Dear Diary
Chapter nineteen: I'm so into you
XXX
A/N: Diary time! Which means back in time ;)
My awesomely amazing Beta is Marina, you all wish you had a wonderful Beta like her, but she´s all mine ^.^
I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)
XXX
Dear Diary,
It's like, the middle of the night right now, Diary. And I can't believe how hard it is to sleep tonight… It's more than a little embarrassing to be frank. This morning – well, afternoon, but you know what I mean. After I woke up. Anyway, I was on my way over to Hokage Tower, ready to receive another exciting D-rank mission. I have to say… I almost forgot how boring the first couple of months with a new gennin squad are… Of course, Naruto is already demanding an A-rank. It's a little funny, there's always one that refuses to follow the routine of D-rank missions. But I don't think I've ever met a gennin so persistent as Naruto Uzumaki. Oh well…
Naruto isn't the reason why I can't sleep, Diary. I'm pretty sure you guessed as much already, right? Right. On my way over, I passed Gai and Lee, doing whatever it is they do under the guise of training. This time, Gai was walking on his hands, with Lee doing squats on Gai's feet, way up in the air. It was funny, so I watched them for a little while. To be fair, almost everyone was watching. You don't see something like that every day. Well, nowadays you kind of do, Gai and Lee are attached at the hip. I'm a little jealous of that kid sometimes… Wow, that sounded petty, didn't it? Yeah, it did.
Thing is, everyone around me was laughing. Poking a little fun, placing bets. I don't like it when people do that, but I know that Gai doesn't really care all that much, so I've learned to keep quiet. Gai does what Gai does, right? I think it's pretty amazing. But what started out as a sight that was a little funny, something to take my mind off my troublesome three, quickly changed into… Trouble.
You see, Diary… It became increasingly more difficult to keep my thoughts… Chaste. I mean, he wears this spandex, right? Right. And you know what that does to me. Days like these, I'm so incredibly happy I wear a mask, and that the uniform has nice, loose pants. Eventually, after what seemed like eternity, Gai and Lee disappeared out of sight. And I realized that I had to go.
I managed to keep my attention focused on my team for the most part, all throughout the day. You know I never manage to focus all my attention on them, but that's just because it's boring. D-ranks are boring, and inexperienced gennin are boring and each of them has yet to surprise me. They will, in time. I know that much. They all have it in them. I'm thinking Sasuke will be the first to bloom. After that, it's a tie between the other two. Naruto is a knucklehead, but Sakura is too hesitant. Too preoccupied with book smarts and rules. But I kept my head in the game for the entire day, Diary! I almost deserve a medal for staying focused after seeing Gai walk around like that. He doesn't even realize, does he? How damned sexy he is…
But then… I went home. I had a quick dinner, read Icha Icha again, took a shower… And that's where my day went wrong, Diary. Thoughts of Gai kept popping up, and now I can't put him out of my head again. I keep seeing him. I keep wondering what it'd feel like to rest my hands against his bare chest. I would feel all those muscles, and maybe I'd even have the courage to let my touch wander down a little. Rock-hard abs, I tell you. I know they're there. I've felt them. But even though that spandex isn't much of an obstruction… It's not skin either.
I can't help but think about what I'd find if I let my hands drop even lower… I know he's… Grown some, since I had the privilege to see. I know he's… Matured. I wish I could touch him. I wish he would touch me. What would it feel like to have those big hands on my own naked skin? They're calloused, so it'd feel a little rough, but the same could be said for my own hands. But I know that Gai would be gentle. He's so much more gentle than people seem to realize.
In the old days, I'd go out now. Find myself a girl. But I don't even want to do that anymore. I've had it with relationships that last for less than a week. I've had it with one-night stands. I'm just… Not interested. I'm only interested in one person, Diary. But he's never, ever going to feel the same, now is he? To Gai, I'm the 'eternal rival'. I'm an obstacle to overcome. Someone to proof his worth to. Oh, he's proven it already, Diary. He's proven it to the point where I can't stand next to him and focus on whatever it is that I'm supposed to be focusing on. I know that upsets him. Gai refers to that as my 'hip and cool attitude'. It's not. It's really not. It's just me trying not to think about reaching out and touching him. The kind of touching that he would never, ever accept.
Diary… Is it really bad to think about dropping to my knees and… Pleasuring him? I mean… He's my friend, right? I can't do something like that, right? Right. Gai is my friend. I'm a disgusting, perverted monster. But I can't stop thinking about it, Diary… I'm so, so incredibly sorry but I just can't. I can't stop thinking about reaching down and feeling him in my hand. I can't stop imagining how he would look when he cums. I'm a pervert, Diary…
I'm horrible, aren't I? Really, Sakura is right. She keeps calling me a pervert, you know. She has no idea…
It hurts, Diary. It hurts so much… I keep deciding to keep my distance, to stay as far away from Gai as I possibly can. But then I see him, and… I just want to cry, Diary… To be fair, I really am crying right now, I'm sorry for getting you wet. I know moisture is bad for you, but I just can't stop crying. I'm sorry, Diary. I'm sorry Gai. I'm sorry Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto. I'm so sorry. I'm just a perverted bastard.
I'm such a bad person… I can't stop imagining my best friend naked! What the hell is wrong with me? I can't stop thinking about sexual things that I'd like to do with my best friend! It's gross, isn't it? You can yell at me, Diary. I deserve it. I so deserve it.
Oh, why does Gai have to wear that blasted spandex? Why does he insist on making it even harder for me not to think about that amazing body of his? He's so kind, and warm, and trusting… I'm betraying that trust, Diary. I'm betraying Gai every time I think about him. He's supposed to be my best friend, my eternal rival. I don't mind that he wants to challenge me all the time, even if he has really bad timing sometimes. But what I do mind, Diary… What I do mind is that he gets so close to me, that he touches me. Every time he touches me I have to fight an inner war. Where one camp wants nothing more than to turn around and kiss him, touch him back. And the other camp keeps screaming that Gai is my friend. He's my friend, Diary! How can I possibly think about doing dirty things with my friend?! I'm a disgusting monster! Please… Someone… Stop this…
K.