Chapter 8: Ghosts
Content: Angst and fluff. The best combination.
A brutal hit to the face got him spewing blood. He felt his nose break a while ago, but they still hadn't stopped and didn't care either. They kept beating him with all they got.
Their voices bellowed and hollered as they kicked him in the stomach now, so he had no choice but to cringe and bent. Kneeling on the ground, his hands cuffed behind his back, his forehead hit the dirt. He didn't have any strength left. He hadn't eaten for two days and had to drink from a puddle the icy rain had left in his cell. His body was laced with bruises and rashes and blood and dirt. His face looked especially bad. One eye was completely swollen; the other had black and blue rings around it. His lips had burst, blood was leaking out of his nose and some cuts between his temples and ears. He really had seen better days.
He swallowed the painful moaning that wanted to escape his throat and let out a weak sigh instead. His sight was blurring and he was sick. He wanted to puke, but he had nothing in his stomach to begin with. His muscles were sore and he was cold, shivering almost. Nothing more than a pair of loose pants on him, after all. It was winter, too and his body half frozen. The sweat and blood running down his skin didn't make it better for one bit.
A hand grabbed his hair and dragged him up once more, shoved him onto his knees. The voices were still roaring and he knew what they said, yet, he couldn't understand them right now. Something about the war, something about the other's locations, something about traitors and about more torture. They had been torturing him for days. His execution was soon, he remembered. The Shiroyasha's execution. A big day for the Bakufu. He was one of the main symbols of the rebellion after all. Ridiculous. He didn't care who sat in some posh castle ruling the land. As long as he could have lived his days in peace, as long as he could have spent it with his friends and his teacher. But they were all gone and he was alone once again.
There had been absolutely nothing worth living for.
So why did he anyway?
The pain was shallower than he remembered, but he could still feel it engraved in his bones. He instantly knew it was a dream, but still he couldn´t manage to escape it. He shivered from the memories and the pain they still inflicted on his body. That´s what he hated the most. Being trapped in these dreams, no way to escape them. His worst fear was that he wouldn´t be able to wake up anymore. That, some day, he would be doomed to stay in them forever. Losing grasp of reality.
Another kick to his face got his head spinning. Images flashed before his eyes, his Sensei, his execution, the war, the bloodshed, his friends, all those fights and the winter, death. His heart ached and he was sick to the stomach. He just wanted it to end.
He heard Kagura's voice calling his name and trembled under it. The next moment, he saw her red locks mixing with the mud. Shinpachi was there, too and they lay in a pool of blood on the floor before him. Panicky, he looked up and stared into the dead eyes of Utsuro as he smiled and raised his sword. A cold sweat broke out and he felt his heartbeat accelerating. Panic had him in its ugly claws and squeezed out the very air in his lungs.
"You might have saved them for now… but you'll never be safe from the darkness you attract. Till the day you die, you will always be… a mere shadow of me."
"Gin-chan…" he saw Kagura's sobbing face staring at him and Shinpachi reaching out for him.
Horrified, he tried freeing himself, wrestling from the handcuffs, but all he could do was to collapse forward. The same instant Utsuro's sword plunged down and cut into their flesh severing their heads from their bodies, causing hot blood to splash on his face. In terror, his eyes tore open and he heard a scream, only to realize later it was his own.
"NO!"
Blindly, Gintoki jumped up and grabbed thin air. His whole body shivered in cold sweat and he was so dizzy, he felt like he was close to collapsing. He couldn't see a thing, no matter how hard he squinted. His pulse was throbbing in his temples and drummed against his bones as if they were a taiko*. He was quivering pathetically and had to hold his mouth because for a moment, he thought he would throw up. Luckily, he was able to hold it in. His eyes closed and he embraced the twilight inside of him.
With all his strength, he tried feeling the environment. The yukata on his body, the rough texture grating against his flesh, the futon on his legs, the wind chime in the window, the shallow voices and noises from the busy street. He was at home.
Panic fell from his mind like a pile of stones and he allowed himself to breath in deeply. He was back in reality. This was reality. He was at the Yorozuya's house, in their house. They were safe and sound and Utsuro was no more. All of this had ended, all loose ends tied up. There was nothing more to be afraid of.
Not being able to sooth his pulse, his crying heart and the tremble in his bones, he tucked up his legs and rested his forehead on his knees. Three big forcedly calm breaths and a hand in his hair to keep in touch with reality. He was holding his breath in between and counted to six, to calm his mind and body. He was safe. They were safe. It was just a dream. …Three, four, five… six…
His breath rattled, as he opened his eyes again. He could see better now. It was bright outside, definitely in the middle of the day. How long had he been sleeping? And where were his two kids? He couldn't hear them at all…
Forcing himself up to stand, he stumbled for the door, still uneasy on his legs. He didn't want to lose any time. Yet, when he shoved the fusuma open, he couldn't see anyone in the living room. Just to be sure, he straddled to the closet and unlocked it to look for Kagura, but she wasn't there and he couldn't find her in the kitchen either. Sadaharu was nowhere to be found as well. So he looked at the calendar hanging near the TV. When he saw their scribbling, he remembered.
Both of them were busy today. He had a day off, so to speak. This happened a lot lately. Shinpachi was busy in the dōjo and Kagura had friends all over the place. Sometimes, he felt they hardly came by anymore. And though he knew that was wrong and they still saw each other almost every day, he couldn't help but feel lonely. He ought to be proud of them, he ought to let them go and grow up. But here he was and was feeling miserable without them. He couldn't even wake up in time when they weren't around. Darn it…
Looking out of the window, he tried to settle down. They were fine. He didn't have to worry about them. It was just a dream. They were strong and could protect themselves. And Utsuro was gone. They had allies all over Edo. He didn't need to worry. But yet, he did, he couldn't help it. Seemed like, even though he had made peace with all of this, his body and unconscious self still had a hard time adapting. Sometimes, it just bubbled up and threw him right back. Seemed like it was hard to get over everything that had happened, after all.
