Dear Diary
Chapter 29: I wanna hear you say the words

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A/N: I know it's been forever (and a couple more days) and I deeply and sincerely apologize. I was so stuck on this story that I didn't even manage to put a single sentence down for weeks. But, here's the latest chapter, I hope you'll like it!

Thank you Marina, for your amazing Beta. I couldn't have done it without you ^,^

I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)

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Dear Diary,

Please tell me yesterday didn't happen! If you tell me Diary, I promise I will believe you.

Honestly, I have no idea where that bout of confidence came from yesterday, and I still can't believe I actually wore one of Gai's jumpsuits! This is all so embarrassing…

K.

My eyes drift over to the green spandex that is still hanging off the back of my chair. I can't believe I wore that! Outside! Okay, to be fair, I didn't leave Gai's place till after dark. I'm pretty sure no-one saw…

Rising from my place on the bed, I stretch my back before carefully placing my Diary back into its drawer. Sighing, I glance at the abomination of green once more. I should wash it and return it. But it still vaguely smells of Gai. As does my hair, which I should wash anyway. My hair needs a lot of attention after all. But I just can't seem to get myself to get around to either of those tasks. Erasing Gai's smell from my apartment is… Just not feasible at this time.

Stepping out onto my balcony, there is a bounce in my step. Locking the door behind me, I can feel a smile tug at my lips. Yes, I'm horribly embarrassed about it, but the fact that Gai and I jacked off together still remains. And oh boy did he look hot!

Jumping down to the street, I'm hardly aware of where I'm going, my trusty Icha Icha in hand. The people around me make sure I don't bump into anyone and it almost feels like entire buildings step aside when I get too close. That's probably my imagination, though. Still, this is a happy day. A good day. Gai is mine, and we're not hiding it, and I'm on my way to have breakfast with him once more.

All of that is great, but right now… Right now I'm entranced by my book. Or rather, the possibilities in it. Something seems to have changed. A new light being shed on the way the characters interact with each other. By now, I'm pretty sure. Pretty sure that the storyline that I'd picked up on when I first read this book, the storyline that Jiraiya dropped, that it's… Really there. There are hints of a gay couple, or at least a gay character in Icha Icha. I bloody knew it!

"Kakashi-sensei!"

Blinking, I look up. Sakura is beaming at me, hands folded behind her back, eyes sparkling, "Kakashi-sensei, I've been thinking – "

Do I really want to know what she's been thinking of? Probably not. It's probably going to involve Gai and me, and I'm just not ready to have that kind of conversation yet. Boys are still kind of a mystery to teenage girls, like girls are kind of a mystery to teenage boys. I like it that way. It's a status quo I've taken advantage of numerous times. I don't want to have to explain to her what Gai and I do together – mostly because I have no clue. I mean, I know what I'd like to do, but… I'm pretty sure that's not happening. Not anytime soon anyway, "Sakura…" My voice comes out weak, and I swallow hard. But before I can open my mouth again, she interrupts me.

"I wanted to show you how far I've come, Kakashi-sensei," Hopeful eyes peer up at me but I'm too surprised to actually respond. Sakura frowns lightly, "You know, with my medical ninjutsu…?"

Oh… Right… We did sort of agree to be a part of each other's lives again. And I want to, I really want to. But right now… "Sakura, I'm sort of on my way somewhere…"

"Off to meet Gai-sensei?" She smiles a little naughtily, "I ran into Tenten earlier. She said Gai-sensei didn't have time for training either."

"Eh…" Rubbing the back of my head, I slip Icha Icha back into my pouch, "We were going to have breakfast together, yes. Do you… Do you mind?"

"Oh sensei! Of course I don't mind!" Smiling brightly, Sakura cocks her head a little, "How about we meet after lunch? One o'clock? That way you two have some time together."

"Ah, yes. Thank you, Sakura," She nods, continuing on her way. As the chuunin walks off, she turns back to me, "I'll meet you in front of the library, okay sensei?"

I smile at her. A real smile. Raising my hand a little, I nod, "One o'clock, library. See you there, Sakura."

As I round the corner, there is a bounce in my step, a smile on my face and chuckles all but forcing their way up. I'm… Happy. Really happy. I love Gai, Gai loves me. Things with Sakura are going to work out, I'm sure of it.

Nearing the restaurant across from Gai's apartment building – It's quickly becoming our regular place – I can feel a blush starting to creep up. Gai will be here. The guy that I jacked off in front of yesterday. And after that I completely embarrassed myself talking about the spandex jumpsuit and how much I love seeing Gai wearing it. I totally went off on a rant about how much I love the way he looks in his outfit, how much I love watching the outline of every single muscle as he flexes them. How I've been replaying every single move of his over and over in my head for years. About how I don't like the flack jacket on him, simply because it obstructs my view. I… Completely embarrassed myself. My pace slows, my hesitation grows and suddenly… I don't want to be here anymore. But as my name is called out a second time today, I realize I don't really have too much of a choice. Besides, I love him right? I want to be with him. We'll just have to try to get past the awkward together. Crinkling my eye, I raise my hand, "Gai, good morning!"

