Dear Diary
Chapter ten: Please tell me what to say

XXX

A/N: And the date is on!

Thank you Mswan0117 for your Beta! You're awesomely, incredibly, fabulously, amazingly fantastic!
(So true! Lol! Thank you!)
Hihi, I thought I'd keep that one in there for everyone's enjoyment. That was my happy Beta's cutesy little note xD

I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)

XXX

Dear Diary,

The decision has been taken out of my hands. Just now, I found one of Kakashi's ninken on my balcony. He was carrying a note: 'Gai, be ready to go at noon. I'll come pick you up. Kakashi.' I found it rather… Clipped. But I must admit I am a little relieved nonetheless. I replied in the same manner, of course. If he would rather play this aloof, I will not pressure him into something more.

I will go and take a shower now, my best jumpsuit is already laid out on the bed. I will be ready to go by noon.

Sincerely, Gai M.

XXX

I follow Kakashi out of my apartment, only now realizing that he still had his shoes on. Apparently, he's self-conscious about it, but it doesn't bother me. I want to tell him that, but I do not want to make him feel worse by pointing it out in the first place, so I just follow him quietly. He's brought a wicker basket along, and I wonder what's in it. But I do not dare ask. Kakashi seems to have regained most of his confidence, and I do not want to do anything to mess that up again. We walk quickly, choosing the most quiet route. Neither of us really leads the way, it is simply something we've silently agreed upon. Neither of us wants to run in to anyone right now. I am certain that Kakashi feels even more strongly about this than I do, but I have to admit that even I am anxious about running into any of our so-called 'comrades'. The words they spoke in that bar, after Kakashi'd left are forever burned into my heart. One more remark like that, and I might just… Hit someone. But we do not encounter anyone and as we slip through one of the side gates and cross the training fields Kakashi finally breaks the silence between us.

"I'm sorry about that, Gai. But I just… Can't deal with them right now…"

He doesn't look at me, instead keeping his gaze at the ground a few feet before him. I honestly cannot blame him, "I understand, Kakashi. The same goes for me."

"Oh?" Surprised, he looks up. But then his shoulders slump slightly, "Do I want to know what they said about me?"

I pull a face, "Better not. Not now at least," We've entered the forest now, walking under the majestic trees that I love so much. I cannot resist; It's not like there is anyone around anyway. So I reach out and take his hand. He seems a little startled at first, looking down at our joined hands. But then he looks up, and he smiles at me. I can tell, I've been able to tell since forever. The mask shifts ever so slightly, and a few little wrinkles appear in the corner of his eye. His eye, that remains open as he truly smiles. I like this much more than the fake eye crinkle everyone else seems to fall for and I am sure that he knows this. I smile back, moving so we walk a little closer to each other as I speak in a soft tone, "Now, I want to only think about you. Talk about you."

He smiles again, his hand gripping mine a little tighter, "And you. I want to also talk about you," His gentle voice sends shivers down my spine, and I am moved to tears. But I bite them back, I don't want to cry now because that would mean I would not be able to look at this man properly. And I want to see him. This man that I have loved for so long. I want to see every part of him.

"But there is one more thing we kind of should talk about, Gai…"

I gulp. What does he have in mind? Is he about to ask me to deepen the relationship before he gets bored? This is Kakashi Hatake after all, the serial dater slash pervert of Konoha…

"Where are we going exactly?"

See? He is getting bored with my prudishness already. I should have parted my lips after all. I did realize that was what he was asking of me, the second time at least. I just did not feel ready for that yet. But apparently that was a mistake. I should explain myself. But will that do me any good? If I tell him that he was my first kiss, isn't he going to laugh at me? Isn't he going to think that I am wasting his time? That I will not satisfy his… Needs?

"You see… I kind of was too nervous to eat so I basically skipped breakfast so now I'm kind of… Getting hungry?"

He throws me an embarrassed look, and I cannot help the relieved sigh that escapes me. Kakashi was talking about lunch.

"Gai?" He sounds a little insecure, his hold on my hand lessening just a little, "I'm sorry, I know you said I shouldn't be so nervous but to be fair… I mean, that was after I skipped breakfast, right? So… Technically… This shouldn't count, right?"