Feeling numb, he scuffled into the kitchen and picked up some strawberry milk from the fridge. The sweet drink helped him wake up a little, but it couldn't make him as happy as he hoped it would. He felt horrible, to be honest. Like he had been chewed and spit out. Must have been a horrible night. He had a bit of a hangover, too. He remembered now, he had been drinking last night with Hasegawa. So that's why he felt like shit.
Rubbing the back of his hand over his mouth to get off the rest of the pink milk, he listened for the sounds surrounding him. There weren't many, just pretty normal noises. He was leaning against the counter and his eyes were staring into nothingness. Instinctively, he sunk deep into his thoughts, unable to escape them now.
He felt all of it bubbling up. All of the anger and grief and bloodlust, the desperation and his capitulation. In the end, he had been all alone. He had given up everything, for he hadn't been able to protect anything. He had been supposed to die back then, a lot of times actually. But in this cold winter night, when he had been escaping the prison with nothing but a thin yukata and a pair of zōri*, starved and beaten and thirsty, he had been sentenced to death. Or so he had thought when he had collapsed at the cemetery, snow covering his hair and legs. He had had zero will of living in that icy night. If it hadn't been for Otose, he would have frozen to death.
And he wouldn't have minded.
He knew he was doing much better now. He had friends and family, had a name he was proud of and had been able to make peace with the demons of his past. But yet, sometimes, out of nowhere, these feelings crept back into his heart and poisoned it. He was lonely. Horribly lonely. And he wondered if anyone thought of him right now, if but a single soul would realize what was going on inside of him.
Gintoki knew he was being stupid. A lot of people cared for him, dearly. They would cry if he would be gone and they would miss him. Still, at this very moment, he felt deserted. And even though he had lived with this profound loneliness for many years, he couldn't bear it now. He couldn't stand this silence, this feeling of being alone with himself, with his thoughts and fears and memories and the aftermath of this horrible dream.
His fingers shook for an instant and he squeezed the milk carton harder, so it would go away. It didn't. So he lowered his eyelids and started counting again, breathing slowly. One, two, three…
What was he supposed to do? What was he supposed to do without them?
He had absolutely no idea anymore. He felt depressed and couldn't shake the horrible sensation of the nightmare. His heart ached with every movement and he felt like sleeping all over again. But then he would have to go back to his dreams and he didn't want that. Anything but that. Those were the moments he was most vulnerable. He didn't want to feel that hopeless anymore. It made him sick.
For minutes, he just leaned against the counter and stared into nothingness, drowning in his misery. He felt sluggish, powerless and unmotivated. It took him a solid ten minutes of convincing himself to keep on walking again. He needed to keep his shit together. So he decided to dress and get ready.
Gintoki managed to put on his usual pants and shirt, but he didn't bother for the yukata. He wasn't in the mood for that. He didn't want to go outside, anyway. He didn't want to bother anyone. They were living their lives without him and who was he to interfere? He didn't need them anyway… he would do just fine without them. Or that's what he wanted to prove to himself. He wouldn't give in. He wouldn't go out to see their faces and make sure they were okay. He wasn't that desperate for human contact… He was fine on his own…
Brushing his teeth took more persuasiveness than he would have liked to admit, but in the end he did it. He even managed to make some food. A bit of rice, topped with some Nori and soy sauce. He craved something more healthy and fancy, but the fridge was empty and he didn't want to go outside, after all. So this had to do.
The Yorozuya placed himself in front of the TV and zapped through the channels, but staring into the metal box just felt like a huge waste of time. So he fetched some old Jumps and reread them, but he couldn't find his usual joy in that. Frustration overpowered him and nailed him to the couch, immobilizing him for a long period of time. He just kept staring into nothingness, sinking deeper and deeper into a depression.
He would have loved to say, he wasn't usually like that. That he was a genuinely cheerful man that didn't dwell on the past and feelings. The truth was, behind his usual smile and carefree demeanor hid a very pensive mind. He wasn't that kind of person who would share his thoughts easily, though. He didn't like that at all, they belonged to him. He felt thronged when other people knew too much about what he was thinking. This was one of the scariest thoughts for him, imagining someone being able to read his mind. Instinctively, the silver head shuddered at that notion.
Gintoki didn't like dealing with his feelings, especially when they were negative. He usually tried distracting himself or ignoring them altogether. He didn't have anyone to talk to about this and neither did he want to. It was just one of these days, he told himself and left it at that. Tomorrow, everything would be different and that's how it was. He just needed to get this day over with.
The hours passed and nothing happened. Gintoki tried to keep himself busy with a lot of different things and thus moved in a circle of distractions. It was in the last hour of the afternoon that he decided, he needed some fresh air. The urge wasn't strong enough for him to put on his yukata and go outside. Instead, he settled for the balcony in the back. The sun was low already, but it would need a few more hours until it would set. The sky was dotted with clouds from time to time and the air smelled of rain. Out here, he could clearly detect the faint noises from the street as well as the far away chirping of the cicadas. It was peaceful and the fresh air soothed his mind.
As his gaze drifted through the surroundings, he spotted a rather uncommon item lying on the window ledge. Startled, the Yorozuya took it and eyed it closely. Mayoboro. Hijikata's cigarettes.
For a very long moment, the red-eyed man just stared at them, weighing them in between his fingers, pondering. When did he leave them here? He couldn't remember him complaining about where Gin hid his drugs. Instinctively, he opened the package. Seven more remaining.
Maybe he should have a drag?
