Chapter 21

It didn't take Kate and Caroline long to dress for the wedding and feeling the warmth of the sun through the window of their room they decided to make the most of it by exploring outside before the ceremony. On their way to the garden they peeked into the room being prepared for the reception and judged that there were placements for about forty guests, making them feel very honoured to have been included in the numbers. Their presence seemed to go unnoticed by the hotel staff who were energetically putting finishing touches to the flowers and table decorations. Once outside they were struck by how manicured everything was, despite it being so early in the year.

'I guess there must be a difference of at least a couple of weeks in the growing season between here and Harrogate. Oh Kate, isn't it good to be outside without needing a coat? This is an unexpected bonus.' Caroline turned her face to the sun as they stopped to sit on a rustic bench in the shelter of some hedging. Ordinarily she had to be careful as her skin burnt easily but a short exposure to the March sunshine wasn't going to cause any difficulty.

'It's making me want to go home and make a start on my garden!' Kate replied. 'There's hardly a blade of grass out of place here and I don't know how that can be.'

'Imagine the gardeners looking in on one of your lessons to see twenty-five or so well-behaved teenagers. No doubt they'd wonder how you do what you do. Come to that, between you and me, some of your colleagues are likely to be equally bewildered!'

'True! Thanks for the encouragement.' She moved closer to Caroline and they shared a chaste kiss.

Caroline was amazed at her own boldness and smiled as she squeezed Kate's hand. She'd begun to realise that it would be worth having some difficult conversations to avoid hiding in the future. Kate's understanding of her reticence was welcome, but she wondered how long that would be the case. Being invited to see two women become legally married had given her a vision of an attainable future, if only she was brave enough to try.

'That's nice to see. I'm pleased there's some romance in the air for my wedding!'

They turned to see the approach of an attractive, elegant woman with dark chestnut hair, which was topped by a fascinator to match her knee-length ivory lace dress. She swept Caroline in a hug before kissing her on both cheeks.

Meg kept one arm around Caroline's shoulders and leant over to give Kate the customary French greeting. 'I'm assuming you're Kate! I'm so pleased you could come.'

The width of her smile indicated that she really was pleased to see them. She explained that she had watched them go into the garden from her bedroom and determined to speak to them before the ceremony to satisfy herself that Caroline was fully recovered. Meg checked that the bench was clean before sitting next to her friend and was instantly intent on including Kate in the conversation.

'I really can't stop as we need to have a last-minute chat with the caterers, but as is my lot in life I won't be speaking much of my mother tongue today so a few minutes with you two is very welcome.'

'We met some English folk on the bus, of course. Are they the total from UK?' Caroline queried, hoping to find out if Meg's parents were there, without asking directly.

'Let me think who else is here that you might not have met yet. My cousin, Gail, and her husband. Two friends from my time at Unilever with their partners. They all came a couple of days ago. Oh, plus my mum and dad. Can't forget them.' She counted them off on her fingers as she spoke, showing off expertly applied nail polish.

'Does your daughter live here too? By the way, I was grateful for her help with this lightweight.' Kate joked, deliberately setting out to redirect the conversation back to Caz, however briefly. She sensed that Caroline was reluctant to do so, despite knowing that she was intrigued by her existence. Indeed, they both were.

'Well, it was only right that she should help as she told me that she was the cause of the shock in the first place! I'm so sorry that I forgot to say about her. Forewarn you, I suppose.' She looked directly at Caroline despite replying to Kate, although not answering the question.

'It was a shock and no mistake. It was if the clock was turned back a quarter of a century. She is SO like you were, way back when.'

'I wish! I think she's far prettier than I ever was but it's a mother's privilege to think that.' She paused, and Kate was just beginning to think she was after a compliment when she continued. 'I'm guessing you're wondering how she came about.'

'Am I that transparent?!' Caroline joked.

