Chapter 13

Based on Caroline's negativity after the conversation in the pub some weeks previously Kate expected her words would produce a similar response. Silence reigned as Caroline crossed the kitchen floor to pick up her handbag, and it appeared Kate's fears were being realised.

'I'm sorry if I've offended you.' Caroline broke the silence but failed to make eye contact.

'I'm sorry if I've offended you too. It's not something that I feel a constant need to declare but neither could I go along with what you'd said. That would have been dishonest and no basis for a friendship.' Despite her self-awareness Kate felt unexpectedly nervous, albeit pleased that Caroline was, at least, engaging in conversation.

'But what I don't understand is why you thought I already knew; how would I?' Caroline looked at Kate for the first time.

'After what that woman said about us being a couple and my answer to her.'

Caroline smiled, much to Kate's relief.

'I know I was a bit withdrawn after that pub incident although it seems not for the reason you think. I was a bit shaken by what she said, I admit, but I didn't hear what you said to her.' She lifted the flap of her bag and opened the zipped pocket before placing a photo on the worktop. 'Here, have a look.'

Kate grinned. 'Wow, look at your short hair! Who's the other person and dare I ask why you are squeezed into a phone box?'

Caroline swallowed hard, knowing that her answer was likely to be a crucial part of any healing.

'Her name's Meg and I loved her. I broke my own heart when I broke hers.' The pain of earlier that morning broke through once again and the photo fell from Kate's grasp as she hugged her weeping friend.

Kate held Caroline tight as the tears flowed and her body shook.

'We're a right pair, Caroline. The last time you were in this house you were comforting me, remember? Come on, let's sit somewhere comfortable.' Kate's own voice began to break as compassion overflowed. 'Do you want to tell me more about her?'

Their walk to the lounge seemed to quieten Caroline but they had barely settled on the sofa before Caroline suddenly stood, her hand firmly on Kate's shoulder.

'I want to show you the other photos.'

She returned to the kitchen for her bag, the letter and photos, including the one which had fallen to the floor.

'Oh, Meg. I'm so sorry for being so weak,' she whispered as she stroked the face of her lost love.

Once again, she sat down next to Kate, whose own thoughts had been racing while she was on her own. Caroline placed her belongings on the coffee table before grabbing both of Kate's hands in her own as she started to speak.

'We met on our first day at University and hit it off straight away. It was uncanny and not like anything I'd ever known before. I'm not the most confident of people in social situations as I think you might have noticed but back then, well I was even worse. Totally lacking. Meg just broke through, somehow. It was just a few weeks later that she told me that she was a lesbian and, more importantly, that she had feelings for me. I was shocked. Having been brought up in a sheltered environment, I'd had little experience of life. Well, apart from my dad's philandering but that's a story for another time, maybe. I hadn't even had a romantic relationship of any kind when I went to Oxford. I'd always been more interested in books and studying. An oddity.'

'I'm sure you were nothing of the sort. Focus and determination to succeed didn't make you an oddity.'

'Huh! You haven't met my mother. Anyway, we'll come back to her later, assuming you're happy to keep listening. I asked Meg to give me space to think about what she'd said. I went away to work out what I thought, not just about Meg and our friendship but also about what I felt about her in that other way. It didn't take me long to realise why it was that we'd connected so easily and so well. Within about four hours I was on her doorstep and that was that. It was like coming home after being lost.'

'That's lovely but obviously not the end of the story.'

'To be honest, Kate, I was so scared of everything that I asked her to keep it quiet. Before University Meg had spent a gap year in France working as an au pair, and was about eighteen months older than me. During that time she'd had a relationship with a slightly older woman who lived next door, just a fling really, all ending amicably when she returned to England. Meg understood that I had to catch-up, as it were. It took me weeks to do more than kiss.'

Caroline paused and handed the photos to Kate.

'We were inseparable. The others guessed but didn't care and I started to become more confident in our relationship and future. These photos were taken by friends we spent time with when we could bear to share our time. We were so happy, as you can see for yourself, but it didn't last. About a year later I met John and thought my relationship with Meg was just a phase to get over and that I'd forget her.'

Caroline paused and it seemed as if she had said all she intended to say.

'You said earlier that you broke her heart.'