Immediately frowning, Gai freezes on the spot, "What is wrong?"

Taken aback by his sudden coolness, I frown too, "Nothing, why?"

"You are doing that fake eye-smile again, my rival. You… Do you not want to be here? Do you not want to…" Inching closer, he finishes his sentence in a quiet but clearly hurt whisper, "Be with me?"

I swallow hard. Busted. Sighing, I turn to the door, "Can we please talk about this inside, Gai?" I don't wait for a reply, instead making my way inside and to the nearest privacy booth. Behind me, I can hear Gai following, but I don't look back. After sitting down next to each other in the small booth, we give our order to the waiter that arrived only seconds after Gai before closing the door of the privacy booth.

"Gai… Look…" Unsure how to continue, I stare down at my hands. I don't really know how to say this, or even what exactly I want to say. I just want to… Calm him down, I guess?

"Is this about yesterday?" His voice sounds even, emotionless. It hurts.

"In a way? I mean, it's not like… Gai…" I sigh, "Look, I want to be with you. I love you. But… I got… Embarrassed, about what happened yesterday…"

"And you think I did not?"

"Eh…" My hand rubs the back of my head. Honestly, I'd never thought about it.

"Kakashi –" Gai interrupts himself with a sigh, swallows hard and then sighs again, "At least you – You have…" Another small sigh before he whispers, "Experience…"

I can't help a small embarrassed smile, not wanting to seem closed off I make the conscious decision to pull down the mask before grabbing Gai's hand, "Not with this, Gai. We're pretty much on even ground here. I… I wish!" As his eyes shoot up to my face, and embarrassed chuckle escapes me, "Gai… If I did have any experience with another man, I wouldn't be so fucking awkward all the time. Trust me."

A crooked smile appears on my lover's face as he lets his fingers run ever so softly over the back of my hand, "I want to, Kakashi. I really do. I'm just…"

"Nervous. I know, same here."

A polite knock on the door interrupts us, and I use my free hand to pull up the mask. Gai uses his free hand to slide the door open, allowing the waiter to see our joined hands lying on the table like it was the most normal thing in the world. And it is – for straight couples. To his honor, the waiter barely glances at our hands. His cheeks might be coloring ever so lightly, but his tone is the same as always, "Good morning gentlemen. Here is your breakfast for this morning, I hope that you'll enjoy."

I can't help it, leaning sideways on the comfortable couch, I rest my body against Gai's, "Oh we will, don't worry," I wink, almost chuckling as Gai immediately wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me even closer against his body.

In front of us, the young man shakes his head a little, chuckling, "Darn guys… You just lost me my bet!"

I blink, knowing Gai is most likely doing the same. His tone a little disbelieving as he stutters, "Y-your bet…?"

"Yeah," Smiling, he relaxes, "Chef and I bet that you wouldn't reveal yourself. I said it was only a matter of time, Chef said never. And then that girl," Pointing at his fellow waitress he smiles again, "She said it would be within two weeks, because – " Frowning, he muttered, "What did she say again? Oh, right," Another chuckle shakes the young man, "Lovebirds just can't help themselves. Honestly, I thought she was just making up an excuse to make out with her boyfriend whenever he shows up but it seems her words actually hold some merit…" Sighing dramatically, he winks, "Looks like I'll be saving up for that couch a little longer…" One more smiling wink and he closes the door, leaving us alone once more.

Turning to Gai, I chuckle, "So much for us keeping things under wraps, huh?"

He doesn't reply, only smiling at me before lifting his arm off my shoulders and pulling his plate towards him. Gai's cheeks are a little red, his movements a little less sure than what I'm used to from him. He's embarrassed. I think. Did I do that? Did I do something wrong? Is he reconsidering this whole thing after all? Am I really that much of a prick that I scared away the person I've loved for my entire life by pulling a dick move on him? Silently, I scoot away from him a little, pull my own plate towards me. Taking off my mask feels almost difficult. I can feel my shoulders slumping slightly as I pick up my chopsticks.

As we start eating, the silence grows thick and heavy. I don't know what to say anymore, don't know what to do. Closing both eyes for a second, I try to quell the nausea bubbling up inside me. There's a shifting noise beside me, but I keep my eyes closed. I feel like I'm about to throw up. I messed this up big time, didn't I?

Something pushes up against my arm, pushing it away from my plate. I don't care. I'm just not cut out to be with anyone. I drive people away – even into death or the enemy's embrace. I'm just… Horrible.

Gai pushes his body against mine, his arm coming around me once again. I don't know what to make of that. I don't understand. Lips tickle my ear as he whispers, "Kakashi, get out of your head. Open your eyes."

Swallowing, I do as asked. My gaze lingering on my plate as I do not dare look up. I chuckle, my vision going blurry, to the point that I can no longer read the words that Gai spelled out with rice grains on a spot of my plate that he cleared of food: 'I will never stop loving you.'