Dear Diary
Chapter 30: My friends say you're so into me

XXX

A/N: I apologize, deeply, deeply apologize for the long wait. I got stuck and I got too busy to get the creative juices flowing again and…. It's a lousy excuse, I know. But it's all I got.

Marina, thank you for your Beta. I love you ^,^

I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)

XXX

Dear Diary,

I have to agree with Kakashi; I wish I had more experience as well. I imagine that if I felt like I knew what I was doing, I would not feel so awkward. But at the same time, maybe it is for the best. I have no previous notions about how a relationship is supposed to be. All I know for certain is this: I love Kakashi Hatake and I always will.

Sincerely, Gai M.

XXX

I am not entirely sure how this 'flirting thing' is supposed to work. But I think I did alright this time. Kakashi has relaxed once more and the remainder of our breakfast was consumed in a much more comfortable atmosphere.

Kakashi is walking over to the register to pay for our meal and I use this short time to let my mind wander, thinking about nothing in particular. My gaze follows him out of pure habit, eyes registering the slight sway of his hips, the way his uniform pants leave just about everything up to the imagination. I have always kind of liked that about the Konoha uniform, it makes me feel like less of a pervert for watching him. Apparently Kakashi is my complete opposite on the subject, I can't say I'm surprised.

"Ready to go?" His tone is light, happy. It makes me smile just a little bit. Nodding, I follow him out. Kakashi seems to have decided we're going to my apartment. For a moment, I almost want to protest, but then I figure we might as well. His apartment is almost on the other side of town. Still, he seems to pick up on my slight hesitation, his voice small as he asks me if this is okay.

"It is fine, Kakashi. Though one of these days, I'd very much like to hang out at your apartment for a change…"

He turns to me, walking backwards through the hallway leading up to my door. One finger raised, he cocks his head a little, "But your place is larger. And you have a couch. More space. On the couch…"

Involuntarily chuckling, I dig around in my pouch for my keys, "That is not the point, Kakashi. Besides, you have room..."

"Where?" Clearly confused, he steps aside so I can open the door.

Stepping inside, I purposely ignore his question for the time being. Shedding my shoes and flack vest, I continue on to my kitchen, "Do you want some tea?"

"Yeah, sure…" Ditching his own shoes and flack vest, Kakashi hesitates just inside the door, "What did you mean, Gai…?"

But I don't reply. I'm starting to think I never should have brought it up in the first place. As I get the tea ready, Kakashi doesn't interrupt me. Feeling more than a little relieved at that, I carry our tea over to the living room. Setting the cups down on my coffee table before sitting down next to him. Kakashi is sitting cross-legged on the couch, his back against the armrest. The same armrest he sat against just yesterday, right after we – can I call that having sex? Probably not…

"Gai," Kakashi's tone is serious but calm, his gaze almost piercing, "Please tell me what you were trying to say earlier. My mind is running around in circles trying to figure it out and I think I might be going insane because the only things that I can come up with are things that I'm pretty sure you'd never say…"

I swallow hard, "Exactly. So I don't say it. Just leave it, Kakashi. I was only joking anyway…"

"No, you weren't. I can tell the difference between a joke and nerves, Gai. Now, you were saying I have room…?"

My gaze is drawn towards my knees as I'm too scared to look up. I can only whisper, tears of embarrassment stinging in my eyes, "On your bed. You have room on your bed. Because you have a double bed and I don't. That's what I was trying to say…"

He leans over towards me, a warm smile in his voice, "That's what I thought. So we're both interested in doing a little more, huh?"

Sighing, I lift my eyes, "I'm still very nervous, Kakashi…"

"I know. Me too," Shrugging lightly, he reaches for his tea, "But now at least I know what you were talking about. In any case…" He seems to hesitate for a few seconds, attempting to cover it up by taking a small sip of his tea, "We'll get to that eventually, if we both feel we want to. For now, can we just… Talk about something else?"

Picking up my own cup, I nod, "There was quite the crowd at the gate this morning. I'm not sure why, but most of the jounin and tokubetsu were there when I returned from my laps…"

"Odd…" Cocking his head to the side, Kakashi ponders my words for a few minutes. We slip into another comfortable silence. My hand decides to rest on Kakashi's knee on its own accord, it feels safe and comfortable to touch him like this. Kakashi doesn't seem to mind at least. Since he doesn't do anything to stop me, I decide this should be just fine. Drinking my tea at a leisurely pace, I feel… Happy. Completely at peace.

"Did they say anything to you?"

"What?" Baffled, I stare at him, "What are you talking about?"

"The gathered jounin and tokubetsu at the gate, did they say anything to you?"

Shaking my head a little, I throw him a confused look, "I was training. Most people know better than to interrupt me while I am training. Only Izumo and Kotetsu still bother me when I'm trying to do my push-ups. But Genma was also there, he most likely told them to keep their stupid mouths shut for a change. It would be like him."