This notion almost made him snort. Yeah, right. Why would he smoke? He disliked the taste and the smell and he didn't want to get sick. He only ever smoked with this mayo bastard. Not because he particularly liked smoking. He just liked to be with him, that's all. Smoking his damn cigarettes wouldn't make him feel like he was there. It couldn't replace him.
He wanted to see him.
The yearning hit him hard and worsened his loneliness. Should he call him up? He was probably busy anyway. This bastard was always working. And Gin didn't want to be clingy. He didn't need him to come to his place to make him feel less alone. And besides, he wasn't feeling that depressed. It wasn't like he was down in the dumps. Even though he knew, that he still wouldn't call him even if he were truly miserable. He didn't need pity and he wasn't that desperate. When being with him, he wanted to be happy, not to drag him down. He didn't want to make him worried.
Grunting softly, he massaged his forehead, but still couldn't let go of the cigarette package. He tried suppressing his wish to meet him and told himself he was being stupid. Gin didn't need to go outside and he didn't need to call anyone. He didn't need to see anyone to feel better. It wasn't like he was that pathetic. Still, his train of thought had embarked on this trail and it seemed like it wouldn't stop anytime soon. So, begrudgingly, he thought of blue eyes and dark hair.
It was true; Gin had never been a big fan of the police. He had experienced the worst of them, their despotism and their brutality. He had suffered under the intrigues of political leaders and their whims and had lost all faith in their ulterior motives. They all had been nothing more than Bakufu dogs, blindly following orders, sentencing innocent people to executions and rewarding murderers with riches. Gintoki had just accepted that, had condoned the new rule, the occupation and the changes and had dug a hole to hide from all of that.
He didn't like the police. But he had to give him that, Hijikata was different. Sure, he had started out as any Bakufu dog would, fighting rebels without ever questioning the motives behind them. He was a murderer, had cut down hundreds of patriots, imprisoned dozens and fought with no remorse. But still, Gintoki knew he had changed. He had found his way of living true to himself in the end. He was a good police officer. He had shown him that many times. They were lucky to have such a police on their side. Even though it was mostly made of idiots. But honest and righteous idiots.
His fingers tingled and he bit his lip. He missed him. He wanted him to come over. He wanted to be a part of his life. So many long months had he waited for him, so how was it fair that he couldn't see him whenever he wanted now? He at least needed to hear his voice. Just that.
Swallowing his pride and being trounced by his yearning, Gintoki clenched the cigarette package in his hands and walked inside again. He halted in front of the old telephone resting on the desk, stared at it in a fierce battle of wills, which he lost. Cussing to himself, he took up the earpiece and dialed his number. Maybe he wouldn't pick up anyway…
A few seconds filled with nervous heartbeat, the phone rang without anything happening. A circular beeping lulled him and made him incredibly edgy. Then, when a low voice finally picked up, he almost jumped.
"Moshi, moshi. Hijikata Toushirou speaking."
A hard swallow and he needed a full moment to calm down. Then, in his usual cheerful voice, he replied and scoffed.
"Oh, hey. It's you. Sorry, I think I've dialed the wrong number."
"…Gintoki?" his voice cracked because the reception was pretty bad. He could hear though, that he was a bit irritated.
"Ah yeah, it's me." He chimed and smirked, playing with the phone cord while squeezing the cigarettes in his other hand. "What's up? Still working?"
"…" For a long moment, there was a silence that made him awfully tense. When the officer finally replied, it was a load off his mind. "Um, no. Just finished my shift actually."
"Oh? Want to come over to my place?" he did his best to appear as carefree and normal, as he possibly could. "The kids are out and I'm hungry."
"Um…" He heard voices in the background and he figured they belonged to the Shinsengumi. "…Actually, I already made plans tonight, sorry."
"Ah, I see~." He grinned hearable and didn't make a big deal out of it. "No problem, then. Have fun! Call me, when you're free."
"I will." Someone screamed into his phone and by the look of it, it sounded awfully like Sougo.
"Hijikata-san, who're calling? Is that danna? Are you telling him, we're going to a strip club?"
"Cut the crap! We're not going to a strip club!"
"But you said-"
"Shut it!" Gin heard a ruffling of clothes and loud steps before Hijikata's voice sounded again. "We're not going to a strip club."
Now, the silver-head really had to smile, though he couldn't suppress a certain gloom mixing in it. "I know. Don't let yourself get teased by him every time."
"I'll call you again when I'm free, alright?"
"Okay."
"See you."
"See you."
.
And with that, the line was cut.
Gin stared at the phone and didn't breathe. He was a damn idiot. Did he really think that this would lighten his mood? If anything, it had made him even sadder. All of them were out having fun. Without him. Shit.
Harried, he smashed the earpiece back on the phone and stomped to the balcony. He was sick and he was angry. At Hijikata and the others and at himself. He was being stupid, he knew that. And yet, he couldn't fight the feeling of being neglected. Maybe he had been too sure that he would come. Maybe he hadn't expected him to decline. So it hurt, it hurt more than he liked to admit. Damn it at all!
Frustrated, he closed the balcony door behind him and fumbled for a cigarette. He didn't have a lighter, so he had to stomp in again to get some matches from the kitchen. Stressed out and desperate, he shoved the door shut again and stuck a cigarette between his lips. Using both hands, he lit the match and ignited the damn thing so he could finally take a drag. When the bitter smoke sank down into his lungs, he instinctively had to cough. Awful. It just tasted awful. But he couldn't stop himself anymore and took a deeper drag, taking it all in, tasting every last bit of it until his head was spinning.
He was pathetic, wasn't he?
