A/N Thank you. What a kind bunch you are.

Chapter 16

Despite the evident pleasure that the kiss had given, both women felt awkward as it ended, albeit for differing reasons. Caroline blushed with excitement and embarrassment, and Kate couldn't look her way, ashamed that her resolve had crumbled so easily.

'I'm sorry.' Kate mumbled.

'Don't be.'

Kate lifted her head and stared into sparkling blue eyes, smile lines showing at the corners. Although she could see all of Caroline's face, she moved her head and eyes to check for any negative emotions battling their way to the surface. Caroline sensed her discomfiture and seized Kate's hands, shaking them gently as she spoke.

'Kate, I needed to kiss you. I was too much of a coward to make the first move, so it should be me apologising. It's like…. there's been decades of hiding, even to myself, and I couldn't carry on like that.'

Kate's nod and facial expression showed that she understood but she still was not comfortable with the way things had changed and there was a niggling feeling that she couldn't quite grasp.

'I understand, I do. But, Caroline, we need to backpedal. You know that I'm worried that it would be too easy to get swept up in the future without the past being dealt with. I don't want to risk problems down the line for the sake of waiting, maybe just a few more weeks.' She paused momentarily as an anxiety began to irritate her brain. 'If you needed courage to kiss me, and you haven't got it, that speaks volumes,' she observed, surprising herself at her rebuke.

'Possibly.' Caroline responded grudgingly, patently not used to having someone be so direct. She was attuned enough to realise that it was a reasonable observation and kissed her left index finger before placing it on Kate's lips. 'I suppose I'll have to make do with this, for now.'

Caroline's words and expression concurred, but Kate's anxiety was fast developing into fear as she considered whether Caroline's ability to be open about her sexuality was confined to the past.

ooOoo

The end of the autumn term was manic, as always, with Christmas concert preparation and performances having to be fitted around grading, reports and the usual day-to-day education of the students. For Caroline this was a welcome relief. It occupied her mind, at least during the day, so that she was not constantly anxious about hearing from Meg. As days sped by she began to think that she would never receive a reply but at the very least, hoped that if Meg did make contact it would be before Kate flew to New York.

It wasn't to be and as a subdued Caroline drove Kate to the airport, she realised afresh how much she had come to rely on her.

'It will be fine, Caroline. It's unlikely she'll reply now but wouldn't she have done so already if she was intent on bombarding you with recriminations? Just enjoy Christmas with the boys and I'll be back before you realise I've gone.'

'Ok. I'll try.' She looked up at the clock. 'I think you'd better head through security now. I'd say that I'd hate for you to miss your flight but that would be a downright lie.'

Kate followed her gaze and checked her watch. It was, indeed, time to say their goodbyes. At that moment, not matter how much she longed to see her mum, her heart was torn. She thrust those thoughts aside, determined to stay upbeat.

'Well, just remember that you are not allowed to open your present until Christmas Day. No peeping or feeling either!'

'Make me sound like a five-year-old. As if!'

'Yes, as if! I'll have you know that I overheard Lawrence say that you can't be trusted with presents. Something about being found underneath the tree, I believe.'

The exchange was enough to lift spirits temporarily and Kate scurried off, after a hug, to hide her own emotions as well as to protect Caroline's.

ooOoo

Caroline had reluctantly agreed that John could spend Boxing Day at Conway Drive. She donned the obligatory air of seasonal bonhomie, for the boys' sake, although William continued to have none of it.

'I don't know how you can be civil to him let alone laugh at his jokes,' he whined while he helped his mum put the finishing touches to an evening snack. Celia felt she was going down with a virus and had already returned to her flat, while his brother and dad played FIFA football on the Xbox.

'It's just for this year, William. Just for Lawrence. I'm sorry. I didn't realise just how difficult it would prove to be. Yesterday was good though, wasn't it?'

'Do you mind if I go to my room to watch TV? I think Gran might have given me some of her germs.'

'That's a generous gift!' She joked as she hugged her elder son. 'Might sneak upstairs myself once I've washed the salad. I think I'm going down with the John-induced lurgy too!'

With William gone she checked her phone, hoping that she might have a message from Kate even though she knew that it was unlikely until much later in the day. She was thrilled to see an e mail notification and opened the app without delay.

'Oh, damn, it's not Kate. Scientificgem. Huh! Inflated ego, more like. Dot fr. Oh a French show-off. What the…' Reality hit. Gem equalled Meg. She stared at the screen, reluctant to click on the link to open the message. A cold sweat swept down her back and she shivered.