"Hmmm… Maybe," Flashing me a quick smile, Kakashi sets his tea away, "Let's not talk about it anymore."

"Alright…" Thoroughly confused, I follow his lead and put my cup aside. Shifting a little on the couch so that I face him, I offer Kakashi a small smile, "Then what do you want to talk about?"

He grins back at me, "You, me. Lips, tongues. Honestly, I don't want to talk at all," Leaning in, he captures my lips, hands immediately coming up to cup my face.

Smiling against his lips, I bring my arms around him, pulling Kakashi a little closer to me. He slides closer still, rising up on his knees for a moment before settling himself on my lap. A little surprised, I pull out of our kiss, throwing him a puzzled look. He chuckles lightly, whispering, "Am I too heavy or something?"

"No… I just," A smile breaks out on my face, "I wasn't expecting it. But I like having you here," Recapturing his lips, I wrap my arms even tighter around him.

We languidly kiss, taking our sweet time. When we finally part again, Kakashi chuckles a little embarrassedly. Looking away, his tone is soft, "Well… This is something I've never done before…" He shifts a little awkwardly on my lap, I swallow.

Letting go of him, my eyes search his face, "You do not have to, Kakashi. I admit I like it but if it makes you uncomfortable…"

"Not really… Okay," He flashes me a little smile, "Maybe it does. But I like it too. I just… I guess I'm not used to being the slighter of the two," Chuckling, he raises a finger, "Only did that once before, it was a disaster…"

Is he…? Is he trying to tell me he's had a relationship with another man before after all? What is he trying to say? Swallowing hard, I look away, "I… See…"

He seems unaware of my awkwardness, chuckling lightly as he leans back on my lap a little, "Never date an Akimichi, that's all I'm saying. At least not when you don't want to go broke on a first date, get smacked in the face so hard you're seeing stars when you try to kiss her and prefer to keep your ribs intact when she finally does decide a little making out is okay…" Tapping his chin thoughtfully, I can feel him gazing at me out of the corner of his eye, "Gai…" He speaks slowly, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings…"

"It… It's alright, Kakashi," I swallow once more to push back the tears, "I am aware that you have dated before. I would just… Prefer to… Not hear about it…"

"I'm sorry, Gai," Sighing softly, he pushes back until he is seated on the couch once more, "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…"

"I know," Smiling softly, I reach for my tea, "It's just that… Sometimes… I must admit that I'm a little envious. You – " Swallowing thickly, I cannot continue.

"Gai, I told you… I don't really have any experience with this either."

Sighing, I look away, "Yes you do. You have experience. I wasn't your first ever kiss. I'm not the first person to ever touch you. I am not the first person you have ever touched," Taking a deep breath, I put my empty teacup down and get up. Throwing Kakashi a serious look, I wait for him to look back at me, "I don't mind it, Kakashi. In a way, it's quite pleasurable to know that the person who embodies all my firsts is also my first love. To know that he has been thinking about me for years also. But please, do not expect me to be alright with hearing about all of your little side adventures because I'm not. I know that you make use of your experience whether you are aware of it or not, but I would rather not be verbally reminded of all the people – all the women – that have been allowed to touch you where I still cannot. Please find a way for me to not have to hear about it," Turning, I pick up the empty teacups and head for the kitchen. I need a little room and I am sure Kakashi does too. Thinking about all his previous dates and relationships, realizing how many of them there really are, imagining how those women would touch the man that I have always loved – it makes me feel physically sick.

"Gai…" His tone is soft as he leans against the doorframe of my kitchen, "I'm sorry… I never want to hurt you, it's just that… Well… It's a part of my past, you know? It's not that I'm trying to rub your face in it or anything, but I wouldn't feel comfortable with hiding it from you either. I've never had a relationship where I felt at ease enough to show all that I am, all that I have been before. But with you, I feel like I can," He sighs softly, "And now you're basically telling me I can't after all…"

Swallowing hard, I finally turn around to face the man that I love, "I'm… I'm not telling you to hide it, Kakashi. I just…"

"You don't want to hear about it," His tone is lifeless and it makes my heart ache, "That's the same thing, Gai…"

I close my eyes for a moment, worrying the inside of my lip, "Kakashi… I honestly don't mean to say that you have to hide it. It's just… Could you maybe… At least not be too specific about the different ones? I know I might be asking for too much here after all, but… I just…"

"You don't want to feel like I'm comparing you, that it?" A hint of understanding has crept into his soft tone and Kakashi moves to stand a little closer.

Taking a deep breath, I nod. My hand instinctively reaches for his as my eyes refuse to look at him, "I feel… I constantly feel like I'm not good enough, Kakashi. I feel like… You'd rather I was a woman. But I'm not, I'm –"

"A guy. An amazing, strong and gentle guy. A guy that's so much more than any woman could ever be. A guy that's more stunning than anything I've ever seen before, that makes me feel safer than I've ever felt before. You're a guy, Romeo. And I love that about you too."