Grinding his teeth and closing his eyes, he leaned against the balcony and tousled his hair. The poisonous feelings crept higher and blackened his stomach. He felt nauseous and lonely and forgotten. He couldn't stand these feelings. He wanted them to go away. He didn't need them. So he took another deep drag and tried burning them up like the cigarette between his lips.
But all what burned was tobacco turning into ash.
It was his third cigarette. He didn't know how that even happened.
It wasn't like he had any desire to smoke and since his head had been spinning severely after the first one, he had vowed to do this never again. But then, after a while, a second one had found its way between his lips and now he was standing here again. He could understand Hijikata's addiction, kind of at least. Disregarding the bitter taste and the scratching and burning in his lungs, this was good to keep oneself busy. And that's how Gintoki considered this. Solely distraction, a way to waste time until it was late enough again to go back to sleep. Why else would he bother to do something like this, anyway? It wasn't making him happy. It was just a way to spend his useless time doing useless stuff.
The samurai had hesitated to light the third one, though. For minutes, the cigarette had just been in his mouth, doing nothing. Still, for whatever strange reason, that alone made him feel calmer. This small weight between his lips, the touch of the foreign material, it made him feel in contact with reality. It was familiar and yet, still unaccustomed in a way. It made him think of Hijikata, too, to be honest. He didn't go too deep into that direction. Gin just used these damn cigarettes of his as a token of him, like a bittersweet memory. Or in this case: very bitter.
He wondered if this mayonnaise freak would yell at him for smoking his cigarettes. He probably would. A small, despondent smile appeared on his face and he closed his eyes. He didn't care. Let him be mad, he thought and lit the third cigarette. If this bastard could ruin his lungs, he could do as he pleased as well, couldn't he?
A sudden noise made him flinch. It was a knocking on the door.
Surprised, Gintoki turned around and eyed the closed balcony door to look inside, but of course he couldn't see anyone. Then he tried searching for a clock, though he didn't have one nearby. The sky was red and orange and the sun was setting. In any case, who would knock on his door now? It was way too late for business. Maybe it was Tama trying to collect the rent. Oh, he really didn't need that now, too. So he turned his back around again and ignored the noise. Staring at his cigarette, he felt uneasy though. Silently, he stubbed it out and put it back into the package.
Another knock, louder this time. Wow, this person was annoying. Gin grumbled lowly and stashed his face in is hand, leaning on the balcony, staring into the evening sky. No one he would want to see would knock like this. They would just come in. So he didn't bother for whoever was standing in front of his shop. It was closed anyway.
The third, loud knock got him thinking. Who was that? Maybe he should take a peek? But he didn't want to see anyone, so that was out of the question. Yet, he put the cigarette package back on the window ledge, turned around and silently opened the balcony door. Slipping in, he tried his best to make no sound whatsoever and peeked to the entrance from the living room. He couldn't see anything, though.
Then, after that, a long silence reigned. Must have been gone, Gintoki thought and was relieved. He was just about to go to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water, as the fourth knock startled him. It was followed by the deep, raspy voice of a man.
"Gintoki. Open the door. I know you're in there. I can smell your reeking feet."
The next second, the door to the main entrance was being ripped open and two men stared at each other in similar surprise. A certain broke samurai, however, distorted his face into a grumpy mask.
"My feet don't stink."
Obviously taken aback by the abrupt opening of the door, Hijikata stared at him and snarled as well. "…So you're home after all. Why aren't you opening when someone knocks? That's called manners."
"Tsk." The silver haired man raised his chin and snorted. "What are you even doing here? I thought you were going to a strip club."
"I was no-… urgh…" He shook his head and closed his eyes, peeved off. "Wasn't in the mood to head out with the others."
"So you thought you could waltz in here like that? Well, too bad. I already made other plans." He replied, huffy.
It was clear as day, Hijikata didn't believe any of that. He just raised his arm and dangled a big white plastic bag in front of his nose. "I bought some take-out and some desserts."
"De… dessert?" And sure as hell, Gintoki began crying. A whole waterfall was gushing down his reddened cheeks and he had little hearts and stars sparkling in his eyes. "…Toshiii~!"
Disgusted, the cop scowled at him, trying to wrestle from any attempts to touch him. "Don't call me that! Giving me the creeps…"
Sniffing, snorting his snot up again, he rubbed his eyes with his arm and eyed him. "Well, I guess I can spare some time for you… since you brought sweets. …You bought something sweet, didn't you? Be sure, I won't be letting you set one foot in here if you consider mayonnaise a dessert."
"Don't be silly." He glared at him, feeling uncomfortable standing outside here waiting. "I bought you some pudding."
"Pud-" he choked on his breath and almost sniveled again. Next thing he knew, he grabbed the plastic bag and strolled inside. "Alright, you're allowed to enter my castle then. Feel at home!"
He heard Hijikata sigh, but he sensed some relief as well. As Gintoki disappeared into the kitchen, the sounds of a closing door and the taking off of shoes echoed through the hallway. The silver haired samurai felt the need to escape his gaze for a second. At least until he was able to recollect himself. His pulse was freaking, going out of control now. He really had come! Hell, he didn't know how to feel about that. He was elated. But also scared for some reason. To hide his bewilderment, he didn't have many choices. So he tried to ignore all of it and pretend this was no big deal.
"Your kids not at home?"
"Ah, yeah." His voice chimed. "No, they're busy. I'm all alone today."
He felt his presence in his neck, though the man was only standing at the doorway, watching him. "Didn't work today?"
"Gya, gya, gya! What's it with you? Always nagging about work. Can't a man savor his free time for once?" Grabbing the chopsticks and some spoons, he turned around and grinned cheekily.
He saw him bending up one eyebrow. "…Once in a while?"
Another smirk, genuine now and he approached him, made him carry a water glass and a box of katsudon. "Yeah, once in a while. I was actually enjoying myself until you appeared here. Really, didn't you say you were busy? Just how much do you miss me?"
