Chapter 5: The Punch-line

Hit looked at the Loud residence once more in the darkness and walked up the porch steps. He thought to himself as he neared the door. "Just like usual. Go in, do the job, leave undetected. Another day at the office." He spoke aloud. He looked at the door handle and gripped it. However, something stopped him from opening it. The door was not locked, and was completely vulnerable to intrusion. Hit then caught something out of the corner of his eye and saw a blinking red light mounted by the window to his left.

"A camera?" Hit questioned. Then he remembered the briefing his clients gave him.

"She pulls that severe of pranks on April Fools' day?"

"Yes. Luan is merciless with them and goes to extremes for a laugh."

"She LITTERALLY becomes the Devil on the day of doom."

"I see. I'll keep that in mind."

Hit looked straight ahead and took a deep breath. "Do your worst, comedian." Hit opened the door and was instantly sprayed by a reddish-orange substance. It burned his face and eyes and briefly blinded him. He heard laughter from somewhere as he was constantly sprayed. He instantly recognized the voice as Luan.

"Welcome to casa Loud, Hit! I thought we could SPICE up our little date. Hope it's HOT enough for you!" She laughed from seemingly no where. Hit simple stood firm in the doorway and wiped the hot sauce from his face.

"I give you a day to get your affairs in order and this is how you choose to spend it? You barricade yourself behind flimsy walls and set up childish traps." He questioned "Very well. You'll just go out struggling like the chicken you are." He spat as he began to search the house for Luan.

"Good luck finding me. This house has dozens of rooms, and even more traps. PRANKly, I think you should leave. Get it?" She laughed. Hit decided to check up stairs first. He grabbed the railing and walked up the first step, stopping when he heard a soft splat. He looked and saw a margarine oil coating the steps and he instantly knew what Luan wanted to happen.

Hit tensed his body up and soon time around him froze, and he took the time to go up the steps. The halt of time stopped the momentum from the oil and he didn't slip on a single step. From Luan's perspective, it seemed like Hit had just warped to the top instantly. Regardless, she didn't let her confidence falter. "So you climbed the stairs? I find that kind of a-DOOR-able. Especially considering there are so many beds to hide in up here!" She mocked the purple man from the shadows.

Hit glanced from left to right making note of the doors. Each one was slightly cracked open as if it was supporting something. Hit confirmed his suspicion by kicking the door to Lola and Lana's room open. A bucket filled with mechanical joke dentures spilled onto the ground clattering rapidly. He walked into the bedroom and crushed one of the toys with his boot. Luan saw this from another camera and broke a sweat. "Wow. Heh, you sure know how to BREAK the ice at a party. Heh." She chuckled. Hit spotted the camera and looked at it dead center.

"The next one I attend will be your funeral." Luan's blood turned ice cold at the sound of the threat. She took a couple deep breaths to calm herself down.

"Ok, this isn't so bad. After all. He's still got a couple rooms left to explore up there." She reassured herself. Hit looked at all the doors in the hallway and planned his next course of action. He took careful consideration of the layout he was given of the house and possible hiding spots his target could lie in wait.

So he decided to go back downstairs. Luan saw this and got nervous again. "Hey, Hit where are you going? Are you starting to SLIP on your performance lately?" She asked in reference to the stairs which Hit warped back down with his Time-Skip.

"If I waste time searching upstairs, when you are actually downstairs, you will escape. Not that I can't track you down. I just don't want to risk witnesses." He explained calmly as he turned into the living room.

"W-well you certainly don't know what's… What is… Up?" Luan stumbled to make a joke and Hit smirked.

"Humph. That break in your facade proves it. You aren't on the second floor at all!" The assassin concluded. Luan gasped in horror at how she had been completely out-foxed and walked into such a simple trap. "Just come out and accept your fate with dignity." He tried to reason. Luan trembled and sweat as she saw Hit enter the kitchen, drawing ever closer to the basement door. Fear kept bubbling up in Luan and she started to hyperventilate. Her mind raced from things like jokes and gags to a fear of death. Then, she remembered something from earlier.

"The caramel bomb! I still have a chance." She reached down and grabbed the detonator and felt her confidence slowly returning as Hit walked by the kitchen table. Luan suddenly clicked the button and Hit heard a high pitched beeping from under the table. He looked underneath as the pace got faster and saw the large block of brown candy.

SPLOOOSH!

The entire kitchen was coated in the sticky ooze and the rumble was felt throughout the building. Luan couldn't help but laugh triumphantly. "Wow, it sure was HIT or miss there. But I know how to get out of a STICKY situation." She kept laughing and laughing as how she had stopped Hit from killing her. "Man, I'm seriously going to need a long joke storming session to calm down after all this."

WHAM!

The door to the basement swung open to reveal Hit, who didn't have even a speck of goop on his body. "How is this for a joke? I don't CAREA-bout stunts you pull. Get it?" He snarled. Luan was mortified at how Hit loomed over her. He walked down the stairs slowly as Luan trembled and crawled to the back wall. "No more jokes?" He asked with a serious expression on his face. Luan could barely process the world around her. Only noting her last ditch effort and Hit's piercing red eyes.

"I'm. Not. Kicking. THE BUCKET!" She screamed as she pulled a rope from behind her. The force brought down a paint bucket from the wall to try and strike Hit from behind. But the assassin tilted his body to the side and the bucket struck Luan in the stomach, and knocked her down to the ground. Luan knelt in pain and looked up at the man before her.

"Any last words that aren't puns?" He asked. Luan just kept crying, unable to bring herself to speak. The pain on her was too intense, physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. Hit looked down at her and felt a sense of nostalgia. Despite the severely different circumstances, the girl reminded him of a…certain figure…from a past contract.

He decided to speak. "I once tried to kill another target." He lamented. "This… man was a fighter like you. Not mentally, but physically. And although he didn't cry, I could sense he was as scared as you. I asked this man a question, a question that I want to ask you." Luan looked up in curiosity. "If I merely let you disappear from the world and I told my client I killed you, when in reality you were living elsewhere. What would you do with that offer?" Luan looked down again and sniffed.

What she said next caught Hit off guard.

"I'd say I don't deserve it." She spat depressed. "Every April Fools', for as long as I can remember, I've been a total jerk. My pranks go to extremes and are even deadly sometimes. I mean, encasing my family in gelatin!? They could have suffocated and died, what was I THINKING?!" She screamed. "I should be thankful they even put up with me for this long. A psycho like me doesn't deserve a second chance." She moaned in defeat.

Hit's expression didn't change as Luan continued. "But regardless of who hired you, whether it was my parents, sisters, brother, or even some stranger I pissed off. Promise me something Hit." Hit reached behind him and prepared for his final strike. Luan stood up, arms at her side, and closed her eyes as she spoke.

"Tell them I'm sorry for everything. That they never have to suffer my over the top pranks again." She pleaded. "Can you tell them that?" Hit paused and made note of her words and final request.

"I'll make sure they know how you feel…"

"… Happy April Fools' Day, Luan Loud."

TO BE CONCLUDED