sleep unable Cas was back with him. How could he do any of this without his angel?
Ooh its all come out, oh I know gabriel should be dead but i decided i did not want him to die :P so he is alive and well! mwhaha the powers of a writer :P
in word i had the letter in a lovely swoopy edwardian script, but it didnt transfer to here, so please imagine it being so :) xx
Naughty Cas! Lol
Please review they mean the world to me :) xxx