Chapter 28: Alone
My mother set the cup of tea down in front of me and smiled gently. She sat down next to me on the porch swing as I stared out my parent's back yard. I had been in Amity for the past month, recovering and avoiding Eric. I heard footsteps running through the house and winced slightly. Without a doubt, those footsteps belonged to my brother Jimmy. But there were moments when I was still afraid and every little noise of excitement made me skittish.
"Mom, mom," Jimmy shouted happily, "guess what?"
"You need to keep your voice down and don't run in the house. It's not good for me or the baby," my mother reminded him.
More like it wasn't good for your sister's mental state and now everyone has to tiptoe around her because they're scared she's going to break into a million pieces. I rolled my eyes, turning my head away from Jimmy and my mother.
"Benjamin and Madeline are coming over for dinner, too. Dad said that we're going to have a BBQ tonight!"
"I knew that we were having a BBQ but I didn't think your father had invited other people," mom appeared to be shocked but quickly put a smile on her face and turned towards me. "Isn't that nice, JoyAnna?"
"I guess."
"Dad said that Madeline found out if she's having a boy or a girl, like how you did too," Jimmy pointed to our mom's belly. "She wanted to tell JoyAnna."
"Great," I muttered, shaking my head. More people to feel sorry for me.
"JoyAnna, I thought Madeline was your friend," Jimmy came close and placed his hand on my knee.
"Don't touch me," I shouted.
Jimmy's hand shot back like he had been burned. His chin dipped to lay on his chest as he sniffed back the tears. "I'm sorry," he mumbled before running back into the house.
I closed my eyes and hated myself even more as I began to cry. No one had been able to touch me since the incident, not even my own brothers. And the look on my youngest brother's face made me feel like a bitch. I had never really been called one - perhaps by people who were heartless and malicious. But I knew that right now, I felt like a total itch with a capital and bold 'B' for yelling at Jimmy bean.
"He didn't deserve that," my mother said softly but there was a tone of disappointment with her.
"I know."
"And neither do Madeline and Benjamin."
"I don't know if I want to see people tonight."
"You haven't been seeing anyone since you came here!"
"You shouldn't be yelling, mom. Think about the baby."
"I am thinking about all of my babies and that includes you," she lightly hit my shoulder - though I know that deep down inside she desperately wanted to do more. "This dinner will be good for you. You've ignored people long enough."
"I'm just so sick of people doing things for me, treating me like I can't do anything for myself. It drives me crazy," I replied, feeling anxious about the BBQ. "Poor JoyAnna, she was kidnapped, she can't sleep at night, she looks so scared all the time and her life will never be the same. Let's treat her like a baby and put safety locks on all the doors with dangerous chemicals so she doesn't hurt herself."
"That's rude, JoyAnna!"
"But you know that it's true," I replied.
"What I do know is that you need people therapy right now, you need compassion, you need empathy and patience. Everyone is willing to give it to you," my mom touched my shoulder and I closed my eyes, reveling in the physical affection - no matter how short-lived it was. "Talk to me, JoyAnna. Is that how you've really been feeling?"
"Yes. No," I added quickly after before shaking my head. "I don't know."
"The doctor said that you are at that stage where you need to talk things out."
"I know."
After a week of sitting in my room, my father, grandfather and grandmother decided to get a therapist/counselor for me to talk to. My grandmother almost dragged me out of my room but in the end the doctor came to my house. Dr. Janet Edmonds came from Erudite and was paid to stay here for three months. She said that was something normal - especially when dealing with patients who experienced something traumatic in their life. I hated being labelled as a patient for the first three visits. Eventually she got me to come out of the room, then out of the house and finally to the cottage she was staying at near my grandparent's house.
"So, JoyAnna, how have you been this week," she asked me during one progressive session.
I smiled. "I ate dinner with my family. My brother Jordan sat next to me and we talked about the baseball game. The Dodgers are his favorite team."
"That's excellent," she commended.
"But I screamed bloody murder when he reached over and pinched me." She lifted an eyebrow at my statement. "I was teasing him about something, like how we would normally do. And in response he," I stopped and shook my head. "He was just being a brother. We were kidding around and I acted like he stabbed me with a knife. Maybe I should have just let him..."
