Chapter 14

Caroline stood with one hand on the door knob, the other tightly clutching her bag. She smiled a smile that Kate knew would never fail to quicken her heart beat.

'Got to go. I'll book the taxi back tomorrow to collect my car.'

'Please don't. I'll pick you up. Say about half past ten.'

Caroline nodded, gave Kate a quick hug and followed the taxi driver along the path.

'I'll bring you back via Leeds so you have time to answer my question!' Kate called from the doorstep. 'It's too soon but I'll wait,' she said to nobody but herself.

ooOoo

While William was busy with manual labour his mind was otherwise occupied with wondering how things were going for Lawrence and his dad. Truth be told, jealousy of his brother was vying with anger towards his dad as to which one was the stronger emotion. Although his underlying nature was one of kindness, he was ashamed to admit to himself that he hoped their trip would prove to be a disaster. Fortunately, he found his Gran's company helpful; she was a ready listener to the susceptible sixteen-year-old's anxieties. Her need for his support was also a confidence booster and they sat down for another computer lesson after their other chores had been completed. But, as much as he was happy to be with her, he was more than pleased to see his mum walk into the flat.

'But I thought I had pressed THAT key to take me back to the previous page.' The flustered grandmother acknowledged her daughter's arrival without skipping a beat, 'Caroline, take your shoes off! The carpet's still damp. Trust you to come back when the work has been done. But, William, what if I want to open two at the same time?'

'Hello to you too, mum,' she replied sarcastically but did as she was told and walked in with stockinged feet. 'I'd have only got in the way. Well done, the two of you.'

She had decided not to go into detail of what she'd been doing unless specifically asked, and that was the case early that evening when the take-away was delivered and William noticed her car was not parked outside.

'Mum! Quick! The Jeep's been stolen.'

Caroline collapsed into a fit of giggles as she rushed into the hallway.

'Panic not, William. I left my car at a friend's house. We shared a bottle of wine and I couldn't drive home. I'll collect it in the morning.'

Both William and Celia were pleased to see her so cheery, making for a very enjoyable evening. On Caroline's part, she knew it had been some time since she had felt such an enthusiasm for what the next day would bring, although it was accompanied by the worry that there was a painful and challenging task requiring her attention before she could confidently look forward to the future. She suspected her mother would be no more accepting of a gay daughter than she had been half a lifetime ago.

ooOoo

Caroline was waiting on the front garden steps when Kate pulled onto the drive. As had become their accepted greeting, a hug was exchanged once Caroline had settled into the car.

'What a lovely morning, Kate. Just right for a drive to Leeds,' she uttered in a deadpan voice as the car reached the road.

Kate took a quick, sideways glance. She was greeted with a smile, which she returned with interest.

'You heard what I said, then?'

'Yes. I heard.' This time there was a lack of frivolity in her tone. 'Do you mind if we don't talk about it, Kate? I don't think I want to, at least not in the car. That's why I thought I'd raise the subject first. I didn't want you to be on tenterhooks wondering if you should ask again or for me to answer you. It's pretty hellish for me to talk about personal things and I need to feel that the time is right. When it is, as you know from yesterday, there'll be no stopping me.'

'I understand. I want to be a good friend, not one that adds to your woes. Can I ask how you feel today?'

'Yesterday wasn't the easiest of days but it's weird because I feel brighter despite the confrontation with the past. My mother and William didn't say anything but I'm sure they noticed.'

'Maybe you feel brighter BECAUSE of that confrontation. These things may seem to lay dormant but I believe they wield a terrible power. But if you don't want to talk about what was said yesterday how about we move on to politics and the education system?'

'Don't get me started on that, Kate. That's why I stopped working in state schools. We'd need to drive to the coast and back to even begin to deal with that particular chestnut.'

The remaining ten minutes of their journey was spent chatting in similar vein and once again both women were disappointed that their time together was coming to an end.

'Want to come in for a cuppa?' Kate offered as they stood on the pavement.

'I can't. I'd like to but I daren't leave William to his Gran's devices again. He's a good boy and deserves better!'

Caroline held Kate's lower arms and faced her full on. She didn't want her to think that she was deliberately avoiding her.

'Can we take a rain check? Tomorrow would suit me as William is going to meet up with some friends for lunch and the cinema. Lawrence won't be back until the evening.'

'That's fine with me. Want to come for lunch again?'

'Only if we can have some more of your wonderful soup and you let me bring the fresh bread.'

Without any further words being spoken she leaned in to kiss Kate on each cheek before beginning her journey home.

ooOoo

The following day saw Caroline drive William and two of his friends to the leisure complex. One of the other parents agreed to do the reverse journey, which freed Caroline up until late afternoon. She bought a baguette and a box of fresh fruit tarts from an authentic French baker, arriving at Kate's cottage earlier than she was expected.

Before getting out of the car she checked her hair and make-up in the rear-view mirror. 'Vanity, vanity, all is vanity!' she thought but looked a second time to make sure that she was happy with her appearance. The classic pink shirt under a cream loose-necked jumper, which had won the vote when she had dressed especially carefully that morning, were next to be subject to scrutiny. All the while she told herself it was a sign she was feeling better about herself again rather than any other reason.

