Dear Diary
Chapter 33: You can put your trust in me

XXX

A/N: Dear Diary! Yay! We're closing in on the end here, people. Not quite there yet, but not much longer now. Have you given any thoughts to who 'my' singer is? Hint: Female. ;)
Also, sorry for the long wait. I really didn´t mean to leave that cliffhanger hanging so long…

No beta on this but my own, but hey, at least there´s another chappy, no?

I do not own Naruto. I only own my own creativity (Though my mother would have you believe that is actually hers… Don't believe everything you hear, folks)

XXX

Dear Diary,

It seems the secret is out, Diary. It's scary and wrong and I wish I could just run away right now. All these people, they don't know me. They don't know me like you do. These are the people I've been trying to push away for as long as I can remember. First because I was a stuck-up kid – a genius, a jounin before most of them even made chuunin. Then, later, because of the guilt. That slowly changed into 'because I was embarrassed I was having hot dreams about Gai'…

But now they know.

Diary, what am I going to do?

K.

XXX

"Guys…" My voice is a mere breath, and I swallow hard. They're all here! Asuma and Kurenai, Genma and Raidou, the twisted twins, Ebisu…

"Kakashi," Genma steps forward, sighing softly before looking up at Gai and me. There's an amused twinkle in the man's eyes, his lips twitching ever so slightly. Well, I'm glad someone is having fun, I suppose.
"You guys… I get that being together is way more important and all, and I'm sure you're trying to memorize every little scar, dent and mole on each other's bodies but… Think you might've forgotten something here?" Grinning, he uses his teeth to point at us with his senbon, "We were all anxiously awaiting how this whole declaration-of-love thingy was gonna work out, ya know. I mean, sure, coulda been a bit more romantic than yelling out 'I love you' in some murky bar, but… Damn guys! I was totally rooting for Kakashi here! And then we never hear another word about it! Like, all of us kinda had the same idea this morning, waiting at the Gate for you to finish your training, but then you just bolted, Gai…!" Genma's tone is complaining as the man clearly pouts, "For Kami's sake! You're like, one of my oldest friends! I'm supposed to be one of the first to congratulate you! But no, you go and hide from everyone! What the hell, Gai?"

"Genma…?" Judging from his tone, Gai clearly can't believe this is happening. Well, that makes two of us. Just as I'm about to open my mouth, Ebisu scoffs at Genma, drawing our attention back to the guy that first spoke up.

"Genma! Are you kidding me? Aren't you forgetting something here? I always got along better with Gai than you ever did! If anyone is going to be the first to congratulate him, it's me!"

"Fuck you, Ebisu!" Genma cries out, "All you ever did was call him an oversized freak!"

"It was meant nicely! He's big, you know!"

While, on street level, the bickering continues, Gai suddenly chuckles. His tone quiet and gentle – the tone he only ever uses with me – as he whispers in my ear, "Welcome to my gennin squad, Kakashi…"

I blink, my tone equally soft, "No wonder you've always been so loud… There's no way they'd even notice you if you didn't yell…"

"Shut up, Kakashi!" Both of them look up at me, almost furiously so. Their synchronized shout not stopping there, "Just because you're dating him doesn't mean you're one of us now!"

"Guys…" Stepping in between the two bickering men, Raidou chuckles lightly. Laying his hands on both Genma's and Ebisu's shoulder, he shakes his head a little, "Kakashi's already one of us. He was one of us the second he graduated the Academy, just like you two. Now," Looking up, his eyes meet my own, and Raidou smiles softly, "Let me be the first of this useless bunch to congratulate you two."

"Wha –"

"No fair!"

Squeezing their shoulders tightly for a moment, Raidou cuts off any further protests from Gai's old team members, his smile never wavering. It makes me smile a little too, relief washing over me at the realization that these people really don't mind. Well, they mind being kept out of the loop, apparently… Taking a deep breath, I turn to Gai once more. Swallowing a little nervously, I offer him a small smile. He still is and probably forever will be the only that that actually notices my little smiles. Nodding, he quietly takes my extended hand and we descend the stairs together. It makes me feel a little like the prince in one of those fairytale books that I vaguely remember my father reading to me when I was very little. Or maybe I'm the princess. Or we're both the prince – can we both be the prince? Does it even matter? I'm happy, annoying over-thinking brain. Just let me be happy for a bit.

