Chapter 3: The same wheel, a new pain.
Tris
Choosing Day in Dauntless is chaotic at best. As I walk through the Pit on my way home, I have to dart around the swarms of people racing up the pathways in excitement. Several feet below me at the base of the Pit, large circles are formed around the fighters - cheering and taunting. Couples have each other pressed up against the stone walls, making out and dancing to the blaring music. Most entertaining of all are the Leaders trying to get organized over the anarchy.
Choosing Day in Abnegation is a quiet affair, not unlike every other day. The only exception being that no service is expected from those who will choose. You're supposed to spend your time privately contemplating not who you are, but if you are willing to spend your life sacrificing your own and serving the rest.
There are no expectations for the Dauntless youth. In Dauntless, defecting is a sign of cowardice and if you even think about leaving, you don't deserve to be here. Everyone here seems so sure of where they belong and who they are. They were raised the Dauntless way - taught to be brave, strong, and confident. I think that most of them will stay, but I also know that there will always be people who crave something different, something they've never had before. There will be some who want quiet, and peace, and order.
Even some of those who are Dauntless will transfer. I know this because it happens every year. It happened to my selfless brother Caleb, who blindsided everyone when he chose Erudite. I guess it wasn't a choice for him, just like it wasn't a choice for me.
Last year when I chose, I was like an exposed nerve. This year I'm just as anxious, but not for myself. I'm afraid for the transfers whose lives will depend on me and my training. I know Christina will do great with the Dauntless-borns because she's a natural at everything. Tobias thinks that my being a transfer will show the initiates that you can come from any faction and still find your home here. It's a comforting thought, but the pressure remains.
"You ready for this, Stiff?" A voice calls from behind me, partially drowned by the music.
I turn to find Peter looking entertained.
I roll my eyes without a response. I know it isn't worth it. I just continue to walk down the long hallway toward our apartment.
"I wonder if Dauntless has ever had to cut an entire class of initiates before," he muses, taunting. "Poor kids. Factionless in a matter of weeks because of you."
The pulse of anger throbs in my chest, but I have to consider my surroundings. I'm not afraid of Peter, but I'll never forget the night he, Drew, and Al held me over the chasm. I know what he's capable of, and I can't ever let my guard down.
I'm just a few feet away from our door now, and wicked thought flashes through my mind.
"Four and I are going to chill for a while before we leave for the ceremony." Peter's eyes dart toward my hand on the door, and the empty hallway. "You want to come in and say hi?"
The muscles in his jaw lock, and he glares for a moment before turning on his heel and walking away. Tobias isn't even off work yet, but the threat of him looms large.
I dig in my pocket for the key and unlock the door.
Living together for nearly a year now – our place has adapted into a perfect mixture of order and mess. All of his books are stacked neatly on shelves and my weapons are always placed particularly, but both of our clothes litter the floor and the bed is rarely made. Abnegation holds firm rules about cleanliness and those habits are hard to shake, but neither of us are the type to be compulsive about such trivial things.
I turn the key in my hand a few times before placing it on the corner of his desk. I run my fingertips against the grain of the wood as I walk to his closet to steal one of his sweaters. Tobias is naturally hot-blooded and keeps the apartment like a freezer, which drives me to the brink. He'll laugh when I complain and smother me with blankets just to shut me up. I gaze at the selection for a moment before grabbing one of the thick sweatshirts he rarely reaches for. It's twice the size I normally wear - large enough to expose the tattoos on my collarbone, but I like the bagginess and the way it smells like him. I toe off my boots and jump on the bed, pulling my favorite blanket up to my chin. The apartment is quiet, the only sound coming from my rustling beneath the covers, and the near-silence allows me to zone out completely. I roll on my side and curl my legs to my chest, nuzzling my face into his pillow.