Walking up the path to the cottage door she heard music coming from an open upstairs window. She recognised one of William's favourites bands. Suddenly Kate's voice rang out for the chorus, louder than Marcus Mumford.

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you…'

'Please do, Kate. Please do!' she pleaded quietly as she knocked on the door.

She heard the singing stop and Kate's face appeared at the open window.

'Oh, you've caught me painting. Be straight down.'

She brought attention to the paint smudges on her jumper, face and hands as soon as she opened the door.

'Look at me! Thankfully it is only emulsion and will wash off easily but I won't hug you and spoil your clothes. Do you want to have a look at my progress?'

Caroline followed Kate to the spare room, which would be finished once the last magnolia wall had been tackled.

'It's looking good, Kate. I've never done much decorating. I direct operations from behind the safety of the colour chart!'

'It's fun. My dad encouraged me to be self-sufficient. He told me from an early age that a woman shouldn't be reliant on a man. Perhaps he knew how my life would pan out! Give me a minute and I'll clean up. You can go down and put the gas underneath the soup pan while you wait, if you want.'

An hour later the two women debated over the choice of tarts.

'This is a real treat. Thank you, Caroline.' Kate mumbled as she bit into one laden with kiwi and strawberries.

'You're welcome. I thought they'd help me regain the weight I lost. Well, that's my story but the reality is that they're my weakness. What's yours, Kate?'

'My weakness?'

'Yes.'

'Dare I say, tall, blonde, beautiful women?' she teased.

'You can say what you want. Do you know any?' Caroline went along with the joke, while hoping that the compliment was not just something said in jest. Her face spoke of a woman longing for love to be declared without ambiguity and Kate read the expression clearly.

Wiping her mouth on her napkin, Kate summoned the words that she knew needed to be said.

'Gosh, this is difficult.' She paused and looked at Caroline, who didn't dare to catch her eye. 'I value our friendship. I hope, I think you know that. It has been an unexpected bonus in my new life in Harrogate. I would hate anything to happen to spoil that. The truth is I am attracted to you, but I'd rather have you as a friend than not at all. From what you said yesterday I think you feel something for me too.' Another pause while she waited to see how her words were received. Caroline's face remained expectant. 'It's too soon for us to try, Caroline. Too soon after John but more significantly, too soon after Meg.'

'How can that be too soon? It was over twenty years ago.' She knew the moment she said it that her protestation was inaccurate, and Kate's were words of wisdom.

Kate tentatively reached out across the table to touch Caroline's clenched hands, rubbing her thumb across silky smooth pale skin.

'Yes, true. But you've been holding on to hurt and inwardly grieving for what might have been all that time, even if you didn't realise it until now. You lost your first love. You know what the song says, the first cut is the deepest, and I think there's a great deal of truth in that.' She moved around the table until their seats were almost touching. She wound her arm across hunched shoulders. 'You know, this is nothing to do with sexuality but everything to do with the guilt that you feel and grief that is more acute than that from the breakdown of your marriage. That's why it's too soon.'

Kate hesitated, giving time for her words to take root and for Caroline to reply. The room remained silent and Kate decided to continue.

'I wonder if you're up to answering some questions. Simple yes or no answers if you don't feel like talking.'

Caroline nodded her head but did not otherwise acknowledge her friend.

'Am I right that you're feeling guilty about Meg and your behaviour.'

Nod.

'Can you still feel the love that you had for her?'

Nod.

'Is there some part…

'I remember it like it was yesterday. It was…. wonderful but I don't still feel in love with her. There's a difference.'

This time it was Kate who could only nod her head and she was rewarded by Caroline continuing to explain.

'I wondered 'what if' for a long time afterwards but I don't feel that now. Not for myself, anyway. I hope she's ok and wonder if her life has been good but that's to assuage my guilt, I suppose. I don't know how you think any of that is going to change. What's done is done.' She placed one hand on top of Kate's and returned the affectionate caressing.

'Well, at least your guilt and dreams are no longer locked in a box.' She squeezed Caroline's shoulders a little harder and leaned in to snuggle their heads together. 'How about finding Meg? You could explain why you did what you did. I can understand you wanting to know if she's happy but neither the nineteen-year-old, or the forty something, Caroline can take responsibility if she's not. But I do believe that it would be good for you to claim back your self-respect as you may struggle to move on unless you can forgive yourself. Maybe asking Meg's forgiveness again is part of that process.'

'Do you think?' She could not remember a time when she had been given such wise support and that awareness was comforting.

'I know what I think about you and I sense you feel the same. I question whether you and I, or you and anyone, would have hope of success with your mind full of what you did, how and why you did it, and with Meg's message still ringing in your ears.'

'I heard you singing when I knocked at your door today.'

Kate buried her head in their entwined hands, sensing that Caroline was familiar with the song that she had played on repeat all morning.

'Oh, how embarrassing.' She lifted her head and smiled.

'Not at all, Kate. You sing so well. You've kept that light hidden from your employer!'

'I didn't really mean the singing.'

'Will you, Kate? Will you wait for me?'

Kate moved to cradle the face of the woman she wanted to love forever. Slowly, respectfully and chastely she moved her head to bring their lips together. The contact was as light as air on a breathless summer day but as charged as that before a storm; as brief as it was meaningful, full of promise and commitment.

'For as long as it takes.'