As we step onto the street, we're nearly knocked off our feet by Kurenai as she rushes over to hug the both of us, "I'm really happy for you guys, really," Letting go, the woman takes a small step back, "But if you ever pull a stunt like that again –!"

"What she means to say is," Asuma cuts in, "Have a little faith in us, okay?"

"Asuma…" Beside me, Gai swallows, his hand all but crushing my own, "You ask us to have faith in you, but… Back at the bar… You…"

"Yeah, about that," Gently pushing the bearded jounin aside, Genma moves to stand before us, "What the hell, man? I know those guys were being annoying as ever," His thumb points over his shoulder, to the twisted twins, "And Anko was beyond drunk, of course. So yeah… But, I never even said anything, Gai. Don't just throw me in with that lot, it's not fair!"

Sighing softly, Gai pulls a little face at the man, "Genma… I've known you for most of my life, I know –"

"Whatever you think you know, you got it figured backwards. The only reason I didn't say anything at the time was because I figured you had to decide for yourself. What I wanted to do was send you after him. You two've always been close, so close that I admit it made me jealous when we were younger… But the thing is Gai, this didn't actually surprise me at all. I've actually thought you guys were together several times over the years, but every time I got proven wrong again. And you looked so shocked when Kakashi finally said something that I just… Didn't want you to feel pressured into going after him if that wasn't what you wanted after all. From the outside, it always kinda looked like you were in this on-again off-again thing, and I kinda figured Kakashi'd reached his limit…"

My vision goes black as I can feel my eye crinkling in an almost real smile, "In a way… I did."

Gai chuckles lightly, "There was just never an 'on'…"

"True," Smiling, I turn to my lover, "And I don't intend to ever dance around you like that again… My love," Swallowing, I peek at the others out of the corner of my eye. It's scary to call Gai 'my love' in front of them, but at the same time I feel like I should be able to now. And I want to. I'm just… Anxious.

But all I see are soft smiles – Kurenai's pretty much melting into a puddle on the ground. Looking back at my lover, I catch his misty-eyed look.

"Me neither, Kakashi. Me neither."

"So… For the record…" Asuma clearly hesitates but still presses on, "Are we done with your insane challenges now…?"

I blink, surprised that he would even come up with that notion, "Absolutely not, Asuma."

"He is still my eternal rival. I must prove that hard work and dedication can stand on par with raw talent, if not defeat it."

All around, there is a chorus of groans – our friends clearly don't welcome the idea of us continuing our cycle of challenges. But I don't care. We have a relationship that works, even if we're still trying to figure out how to make all of it work. But they don't have to know that. They don't have to realize how scary it is to think about getting naked with Gai or how tempting.

Shaking mildly, I almost let go of Gai's hand – but he won't have it. Holding on tightly, he tugs at my hand just a little as if to beg me to stay with him – but then I suddenly realize I can't, "Sakura!" My eye catches his as I feel the panic bubbling up, I'm going to be late! Again! I'm going to be exactly the unreliable sensei she's come to expect from me. I can't do that to her! Not her, not Sakura. Not after everything I've done to her already. Putting the boys' progress before hers, pushing her away when she came to ask my blessing to train under Tsunade, keeping her at arm's length all this time. I have to be there for her. No matter what. Even if it means I have to leave Gai behind here and – wait, I can't do that either. Oh, if only these annoying people weren't here. If only they didn't get in my way every chance they got! I don't need them anyway, I… I do need them. And I need them to accept me. They're doing that now, and it's a miraculous feeling. One that even transcends the feeling of being loved by Gai – for the time being at least. But I can't just leave Sakura waiting. Swallowing hard, I turn my pleading gaze on Gai, hoping beyond hope that he'll know a way out of this because I sure don't.

"Sakura?" There is a gentle smile on Asuma's face, "You mean to say you two are finally on speaking terms again?" As I nod mutely, my colleague chuckles lightly, warmly, "Then go,Kakashi! Don't let us keep you from doing your duty as a jounin sensei," As he steps aside to let us pass, so does everyone else. I shrug lightly, a little uncomfortable with the situation. But Gai won't let me waste any more time, gently pulling me along as we head towards the library.

Hurrying through the streets of Konoha, Gai never lets go of my hand. It makes me feel happy, wanted. Loved. Being with Gai really is the best feeling in the world. Well, at least until you get to the 'alone together and horny' part of it, but we'll figure that out too. I know we will.