Being so close to him, Gintoki couldn't escape his scrutinizing gaze. It made him feel uncomfortable. His voice was low and unfamiliarly defensive. "You were the one who called me up."
He felt his heart skip a painful beat at that. With all his might, he kept his smile up, but the truth was, he felt terribly itchy. Especially with these beautiful blue eyes being so close. "I did not. I just wanted to know when you're free again. I didn't say you should drop your colleagues and bring me snacks. That was entirely your decision~."
As Hijikata didn't answer that for a rather long moment, Gintoki felt uneasy. The officer was just staring at him, silently, analyzing him. He could feel it. As if he was dissecting him. He looked deep. Way deeper than he liked. And it petrified him. He couldn't bear it. Was this guy seeing right through him?
"Well… it sounded as if you wanted some company, so…"
Hijikata replied with this strange, calm voice that was boding ill. He didn't like that. He was onto him, wasn't he? Or was he just being too suspicious? Shit, he couldn't keep this mask on for long. So he turned around with a smile and filled another glass with tab water.
"So? This is all it needs to get you? Wining a bit on the phone and you're on the spot? Really, you have such a soft heart, Hijikata-kun. Too cute~!"
As he didn't reply to that either and eyed him instead, Gin was sure he was seeing right through him. Who else, if not him? They were alike after all. They were both equally bad at showing their feelings. So it was natural that he could see, he was not okay at all. Gin didn't want to admit that. He shivered. The thought crept him out. Maybe it had been a bad idea to invite him after all. He didn't want to show him this side of his.
The silence was unbearable and threw itself onto his back, suffocating him. He still tried acting like nothing was off and smiled as he turned around, his own food, pudding, water and chopsticks in hands. "Come on, let's eat. I'm starving."
He didn't look too deeply into his eyes, avoided his serious gaze on purpose. It only augured badly. He wouldn't let him get too comfortable in his position. And he prayed he wouldn't ask. He hoped Hijikata would just let it go and ignore it.
Giving him a shallow beam, he passed him and walked into the living room to slump down on the couch. He removed the plastic top and was honestly elated when he realized that the meal was still warm. Yakisoba. Not his favourite dish, but he liked it enough to make him excited. Better than rice with soy sauce either way. Waiting just until Hijikata had sat down, he balanced the chopsticks between his thumbs, squeezed his hands together and nodded.
"Itadaikimasu~"
Adamant about continuing to pretend nothing was off, he was shoving down the noodles into his mouth and chowed them down like the starved beast, he was. He saw Hijikata's hesitant movements from the corner of his eye, deepening his suspicion. But as the policeman dedicated himself to his katsudon as well, he felt more at ease. Eying him up with a small smile and a mouth full of yakisoba, Gintoki almost seemed fine again.
"So. Was Okita teasing you again today?"
"No more than usual." The cop didn't look at him now, stared at his food and ate it seemingly unfazed. He was rather defensive, though.
"What were you even doing tonight? Having a party?"
"Not really. Kondou-san invited us to a sushi place, but I wasn't really in the mood for that. So I bailed out."
"Hmmm~" Gin grinned teasingly. He couldn't help it. Even though it didn't particularly amuse him today. "To be with your boyfriend. How romantic~. Good thing I called then, isn't it?"
"Hm…" he replied and seemed to be deep in thought. It was seriously creeping Gin out. What was it with him today? He didn't react to any of his bantering. Was something bothering him? God, what a pain in the neck. "…I guess so."
He wouldn't give in, though. So he gulped down his meal and hid his face behind the bowl in doing so. "Any breakthroughs with your drug lords?"
"No, not yet…" his voice was strangely serious.
"…Anything else happening lately?"
"Hmm…" The policeman was pondering, but didn't look at his partner directly. "Not much… ran into your landlady yesterday. Felt like she was scrutinizing me. The robot girl also had some strange comments. 'm not sure what to make of them…"
"Otose and Tama?" Gin smirked, still forced. "Yeah, don't worry about them. Tama's a robot after all, so sometimes she talks nonsense. And the old hag's just cranky all day long. Although, I'm guessing she must like you."
"Why's that?" He felt Hijikata's prominent gaze on himself, but he couldn't return it. Instead he shoved more food between his teeth and talked with his mouth full.
"Well, you're a cop. She likes cops for all I know. And you paid the rent when being trapped in my body. She likes responsible men like that."
"…A real miracle she likes you then."
"Well~, I'm handsome and she appreciates that."
"Yeah, whatever."
Gin allowed himself to take a peek again. Something was definitely up with this guy. Should he go there? Shouldn't he? Gah, what a pain… "Everything alright with you? You're behaving oddly today."
For a long moment, their eyes met each other and the uncomfortable tension was right back. He could see things were racing behind his eyes, but seemed like he didn't want to share them with him. That worsened Gin's mood even more. It wasn't like they needed words to understand or support each other. But he would still like to know what was going on inside of him. He felt horribly irritated by such a bothered looking Hijikata.
"…Am I? …Well, I'm just tired." The blue eyes retreated back to his pork covered in egg.
Gin was silently grinding his teeth. Damn it. This was not right. He had wanted to spend time with him, yes. But not like this. He wanted him to smile and to quarrel with him. What was he supposed to do now? It didn't seem like Hijikata wanted to talk about it. So there was only one option left, wasn't there? Diversion. He could use it, too, to be honest. And if both of them needed distraction, why not go for it? He was certainly up for it.
A rather uncomfortably long moment, both men ate their meals in silence. Gin gobbled down the rest and flushed it with some water. He whispered a happy thanks for the meal and leaned back. Setting on arm on the couch, he started eying his partner again. He watched him until the black haired man had almost finished his meal. Gintoki hadn't touched his pudding yet. He would save it for later. Instead, a broad smile appeared on his face. It was fake, but he convinced himself to belief it was honest.