Caroline leant forward against the kitchen worktop, elbows supporting her weight. The shivers turned to shaking and she stared at the phone in her hand as if it was a venomous snake threatening to attack. Her imagination began to embellish the possibilities and, knowing that the longer it was left the harder it would be, she clicked on the message and read it quickly before she had a change of heart.

'Caroline,

Irene told me that you were trying to find me. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. My immediate reaction was 'why' and that's still how I feel, to be quite honest. But we're in the season of goodwill and all that, which persuaded me to make contact, as requested.

I wonder how life has treated you. Irene tells me that you're married. Do you have family?

I don't live in the UK – my email address will tell you that I'm in France, but I've spent the last two months travelling the world. An experience of a lifetime that I would encourage you to do if you can.

I'm not promising to maintain an enthusiastic correspondence. I'm not one for that – with anyone, before you put two and two together, but your approach has piqued my curiosity so over to you.

Regards

Meg'

Caroline read it through several more times, analysing every word, as well as attempting to read between the lines. Meg posed more questions to Caroline's sensitive mind than had been specifically asked in the e mail. She was pleased to note that while the e mail wasn't welcoming, neither was there any explicit antagonism. Meg had thrown in vague references to their past but not enough to give anything away. Some of the e mail was formal, while other parts gave a hint of the Meg she had known; a mixed message. Of all the various possibilities that she had envisioned, indifference was not one of them and she felt a momentary, illogical hurt.

She put her phone away and decided to open another bottle of wine but within a few seconds she was back reading the message before forwarding it to Kate, hoping her opinion would help. Her reward came about half an hour later.

'Dear Caroline

We're out shopping but just stopped for a coffee – much needed, it's bloody freezing – and I noticed your e mail. You didn't comment so I wonder what you're thinking. Sounds relatively positive to me – she seems open to hear from you, which is what you wanted. Don't you agree?

I've bought the most wonderful pair of earrings, totally extravagant – they'll look wonderful with the necklace you gave me - but I'll have to stop eating for a month to pay for them! How's your day with John?

Speak later

Kate x'

Kate was right. Meg was open to hearing from her and that had been the hope. It wasn't likely, or wished for, that Meg would have written to declare that the flame of undying love was still burning. This was the first step and she should be grateful for that progress. She replied to Meg later that night after Skyping Kate.

'Dear Meg

Thank you for getting in touch. I had begun to think that you wouldn't but realise now that you would have been away on your trip when Irene contacted you. World tour – sounds wonderful.

Yes, I'm married (but separated) and have two teenage boys, William and Lawrence. Don't laugh – named after Shakespeare and D.H. Lawrence – their dad is a literary 'type'.

Your e mail posed questions, why you live in France and if you work, for example. You may not want to tell me, and I understand if that's the case.

I can hear you say 'that's enough small talk. Just tell me why you wanted to make contact.' But first I want to check if it would be okay to be honest and open when I do. I guess, what I'm saying is that I wouldn't want to embarrass you in any way.

With best wishes

Caroline'

Meg's reply came back the following day, defying her comments about not being an enthusiastic correspondent.

'Caroline

I guess what you are asking is whether anyone else will be able to read my e mails. I am in an honest and longstanding relationship and we'll be one of the first couples to tie the knot when France makes same sex marriage legal next year. Her name's Severine and she knows all my past so there's nothing you can write that will cause embarrassment or upset and she's aware that I've contacted you. I've nothing to hide.

Meg'

There was a terseness within this message that made Caroline smart. Rightly or wrongly she took the 'honest' comment as a barbed reference to the past. In her mind's eye she read an emphasis on the 'I've', as if Meg thought Caroline did have something to hide. The signing off was telling too. Meg. No regards, no best wishes. Just Meg.

'At least she didn't sign off as Margaret.' Caroline thought aloud.

'Dear Meg

I hadn't realised that France is ahead of UK on the same-sex marriage law. Severine is a French name so I guess that answers my query about why you live there. I hope you won't think it hypocritical of me to say that I hope you'll be very happy.

This might sound pitiful, and it is, but I've recently had cause to confront my past and, particularly, how I behaved towards you. I'll try to explain because one of the reasons why I wanted to contact you is that I'm ashamed I never did. Explain, that is. Not that the explanation covers me with glory or excuses my behaviour. I was a coward, Meg. I'm ashamed of that too.