"Well…" Gai's tone is thoughtful as he speaks quietly, "That didn't go half as bad as I would have expected…"

"Our…" Swallowing hard, I push the word past my lips, "Friends, you mean?"

A small sigh sounds from beside me, "Yes Kakashi, our friends. When will you accept that they care? Didn't this make it clear enough?" Looking at me with a hint of sadness in his eyes, Gai cocks his head to the side.

Is it? Is it clear that they care? I don't know. I'm not really used to having friends. I'm used to having Gai though – but how long ago did that stop being just friendship and turn into something… More? I don't really remember to be honest, it's been forever. But Gai knows that, right? Just like he knows I've never had many friends. Glancing up I catch his worried look. I sigh softly, "I guess. I just… Don't really know how to… Deal with it, I suppose."

"You will have to learn, Kakashi. You may not have realized this, since you were so preoccupied with closing yourself off from everyone for all these years, but… They are my friends at least. And they've been trying really hard to be your friends too. And now we're together, and they're all okay with it – I think," Shaking his head a little, Gai soldiers on, trying to ignore the note of uncertainty in his eyes and his voice, "So can't they be our friends from now on?"

"Yes…" But not the twisted twins. And not that annoying academy sensei that's always hovering around my students. Not them, "But you're gonna have to help me out a little, Gai. I don't… I don't even know how to talk to them…" Embarrassed, I look away. As I catch someone coming towards us, I instinctively try to pull my hand out of Gai's grasp, but he still won't budge, "Gai…" I can't help but whisper, not wanting this person that's quickly closing in to realize what we're talking about – to realize we're holding hands, "Gai, please. I'll try and make nice with them, okay? Just not this one. I really don't like this one, Gai. I don't wanna talk about this with him," I know Gai realizes 'this' is our joined hands. For a second, he holds me even tighter than before. But then he lets go, and Iruka-sensei is here and I just wish that I was not.

"Kakashi? I was asked to go find you," Smiling brightly, he looks up at me. Then frowns when he notices that I'm anything but happy to see him, "This again? Look, I didn't know you were dating her," Clearly annoyed, he rolls his eyes at Gai before looking back at me. But I cut him off. I don't know why I'm saying this and I can't seem to be able to stop saying it, but still. Didn't I just say 'not him'?

"I really don't mind, Iruka-sensei. That was years ago. Not to mention the fact that I already told you I wasn't dating her. We had one date. It didn't work out. You asked her out and – how did that turn out though?" Suddenly curious, I can't help myself, "She was quite the handful…"

"You're telling me…" Sighing, the brunette looks away, clearly embarrassed. I like where this is going, "I get that the guy's supposed to pay, and I'm okay with that. But only the most expensive dishes at the most expensive restaurants, coupled with the most expensive – everything!" He sighs again, looking back at me, "You could've warned me, you know…"

What? And miss out on that perfect opportunity to get back at you for being the only person that Naruto ever talked about? Except for himself, of course. Naruto talks a lot about himself. About being the best, about becoming Hokage… I miss that kid… "Why? I mean, she was clearly worth it, so…"

"Worth it?" The guy seems to be getting worked up now, "Worth it?! All she would ever talk about was herself! Oh, and all the things I should be doing for her, of course! And let's not forget all the bills she tried to dump in my lap!"

Confused, I momentarily forget that Gai is standing right next to me, forget the promise I made him less than an hour ago as a slow, wicked grin spreads across my face, "Wait, that's all she ever dumped in your lap?"

"Wha-… Ye-yeah…" Blushing fiercely, he looks away again, no doubt realizing the reputation the girl in question has. Realizing that I got way further than he ever did – and I only went on one date with her. I'm almost starting to feel sorry for the guy, almost.

"Well isn't this – "

"Kakashi," Gai interrupts me, clearly annoyed, "Drop it."

Looking at my lover for a moment, I swallow hard. He asked me to find a way so he wouldn't have to hear about all the girls I've dated, didn't he? And here I am… Throwing that request in the wind just because I finally found a way to get back at Iruka Umino. No matter what a nuisance the guy is, I shouldn't hurt Gai just to… To what? Upset him? Oh, he's clearly upset. Chewing on his lip, hands clenching to fists and releasing again, clenching and releasing again… And what did he ever do to deserve my wrath? Be a good sensei? Oh wow, I must've really hit a new low. I'm… Despicable, aren't I? Why does Gai even put up with me? He knows what a horrible person I am, right? So then… Why?