"You look pretty handsome today, you know that?"
Just a hint of a blush on his cheeks. He still wasn't used to these kind of affectionately gestures and the silver head found that incredibly appealing. He loved to make him react like this.
Shutting his eyes, the policeman put the last piece of mayo drenched pork in his mouth and chewed it hastily. "I'm looking just like everyday."
"Well~" Gin chuckled and tilted his head a bit. "Today your hair looks especially nice. And I like you in your Shinsengumi vest, without the jacket. It looks plain hot."
A glass of water on his lips and he still didn't open his eyes, embarrassed. "…G-good to know."
As he put the glass back on the table, Gin's grin intensified. He suddenly stood up and walked towards him, touching his shoulder to shove him back into the backrest of the sofa. With a skillful movement of his legs, he sat on Hijikata's lap next and looked down into blue eyes. He still smirked and his hands ran through black hair and over a strong throat. Distraction. That's what they needed. And what was better than sex for that purpose?
"Thanks for bringing me pudding~. But right now, I'd like to have a different kind of dessert."
Hijikata gulped and Gin felt the arousal spiraling down his stomach already. Yeah, sex was a damn good idea. He wanted to be fucked senseless by him, so he would forget his nightmare and this whole damn day. He didn't hesitate, didn't wait for any kind of approval. The silver head just took what he wanted and pressed their lips together, hungrily exploring his mouth with his tongue.
It felt good, it really felt fucking good. He was ready to go, had underestimated how horny this alone would make him. Yanking Hijikata's head back and rolling his thumb above his throat was making the feeling even stronger. He kissed him fiercer now, showing him he was dead serious about it. He wanted to be diverted. And he felt himself already falling and turning off all of the things that pierced his heart.
Hijikata's arms were rising as well and he trapped him in a strong embrace that made him shiver for a second. His tongue was definitely battling with his, but he couldn't help but realize that the man was not as demanding as he usually was. He was still being defensive, even now. What the heck was up with that?
Unsettled, Gin broke the kiss after a few more moments and licked his lips, stared down into his half opened blue eyes. His pulse was drumming against his temples and the arousal was beginning to cloud his senses, but he tried to restrain himself a little and smirked at him.
"What do you say?"
The cop's mouth contorted for a second, suspiciously, seriously. Way more serious and levelheaded than he ought to be after such a passionate kiss. "…Did you smoke?"
Oh, he had totally forgotten about that. Caught, he laughed faintly. "No? You imagining things now? Tasting your own nicotine rotten breath? Really, why would I smoke?"
There it was. This gaze again. This observing, worried gaze that seemed to cut right through him. He hated that. He wanted it to go away. So he nibbled on his lips and let his hand wander down the man's chest to his stomach.
"More importantly… how would you like to do it? Want me to be on top? Riding you? Or want to do it doggy style? But I can also start by sucking you off. Would you like that~?"
Gin felt the arms around his back embracing him tighter and started biting Hijikata's earlobe in return. He was ready to do anything for him now. So when he heard Hijikata's answer, he was more than just taken aback.
"…Well, to be honest… I'd like to take a bath instead. Had a long day."
Huh?
Gin glared down into his blue eyes and couldn't close his lips. Did he just reject him? Muddled, he searched for any kind of trolling, but seemed like this guy was serious. His stare was deep and still reaching out for him, but Gin didn't let him look. He was perplexed by the whole situation. Hijikata just hugged him firmly, after all. So he tilted his head and scrutinized him.
"…Now?"
"Yeah…" He was indeed holding him tight, no sign of letting go. An intense glare resting in his iris. "…Wanna come with me?"
He didn't know how to respond to that. Of course he wanted to. But what did that imply? He couldn't get a straight reading out of this man today. He was denying him, while keeping to him and refusing to let him go. Gin couldn't cope with these mixed signals. For a long instant, he couldn't answer his question. As he couldn't bear his staring any longer, though, he finally nodded. "Okay."
He was blushing hard.
How did it even come to that?
Just a few minutes ago, he had been in full control of this situation and now this. Gin had refused to leave his track, had continued to tease and seduce and smirk at him, but it seemed all of that was for naught. Hijikata had impeded all of his attempts to get kinky with him. Only to one of Gin's requests had he agreed to and that was that they would wash each other's backs. Gin had scrubbed Hijikata clean, not without kissing his neck and hugging him from behind though. But the policeman didn't seem too affected by any of that. A blush and some embarrassed comments, nothing more.
Instead, now it was his turn to get his back scrubbed and he didn't understand why, but he was blushing. It felt uncomfortable. Not because the mayonnaise freak was scrubbing too hard or making indecent comments or gestures, really. No. He was feeling uncomfortable because it was quite the opposite. Hijikata was right behind him, brushing softly over his skin. He was so gentle; Gin didn't know how to handle that. He wasn't used to this kind of affection, this kind of sensitive touching without the intent of sex. It was plain weird and he didn't know how to feel about that.
He squat on the little stool and didn't move an inch. One part of him was waiting for this torture to finally be over, the other part was enjoying these unfamiliar sensations. He couldn't remember the last time anyone had ever touched him this softly. Not even Hijikata because usually whenever they were touching each other it was in a sexual context. This wasn't. And he couldn't help but feel afraid for some reason. There was a big deal of resistance inside of him. He kept his mouth shut for now, but he felt the strong urge to say something to ridicule this whole getup. It was the natural impulse to deal with it. He had a hard time accepting such gentle touches.