"No," she waved her hand. "Don't force yourself to do something that still makes you feel haunted."
"I thought I needed to start putting myself into uncomfortable situations?"
"Yes, but not to the point where it manifests the memories and triggers the feelings that you felt of that day," she clarified. "Take your time, pace yourself - even with your family. If too much is too much, then take a step back."
"I just got them back though," I protested. "Do you know how freeing it was to speak to Jordan about something trivial as baseball? I don't even like the sport. But it felt like, I don't know how to describe it."
"You said it was freeing," she noted.
I nodded in agreement.
"That's what I want you to work towards, JoyAnna. You'll soon realize the things that you miss, the things you want. But you need to be the one to get things back to normal. You want and crave interaction with people. It's in your character. I'm not surprised that you joked around with one of your brothers. You just haven't gotten to the physical aspect yet and that's okay."
"But it's been two weeks already. And I wasn't even raped," I protested. "This is my brother and..."
She waved her hand. "You went through a traumatic experience, witnessed the death of your friend, was kidnapped, tortured and touched inappropriately. That does something to the mind, to the heart. And I know that you don't want to admit it but you are displaying signs of PTSD." She always said things bluntly and I was glad that she did. "Nothing is wrong with that," she put up her hand and smiled to reassure me.
"I've gone mental," I mumbled.
"No," she shook her head. "You have not. This just means that we have more things to discuss."
In a way Dr. Edmonds reminded me of my grandmother and I found that I loved talking to her about my feelings - which I had protested to at first. But she was patient and understanding - obviously since she's been doing it for years. Recently we ventured into town and that is when she suggested that I should start to associate with people outside my family. I had begun writing my feelings and thoughts down in a journal - another suggestion by the good doctor.
"In addition to journal writing, I feel you should speak to more people. That will be your next assignment," Dr. Edmonds stated. "Invite a family over or a recently married couple - other than your brother Jack and his wife - for dinner."
"Why a family or couple," I questioned.
"Have you talked to your fiance recently?"
"No," I shook my head.
"Then you'll understand when you have that dinner."
I never did get around to that assignment and it appears that my father had taken it upon himself to invite Benjamin and Madeline over. Madeline was due in a month or two and a part of me was surprised at how angry I felt about that.
"Then tell me, my little princess," my mother whispered and I couldn't help but open up at the childhood pet name she'd call me when I was six and I had got the chicken pox. I remembered no one could touch me then but my mother did. She hadn't acted like I had some damn disease.
"I don't want people to pity me anymore but I still feel devastated and broken. Like all my dreams are gone."
Madeline was married and having a child! I couldn't even stand to be touched - not even by my youngest brother who did nothing wrong or by Jordan who I was just playing around with.
"They're not gone, Wildflower," she grabbed my shoulders and pulled me closer for a hug. I gasped loudly at the amount of warmth that this little gesture had poured onto me. I buried my head in my mother's shoulder and hung onto her for dear life. This is what I'd been missing these past couple weeks - human contact, someone else that would physical hold me together. "Now you have new dreams."
"I," I wiped my head back and forth, wiping away my tears. "What if I can't be fixed?"
"There's nothing to fix, do you hear me," she pushed me back. "You are the strongest, bravest person that I know JoyAnna. You are not broken, just slightly bent," she touched my cheek. "And I know that you're not going to let this get you down. Things will smooth themselves out, it just takes time."
"What if it's too much? What if..."
"You're not going to give up that easily, are you my baby," she teased lightly. "No," she answered for me, "you're not going to. I won't let you."
I stayed in my mother's arms as she rocked me gently in her arms. "I still feel so alone."
"You're not. We can't understand what you're going through but we can be there with you every step of the way, you hear?"
"Thanks mom," I whispered, burying my head in her embrace.
"Eric called again."
Thinking about the last time I saw Eric, I lifted my hands to cover my face and slow tears turned to a torrential downpour. I asked my mother to leave me alone and she reluctantly got up.
"Will you give him a call, please," she said from the doorway. "He misses you."
I had woke up in the hospital - two days after I had been rescued. My head hurt. My neck was stiff and my throat felt as if nails in them. Shaking my head, I turned to the side and spotted Blossom - one of the five people who were present in the room.