Some time later - the heavy lock clicks and the door opens suddenly. Tobias enters, clad in black and wearing a scowl until his eyes land on me. I watch the tension melt away from his face and recede from his eyes as walks toward me. He throws his keys with precision to his desk and drops his jacket to the floor before jumping on the bed next to me. His arm curls around my back as he pulls me to his chest.
He tilts my head up and presses a firm, lingering kiss to my lips. It's several moments before he pulls away. I tuck my face into the side of his neck and relish in the warmth. His chest rises and falls in time with mine.
"How was work?" I ask, my voice is a sharp contrast to the quiet.
"Watching the factionless sitting on their asses, and typing in codes is really nothing but excitement." He replies sarcastically. His voice is flat and deep - tired.
Tobias shifts, kisses me again, and rolls me to my back. One of his thighs slides between my own, and he drops to his forearms, hovering.
"I can't stay long." I gasp as his lips move across my jaw and down my neck. "I have to go to the ceremony."
I regret saying anything when he stops moving his lips, and looks at me with an expression much like disappointment.
"I don't think you should go," he murmurs quietly.
"Why?"
"Your parents. You don't need to put yourself through the pain of seeing them. It's useless," he replies, though not unkindly.
I can't be angry because I've thought of this myself. I don't know what I'll do if I see them. I don't know what they will do if they see me. There's a part of me that thinks I'd be unrecognizable to them, and an even stronger part that fears they would be ashamed of the person I've become.
"I know, but I still feel like I need to be there."
"You don't."
He slides his hand from my lower back, up to the base of my skull. Holding my head, but doing no more.
I kiss his neck, but he remains still. I pull his hand from behind my head and bring his palm, rough and calloused, to my lips - kissing there too. Tobias's forehead drops to my collarbone and his breath is hot against my chest.
"Will you still be here after?"
"No." He mumbles against my skin. "If you're going, I'm coming with you."
"What?"
"You heard me."
He leans back on his knees and pulls me into a sitting position.
Tobias moves to get off the bed, but I prevent it by taking his face in my hands.
"Don't do this. Please. I'll stay here if it means that much to you. We don't have to go anywhere."
He kisses me. No doubt a distraction, but it doesn't work. If he goes to the ceremony - I will feel guilty for the rest of my life for putting him through the pain of seeing Marcus.
I push him away.
"You know I love you," I implore, looking deep into his eyes. "Don't torture yourself just to teach me a lesson."
He kisses me again and moves to the edge of the bed - plucking my boots from the floor and tossing them to me. I pull them on slowly.
"I don't want to see him, but I really have to go." Tobias says, finally.
"Why?"
He looks at me as if the answer should be obvious.
"You need me to. If you see your parents or your brother, it'll be impossible not to react. I can help you with that." He looks away, deep in thought. "I'll give you my strength, and you'll give me yours."
I love him. I love him so completely it's like he's a part of me. He's like a limb or a vital organ. He's my heart.
I lean my head on his shoulder and the muscles and bones there dig into my cheek.
"I won't be able to talk to them at all?" My voice sounds quiet, foreign to my own ears.
"Faction before blood." Tobias replies without hesitation. "Always."
I squeeze his rigid arm and stand. We're silent as he slips his jacket on and I tie my hair back.
When we reach the outside of the compound, we have to sprint to catch up with the train. He reaches it first and hooks an arm around my waist - pulling me into the car with him. Some traditions never die.
The car is packed, countless members are crammed together. Even the smallest movements cause a great wave of shoving and pulling for balance.
Tobias takes my hand, guiding us to stand next to the furthest door. I barely swallow a smile. He always gives himself a way out, even without realizing it.
I hear the loud wail of Christina's laugh before I see her.
"Chris! Over here!"
She and Will weave their way through the mass of people to stand in front of us.
"Please tell me you're as nervous as I am!" She begs.
"Definitely," I reply. "I can't believe it's been a year. It feels like our own initiation just ended."
Will agrees with a familiar smirk.
