Thursday, April 24th, 2014.

This is the first entry that I explicitly do not want to write an entry. For many reasons. So first, I guess I'll just recount everything that's safe...

The platoon successfully cleared Sector B. I divided the platoon in half and had the combined fleets secure what's left of Sector B to confirm that we had indeed eliminated all Abyssal presence from the sector waters, and we left the place in flames, burning everything. Just as according to plan, I gave my flagship, the U.S.S. George Washington, a final salute as I transferred my platoon over to the Harry S. Truman, my new Carrier Strike Group 10 flagship. Again, my men of the crew of the George Washington gave us the honor of a full deck salute, complete with a twenty-one gun salute, even if the occasion wasn't technically correct. Because to all of us, the decommission of the carrier aboard which they'd all served was just as bad as a death of an old friend and comrade.

The ship girls were pretty surprised that I could show so much formality. I'd acted so chill and laid-back during my four months commanding them in Okinawa that they were caught off guard by my display of deep respect for my former flagship - with the exception of the starter five, of course, who'd personally seen what kind of person I can be if I decide to go full army drill sergeant on them. But even they, too, seemed pretty touched by my own salute to the George Washington.

But enough with the mushiness towards my own ship - with the completion of their intended purpose of construction, the ship girls quickly dove into a mood of uncertainty and worry after the initial feelings of triumph and final victory wore off. I had to deal with the girls swarming me, asking me what would happen to them or what they would have to do now that the war against the Abyssals was now over. They'd expected to be fighting for at least a few years, since that's what they were told to expect, but now that only a mere four months've gone by, they're seriously left in the dark about what's going to become of them.

Their confusion is completely understandable, and while I wasn't able to tell them, the protocols of the Moebius Four Armament are still fresh on my mind as they were when I wrote that comprehensive report three months ago. So before the combined fleet arrived at Okinawa, I spoke to Big and the rest of Seal Team Six in private and asked them myself what would end up happening to the platoon, in the context of the Moebius Four Armament Pact. They assured me that they would do everything in their power to keep the fleet safe; they weren't going to be scrapped, and if anything of the like did happen to them, they could sue the Japanese government for up to billions of dollars and wreck their usually pristine government budget. Not exactly the revenge plan I had in mind, but whatever. In the meantime, I did tell the platoon that everything would be sorted out, but they should keep their eyes and ears peeled for any news that was less than welcome.

When we did arrive back at base in Okinawa and after we sent the fleet off, we got to work making the biggest party we'd ever had. Seal Team Six will be staying here with us for a few days, since they managed to acquire some intel from Sector B when they flew in before the islands got firebombed to oblivion and want to get to work analyzing their loot right away. Both Shinsengumi and the kitchens were open all afternoon and night long, and Lauren and Losira helped out Houshou, Mamiya, and Irako with the cooking, and virtually the entire fleet helped out. And after the preparations were done, we brought out all the food and all the drinks outside near the pier, and we pigged the hell out, because hey, the war's over.

At this point I can't think of anything else to write to delay the inevitable, so I might as well get this down and over with, the reason why I didn't want to write today's entry.

Last night, when we were still aboard my former flagship, I wrote in the last entry that someone was knocking on my door. It turned out to be Samidare.

No, it wasn't an assassination attempt, like I thought it might've been.

Instead, it turned out to be the exact opposite.

You know, I still remember that day when I took a nap in my office with Samidare way back when. Don't remember how long ago exactly - maybe two, maybe three months ago. Back then, I mentioned how she smelled really good, how her hair was really nice and beautiful and everything. I didn't think that I would come to know a lot, lot more than just what her hair smells like.

I've never been in love, neither have I had sex before. I'd always shunned the fast-and-loose attitude that everyone else seemed to have in high school, not because of any particular set of morals but just simply because I didn't feel that kind of attitude fit me. Plus, it just seemed kind of...eh, stupid, is the word, I suppose, to concern yourself with nothing but sex and drugs. The problem was that I took this mentality to such an extent that I've never known what it's like to be in a relationship, and because I'm now well past the age of puberty, when hormones usually rage wild for most teens (sarcasm), I'm a bit afraid that maybe I'll just end up never knowing what it feels like to really care about someone. (No thanks to my parents.)