The man behind him was completely silent, only his hands were wandering over his body, leaving foam wherever they went. When he reached Gintoki's neck however, the silver head flinched. His fingers started washing him behind the ears and he couldn't help but feel…
"…You ticklish behind your ears?" Was the short commentary from behind. He seemed amused at that.
"…'m not…" his voice shivered a bit, but he hoped this bastard wouldn't hear.
"…Hahaha, that's cute." Hijikata seemed to get accustomed to the teasing role and Gin wasn't sure if he liked that or not. Right now? Hated it…
"…Hurry up already…"
"Don't be so impatient." Clearly enjoying his position, the fingers scrubbed some more. "It's completely covered in jam. Don't you ever wash yourself behind the ears?"
Grrr… bastard. "Who needs that anyway? 's not like anyone would look."
He heard another squirting of shampoo and the instant later, the black haired man started foaming his hair. "Really. With such an attitude, it's no wonder you never get anything done. When you're slacking off with your appearance, you're slacking off with your life as well."
"Oh, save it! Don't need your preaching. And I can wash my hair by myself!"
"Sure you can, but my hands are already soaked so I can do it."
When his fingers brushed over his scalp, Gin couldn't suppress another shiver. He was astonishingly sensitive there and the rubbing and touching felt pretty good. His teeth clenched and he closed his eyes. Damn this bastard… "Urgh, fine… do what you want."
"Or so you say…" An amused smile was hearable in his voice. "…You like it, don't you?"
The blush deepened and he was utterly ashamed. He liked him better all shy and defensive! "No…"
A soft chuckle and he continued to message his head very gently. "Oh, come on Gintoki. You want me to stop?"
Urgh. He didn't know himself! He was being torn by these strange, contradicting feelings. "…Just get it over with so we can get into the bath."
"Fine then." Clearly in a better mood, Hijikata continued to shampoo his hair. He was being thorough and gentle, making Gin's heartbeat fast and hard and dull. The silver head enjoyed it, even though he couldn't fully let go. There was this dark, bitter and cold feeling still lurking inside of him. The fear of being rejected, the anxiety of losing this again and the creeping feeling of inferiority. Did he deserve so much love? Really? He couldn't help but wonder and his chest hurt.
A gush of warm water was streaming down his back as Hijikata turned the shower on. He made sure not one bubble of soap remained in the silver locks and continued to make Gin flustered in doing so. When he was finally done, the Yorozuya raised himself and stepped into the preheated bathtub. The hot water prickled on his skin and made him feel dizzy for a second. Still, he let himself down and rested his arms and head on the edge, closing his eyes.
"Uhhh~… That's the stuff."
.
The water shifted when Hijikata got in next to him. It wasn't overly spacious, but the tub was big enough to harbor them both. He could feel the cop's feet and legs grazing his, as he leaned back and let out a relished sigh as well. Gin peeked at him for a second and felt the complicated feelings returning. The two of them being so familiar and domesticated like this… Not in his wildest dreams would he have ever imagined that. It felt nice and yet, surreal. It felt too good to be true.
And that was exactly why he was so afraid it wouldn't last.
So he couldn't shake this feeling after all, could he? This terror of being left alone again and losing everything he held dear. His head faced the other side, so Hijikata couldn't see the emotions plastering his face. He couldn't help it. He was so freaking terrified.
"…Gintoki?"
His voice was very soft, undemanding and yet, Gin couldn't help but shudder under it. He pretended he was just relaxing and enjoying the bath, kept his voice high and carefree.
"Hm?"
It took a full moment before Hijikata carried on. "…Would you come here for a sec?"
He flinched and grew stiff, even though he was still leaning over the edge of the tub. "…Ha? I'm right here. What do you want?"
"…I…" The mayo enthusiast cleared his throat and seemed a bit embarrassed. "…wanna shift positions."
"Ha?" He swallowed a gruff what the hell are you talking about when he turned around to face him. As he stared at his reddened cheeks, he quickly understood. And it took his breath away. "…You… want us to cuddle…?"
The officer was unequivocally embarrassed, could hardly keep looking at him. But he tried and grunted softly. "…Yeah?"
Completely befuddled, Gin shook his head and then couldn't suppress a low chortle. "You for real? Naww, you're so freaking cute."
"Just come here." He demanded shyly and closed his eyes, his head burning red.
Gintoki was tempted. But then again, he didn't want to get himself into an even more vulnerable position. He hesitated, making fun of him. "Nah, it's too hot in here. If I'm too close to you, I'm gonna get dizzy for sure."
Just one eye opening now, his voice challenging. "You're too ashamed to do it? Or are you afraid you might like it as well?"
He was such a dirty bastard. Provoking him like that… "Tsk. Don't get too cocky. 'm not afraid. It's just too hot."
"No it's not and now come here, for Pete's sake. I bought you pudding, didn't I?"
"Woah, now you're going to blackmail me? How cheap! You're calling yourself a cop?"
"Well, if you're being tsundere what am I left to do with?"
"I'm not tsundere!"
"Really? Then prove it and come here."
.
Ugh. He couldn't believe this guy. How could he have outwitted him like that? Honestly, he should rethink his life decisions. Though, there wasn't much he could do now, was there? He had asked nicely after all… not to mention he had swallowed his pride in the first place. So, more than begrudgingly, Gintoki moved in and did as he was told.
"Fine then. Move your legs, will ya? Leaving me no space, damn bastard…"
A few seconds of clumsy moving around were needed until Gin sat between Hijikata's legs and was leaning his back against his chest. His pulse was already beating fast, but when the policeman folded his strong arms around him, drawing him into a hug, he felt the whole thing going out of control. He was getting hot all right. Not because of the water and neither from arousal, though. All those different kinds of emotions were heating him up, burning him from the inside. He had a sour, quenching feeling in his gut. This had been a bad idea, he knew it.