I carefully look at him once more. Kakashi is smiling softly, his head cocked to the side in that way that always makes my heart beat a little faster. His grip on my hand tightens for a brief moment and his smile widens a little, "I'm in love with you, Maito Gai. I have been for a very long time. But yes, I also happen to find women attractive – well," His smile turns a little cheeky for a moment, "Some of them. But they all pale in comparison to you, Gai. Because I love you more than life itself. I want you to know that – to really, really know that. I know that my little escapades over the years have hurt your feelings, even though I wasn't aware of it at the time. But now, I want you to understand something… If it hadn't been for the experience I gained then, I would have never had the guts to even touch you. I'd be paralyzed with the fear of not knowing what to do. Trust me, I've been there already. You're not like me, you are strong enough to try stuff out – even if it's for the first time. I'm not strong like that, Gai…"

I have to blink a couple times to clear my vision, "Kakashi… I can only try things out like that because I know I'm with you. I love you. And I know that you love me. I feel safe because I know you wouldn't just make fun of me for trying, even though it might be amusing to you. If I weren't with you…"

Closing the small distance between us, Kakashi smiles softly. His tone a mere whisper as he leans ever closer, "Well then, that only makes me happier that you're with me, then," His lips gently touch my own and as I close my eyes I can feel my body relaxing into his touch.

XXX

"Oh god…" His fingers feel cold against my hot skin as they slowly creep over chest. Involuntarily, my hips move up a little, pressing my even hotter flesh up against his leg. My back lifts itself from the couch as Kakashi straddles one of my legs, one hand ghosting over my stomach, his lips attacking my own as our tongues are engaged in the most beautiful of dances.

"Gai…" His tone is caught between a moan and a whisper, sending shivers of pleasure and anticipation down my spine, "Gai… Oh fuck, Gai… You're so hot…" His lips leave mine, slowly making their way along my jaw, traveling down across my neck. All the while he keeps moaning softly, keeps making it harder and harder to think. My breathing is heavy, my hands groping at the back of his undershirt as his tongue easily finds my most sensitive spot. A needy moan sounds through the room and I'm slightly embarrassed to realize it's my own. In the distance, I can hear the Academy's bells ringing, signaling the start of their lunchbreak – or maybe it's the end of their lunchbreak, I honestly don't know. Don't care either. But all of the sudden, Kakashi shoots up, a bewildered look in his eye as he stares at me, "Gai… Fuck, what time is it?"

"What time…?" Confused, I look on as he scrambles to get up, panic in his eye as he finds my clock, "Kakashi, what's going on…?" Hurt, I pull my legs up. I am unsure as to what he is thinking right now, but it's all too clear that his mind is nowhere near where mine was just a second ago. Hesitantly I pull up the top half of my suit; no use sitting here half-naked when Kakashi isn't even looking my way.

His hand ruffles through silvery locks and now I know for certain there is something wrong. Kakashi is always careful not to mess up his hair too much. He once confided in me, saying that his unruly locks were the bane of his existence at times.

"I… I ran into Sakura on the way over here," Getting up, his hands reach for the collar of his shirt, "She wanted to show me her progress, so we agreed to meet at one, in front of the library," Pulling the mask over his face, Kakashi throws me an apologetic look, "Things between us are just starting to get better again, Gai… I really need to go see her…"

Swallowing against the utter, devastating disappointment, I get up. Glancing at the clock I realize he'll have to hurry. The bells signaled the end of lunchtime after all – it's already one o'clock, "I'll walk you there…?" My tone is only slightly hopeful, I don't want to say good-bye yet, but at the same time I realize Kakashi will most likely not want me to interfere with his relationship with his only remaining student.

But he smiles, "I'd love that Gai," Turning for the door, he continues, "But we have to hurry."

"Of course," Quickly following him, I reach for my flack vest at the same time he does.

"Oh, and Gai?" He chuckles lightly, "If she gets mad, it's all your fault."

"My fault?" Swallowing hard, I do my best to keep up with Kakashi as he all but runs out the door, "What do you mean 'my fault'? You forgot, did you not?"

Walking down the stairs, Kakashi turns on his heels. Underneath the mask, he smiles wide, "Only because you're so damn hot."

"So it is true!"

Startled, I freeze. Before me, Kakashi turns back to the street ever so slowly, he is trembling, and so am I. In the middle of the street, Ebisu stands but a few steps in front of the rest. Hands crossed before his chest as his questioning gaze rests upon the two of us. Standing just behind him, Genma looks away, I swallow at just how disgusted he seems to be, "Told ya… Gai's apparently into that…"

Anko's grin looks almost evil, "Hatake and Gai, sitting in a tree! K-I-S –"

"Zip it, Anko. I don't wanna hear that shit," Raidou's tone is low, threatening almost. Standing beside him, both Izumo and Kotetsu put their hands over their mouths in an attempt not to anger the tokubetsu as well. Asuma just crosses his arms while Kurenai frowns a little. I swallow hard. This was the last thing I ever wanted to happen…