"A year ago today I was an Erudite prodigy, and now I'm an official member of the Dauntless insanity."
"It's better than being a Stiff, right?" I tease.
"Or a Candor smart-mouth," Christina chimes in, playfully nudging Tobias's shoulder. He tries and fails to hide a grin.
"Well it's agreed then," Will laughs, wrapping an affectionate arm around her shoulders. "I was the greatest before we transferred and I'm still the greatest with my unequaled talents and devilishly handsome looks."
Christina elbows him in the stomach, and Tobias and I laugh as he doubles over. I feel the nerves fading away and excitement settling in.
"It must be nice getting out of the Weapons Lab though, right Tris?" Will asks and I shrug my shoulders.
I love the Weapons Lab. I love my job there, but it is nice to be around so many people after being by myself most of the day.
"We're here." Tobias says as he gazes out the window.
Upon his announcement everyone in the car shoves toward the back. The door slides open and I take Tobias's hand in mine. In a flurry of movement we break into a run across the grated metal floor and dive toward the grass. My feet hit the ground only a few heartbeats after his. Even with the rush of motion, we find our balance by holding onto each other.
Safely on the grass, we're steady. Groups jump behind us, forming a great, rebellious sea of black. Will and Christina land next to us, laughing hysterically and rolling into clumsy somersaults.
Ahead I can see the clear lines and divisions of the other factions, all members separated on the pavement. Almost every Candor is turned toward us, their blunt faces open with expressions of admiration. The Amity pay us no mind - too focused on their smiling and hugging. The Erudite look at us with the same curious expressions that seem to always be on their faces. I can't help but to search the crowd of blue for the familiar face of my brother, but I can't find him. I convince myself that it's for the best. The Abnegation look at us with as much disapproval as is appropriate.
I'm still unused to being on the receiving end of these looks.
The Dauntless erupt in shouts of excitement and adrenaline as we race toward The Hub.
Tobias puts his heavy arm around my shoulders, but the contact isn't enough. I need more. I spin so we're face to face and he's guiding me - preventing my backward steps from going awry. We're laughing even though our voices are jagged and lungs are desperate for breath. I jump and wrap my legs around his waist, my arms around his neck. My face is so close, I can't stop myself from kissing him. The kisses are short and sweet and perfect.
"Break it up you two, good lord." Shauna gags to the right of us, and everyone starts laughing.
I unwind my legs from his torso and he sets me gently on my feet. Tobias turns me so that my back is flush against his chest, and his arms form a strong lock around my torso. His breath is hot against my ear, and the scent of him fills my lungs.
We aren't a couple who shows affection easily in public, but today is different.
There are only a few blocks left to the entrance of the building when I see them.
A flash of grey in the corner of my eye, and I stop dead in my tracks. I smell the familiar scent I bonded with as a baby: clean soap and natural warmth. My mother and father.
Andrew Prior
A group of tattooed and pierced Dauntless elbow their way through my fellow Abnegation members. One of them shoves Natalie with so much force, her hand slips from its place on my forearm.
She doesn't react, just politely bows her head and steps to the side. I grit my teeth and slow my pace - allowing them and our peers to pass. Natalie loops her arm through mine and tries to pull me forward, but I can't continue.
"Honey, what is it?"
"Beatrice is one of them." I reply shortly, my tongue nearly choking on the words. "Our daughter is one of them, and our son is an Erudite. Did you read that new article about the food stores?"
"I did."
"It listed Caleb Prior as a contributor. Our son, our only boy. He is playing into all of their lies!"
"Keep your voice down, Andrew." Natalie says softly, and motions with her eyes toward a group of men in blue suits. "It isn't safe - not here."
I nod and pinch the space between my brows.
"Do you think he honestly believes it?"
"He doesn't have a choice."
She looks at me then, barely holding in tears.