'I'm thinking that you won't have forgotten that I was always very anti-babies and children which would make anyone inquisitive. The thing is that it didn't take me long to realise I was putting on a front to cover for the fact that I thought I would never have any. It's funny how things work out. I came to France after she was born to introduce her to the family I'd worked for in my gap year and that's when I met Severine. My first and last relationships came about during trips here, so I guess I must have a weakness for French women! The fact is if I hadn't had a baby we may never have met. I always say that she won Severine's heart for me!'

'The second surprise was finding out that you called her Caroline.' Now that the subject had been raised Caroline herself had the courage to ask questions.

'Um. No long story there. When I found out I was pregnant I wanted a name that had some significance to me AND that I liked. Call that a weird choice, which is may have been, but I hadn't stayed hurt and why not? It wasn't that I was still heart-broken and needed a memorial. God, that would have been too hard a burden to give to a child! In many ways it was part of the healing to be able to say the name without any negative emotions. Plus, it suited her somehow. Not that she was called Caroline for long. Severine's parents struggled with the pronunciation, so when we moved here she became Caz.'

'Dare I ask about her father?' Kate again asking the question that she knew would be on Caroline's mind.

'Now, that is a slightly longer story and I definitely don't have time now. I'm sure I'll have time to tell you later. I'd better be off before Severine thinks I've got cold feet.'

Before they knew it, she was gone. Kate's brain was quick to pounce on what seemed to be inconsistencies in Meg's story, but she did not want to upset Caroline so decided to keep her own counsel. But she didn't need to be cautious as she wasn't the only one questioning the truth of Meg's explanation.

'Methinks the lady does protest too much, Kate.'

ooOoo

The ceremony was uninspiring, and it was a relief to be back at the hotel afterwards where Severine and Meg's personalities could be seen in the informality of the occasion. Although the dining room had been set immaculately, it proved to be a friendly, light-hearted celebration. Kate and Caroline sat with Meg's English friends and their partners which was a relief to Caroline, who had not spoken French since taking her 'O' level exams. Severine and Meg both gave speeches in a strange mix of French and English, partly translating their own words. It was patently obvious to all the guests that this was, indeed, a love between two women who could hardly believe their good fortune at being able to marry after so many years together. The food was excellently presented, with a taste to match, accompanied by wine from the newly married couple's vineyard.

With the tables being cleared and rearranged Kate and Caroline decided, with the others, to explore the gardens as the day had stayed dry and bright. They were the last to leave the table and were pleasantly surprised to see Meg and Severine heading towards them.

'Oh good, it looks as if we've just caught you before you stretch your legs. Caroline, Kate, I'd really like you to meet my wife! Goodness, it's so good to be able to say that!'

'It's lovely to be able to hear it!' Caroline smiled. 'Severine, it is so good to meet you. Congratulations. Thank you so much for inviting us to your wedding. It's been a truly lovely day.'

Finding a quiet part of the room the four women sat down to chat. Severine oozed French sophistication, her conversation was warm and engaging, and it wasn't long before the English couple were being swept up by the strength of her personality. However, some ten minutes into the conversation she surprised everyone by asking Kate, in a manner that was patently not used to hearing a refusal, if she would go with her to meet some other guests and leave Meg and Caroline to reminisce. So it was that the group divided and Caroline immediately took the opportunity to remind Meg that she had promised to talk about Caz's father.

'Oh yes. Malcolm. Despite what I said this morning it isn't really a long story, but I was reluctant to say too much because I wasn't quite sure what Kate knew about us, especially the reason why we parted.'

'We haven't been together very long, but it would have been fine to say whatever you had to say in front of her. I did wonder this morning if you rushed off to avoid the question.'