"Bloss?"
"Oh my God, she's awake," I heard Dillon's voice, along with Peter's.
Figures rushed to my bedside and I closed my eyes, trying to distinguish between who was there and who wasn't. People were asking what I needed, what I wanted.
"Is it over? I just want to know if it's over," I asked.
Blossom informed me that Tobias had been the one to carry me out from the room and to the ambulance. She went on to say that David Carmichael had been suspended when Eric contacted her after my kidnap. There was a phone call from Carmichael to Marcus which was enough for her to press for her superiors to open an investigation.
"We still haven't located everyone in the Banner family but the ones that we have will not get away," she patted my arm. "I'm just sorry that it took me so long to organize this entire operation."
"What do you mean by you haven't located everyone? Cain got away?"
"Cain is intensive care. Last I heard is that he's going to make it," she stated as I heard my other cousins curse.
"What happened to him?"
"You don't remember," asked Blossom. She didn't give me a chance to respond as she continued to explain. "When Eric and Jess entered the room, they said that Cain was, well he was..."
"He was on top of me," I closed my eyes and tried not to recall the feeling of his arm against my throat as I blacked out.
"I was told that Eric beat the crap out of Cain. He would have murdered Cain if Jess didn't pull him away. I got in there and was able to arrest him. Although, we need to wait for him to wake up to read him his rights." There was a slight paused before Blossom sighed. "They're charging Beth with fraud, extortion, bribery and wildlife smuggling. Cecilia Banner is being held on the charges of embezzlement for now."
"Why only so little?"
"Because old Mrs. Banner took off. We don't know where she is or what sort of assets she has. The FBI and the ATF are hoping to reduce Cecilia's punishment if she cooperates with us in locating Mrs. Banner. Do you remember Don," she asked.
"From high school?"
Blossom nodded. "He works for the DEA. He was operating undercover." I gasped at the realization and she smiled lightly.
"How odd that your high school ex-boyfriend went to work for the government the same as you," I teased as she shook her head and smiled.
"Don went in as just a small runner for the Banners. He was trying to work his way to the top to infiltrate Thomas and whoever else was at the head of the organization. But he blew his cover when he saw you. He begun to transmit emails, messages and other coded information to the right sources - anything he could get his hands on. Unfortunately David Carmichael still had a couple others working for him and they alerted old Mrs. Banner who went into hiding."
"Is she the only one hiding?"
"Jeanine Matthews is at her 'out of the country' villa. We're working on expediting her and her sister."
"Marcus?"
There was a small moment of silence and I opened up my eyes to see Blossom with a serious expression. "He was released just this morning. He's under house arrest but believe me, we'll get him. He doesn't have a case."
"He's still going to fight it?"
"They're laying evidence upon evidence onto this case. Just because we found him in the Banner's estate, doesn't mean that he was doing anything criminal. We couldn't find any criminal activity at any of his properties either. The bastard cleans up pretty well. And what's shitty about all of this is that your testimony isn't allowed. In fact," she sighed and looked thoughtfully away at someone.
I turned my head as well and saw my brother Jonathan standing there along with Blossom's mother. I smiled at Jonathan who replied the same but the look on my Aunt's face made me a bit frightened.
"I'll be representing you, JoyAnna."
"Thank you, Aunt Annabella," I said to her, "but I don't understand what I would need..."
"They're pushing the case back on some bogus information that Marcus is concocting. His lawyer is good and a bit of a sleaze but believe me, we'll take him to court for however long this takes," my Aunt finished.
"However long," I repeated.
Blossom nodded. "Marcus is hoping to drag this out for a long time. He has the money and resources to do so. In fact, his arraignment isn't scheduled for another two weeks. His preliminary hearing is going to take longer than that," she shook her head. "Like I said, he has the money. His trial could go on forever."
"There's something you're not telling me."
Blossom looked to her mother and she nodded, a signal that I knew mean that my Aunt would explain it to me.
"The FBI and ATF want him on federal charges. They don't care about your kidnapping or the murder of your friend, Myra."