So all of this leads into my fear that effectively, I'm putting Samidare in danger, somehow and in some way. Because she's chosen that it's worth her time and virginity to spend a night sleeping with me to the ignorance of the rest of the fleet, Samidare is now constantly on my mind for all the wrong reasons. What if the rest of the fleet finds out? It'll sting a bit if the girls start thinking that I'm now falling into the temptation of preying after the ship girls now, starting with Samidare, which is not my intention at all. But what worries me much more is what the fleet would think of Samidare. If they don't think I'm just a shitty Admiral trying to go after his own ship girls, they may start seeing Samidare as a slut or something. I don't think it'll happen, but it still could. Plus, what would her ship sisters say? What kind of reactions would they have if they find out that Samidare's spent a night with me? Would Shigure, Yuudachi, and Harusame reject her? Support her? Shun her? What would they do? Honestly, I don't know and can't say. And don't even get me started on what would happen if the news that a foreigner Admiral's been getting down 'n dirty with his own ship girls reaches the Japanese government, 'cause then I would for sure get my ass kicked out of Okinawa and back in America, where it might even come to haunt me still and lose me my position in the Navy. (Well, not that that's too important, it would piss off my parents, but like I give a shit about that.)

But what bothers me personally is the fact that I'm not being bothered by any particular feelings of love or affection for Samidare, but instead by worry. I highly doubt that's normal. I know that everyone reacts to different things differently, but I thought that when the day came that I would ever have sex with anyone, it would be with someone I would grow to care deeply about. I think I've mentioned this before, about my sense of romanticism and how I prefer saving myself for someone I'd really like to marry. Obviously that's been thrown out the damn window with no chance of recovery. But my point is that after last night, I kind of expected to find myself thinking more about Samidare in a good way, not about all the worries and implications that come out of our newly established relationship. Well, I mean, I guess it's caring for her, just in a different sense. But while I do admit that Samidare has now smashed her way out of the friendzone that I put her in a few weeks ago, it's just...I don't know...how should I put this, I don't quite love Samidare yet. The feelings I have for her are definitely not love. Is there a word for the tier below love? Like, I guess? But I don't just like her, but I don't quite love her. This hurts my brain.

This is why I'm a military officer. Killing people or telling people to kill other people is a lot easier to do than the opposite. My job is to make war, not love, even if it would be nice if it were the other way around.

So you can imagine my supreme awkwardness when Samidare came to spend some time with me towards the end of our little celebratory party in the middle of the night, I would venture to say around three or four in the morning. We sat together moongazing and stargazing in front of the black nighttime sea out on the pier. I did talk a bit about what I've mentioned here, how I couldn't help but worry for her, that it might've been better if we never did have sex together, but Samidare told me not to worry. Whatever happened, she said, she would never regret being able to become someone special to me. And now that I think about what she told me earlier tonight, "someone special" is probably most accurate. More than just someone I like but not quite someone I love, Samidare is definitely someone special to me.

Then again, what prevents all the other girls in the fleet from being special to me? What about Shigure, Yuudachi, Murakumo, Inazuma, Ooyodo, everyone? Aren't they all special to me? And so in that case, Samidare would be a tier above that, right? Ugh, enough about tiers or something - and here I was thinking my life would never turn into a harem eroge game.

Nevertheless, Samidare officially confessed her love to me underneath the bright moon tonight...as if she hadn't done so before.

"I love you, Admiral. If you need anything, anything at all, please don't hesitate to ask me. I'll always do anything I can for you."

I don't mean to sound like a high school emo kid, but I actually don't ever recall anyone saying sweeter things to me than that.

And on top of which, she pledged that even if I would choose another ship girl over her, she would understand and still continue to love me nonetheless, even if she herself ended up marrying someone else.

"I'll always remember you as a very special Admiral in my heart," Samidare told me.

Even though her name means early summer rain, Samidare really did warm my heart. So even if I discover that I'm not capable of learning what it truly means to fall in love with someone, I'll do my best to protect her in any way I can. Who knows...maybe Samidare will eventually teach me something that I've never learned before.