That simple statement by Kate was enough to restart Caroline's recollections, although at first it seemed as if she'd changed the subject.

'John's cleared his stuff out of the house at last, thank goodness. William had promised to help his Gran today and I wanted to keep busy, so I thought I'd sort through some boxes from the back of my wardrobe. These photos and a letter from Meg were in one of the boxes, untouched for about twenty years since I finished my degree. I remember not being able to bring myself to throw them away. I guess that speaks volumes. This morning all the hurt came back when I read the letter again and saw the photos. That's when I texted you. I came here for company, not to talk about Meg but when you told me you were gay it just opened the floodgates. I've never told anyone about Meg before, except my mother. Ah yes. Now we come to that. Kate, can we have something to drink? Alcohol related, preferably.'

They soon resumed their conversation, this time with a bottle of wine on the table in front of them.

'Wonderful lunch and now alcohol. Just what I needed. This next bit is not so easy to talk about but I'll try.' She took a deep breath in then exhaled. 'After I heard from Meg, and being so desperate to see her, I plucked up courage to talk to my mother. I expect that you'll think it strange but she wouldn't have let me go away for the summer without good reason. Not that she'd want me home to earn money. No way. That would have made it look as if my parents couldn't support me! The shame! In her eyes, anyway. But of course, without having a job I was reliant on them for money. No money, no travel, no visit to Meg. She wanted me to be home to keep her company. My dad worked away most of the time and when he was home, well, he was only home in body and not spirit.

So, I told her that I'd met someone whose parents had invited me to visit. All was well to start with but then, of course, when she asked me what HIS name was….. Oh my God. Talk about wrath. I was an embarrassment. How dare I? What would people say? They already thought me an oddity for being a woman and studying chemistry. Had I cut my hair because I was the male of the relationship and wanted to look the part? The ire and the vitriol flowed and I just took it. I didn't fight for myself or my feelings. Or for Meg.'

Caroline clutched her friend's hands so tightly that Kate felt her circulation would be compromised. She freed one hand to wipe the tears that had begun to fall from her own eyes, her heart aching for her friend and all those who experienced similar prejudice.

'Caroline, that's so sad. I can't imagine how awful that would have been. I was so lucky at the way my parents have always supported me whatever choices I've made in my life. I assume you finished the relationship with Meg to keep your mother happy.'

'Sort of, without telling her about my mother's interference. I just wrote to say that I'd changed my mind. I didn't hear back. When I returned to Oxford for our second year a large part of me was hoping that Meg would try to persuade me and give me courage to continue. When I saw her she looked so ill, thin and lifeless. Mind you, I don't think I looked much better. We'd been back about a week and happened to leave the lecture hall at the same time. I couldn't help but smile at her. She looked straight through me. A mutual friend came to see me later that day with a message from Meg asking me to have the decency to leave her alone; I'd done enough damage and she was barely functioning. That's it. End of story. Never spoke to her again. I put all those feelings in a box, locked it and threw away the key.'

'I have no idea what to say. It's simply tragic. I feel extremely privileged to have been trusted to hear it all.'

'I'm grateful to you for listening. I've taken up so much of your time and I probably need to go.'

'Have you got to be somewhere else?'

'William and my mum will be sending out the search party soon and this isn't getting your decorating done.'

'You don't have to go, for my sake anyway. How about just texting one of them to say you've bumped into a friend and you'll be back soon.'

Caroline accepted Kate's suggestion and William sent a short but telling reply.

'Lucky you. Please rescue me before too long!'

The two women continued chatting and sipping wine, before Caroline recollected that she shouldn't have had so much to drink as she was driving.

'Have another glass with me then get a taxi home and I'll collect you to pick your car up tomorrow. Please.'

It didn't take much persuasion for Caroline to agree and she relaxed for the first time that day. An hour later she knew that she really did have to leave, and a taxi was called.

'There's still one thing that I'm not clear about,' Kate mentioned as Caroline put her jacket on. 'When we were assumed to be a couple, if you didn't go quiet because you thought I was gay, what was the reason?'

Caroline was a little embarrassed but thought that Kate deserved honesty in return for her own. 'I thought that bloody woman had picked up on my dormant lesbianism and how I had started to feel about you.'

'Had?' Kate questioned expectantly, as the taxi driver knocked at the door.