"What," I exclaimed, almost sitting up until Blossom placed a hand on my shoulder. "They're treating this like I or Myra don't matter at all!" I closed my eyes and let my head sink into my pillow. "What about Hec? What about him? Where is he? Is he..."
"We just sent him home - to his parent's," Blossom added the last part. Both she and I glanced at one another and I knew what she meant - our home, my apartment I shared with Hec, would never be the same. "He was fine. A couple bruises here and there but they hadn't touched him. They roughed him up a little and locked him away. I think their main concern was you. And when we broke into their compound, they forgot about him. He was waiting here in your room ever since they checked him out and deemed him good to go, until we sent him home," she tilted her head back and forth. "He needed his rest."
I let out a sigh. "Where is Eric?"
"I'm here."
My head turned to see Eric and Jess standing in the door. Jess looked like she had been crying all night. She sniffed and walked inside slowly. I noticed that my brother took her hand in his briefly - a comforting gesture I suppose - before they smiled lightly at one another. Jess touched my brother's cheek before hurrying over to my side.
"Do you need anything?"
"Water," I managed to sit up. Eric stood there - looking both pissed off and relieved. I quickly glanced away when I saw that Jess handed me a cup with a straw sticking out of the top. She helped ease me higher so I could drink and I felt my muscles protest. After taking a few sips, I nodded my head and she slowly returned me back to my laying position. "Thank you, Jess. How are you?"
"Me," Jess scoffed as tears pricked her eyes. "I'm fine. We're all fine. We're just worried about you. How's the pain?"
"On a scale of one to ten," I began as I leaned further back into the pillow, "a twenty."
"I'm sure it's not that horrible," my brother said jokingly with a crooked smile.
"It's probably not," I smiled at him. "I'm just hoping to get some of mom's cookies off of you."
He chuckled and shook his head. "You always were able to steal some of our sweets from under our nose."
"Did you call Mom and Dad?"
"Dad wanted to fly out here but since I was already at the airport, heading to Erudite, I decided to hop on a plane and head down here to Dauntless instead. I figured I call them once you woke up," he said. "I'll let mom know that you want some cookies," he shrugged his shoulder and smiled. He was definitely back to the older brother I remember. But when he approached closer I turned and looked away. There was nothing wrong about his presence. I actually enjoyed that my oldest brother was here but something just felt off.
I felt his lips press against my forehead and a multitude of harsh memories hit me like a ton of bricks. "Get off of me," I blurted out and shook my head.
"Ana, Ana," Jess reached out to my arm that had begun failing around. "It's okay."
"Please just don't touch me right now," I protested, pushing her away too.
I felt like I couldn't breath. My arms were being held above my face and though I tried to keep the groping hands with disgusting fingers away nothing was working. There was a heavy weight that kept me in place or pushed against me. I could thrash and protest all I want but no one would hear me. They'd only laugh and jeer and continue to put their hands on my body. But that wasn't true. I was in a hospital bed surrounded by my family and friends.
"I thought you said she wasn't raped," Jonathan snarled.
My eyes shot open then to see my brother's furious stance.
"She wasn't. They even did a rape kit on her when she first came in, just to be sure. Eric and Jess got there in time," Blossom assured him.
"Then why..."
"Because he still touched me, they all did," I interrupted my brother's question. Jonathan turned back to me and looked defeated. He glanced over my body and raised his hand. I'm sure it was to comfort me but I saw other men leering at me, groping me. I shook my head profusely.
"JoyAnna, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to..."
I held up my hand to cut him off.
"Perhaps we should wait outside," my Aunt ushered her son, her daughter and her two nephews out. But one of those nephews looked reluctant to leave and I knew who it was.
"JoyAnna, are you really sending me out," he asked, a torn expression on his face. "I'm your brother. I wouldn't... I mean I know the past year I was harsh to you. But during these last couple months, I thought that..." Jonathan paused and I saw Jess tugging on his arm.
"We'll let her talk to Eric," Jess suggested.
I wasn't sure why but now there was a small piece of awkwardness in the air and a nervous tightening in my gut. I was going to be alone in a room with a guy. Quickly, I mentally slapped myself. That guy was Eric - my boyfriend, I wanted to yell. Hell, he's my fiance and here I am getting all worked up about being alone with him.
