Chapter 9

The conversation with the boys was not one that she ever thought she would need to have. When she had married it was to be forever, like in the stories that she had read to divert her attention when she could hear her parents argue. The characters in the storybooks became her friends; it was from them that she sought comfort when the atmosphere at the meal table told her that mummy and daddy were not talking – again.

After the awareness that John had, once again, lied to her she felt that there was no going back, no chance that they could start again. His whispered words as he stood at the bedroom door had given her a glimmer of hope. She wanted so much to believe that he wanted her above anyone else, but he must have known as he uttered them that he had planned a further weekend of deceit. If he could not keep away from Judith when he was, supposedly, begging for their future together, what hope was there? The behaviour that had hurt the most, in a strange way, was the fact that he had gone to Edinburgh without Lawrence. How he would have loved such a trip.

Caroline now wondered whether it was right to speak to the boys without John. She certainly did not want her actions or words to be shaped by any form of revenge, at least as far as it concerned the boys. Eventually she decided that although there was a good argument for John to be there, to see how the news affected them and to take responsibility for his own actions, his presence was likely to increase their distress. Caroline felt that he would not be able to act in an adult manner and was likely to need support rather than give it out. It was certain that she would be more able to care for the boys if she was alone with them albeit she would need to put her own feelings aside to do so.

Once she had given them the bare bones of the situation, William, always the more thoughtful of the two, appeared more concerned for Caroline than for himself. Although it was true that his relationship with his dad was not always positive, this ordeal was certain to rock his world even if he was likely to do a sterling job of hiding it. He was sure to take solace in his books as Caroline had done thirty years previously. As she had expected, partly because of his age but also because of his temperament and his closeness to his father, Lawrence was less able to mask his feelings. He argued with his mum about the truthfulness of her words.

'I don't believe you. He wouldn't do that to us. You've made a mistake.'

'I promise you that I would give anything to have made a mistake, Lawrence.' She moved to sit closer to him but he shied away from her comforting touch. 'I was as amazed as you are when I found out.'

'Mum wouldn't make up such a story. Don't be a dork.' William chipped in with support.

'Don't you call me a…'

'Boys, come on. This isn't helping anyone. We'll all need to support each other. Your dad too. It won't be easy for him.'

'How can you defend him, mum? After what he's done, is doing to us?' William's emotions were starting to surface.

'Because I loved him, William. I hate what he's doing but I can't stop caring for someone just like that.'

'Well, he did.'

Lawrence listened to the words but his face said that he was struggling to take things in. Caroline reached out again to touch his arm and he fell into her hug and sobbed, lost in his grief.

'Has he stopped loving me, too?'

Caroline snuggled in to her younger son, who rocked back and forth in her arms.

'NO, never. Your dad loves you very much and that won't change.'

'Where will he live?' William questioned, wanting some order in his world.

'I don't know. I don't think he's had time to organise anything.'

'Do you know this other person, mum? Have we met her?' Lawrence mumbled into her shoulder, not wanting to let go.

'No, I don't think we have. I don't know much about her. That will be for your dad to tell you if you want to know.'

'Well, I don't and I don't want anything to do with him. He can live in Timbuctoo for all I care.' William ran from the lounge and thudded up the stairs. There was a resounding bang as his bedroom door closed.

The conversation with Lawrence continued for some time, with reassurance given that he could see his dad and that Caroline would not think less of him for doing so. Just as Caroline thought she must check on William, he re-joined them. He seemed to have brought his emotions back under control but his mum was not fooled and knew that she would need to find time for him before the day was out.

'What about school, mum? Will the teachers need to know?'

Caroline realised that the answer to William's question affected her too. How did she feel about staff knowing her personal business? She knew that her wishes would have to take second place to those of the boys.

'That depends on what you want to happen. We would normally advise that school is told so that we can support as necessary. You know, understand if someone's level of concentration changes, that kind of thing. But I know and I'm there, so I think that would be fine if you didn't want anything said. You can tell friends and teachers if you want to.'

The boys decided that they did not want staff to know, at least for a while.

'Where's dad now? Can I speak to him?' Lawrence queried.

'I'm sure you can speak to him, if you want.' Caroline avoided the first part of his question, for Lawrence's sake it would be cruel to add insult to injury. 'I would suggest you send him a text to say that I've spoken to you and that you're going to ring him. What do you think?'

Lawrence agreed to her suggestion but wanted to do so from the privacy of his bedroom. After he left William took his brother's place next to his mum.

'You as ok as you seem, mum?'

'Oh, getting there, my sweet boy. It's rocked our world and I don't think any of us will be anywhere near ok for some time. What about you?'

'I don't know. I feel really, really angry with him. As I've got older I've watched and thought about how he is with us. With all of us. You know, he doesn't really act like a parent most of the time. It's like I've got an older brother, another one for you to keep in check, organise, that sort of thing. But I never thought he'd do this.'

'Me neither, William. It was a shock to me too. I've seen you looking at how he acts, seen you thinking. My guess is that's why you're often so serious and careful. You've been trying to take some of the man's role in the house to support me.'

William smiled despite the pain.

