Chapter 9: Holding you
Two days later
Lakeside - Virginia
- I know now why Mom asked for Charlie, even though he was out of her life. She wanted to know before he left that he'd be okay. She gave birth to him. She made him. He's her responsibility. And that's why she said what she said to us. She wanted to make sure that we'd be responsible, to know that William's okay. Even though we can't see him. I know that, as parents, we made a difficult sacrifice, to keep him safe. That it was for his own good to put him up for adoption. But I can't help but think of him, Fox. I can't help it. I believe that you will find all of your answers. You will find the answers to the biggest mysteries, and I will be there when you do - she is looking at him with tenderness, he turns to her but he can't stand her gaze - But my mysteries... I'll never have answered. I won't know if he thinks of me, too, or, if he's ever been afraid and wished that I was there. Does he doubt himself because we left him? What questions does he have of me? The same that I have with this quarter? And I want to believe... I need to believe, that we didn't treat him like trash - her voice breaks completely and Mulder wants so badly to make her feel better, he puts his arm around her, and she puts her head on his shoulder, sobbing. Her tears begin to wet his coat so he rock her slowly caressing her arm, she puts her hand on his chest and turns her face hiding it under his neck crying hard, he closes his eyes helplessly, he would give his whole life for not seeing her suffer
- We didn't treat him like trash Scully, he has a normal life now because you were the strongest mother and woman, you saved him, please stop blaming yourself, I know that not knowing what has happened to his life, or if he will be fine, or if he knows something about us is hard. But we should think about him in a positive way, think that he has a good family that treats him well and that has made him a wonderful young man - she smiles bitterly thinking about his words, they must think that they made the right decision and that he is well to be able to live in peace. She pulls away a little and look into his eyes
He gives her a smile and whip her tears with his thumb - I know he is, he is a wonderful young man, I'm sure - she says with a half smile, then she looks down to the black urn and hold her with both her hands, he stands up and then helps her stand and walk through the rocks, both go to the lake shore and Scully opens the urn containing the ashes of her mother, Mulder holds the lid while scully looks for the last time inside the urn - Good trip mom, wait for me at home with Ahab and Melissa... I love you - a single tear roll down her cheek while she pours the ashes into the water letting the wind scatter them over the sand too.
She closes her eyes and thinks of the last time she saw her alive, that day she went to visit her at her house, her mother told her that she was very thin with a worried face, that she wished she were not alone, that she should think about going back to Mulder, that she should take the chance of being working with him again and don't deny all the love she felt for him anymore 'no one is perfect Dana, we all make bad decisions in life, that doesn't mean we are bad people, is just life, I hope one day you don't have to look back and regret it', she remember her words so vividly, that was three months ago, why did she let so much time pass? why she did not worry more about her mother?
She opens her eyes again and looks at the now empty urn, Mulder reaches out and receives it, she hands it to him, staring at him - Mulder, let's go home, will you? - he looks at her with surprise, not knowing if he heard her correctly, is she talking about his house or her apartment? she sees that he looks at her with confusion - I don't want to be alone, not today, can I go to your house? - She continues to look at him with a serious expression, he represses a smile of joy and nods - Of course, yes, it's your house if you still want it - she sighs and reaches out to stroke his cheek - Thank you - he kisses her hand and smiles with tenderness, then walk with her to the car holding her hand.
He opens the passenger door and helps her up, she seems so fragile, it's as if the sadness made her lighter - What do I do with the urn Scully? - he asks carefully, she looks at the urn and then at him - leave it , it's empty, I don't need it - she says bitterly, he nods and closes the door, then puts the urn next to a chair in the parking lot and gets into the car, she has her eyes closed and is holding the quarter in her right hand, he closes the door and starts the engine, she opens her eyes and look at the quarter in her hand, he stretches out his hand and puts it on hers so that the quarter is between both hands - We all have secrets Scully, there are things about parents that children have no right to know, the only thing that matters is that she loved you so much, just remember that - she squeezes his hand making a pout and nods, then sighs and puts the medal back in her jacket pocket.