Eric's eyes turned to something on the side of me and I wondered for a moment just what he was looking at. I shakily moved my hand - causing a surge of pain to shoot through the side of my body. Slowly I put my hand back down and sighed.
"I know you've probably been asked this before but I need to know how you're feeling," Eric asked as he sat down slowly at my side. "Are you in pain? Do you need anything? More water? Food perhaps," he continued to ask, the concern pouring over his face. His mask of anger and indifference was slowly passing and I could tell that he was trying his damn hardest not to yell.
"I just want this to be over," I closed my eyes.
I didn't know why I felt nervous, awkward and most importantly 'off' about Eric being so close. I hated that I felt so weird. He should be the last person in the world that I felt weird with - especially after everything that we've been through. Suddenly I felt exposed and naked, as though he could see my body. It was like a part of me had been ripped apart and not put back together yet. I wanted so badly for Eric to reach out and touch me - remembering that I was desperate for him just a couple days ago, the last I was awake and conscious.
"I can ask the doctor when you can go home," Eric offered.
"I'd like that," I replied, "to go home."
I felt Eric move and turned to see him, feeling awkward again. "I'll have things set up at the house then. Jess is staying there, along with your cousin Bloss so they can keep you company too on days when..."
"I meant Amity."
"Amity," Eric repeated, furrowing his brow.
I closed my eyes and nodded. "I want to go home to Amity. I don't want to go back to my apartment or..."
"I was never taking you back there again, Ana. I meant to the house, my father's house, my house, your house," he explained, "the one that became ours."
"I want to go home to Amity," I said again.
"Okay, okay," he agreed as he sat back down. My eyes fluttered open to see him reaching out to touch me. But I didn't see his face. All I saw was a hand and so many hands had grabbed at me just a couple days ago that I flinched. Eric pulled back immediately and I saw the hurt that was on his face. "I'll get a flight ready for the two of us to leave tonight, if possible. I'll let my job know that I need a couple days off."
"Why are you taking off?"
"To see that you get situated in Amity," he answered as if that was the most obvious reason.
I shook my head slowly, trying my best to ignore the slight tension it caused on my body. "I want to be alone."
Eric definitely looked hurt. He stood up and began pacing the room. I tried to follow him with my eyes but I couldn't. "Ana, I love you," he said, stopping suddenly in front of the foot of the bed, "you know I'll never do anything to hurt you."
"I know."
"Then why..."
"I just feel weird."
"I'm making you feel weird," he questioned, his face twisting in both anger and grief. "Ana..."
"There's no easy way to explain this Eric. But I feel like there's something off."
"And it's because of me?"
"I don't know. I'm nervous, weird and a whole bunch of other emotions right now. I'm scared. I just want to go home."
"Home is with me. Ana, we're getting married!"
"We are, but..."
"But," Eric shouted, "why is there a but, Ana?"
"Look, I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in Dauntless anymore. I just want to go somewhere quiet and safe."
"Then I'll take you there."
"Eric, I..."
"Or is it me? Is it because I came this close," he held up his two fingers - less than an inch apart, "to murdering Cain for attacking you, for taking you away from me, for making you feel like shit? Am I monster now for wanting to protect the woman that I love? You said you had no problem with..."
"And I don't," I shouted, my throat burning at the action of my voice doing more than it could possibly handle. "It's not you Eric, it's me!"
"Oh great," he threw his hands in the arm, "the whole 'it's me, not you' speech that everyone gets before a break-up!"
"Who said anything about breaking up," I questioned. "I just want to go home, Eric. I feel..."
Eric held up his hand. "Don't say that you feel weird or nervous anymore. I get it. You need to get away from me," he snarled.
"No, you don't get it. It's not you, Eric." I pushed myself to sit up and felt the world tip over. I blinked my eyes and tried to ignore the pain. "Cain did things, said things. He let other men do and say things that made me uncomfortable, made me sick, made me angry. I don't feel right. And I just think that I need to go back home."
"Without me," he questioned.
Tears started to brim my eyes.
"Ana, I lost you. I lost you," he said as I sniffed and looked away. "Why are you running from me again?"