"Kakashi…"

Without thinking, I reach out to him. Take his hand in mine once more. Giving it a gentle squeeze, I turn my eyes on the guy that I've been trying to hate for so long, "I'm sorry. That was a dick move, Iruka and I'm really sorry…"

Sighing, he looks away again, but the hands by his side are slowly relaxing, "Why do you hate me so much, Kakashi? It didn't used to be like this. We used to get along…"

Reaching out, I grab his shoulder, gently turning him towards me, "We did. And then I got a student that preferred you over me. And it hurt. So… I tried to hurt you in return… I'm really sorry, Iruka."

"Preferred me over you…? Are you… Are you serious? You're talking about Naruto, aren't you? But he… He never stopped talking about you. All the things you were teaching him, how he wished you would train him before the chuunin exams instead of bringing in Ebisu. How much he admired you and wanted to be like you… You really think he preferred me? I'm just his old academy sensei. Apart from you, I'm the only adult who's ever listened to him. Of course you'd hear my name – I had to practically raise him! And then he grew up and all he ever wanted to talk to me about was how much cooler you are. How much better. How you didn't treat him like a little kid. How you fought Zabuza, how awesome your Chidori is, how much better you are at tai-jutsu…" He shakes his head and I can literally see him swallow his tears, "Why are you blaming me for caring about him? Why do you hate me for listening to the boy talk about how awesome his life has become? Because of you, no less…!"

Overwhelmed, I can't help but take a small step back, "I didn't know… I just thought… To me he was always going on about Iruka-sensei this and Iruka-sensei that… How he was going to make you proud, how he was going to prove he was worth all the time and effort you spent on him, how you… Are his family…"

"Only because you never let him into yours," Pulling a little face, Iruka suddenly chuckles, "Look at us, quarreling about who our former student loves more…"

"Yeah…" Rubbing the back of my head, I grin sheepishly, "Obviously it's Jiraiya…"

"Oh, don't you –…" Smiling softly, the younger suddenly turns serious again, shaking his head a little, "He's a teenager now… Two-and-a-half years, Kakashi. Two-and-a-half years and he's finally – Oh dear Kami, that's why I was looking for you! He's back, Kakashi, he's finally home! Lady Tsunade wants to see you in her office immediately in order to welcome Naruto back Konoha-style!"

Blinking, I take another step back. Naruto… He's home…? Home?! Home! Naruto has finally come back to us! Sakura doesn't hate me! Naruto is back! Now… If only Sasuke would ever come back…

Shaking my head to get rid of the sudden sadness in my heart, I straighten my back, "Naruto… He's really back?"

"He is, I saw him myself," Iruka is beaming at me, giving me the happiest smile I've ever seen on his face. To be honest, it reminds me of Naruto's smile, "But you have to go to Lady Tsunade's office, Sakura will bring him there. But, before you go… One thing," Suddenly looking a little lost, the man shuffles his feet a little, "We're good now, right? No more going around behind each other's backs? You don't hate me anymore…?"

"No more going behind each other's backs. And… I never hated you. I tried, but…" Smiling fondly beneath my mask, I cock my head, "You're just too nice of a person. I couldn't do it."

"No?" Looking down at his feet for a moment, the chuunin has a hidden smile in his voice, "So you… Like me? Hope you don't like me the way you like Gai, because that would get very awkward, very soon…"

"Eh… You noticed…"

"What? You two holding hands? Of course I did, dummy!" Chuckles turn into laughter but as he finally looks up again, Iruka looks serious, "For the record, that was a joke. I didn't really know…" Looking away again, "I couldn't really ignore it anymore, but I didn't know how to… Eh… Bring it up."

"We understand, Iruka," Gai's tone is soothing, his smile soft, "It is kind of a weird situation. However, it seems we have more important things to worry about now," Gently tugging at my hand, Gai gives me a soft smile, "Let's go welcome back Naruto, Kakashi."

Taking a deep breath, I nod, but don't move yet, "Iruka-sensei… We're still good, right? Me and Gai… Doesn't upset you?"

He chuckles, "Not at all. Just keep the PDA to a minimum around the kids, will you?" Winking, he walks off, calling over his shoulder to tell us to hurry up already. That sounds like a solid plan so we quickly make our way over to Hogake Tower.