Did he really deserve such a nice man? Did he earn this gentleness? Did he really?
Hijikata was hugging him tightly now, stronger than was called for in this kind of situation. He was pressing him against his chest and made no attempt of letting go. Gin could feel his nose grazing his ear and cheek and his breath on his neck. It made him shiver and bite his teeth together. A snarky remark lay on his tongue, but he just couldn't usher it. He was petrified in such a longing embrace.
He was so fucking glad Hijikata couldn't see his face now. He wasn't able to hold in any of these emotions. They bubbled up and burst to the surface. He was so freaking afraid of losing him. He was horrified of this feeling inside of him, he couldn't control. He was terrified to show his weak side to him. People loved him because he appeared strong and because they could count on him. Hijikata was no exception. So he couldn't give in. He wouldn't let him see his distress and sorrow.
"Gintoki…" His voice was a soft whisper, but his lips were directly next to his ear. It made him shiver. He still couldn't get used to this guy using his first name. It got him every time.
He couldn't reply. He just couldn't.
Hijikata was hugging him firmly and nudged his nose against his wet hair. "…If you need my help with anything… you just have to ask."
.
Gintoki gulped and the bitter feeling twisted his gut, making him sick. So he knew. So he had realized. Well, there was no point denying it anymore, was there? Who was he trying to fool? These feelings didn't go away. And he was utterly helpless under them.
The silver head held his breath. He didn't move, bit his lip and struggled. If he said something now, his voice would shake for sure and betray him. He didn't want to let that happen.
"…It's probably none of my business, I know…" his hug was still strong, but his voice soft. "…But I'd like to help you if I can."
Gin couldn't bear it. The anxiety battled with loving warmth in his chest and he felt defeated. Hijikata had seen right through him. He didn't force him, didn't expose him. He was just recognizing something was off and was offering his help. He wanted to comfort him… The silver head swallowed and felt lost in his strong arms. There was no point in hiding anymore. The urge to deny all of this, to counter it with some snarky comments was strong, very strong. It would just make a fool out of him. And he also yearned for his help, yearned to let go.
Instinctively, Gin raised his arms and touched Hijikata's. His head nudged against his in a gesture of affection. His voice was thin. "…Thanks…"
The policeman was shivering as well, but he seemed to sense Gin's yearning for closeness. One of his arms moved and he let his fingers run through silver locks. Very gently. While he was still holding him, his lips placed a feathery kiss on his cheek. Gintoki felt as if he would drown in this suffocating closeness, in this unbearable tenderness, in this unfamiliar affection. It felt so odd, so frightening. But if Hijikata had already seen his weak side and decided to answer it with this… what was he waiting for then?
Who was he kidding anyway? He wanted this. And he had overcome his fear so many times now. He should have learned by now that there was nothing to be afraid of. He needed that. He wanted that. To be that close to him and get lost in his arms.
He loved that freaking bastard. From the bottom of his heart.
The Yorozuya twisted his head enough so he could caress him. It was a weird and uncomfortable angle, but they still somehow managed to meet in a kiss. It was an odd kiss. Not at all passionate or longing or dirty. Just very deep and gentle and unhurried. A soft touching of their lips, an undemanding pressing of red skin against each other, their breaths mingling and swirling into each other. Gintoki's heart was beating higher now and he was allowing the warmth to grow stronger. Acknowledging the inseparable bond they had formed. There was no room for him to be scared. Not with this man at his side at least.
When their kiss ended, both men were gazing at each other with half opened eyelids. Gintoki couldn't suppress a smile, honest that time. His fingers were brushing dark strands of hair behind his ear and stroking over newly shaved cheeks. As the officer realized this candid smirk, he smiled as well, tracing his fingernails over his throat. For a long, peaceful moment, neither of them moved or said anything. They just enjoyed their company and the air between them.
.
Another kiss later, Gin was snuggling up to the officer, comfortably now. Just like a cat, he was purring and nestling his face against Hijikata's collarbone, clawing his fingernails gently into his skin. The black haired man let him do as he pleased and wrapped his arms around him once more. His eyes closed and he suppressed a pleased sigh. He was so relieved Gintoki had finally dropped his masquerade and his despondent look. It had seriously worried him. He couldn't stand this fake smile on his face. He couldn't bare him acting like nothing was wrong.
All he wanted was that this guy would open up to him a little, let him help him deal with his troubles. He wanted to repay the kindness he had received, wanted to protect him from his ghosts. He wanted to be the shelter he deserved, the shield he could use when he was hurt. He wanted him to feel at home in his arms. That's all he wanted.
"Thanks for coming by today." The red-eyed man whispered and it was easy to hear, he meant it.
So the officer couldn't refrain from letting his fingers get lost in silver locks and his lips from pressing another kiss on his temple. Being like this was still a bit odd, unaccustomed. But he loved it with every last fiber of his being. This was where he was supposed to be. This was where he wanted to be. Where he wanted to stay till the day that he died.
Who would ever have thought it would be in the arms of this man?
Annotation:
*Taiko: typical Japanese drum.
*Zōri are flat sandals, like flip-flops.
Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! At this point, I'd also like to thank all of the guest commentators! I usually write every reviewer a personal thank you message, but I can't when you're not logged in and writing as a guest. So: thank you for commenting! It makes me so happy, ever freaking time! Thanks! Especially SilentOrange & Withoutsmile - you rock!
Also, on a different note: I will be very busy (final exams) and on holiday at the end of June and in July. I can't guarantee when the next chapters will be uploaded. Sorry! I'll try next Monday, but no promises! Could be you're gonna wait for a few weeks. But please don't worry. There are still plently of chapters waiting for you and I will update them for sure! Just be a little patient :)