When I came home that summer I was as happy and miserable as can be. Happy that I was in love with someone who loved me in return but miserable that we would be apart for so long. So, I told my mother. Her reaction was worse than I had imagined and I let that influence me. I didn't stand up for us at all, for what we meant to each other. I was more scared of her reaction than living without you. That's the truth. As I write these words it's as if I'm talking about a different person, a character I don't recognise. I recently found your letter and the photos you sent me. I hadn't been able to throw them away and that kick-started the search for you.

I'm not contacting you to ask for forgiveness. I'm not asking for anything from you. I just know that it's something I had to do – for myself and my self-respect. The truth of the matter is that I've been living a lie all this time. Hiding my real self from the world. I want to move on and I can't while the past continues to threaten my future. God! Don't I sound melodramatic? I know the answer to that – you don't need to tell me.

I do hope you've been happy, and will have a happy future, but I can see that might be thought of as a balm to my conscience. I guess it is but it's the truth, nevertheless.

With my best wishes

Caroline'

ooOoo

Days went by and Kate returned from her holiday and still Meg did not reply. Caroline was withdrawn. Others attributed her low mood to separation from John and the difficulties that the Christmas season had brought about but Kate knew otherwise. For Caroline there was the incessant inner voice nagging at her that she should have left the past where it was and ignored Kate's suggestion to contact Meg. So, there was a reserve between them that was not there before. Despite the possible repercussions Kate did not waver in her belief that it had been the only way forward, feeling that if their tentative relationship could not survive this hiccup, it was destined to fail anyway.

In mid-January Caroline heard from Meg again. She shut herself away in her bedroom, with a glass of wine, expecting the worse.

'Dear Caroline

I'm sorry that it's taken me so long to reply but I've been laid up – in hospital – with a return of a kidney problem. I'm well again now, they finally decided to remove the offender. It wasn't doing anything for me anyway. Not a great start to the new year but at least I'm here to tell the tale and I shouldn't have any further problems. Looking back, I wasn't well when I wrote to you just after Christmas which might explain SOME of the terseness of my e mail. The rest is because I felt that you were after forgiveness, and I wasn't sure at that time that I wanted to be used to salve your conscience. That will sound harsh, but unless you've changed beyond recognition I'm sure you'd prefer to hear it as it is.

I'm reading between the lines and wonder if you are in a relationship with another woman? Forgive me if I'm wrong but that seems to fit the clues that you gave. But no matter, if you are, I'm pleased for you. Yes, truly.

I am sorry that what happened between us all those years ago continues to play on your mind. I guess my reaction may have seemed extreme but there's another part to the tale that will explain MY behaviour. I'm not surprised to hear that you were swayed by your mother. I spoke to her, which I now realise you didn't know. If you remember, you had given me your home phone number. When I received your letter I knew, deep down, that you wouldn't have changed your mind. Even though I was beside myself with grief, I felt sure that your love wasn't something to evaporate just like that. So, yes, I phoned even though we had agreed we wouldn't ring each other. Your mother answered and I was bombarded, by threats, by accusations. She told me that you said you'd been duped into thinking you were a lesbian. You had come home and admitted it all to her, disgusted at your own behaviour, begging her for forgiveness. You name it, she accused me of it. By the time I hung up, she'd convinced me that I was the lowest of the low and, more importantly, that you thought so too.

You know what, Caz, I am hoping that you are in love with another woman. To me, that would seem to be justice for what happened then, for the love we had and had taken away. Who knows what would have happened between us. It would not be useful to contemplate that now but I know we did have the most perfect time together and I cannot regret that.

Just to complete my tale, you may remember that I worked for a French family in my gap year. I stayed with them again a few years after graduation and that's where I met Severine. She helps to runs her family's winery. We had a long-distance relationship for a couple of years but eventually we knew that one of us would have to budge if we were going to stay together and as I was more tempted by her lifestyle than she was with mine, it wasn't a difficult decision. I help with the grape analysis – putting my chemistry to some use – but I also teach English. We took two months off to do the world tour while we could – her parents will retire this year and we'll be more tied afterwards once we take full responsibility. I live a good and rewarding life with someone who adores me so stop feeling guilty, move on, and just maybe this will be your lot in life too.

Kind regards

Meg

P.S. If you are with another woman, I hope your mother has changed!'

It wasn't an impending virus or excess wine that made Caroline feel nauseous.