'Well, there's one less adolescent to monitor now so that should make our task easier!' William knew that his mum would see the funny side of his observation and they laughed together until tears came.

ooOoo

At Lawrence's request John came to see him the following evening after school. William kept to his room and Caroline went to Celia's flat during the visit. Lawrence was quiet afterwards and just mentioned to his mum and brother, almost as if in passing, that John was going to move in with his girlfriend who was called Judith and worked at the University. Lawrence added that he had told his dad he never wanted to see her.

Days went by and the household found a new rhythm, painfully subdued but calm. Caroline felt amazed how quickly she adjusted to the role of a single parent until she recollected that John had hardly been an interested and supportive contributor to the family. Despite their separation, she received numerous frantic, exasperating phone calls from her husband who always seemed to have some practical issue for her to solve. She told him that it was time he stopped calling after he had interrupted an important meeting to ask about car insurance.

'You've no right to ask for my help, John. I'll pack up your files so you can sort out your own problems. You are no longer my responsibility.' She paused briefly. 'Did you hear the expression I just used to describe you? My responsibility. Maybe that says it all. Bye, John.'

ooOoo

While Caroline found little difference in the running of the home, the rest of her life was not so positive. She continued to feel a hurt beyond words. It was the last thing that she thought of at night and the first thing that popped into her mind on waking, with disturbed dreams between those two bookends of grief. She had little interest in food and struggled to motivate herself to get to work every morning. It was not long before the change became obvious to others.

'Caroline, can I have a word?' Beverley was the first to brave the subject two weeks after John's departure.

She was beckoned in and took up her customary position on a chair by the side of the desk.

'There's only one way to say this and I'll not beat around the bush. Are you ok?

'Fine. Why do you ask?' Caroline did not make eye contact with her assistant and her tone was hardly welcoming.

Beverley hesitated. This was going to be a more difficult conversation than she had anticipated.

'I've worked with you for nearly six years, Caroline. I think it's likely that I spend as much time with you as I do with many of my family. I've not worked with a kinder and more professional person, ever. But, I'm sorry to say, the way you've been acting lately is just not fair. You've made two students cry in the last few days and I've never known you do that before.'

'Is that all?'

Beverley decided not to waste her opportunity. 'No. It's not. There's your weight. This is very personal, but your clothes are dropping off you. That's why I wondered if you were ill.'

'Thank you for your concern, but there's no need. I'll take your observations on board. Is that everything?'

'Yes, but I hope you know that...'

'Thank you, Beverley. If I need a confidante, I'll know where to come.'

As Beverley was leaving she stopped and turned.

'I care about you, Caroline, and I'm not stupid. I don't care if you think badly of me or think that I should mind my own business. I'd be letting you and Sulgrave down if I kept quiet and I couldn't do that. I also believe that there may be a time when the most self-assured individuals need to seek and accept support.'

Caroline nodded and turned her head, afraid that Beverley might see the tears that were threatening to drop. Her attention was drawn to the movement of the leaves on the trees just outside her window. The light from the early-afternoon sun reflected on their dancing surfaces. There was no sign of any change of colour but autumn was approaching and it wouldn't be long. The realisation that seasons would continue to come and go, while her personal world had stopped, shook her to the core. All the while Beverley's words reverberated through her conscience and she knew she owed her assistant something better than a terse dismissal. Unable to handle another conversation with Beverley she sent an e mail:

'Saying sorry isn't enough but I hope you'll accept it. Thank you for your support and loyalty – and the kick in the rear!'

Not long after she had sent the message there was a light knock on her door and, fully expecting it to be Beverley, she called 'come in.' A shy-looking Kate McKenzie appeared. It was the first time she had been to Caroline's office since her interview almost six months before.

'Sorry, Caroline, I wasn't quite sure what the procedure is and Beverley's not at her desk. Is it okay for me to have a few minutes of your time?'

Caroline left her desk to welcome Kate into the room, rapidly adjusting her thoughts as she did so.

'Don't be silly, Kate. Come in. Please take a seat. Gosh, you seem nervous.'

'I do feel nervous. I think it's bringing back memories of my interview! It's so very different seeing you here instead of in the pub with a glass of red in your hand.'

'I hope you haven't called in to tell me off for neglecting my Pilates lessons?' Caroline was trying very hard to be open and friendly but she sensed that she was wide of the mark.

'No; this is a rather different and difficult conversation, I'm afraid.' Kate paused to give herself time to order her thoughts.

'Take your time, Kate,' encouraged the head, to give herself time as much as to reassure the teacher, while becoming very anxious as to what was to come. She'd already been blind-sided once that afternoon and wasn't sure how she'd react to a further surprise.

'I'd like to talk to you about Lawrence. I guess this is a teacher to parent discussion as much as anything.' Kate looked straight across the desk to see the reaction to her words. She wondered if Caroline knew what was coming but her expression gave nothing away. 'I'm worried about him. He seems to have lost his spark. I'm sure you know that he's not one of the most attentive of pupils where French is concerned but this is more about how he is in the form group. He's become very quiet, withdrawn almost. It's got to the point where I'm almost praying for him to be disruptive or cheeky. I'd probably understand if it was just with me but I've kept a close watch and he's not really interacting with the other students. Can I ask, has he said anything? I think something must be worrying him.'

'Oh, Kate!' were the only words that she could manage before the tears flowed and she buried her head in her hands.