"Eric," Jess came back into the room and touched her brother's shoulder. "I heard some shouting. Eric, why don't you go outside and cool down for a minute?"
"She wants to go home, Jess!"
"Okay, then we'll take her home," Jess responded.
"To Amity, without me," Eric supplied as Jess appeared to be taken aback as well.
She glanced at me and then back at Eric before sighing. "If that's what she wants Eric, then perhaps that is the best thing to do for right now." Eric cursed and shook his head, disagreeing with that answer. "It's still early, Eric. And expecting to just pick up where the two of you left off isn't realistic. She needs time. You need time, too. Maybe the two of you should take some time to step back and look at things."
"Fuck," Eric turned away from her and marched towards my bed. My heart started to beat faster than it ever did. I was actually in fear of Eric at that moment. He reached for my hand, ignoring the way that I flinched. He held it for a while before slowly lifting it to his mouth and kissed the back of it tenderly. "I know that things are different now, Ana. You're right. Jess is right. We both need time to mull things over. Just know that I love you more than anything in the world and that I'd do anything to make you happy, go anywhere to be with you and stop anyone from harming you ever again. I love you, JoyAnna Summers. I love you with everything in me."
All I could do was nod. Defeated, Eric left the room and that was the last time that I saw him.
Putting my arms around myself, I realized that all I wanted was to feel like myself - like the Ana that he fell in love with. But as I sat down out on my parent's porch, I knew that things weren't the same. I'd never be the same.
"JoyAnna," my father knocked on the side of the house, behind me.
I gasped, wiping my tears away and turned to give him a smile. "Dad," I nodded.
His smile dropped slightly and he looked away. I guess I didn't fool him. There was no fooling anyone these days.
"I invited the Rossi's and the Carr's over," he said. "Sheriff Rossi has been working extra hard lately."
Securing the town - or the county in this case - to protect Amity's golden girl, was the sentence that my father left out. I knew about the additional deputies that had been patrolling our neighborhood recently. I also knew about the FBI agents who had also been watching the town. Old Mrs. Banner still wasn't found and they feared retaliation. Jeanine Matthews was still out of country. Marcus Eaton was under house arrest but he was still living the high life. Who knew what men they could hire to finish the job?
"Both Sheriff Rossi's wife and Madeline's mother are making some of your mother's favorite dishes," my father added, "Cajun shrimp pasta and that Italian pudding thing."
"Two things that mom is not supposed to have, seafood and coffee."
My dad chuckled and came to sit down by me. "Your mother is stubborn. She will argue that it's the baby that wants it. And in reality she's ate her fair share of 'wrong foods' during each and every pregnancy. I should say that I'm not okay with it but," he shifted his head back and forth in uncertainty.
There was a small moment of uncomfortable silence as he sat there next to me. It was probably the first time that he had since I had arrived back home, a month ago. I sighed and felt my shoulders slump. I could tell my father anything and here I was, feeling awkward in front of him as though I had broke into his truck, took it for a ride and crashed it into a mud bank - which by the way was Jordan trying to impress Missy Cooper when he was fifteen.
"You know sometimes a person says that they're okay with something being a certain way when in reality they wish that something was different."
I turned slowly towards my dad. "I've never known you to talk in riddles, Dad."
Perhaps I came off sassier than I thought I could be - especially to my father - but he didn't come on the attitude. "What I'm trying to say is that you're not the only one affected by this."
"Are you talking about my yelling at Jimmy bean?"
"I'm talking about everyone, JoyAnna," he turned to look at me. "All of your brothers, your cousins, your grandparents, your mother and I," he listed. "Then there's also a young man out there that's wondering how you are, concerned about your well-being and desperately wanting to see you, speak to you, hold you and love you."
"I want to see him, too," I whimpered.
Carefully, I felt my father's arms around me, hugging me to him. This time I didn't flinch, I didn't cower. Instead I threw my arms around his neck, holding on for dear life. It took both of us by surprise. I felt my father gently squeeze my body reassuringly and that's all it took for me to break down in tears again. I felt like I had taken a part of myself back when my father pressed a kiss into my hair. He whispered that he wouldn't let me fall again, that he'd be there for me in any way possible. And I knew that was true. I remembered something that I wanted to tell Dr. Edmonds last week during one of my sessions and decided to spill it all to my Dad.