I chuckle, he is cute like this, "I am getting hungry myself," Smiling at him, I nod at the wicker basket that Kakashi is still carrying with him, "I take it that's lunch?"

His head cocks to the side and he smiles at me, his hold on my hand tightening a little again, "Picnic."

I cannot help but grin, it just…"Sounds perfect."

His shoulders relax a little, and he smiles again, "So… Where are we going?"

I think on it for a moment. We will want to find a secluded spot, somewhere we can be certain there are no onlookers, no people passing by. Not only because we want to be alone, also because of… Well, his mask. His face. And the bruises I left on said face… I shake my head to rid myself of this feeling of guilt. Kakashi does not seem to mind, and so I shouldn't mind either. Suddenly, my memory presents me with the perfect spot. I smile. Yes, that spot would definitely be absolutely perfect.

I tug at Kakashi's hand, pulling him off the path. He follows my lead without question and for a brief moment, I feel like I am soaring. This man… I love him so much, and he said that he is in love with me as well. And now we are on our first date together, and he trusts me enough to follow me without any of his usual banter, the slightly skeptical look that often appears in his eye. It makes me happy.

Increasing my pace, I pull Kakashi along; I am hungry too. And curious to see what is inside that basket he is carrying. And… I just want to sit with this man, talk with him. Hopefully kiss him again because that felt amazing.

XXX

"Gai… This place is perfect…"

It is a mere breath, my astounded rival does not seem to be able to manage more, I grin. It feels a little like winning a challenge, only this is even better, "Thank you. I thought you would like this."

Kakashi only nods, looking around the little clearing. I follow his gaze, admiring the fresh green grass, dotted with little flowers in all kinds of colors. The trees around are high and wide; old trees. They shield this little piece of paradise together with the thick shrubbery underneath. The only side of the clearing not surrounded by trees is where a small, bright creek flows. The sun is shining bright, high up in the sky. Which means that even the high trees do not manage to shroud the clearing in shadows. It is indeed perfect. I should know, I've spent many hours here over the years, thinking about the man now standing beside me. I speak quietly, not wanting to disturb the peace that always lingers here, "I found this place many years ago. I've never before showed it to anyone else, and I am quite certain that you and I are the only ones who have ever even seen it."

Kakashi nods, his tone equally soft, "It's far out of the way, hard to get to… Romantic," He turns to me, a tear in his eye, "I love you, Gai."

I blink against my own tears, my voice strained but still quiet, "I love you too, Kakashi. I have been in love with you for years…" I swallow, did I say to much? I did not intend for the words to come out at all, but they did so anyway. And now I'm left to wait for his response. Seconds seem like hours, and an invisible hands wraps around my throat. Kakashi places the basket on the grass before gently untangling his hand from mine. Is he going to run away now? Is he going to leave? Did I pressure him too much? I try to speak, to – somehow – take back the words I spoke, but find I can't.

I watch as lean, long and pale fingers curl around the edge of a dark-blue mask. As his head dips ever so slightly before coming up again. As skilled, dexterous fingers pull the mask down, folding it neatly around his neck, revealing bruised cheeks. I swallow. I did that to him. I hurt him. Kakashi shakes his head a little, and I think it looks totally adorable. I see him swallow, taking a step closer to me until our bodies are all but touching. Leaning over, his breath ghosts over my skin as he whispers in my ear.

"I have loved you for too many years, Gai. Too many years of not being able to be close to you. Too many years of feeling that I couldn't tell you how I feel. I love you, Maito Gai. I can't live without you."

Reflexively, I wrap my arms around him, pulling him even closer to my own body. He shifts a little in my arms, his arms coming around my own body, his head dipping down. I can feel how his nose gently pushes aside the collar on my flack vest before soft lips place light kisses on my neck.

My mind simply cannot process what is happening right now. This might even be better than feeling his lips on mine. I can feel my knees trembling, can hear how a quiet moan escapes my throat. Kakashi's lips press down on my skin a little more, tongue flicking out every now and then. I know that I am swaying on my legs, that it is quite possible that the only thing keeping me up right now is Kakashi's embrace. But frankly, I don't care. I moan again, but this time my stomach joins in, its growl drowning out the soft moan. Kakashi chuckles lightly, lips retreating. I am slightly disappointed, but at the same time, I feel just a little relieved. His gentle ministrations felt amazing, but I am unsure how comfortable I would be if he were to continue – at what point should I return his attentions? And how?

