Chapter 7: Calling You
The Unremarkable House
10:40 pm
Mulder leaves William's photo on the table trying to stop his imagination, the truth is that this case not only brought back memories and feelings to Scully, but to him also, that recurrent dream assaulted him again in the last three days, if only he could leave his past behind and not relate the loss of Samantha to the one of his own child, but that's impossible, that's how he is, no matter if he takes antidepressants, his life is a big loss.
He thinks about Scully, what will be happening inside her head at this moment? Is she asleep? Is she seriously able to sleep after everything that happened the last few days? He would like to be with her and hug her as they used to, feel safe by her side, knowing that they both are safe. Maybe they can start over again, she's been closer, he knows she still love him as much as he does, he need her right now, he walks towards his phone and dial her number.
A sleepy voice answers in the other side of the line - Hello? - he reproaches himself for having called, she was asleep, if he talks to her now about his feelings she will not manage to fall asleep again, he thinks about hanging up but she talks again - Mulder? Is that you? -
He sighs closing his eyes and reproaching himself even more, how on earth does she manage to recognize his breathing? - Yes, it's me Scully, sorry for waking you up - she seems to move in the bed because there are slight sounds next to the speaker
- It's alright Mulder, the truth is that I have not managed to sleep, I really have not slept in the last days, what time is it? - he realizes he is not the only one and feels relieved, of course she haven't slept, not after their conversations, after all the William drama, she isn't sleeping just like him, how badly he wants to hold her right now, and kiss her
- It's ummm, It's almost midnight Scully - he stays silent and she listens to his breathing, something must have happened so that he is calling her so late
- Mulder what's wrong? - he leans against the table and sighs again without answering, he doesn't really know what to say, what did he call her for? to torment her more? He feels like an idiot - Mulder?.. Tell me what's wrong with you? -
He tries to take some strength to respond to her, he feels absolutely guilty and stupid - Scully I ... I was just ... missing you - he says at last making her silent this time - Listen Scully, I'm sorry, really, I ... I don't know what's happening to me ... go back to sleep - he rubs his temples with one hand trying to cover his embarrassment even though she doesn't see it
She closes her eyes listening to him and half smile, she misses him too, so badly, see him again has been both a torture and a blessing to her, she needs him - Mulder, don't hang up, it's fine, really, I ... I've been missing you too … I think this case really affected us - her last words are almost a whisper.
He wants to tell her everything, to tell her that he dreams of William every night, that he thinks of him when he gets up and when he goes to bed, that he was an idiot not to accept it eight years ago and he is still an idiot for not being able to say it - Scully, I need you - That's the only thing he manages to say, and maybe it's the wrong words at the moment, they have not been back in the X files for a long time and he's already confessing his love, maybe the only thing that he manages is to scare her and that she decides to leave again.
She doesn't know what to answer, it's too premature to say something like that, she doesn't want to rush things and ruin everything - Mulder .. I ... I'm sorry I can't do this now ... it's not the time ... not like this - she says trying to hang up.
He doesn't want her to hang up so he tell her the truth - I was thinking about William - he says quickly, she exhales feeling a heavy weight in the chest that threatens with not let her breathe, she closes her eyes trying to regain composure - I'm sorry, I didn't wanna wake you for this, but… I'm sorry - she feels tears begin to fill her eyes and breathes through her mouth without knowing what to say.
He knows that probably now she is crying, feeling the same pain that he is feeling, and he wants to go running to hold her in his arms with strength and tenderness, and tell her that everything is fine because they are together, but that is not their reality, not anymore, he tries to speak again but it is she who interrupts him with a voice that is almost a whisper - I'm sorry Mulder… why you never tell me these things, why you always keep it to yourself making me feel like a fool?... I … Oh god this is so hard… I have to go -
He opens his eyes with terror, no, she can not hang up now - Scully listen to me, the only thing that I always try is to comfort you, we can not be crying all the time and get lost in painful memories, I'm sorry to bother you now, my impulse was stronger than my reason, and I do not wanna make you feel like a fool, that has never been my intention, I'm so sorry, really sorry - he says feeling his voice tremble with the tears that threaten to fall down his cheeks
He hears her sob and feels his heart split in two, why is he so idiotic? why is he having this conversation on the phone when he can not be by her side and hug her?, if he knew her address he would run to her, but the truth is, he doesn't know anything about her life anymore, so what gives him the right to call and torment her with memories about their son? - It's ok Mulder, don't blame yourself, I know you think about him too, is just I wish you be more open about it, maybe that's why we can't heal properly… thank you for this call, I… I think I needed this, I have been needing it the whole week - he smiles bitterly listening to her, that woman always surprises him with her understanding, how the hell did he let her go? how could he have been so stupid not to see that without her his life would no longer make sense? - I love you Scully - he says without thinking and immediately regret it, he mutters a - fuck - trying not to let her hear it, but she did hear it, three words that warm her heart and that draw a smile on her face, she laughs helpless and he follows her - How pathetic is this Scully? I'm sorry, I think I need some sleep -
- I think we both do - she answers immediately trying to hide her nervousness, his words are true and she feel the same, but she is scared, is not the right time - Thanks for calling me Mulder, I'm always glad to hear your feelings, have a good night - he listen to her with his eyes closed, feeling how every word warm his heart - Good night Scully - he hangs up with a smile on his face, she didn't tell him he was crazy when he said he loved her, maybe she still feels the same but it's too soon to say it back, well, at least they can still talk like they use to. He goes upstairs and he throws himself to the bed removing only his shoes and falls asleep in a few minutes.
She hangs up and remain seated in the bed, she touches her lips with one hand and smiles closing her eyes, Mulder still loves her, she already knew that, but hearing it from his lips is a whole new deal, she feels butterflies in her stomach again, as if it were the first time, she would like to be in his arms at this moment and kiss him, more than five years without feeling his lips on hers, it's a life time, and knowing that he has also been thinking about William makes her see that he also loves his son as much as she does. Maybe one day they'll see each other again, at least that's what they want.
She returns to lie on the bed and covers herself with the blanket up to her shoulders, closes her eyes and feels that for the first time in four days, she will manage to go back to sleep peacefully.