Chapter 20: I failed you
She holds the snowball in her hands and thinks about the boy, what if he is really William? Why would he choose to die right before they find him? Why did he communicate with her so many times if he didn't want to see her in person? She feels footsteps on the stairs and puts the globe in the pocket of her coat, Mulder comes in again and stands next to her very close, taking her by the shoulder - I have a bad feeling about this case Scully... are you ready to go? - she nods and he invites her to walk in front of him putting his hand on her lower back.
He opens the door and let her get in, then walks around and gets in the driver's seat, she seems lost in her thoughts, so he stays silent and turns on the engine driving to the hospital. He is affected too, very, but as always, he tries to be strong for Scully, she has suffered enough.
He hopes that this boy is not really William, what prompted him to commit suicide?, he doesn't believe that he murdered his parents even if that is the theory of the police. But he doesn't want the last memory of his son for both, is a boy with a bullet in the head inflicted by himself, it's like a nightmare.
They arrive at the hospital and wait, the body is transferred to the morgue and they must wait to be authorized to examine it, Scully is nervous, she looks very small sitting in that chair next to him, her expression is sad, he is worried she is maybe falling of that cliff right now, as she said before they get inside the house, he holds her with his arm around her shoulder bringing her close to him - I will come with you if you want - she swallows and looks at him, she can see he's sad too, she knows him, she know that expression, he is trying to held back his emotions, she frowns and denies looking at the floor.
At that moment a nurse gives them authorization to enter and both stand up, she walks towards the morgue and he stays behind looking at her, she is definitely falling apart, her walk is slow and insecure, he feels a hollowness in his chest, not only because of that boy who can be William, but because of her, seventeen years of torture, and now even more guilty for the suicide of her son, this has to be a joke, this has to be a mistake, the world is gone mad.
She walks to the morgue, squeezing the sample taker in her hand until her knuckles turn white, going in there and seeing him again is a nightmare, having to take that DNA sample is a catastrophe, what the hell did they do so life keep punishing them? Why does an innocent boy have to pay for them? Why can't they have a moment of happiness and tranquility without something tormenting them again?
She enters the small room and goes to a counter, opens the bottle and takes the small cotton tube to her mouth to take her own DNA sample, then takes the other bottle and to the table next to the body, she looks at the closed black bag and feels terror to open it, but she must do it. A trembling hand holds the zipper the and opens the bag revealing the young man's head, his face full of blood makes her eyes begin to fill with tears, she takes the bottle sample and a scissors and cuts a piece of the boy's hair and grunts it in the bottle closing it again.
She looks again at the young man and sit next to the body feeling a great pain in her heart, she has a lot to say, she swallows feeling a lump in her throat, is this is really her son, she has to tell him what she's feeling, no matter if she can't hear her, she has to. Mulder stands outside the door, he doesn't want her to see him, he just wants to be sure she's ok, she begins to talk, and his pain grows inside his chest.
- I don't know if you are who I think you might if you are William this is what I'd say… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't get a chance to know you, or you get a chance to know me, or your father… I gave you up for adoption, not because I didn't want you, or because you were any less loved. I was trying to keep you safe, I hope you know that… Uh, and maybe maybe I should have had the courage to stand by you. But I thought I was being strong, because it was the hardest thing I've ever done - She sniffles and tears fall down her cheeks - I mean to let go. And to know that I was gonna miss your whole life… But it turns out that this is the hardest thing, to see the outcome, and how I failed you - She cries disconsolately - I need you to know that I never forgot you… And I thought, I felt that even recently, that we were gonna somehow be reunited… I wish I could have been there to ease your pain. - She looks down with sorrow letting her tears fall to the floor - Oh, my God, this is so inadequate… I'm just so sorry. I'm so sorry - She sniffles and sighs letting her pain go away, she looks up towards the door and sees Mulder - Have you been there the whole time? - She asks with a broken voice
He denies with a sad face and walks towards her - No, but I heard enough, you have nothing to apologize for - he holds her tight and she cries in his chest holding him as if her life depended on it - This is torture, Mulder - he looks down at the boy and can't stand it, he looks away feeling new pain hitting him, she pulls away and holds the two bottles from the table behind her - I need to get the results -
He looks down and hold them for her - Okay. We can use the lab here and get a DNA comparison - she nods agreeing - They'll be back in two hours - she nods again whispering a positive answer, he let her go out first and turns off the lights walking behind her, he puts his hand in her lower back guiding her towards the lab, both leave the samples there and go to sit in the waiting room, he sits beside her crossing his arm behind her back, so that she lies on his chest, the latest events have kept her awake and she is exhausted - Mulder - she whispers, he waits for her to continue - what will happen if it is really William? This is not what I plan for our son when he tries to move him away from danger - new tears fall down his cheeks and he hugs her tightly, he tries not to think about that, but he can't help but imagine what she does, if that body is the one of his son, it is as if they had failed in all aspects of their lives
- I don't know Scully, I… We have to know this is not our fault, we can't decide for him, I really don't know… I just know this is not your fault, you protected him, sometimes life is… complicated - she sighs and close her eyes wiping her tears with her hand - Don't cry Scully, we will be fine - he kiss her temple and she sniffs.
After and hour she falls asleep in his chest, he on the other hands is unable to do it, he counts the minutes, trying to imagine what will be the result, he pulls away a bit trying not to wake her up and puts her on the sofa, she seems to sleep deeply and doesn't notice, then he puts her coat on her to protect her from the cold of the night, he walks to the laboratory and asks about the results, the manager tells him to wait another twenty minutes, he walks around trying to clear his head, he needs to know, the wait is killing him, what will he do if is really William? Years of suffering trying to imagine a happy life for him, and turns out he was not happy at all.
the manager of the laboratory calls him and walks towards him delivering the results and apologizing he goes away, his hand trembles unable to look at the result, he sits and breaths out trying to regain strength, he opens the envelope and quickly the sheet, his pulse accelerates and he feels that morality falls to the floor, tears fall down his cheeks without him being able to avoid it, their son, he is death, William, killed himself, this can't be real, he feels empty and useless, his desire to see his son again and talk to him vanished in the blink of an eye, he thinks about Scully and how he is going to tell him, at times like these he would like to be able to pray and ask a high power for comfort, he remains seated until he is able to stand up again and go to give the news to Scully.