"Do you remember how he was as a baby? He was always so curious. I remember him asking a million questions a day about every little thing. Then he started growing up, and he seemed to grow out of most of it. I think I convinced myself that him leaving was never a possibility. He was always such a good fit for Abnegation. I'm still shocked, but the pieces seem to be coming together."
I take her hand in mine and squeeze.
"Both of our children, away from home in places they don't belong. God, Beatrice …" I can't even find the words. I feel the internal twists of pain and worry that flare every time I think of our daughter.
Natalie smiles and I see nothing short of pride in her watery eyes. She used to be just as hurt as I was the day we lost our children, but her pain has adapted into something else while mine remains ever-present.
"No," She says warmly. "I always knew with Beatrice - how restless she was. She loved us and her brother, but Abnegation was never her home. I knew she would leave. I felt it deep in my heart, but I never knew where she would go. I should've guessed Dauntless."
The distant, longing expression on her face only fuels my anger.
"I don't understand how you can say that. I don't understand how you can be happy that our daughter is in danger. I understand your affection for Dauntless, just as you understand mine for Erudite - but neither of them are the homes we used to know. The Erudite are liars and masters of manipulation and they have our son. The Dauntless are animals, reckless to the point of self-destruction, and they have our daughter. They beat the living hell out of each other for sport, and one of them washes up dead in that chasm every other day. Our daughter is stuck in that anarchy and you think it's the only place for her? Her place was at home, with us."
"She's so strong, Andrew." Natalie counters firmly. "She's stronger than I ever was. You should have gone with me on Visiting Day ... Maybe then you would be able to see her as the young woman she's grown into rather than the sweet little girl who clung to your pant legs."
"I won't apologize for not wanting to see her battered and bruised. That's not the way I want to remember our daughter."
Natalie closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, the same trick she's always used to calm down.
"I don't want to fight." She says so quietly I almost miss it. "This day is hard enough to get through without arguing."
"We shouldn't have come. It's still too soon."
Natalie nods and looks toward the train where another group of Dauntless are jumping. I feel guilty about what I said ... for all I've said in the last year. I hate myself for hurting her, even unintentionally. Losing our children has rendered me incapable of controlling my grief.
I need to try harder. Natalie deserves my kindness and understanding more than anyone.
"Andrew," Natalie gasps and I look to her.
Her eyes are still focused on the Dauntless, but much more intently than before.
"What is it?"
She raises her arm, pointing.
I'm confused. The stampede of them is too thick to pinpoint anything clearly, but then I hear it. As clear as a bell, Beatrice's laughter rings in the air. The loud, beautiful, luxurious laugh I used to scold her for because it drew too much attention to herself. Her laughter leads me to her.
She's dressed all in black. The shirt she wears is too big, nearly swallowing her completely. She was always such a tiny thing, but through her clothes I can see sharp definitions of muscle the girl I used to know never had. Her blonde hair is casually pulled back, but the wind has blown several pieces forward so that they frame her face. That beautiful face is bright with joy, and I realize with no shortage of sadness that I've never seen her with such an expression.
On the exposed skin of her chest are dark, black marks. They are surely tattoos, but I am too far away to distinguish what they are. My daughter has tattoos?
There is an air of confidence around her that all the Dauntless seem to have.
She is undeniably beautiful, and yet I barely recognize her.
Beatrice's image blurs as a group forms around her. A tall dark-skinned girl with a bright smile is holding hands with a friendly-faced blonde boy. The girl and Beatrice smile at each other and the exchange makes me think they are friends. Their laughter blends together as they playfully shove at one another. Closest to Beatrice is a tall, muscular man with an intimidating look and dark brown hair. His skin is olive toned, his eyes are deep set and a hard, dark blue. There is no air between him and Beatrice ... no distance. In just one look I can see what they are.
He drapes an arm across her shoulders and pulls her into a kiss. They break apart for only a second, before she swirls around to face him and kisses him again wrapping her legs around his waist. I tense at the sight and Natalie goes rigid beside me. Public affection is strictly prohibited in Abnegation and I have always lived by those principles, but this display involves our daughter. Our seventeen year old daughter.