He drives for more than an hour, she half sleeps all the way exhausted from crying. When they arrive at the house, she wakes up with the rough movement of the car on the uneven surface of the road, he regrets it, he should have paved the way to the house and had managed to carry her from the car to the house - Hey sleepy girl, how are you feeling? - he says with a smile looking at her, she yawns and stretches her back a little looking towards the house - I'm fine - he stops the car and looks at her unbuckling his belt - Are you ready? - She then turns to look at him a little nervous - It was a dare on my part to ask you to bring me here Mulder, I'm sorry - he looks at her tenderly and takes her hand - This will always be your house, and I'm glad to have you here - She half smiles and opens the door, both get out of the car and walk towards the house, Mulder walks after Scully putting his hand on her lower back, she sighs feeling his hand, it's a gesture that she enjoys, he opens the door and let her get in first, everything is clean, something she had noticed the previous time, but now she is looking everything carefully, there are a lot of papers on the wall behind the couch, it seems as if part of his study had moved outside, the kitchen has food, the cupboard seems full, that's new, it seems that he knows how to take care of himself at last, he closes the door and touches her arm - What you wanna do? You want some food, take a shower or go to sleep? -
She looks at him thoughtfully - I would like to take a shower but I have nothing to change - he smiles looking to the side - There are still some of your things in what used to be your drawer, including the shirt of the Knicks that sometimes you used to sleep - she looks surprised and remembers that it's true, she didn't finish taking her things thinking that she would soon return, but she never did - Go to take a shower while I ask for something to eat, okay? - She nods and goes up the stairs, he looks at her tenderly until she disappears completely behind the wall of the stairs, his Scully is back, not forever, but it's a start, maybe the only sad thing is that it was because she just lost a very important part of her life, but that shows him that sadness is more bearable if it is shared, both need each other, they have always done.
She goes up the stairs feeling like a wave of feelings invades her, on the second floor everything remains the same, the room is the same, as if the time had not elapsed, she opens the one that used to be her drawer and there are her clothes, she takes a set of underwear, the Knicks shirt and pajama pants, then takes a towel out of the closet, it's still in the same place, she takes the opportunity to inspect Mulder's clothes, there are several new jackets and a lot of jeans, on the floor next to the shoes there's a small box, her curiosity pushes her to take it out and put it on the bed, when she opens it, she cover her mouth with her hand and frowns, inside there are pictures of both her of them and William, she takes a picture of their vacations on the beach, they were so happy then, that makes her smile, then she takes a picture of William, the baby is smiling in the crib looking straight at her, she can't help feeling how her throat closes, she puts everything back in quickly and closes the closet, then runs towards the bathroom and closes the door leaning against it, what a terrible idea was that, she undresses in a hurry and gets under the shower, she doesn't expect the water to heat but let the ice water fall on her head and cries, she cries inconsolably until she start to tremble without stop, she wraps herself in the towel and sits on the toilet lid, suddenly Mulder knocks on the door - Scully? Are you alright? - She makes an effort so her voice doesn't sound shaky from the crying - Yes, just a minute - he doesn't speak again but no footsteps are heard, so he must still be waiting outside, she cleans her tears and get dress, but she can't stop shaking, apparently she is in shock, she wraps her hair in the towel and goes out to see Mulder standing in front of her.
He sees her tremble and hugs her immediately with concern, then he sits next to her in the bed gazing her - Scully, what's happening? How can I help you? -
She denies with her head hugged to him - Just give me a blanket, I need to recover the heat - he pulls a blanket out of the closet and wraps her in it, then helps her up into the bed putting her under the blankets - I'm going to prepare some tea, It won't be long - he runs downstairs and in a matter of three minutes he is back, his worried face makes her smile
- I'm not dying Mulder, relax, I'll be fine - she says while warming her hands holding the hot cup - I think I shouldn't have take a shower with cold water - He looks between surprised and angry - Scully! That water is like brought from the north pole, you wanted to die? - he immediately regrets his words and sighs - I'm sorry, do you feel better? -
She looks at him half smiling, but with sad eyes - a little - He then climbs onto the bed and sits behind her letting her lie on his chest to warm her, she feels so small in his arms, but the heat of his body causes her trembling to end, she finishes her tea and puts the cup on the night table, then puts her hands under the sheets and closes her eyes still lying on Mulder's chest, he then removes the towel from her hair and combs it with his fingers making her shiver, but she doesn't stop him, he dries her hair the best he could and then throws the towel away making her laugh - You really don't know the concept of order, do you? - he laughs too kissing her cheek and catching her by surprise - You know me Scully, I'm the order in person - she smiles denying with her head - You wanna eat? the delivery order arrived before you left the shower -
She nods and turns to look at him - yes, but, let's stay here for a while, ok? - he nods and kiss her cheek again holding her tighter and they remain like that until the sun hides behind the mountains.