'No, not at all, apart from trying to protect you. As you know, after we split I went to pieces. Totally wrecked. Please, don't look so guilty, Caroline. I knew deep down that it devastated you as much as it did me, whatever your mother might have told me on the phone. As you know, my parents had been supportive when I'd told them about us, but not pleased, so although they struggled to see me so sad, I could tell that they were relieved. Although they were brilliant to start with and I couldn't have got through that time without them, mum used the situation to her advantage. More tactful than your mum but no less determined or effective. Goodness knows how you managed with overt bigotry but it's still powerful when dressed up as care and concern, I can assure you. By the way, how did you manage, Caroline?'

'I hid the pain. Had no choice. Mum didn't want to know and after the disaster of talking to her, there wasn't anyone else I dared talk to about how I felt and didn't, until I off-loaded to Kate. I wasn't going to risk further rejection.'

Meg touched Caroline's hand in a brief display of comfort before resuming her story.

'I can empathise with that. Your mum lit the touch paper, if you like, but my parents fanned the flame and like you, I didn't know who else to talk to. Dad had told me from the start that I needed to be prepared for the world not to understand and your mum's attitude proved his point, which he didn't hesitate to remind me. More than once. Then later mum started to drip-feed doubt and guilt. You know the stuff. She'd always wanted to be a grandmother and if I was with another woman I'd take that chance away from her and was I sure that I wanted to do that. There was the reminder about what they'd given up to support me through Uni. It went on and on, so it just became easier not to think about being with anyone.'

'Did you start to doubt yourself too?'

'Asking myself if I was a lesbian, I guess you mean. Yes, I asked but the answer was never in doubt.'

'But you still became pregnant?' Caroline's words were more statement than question.

'Um, I did. Quite simply, I decided that I wanted a baby. Not for my mum and her desire to become a grandmother but for me, to satisfy something in me. I had an excellent job with good prospects, but it wasn't enough, and I knew it wouldn't ever be. It is for some but not for me, not enough to fill the hole that you left in my life.'

'But this morning you said…'

'I know what I said, Caroline, but I could see from the look on Kate's face that she wasn't fooled. I wasn't sure about you. The truth is that when I set out to fall pregnant I was still grieving for you. Well, not for you, personally. More for what you and I were. For the closeness that we had, that I couldn't forget and thought I'd never feel again. A guy I worked with was keen on me, and we went out together for a while. He just wanted a fling, not commitment, and I used him as much as he used me. He freaked out big time when I told him I was pregnant until I managed to persuade him that I wasn't after his money or his future. That's it. I called her Caroline not as a memorial to you but more as a celebration. Maybe, too, as a little 'fuck-you' to the world as well as liking the name!'

'I bet your mum had something to say about your choice of name.' Caroline had always known that Meg had more spirit than she did, and the admission fitted what she knew of her determined nature.

'She was so besotted and thrilled at the seven-pound bundle of joy that she didn't comment. Mind you, that changed after I met Severine and we started to discuss the possibility of moving here. Then I probably did deserve to feel the guilt that she heaped on me. You can imagine how she felt about me taking her darling granddaughter to a foreign country to live with a lesbian.'

Meg looked through the patio doors and pointed out her mother and daughter laughing together, her father in full flow recounting an anecdote to anyone who would listen.

'It's all worked out though. It's easy to get here and they visited frequently and grew to love Severine. They didn't hesitate to move into one of the gites here when dad retired. It's made it a real family concern even though they're not officially on the payroll, and they love the climate. Of course, for them the best thing is that they can see Caz when she's not globetrotting with her mates, so all's well that ends well.'

Severine and Kate had re-joined them as Meg finished talking, as if on cue.

'They're just bringing the croquembouche, Meg, so we need to get over to the table to share it out,' Severine prompted.

'Coming! Don't really want to share it but I guess we must.' Meg joked as she stood and put her arm around her wife's waist. 'So, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, Caroline – and Kate, of course. Let's hope that your mum won't give Kate the tongue-lashing that she gave me. You could always have a baby to get her onside!'

As they walked away Kate gave Caroline a questioning look.

'I'll tell you later,' she whispered.