Beatrice unwraps her legs from him, but he keeps her there in his arms. He smiles at her and I can tell that he isn't the kind to smile often- which isn't a surprise because he never smiled as a boy either.
"I met him on Visiting Day." Natalie says, clearly in shock. "That was her instructor. He said his name was Four. He looks familiar, doesn't he?"
"That's Marcus's son. That's Tobias Eaton."
"Of course," Natalie breathes, wide-eyed. "The boy defected to Dauntless. I should've known."
I try to pose my next question as carefully as I can.
"Were they ... like that when you saw her?"
Natalie squeezes my arm.
"No. I could tell that there was something between them ... chemistry maybe. But they weren't that way then."
Beatrice and Tobias and their group continue running, they are about to pass us when Beatrice stops suddenly. She whirls around and Tobias follows her. She sees us.
Tris
"Hey Tris! Four! You guys okay?" Christina calls from ahead of us.
Will stops beside her, but the rest of the Dauntless continue to the entrance of The Hub.
"We're good!" Tobias replies, his arm still around my shoulders. "Just need some air. We'll be right in."
I can see the question and suspicion lingering in Will's eyes, but they accept the excuse and walk into the building.
Tobias leans in close to my face, his lips brushing my ear.
"Tris," he whispers urgently. "There are people everywhere and if the wrong person sees, it won't just be our necks on the line."
I turn toward him, cupping his face in my hands.
"I have to talk to them. Even just for a minute. Please."
His breath comes out in an anxious sigh, but he nods. His eyes harden as he takes my hand and pulls me forward - toward my parents.
Once we're within hearing range, Tobias looks at my father, but he never slows his pace.
"Follow us into that alley." He says quickly, pointing toward the dark space between the ruined buildings in front of us.
Several fears flash through my head - them wanting nothing to do with me, an Erudite spy watching us interact, a Dauntless patrol coming after us.
Tobias squeezes my hand tightly. I hear the clicking of my mother's shoes on the pavement behind us.
When we reach the cool shade of the alley, I feel some of the tightness in my chest dissipate.
I open my mouth to say something, but my mother pulls me into her arms before I can. I slip my hand from Tobias's to hold her just as tightly.
"Beatrice," she breathes into my hair. "Oh, my girl."
I close my eyes.
"I miss you." I whisper, the words barely carrying the weight I feel in my heart.
"Beatrice?" My father says softly.
I look over her shoulder, my father is right in front of me. I let go of my mother to fling myself into his arms.
He catches me soundly, his arms strong and familiar. He runs his hand over my hair, just like he used to do when I was little.
"Forgive me," he whispers, his cheek brushing mine, wet with tears.
"I never meant to-"
"I know, sweet girl," he squeezes tighter, swaying ever so slightly. "Don't apologize."
Before I can stop myself, I'm sobbing against his chest. His absolution releasing a great wave of guilt I hadn't realized I'd been carrying.
Andrew Prior
Beatrice weeps against me. From over her head, Tobias Eaton looks at her with confusion and helplessness. I can assume he's never seen her this way - it's a new experience for both of us.
His eyes, so like his father's, flip back toward the street where another group of Amity women skip toward the Hub.
"Tris." He says softly, as though not to startle her.
Beatrice jumps slightly, turning her face to him while keeping her head on my chest.
"I'm sorry," he says, he looking at me and then Natalie. "The longer we stay here, the more dangerous it gets for everyone."
He is right. I know he's right, but his statement infuriates me. I have just gotten my daughter back and he means to take her away again.
Beatrice's arms constrict around me once more before letting go, slipping out of my embrace completely. She walks backward until she's at Tobias's side. Their hands immediately join.
Natalie comes forward to loop her arm through mine.
Edited 1/1/2021