Kakashi moves back just a little, his hands still resting on the small of my back, as mine are on his. He smiles at me, the softest smile I ever saw, his tone matching his smile as he all but whispers.

"You have a good point, my love."

Releasing me, he turns. My arms fall down on their own. Did he really just say that? Did he actually call me 'my love'? But my ears are not deceiving me, of that much I am sure. Kakashi picks up the wicker basket, moving away from the tree line and towards the middle of the clearing. I hastily follow. Sitting on his knees, my rival, my friend, my lover, pulls away the blanket covering the contents of the basket. I almost peek inside, but then decide not to let the surprise be ruined by my own curiosity. So I stand slightly to the side as Kakashi spreads the blanket on the grass. The red with white checker pattern makes for a beautiful contrast with the bright green grass. I watch as Kakashi takes off his sandals and flack vest before moving to sit on the blanket, throwing me a curious look. I almost chuckle, but I move quickly now. Taking of my own sandals and discarding my own flack vest, I sit down as Kakashi moves the wicker basket unto the blanket.

"I think it's probably gotten cold by now…" He pulls a little face.

"I do not mind," I swallow, "My love."

His head shoots up, amusement clear on his face. But the unsettling expression is quickly replaced with another, a softer one. One that I could only possibly describe as 'loving'. Kakashi smiles again, pulling the contents out of the wicker basket. He places the food in between us. Sushi, onigiri, sake steamed shrimps, yakitori bites, skewers of broiled shishito and so many other things. All little bite-sized delicious treats. He also unpacks a sealed pitcher of fuitpunch and a thermos which presumably holds tea. Lastly, Kakashi takes out two cups, asking me what I'd like to drink in that soft tone that I already love so much. I smile as I once again blink against the tears in my eyes. I will love him forever.

XXX

I smile as his lips lazily pull the shrimp out of my fingers, placing a quick kiss before retreating again. Kakashi chuckles, completely relaxed as he lays on his side, one elbow supporting him, the other arm comfortably draped over his side. Our legs are tangled, my hand supporting my weight as I lean over him slightly. My other hand busies itself with picking out another bite for him, but finds itself interrupted by Kakashi's hand. Lifting his arm and intertwining his fingers with my own, he places our joined hands against his chest, chuckling once more.

"I've had more than enough, Romeo…"

I pout slightly, feeding him is more fun than I could have ever imagined. But he's got a point, I suddenly realize that most of the food is gone already – while there was probably enough for four people at the start of the meal. I feel a small tug on my hand, my eyes slightly questioning as I look down at Kakashi's amused expression.

"Lips are made for more things than just food or forming words, you know…"

He winks at me, and I chuckle as I get the poorly hidden hint in his words. Leaning down a little more, I brush my lips against his, chills running down my spine at how new and amazing this still feels. He gently untangles his hand, placing it on my back in an effort to pull me down. That's not exactly possible though. I love this man and I don't mind the injuries suffered over the course of the last few days, but dislocating my hip just to kiss him might be taking things a bit too far. So I first disentangle my legs from his, swaying one leg over his body to straddle him before I allow Kakashi to pull be down further. My hand quickly moving from in between our bodies to rest on the other side of him.

Kakashi rolls to his back, wrapping both arms around me and pulling me down until I lay on top of him, all the while placing gentle, lingering kisses on my lips. By now I am quite certain that I would very much like to deepen the kiss, to – for the first time in my life – feel how another's tongue – Kakashi's tongue – slides against mine. But I am unsure how to go about doing that, so I do nothing. Waiting, hoping for Kakashi to take the initiative one more time. But he doesn't. I realize he most likely does not want to pressure me anymore, realize that he must somehow know that he is in so many ways my first. Still, it is a little disappointing.

Kakashi smiles against my lips, I can feel it. A light chuckle shakes his lean form. One hand wandering over my back, the other slowly ever so slowly trailing down. Ghosting over my bottom before moving back up again. I gasp – wasn't expecting that – and by some miracle, I find my wish granted. His tongue, my mouth. Good god.