"He made me feel worthless and unloved, like I was something disposable."
"Eric," my father questioned, pulling back a little to look at my face.
I shook my head. "Cain," I replied.
"What did he say to you," he asked warily.
Taking a deep breath, I answered. "He said that the only reason why they chose me is because of the land and business that I'll inherit. He said that majority of Amity is owned by Pops and Gamma. And when they pass, well," I looked down. "I'll inherit a good portion of everything. Is that true?"
"Is it," he nodded, though he looked reluctant to answer.
"That's the only reason why he agreed to marry me. He never truly cared about me, maybe a little to the point where I would be like some shiny toy for him. But he didn't care about me as a person, as his future wife, as a friend."
"Then that is his loss," my father insisted. "Men will do horrible things, unimaginable things when they allow greed and revenge to consume them."
"Why wasn't I told?"
"Your grandmother planned to tell you. But then you moved and," he shrugged in response. "When she met Eric and you got engaged, she was hoping to bring it up again."
I scoffed. "Cain said if he could get me pregnant then that would be perfect because my child would get everything. Now I know why he wanted to wait until we were married to have children. Because any child he got me pregnant with would be a Banner," I supplied. "I was nothing but a broodmare for the taking."
"You are not worthless, JoyAnna. You are worth much more than the money, property or foundations that you inherit. You are my daughter, my one and only daughter. You have a spirit inside of you that cannot die, your mother won't let it. I won't let it."
"He allowed his men to touch me," I began, looking at my father cautiously. His fists tightened and his face contorted in a twisted manner. This was the first time that I had seen him become truly livid. "They slapped me, kicked me. Cain held me under water until I couldn't breath. Sometimes, I still feel like I'm being suffocated."
"And that is why we take things one day at time with you, JoyAnna. It isn't because we're treating you like a baby."
"You talked to mom," I rolled my eyes.
"Yes, I did. You're my daughter. I'm concerned about you. But you have to know that you have every right to get angry. You can be sad. Cry all day if you want to. All I've seen you do is sit in your room and stare blankly out the window. Has Dr. Edmonds been helping?"
"A lot," I replied quietly and turned to my father. "Thank you for taking the initiative to invite the Rossi's and the Carr's over. She wanted me to speak to a family or a couple, something about helping me grow."
"I think I understand why," he sighed and wrapped an arm around me. I lay my head on his shoulder. "Your feelings about your recovery and your feelings for Eric are being muddled together. You're walking out of your room, sitting at the family table for dinner and starting to smile. You're starting to show emotion, the depth of your feelings - anger, frustration and grief - with us, your family. But there are other aspects of your life, such as your friends in Dauntless, finishing your degree, moving to Erudite, being engaged to Eric. You need to come to terms with those things too."
"I still feel lost though, like I can't move on to that because of, well because..."
"Because of what Cain did," he asked.
"He singled me out because of everything. I just feel so awful, like it's my fault."
"Wildflower," my father straightened out and garnered a serious expression. "I need you to remember that nothing gave him or his family the right to become obsessed with obtaining you. Neither did it give them the right to kidnap you, hold you against your will and torture you. He is using that as an excuse and that is not your fault. You do not need to take responsibility for what happened, do you hear me?"
"I know," I nodded.
"Do you?"
"Realistically, I know that. But I still feel responsible for what happened that day. My two best friends were caught in the middle of it. One of them was murdered and the other was beaten. And Eric, he," I shook my head, "he and his sister walked away from that type of life. But they got thrown back into it because of me, to protect me. And now I'm disrupting things at home. I was a total bitch to Jimmy."
"I won't have you using that sort of language in my house," he pointed a stern finger at me, "no matter how true it is," he smiled and I knew that things were okay. Not everything, but some things were. "I love you, Wildflower. Your mother, your brothers and I will be here with you every step of the way. You're not disrupting anything." He kissed my forehead again and I felt a large piece of myself relax. "Now, why don't you go and help your mother and Jimmy prepare the steaks?"
Walking into the house, I felt nervous and uncertain. Joshua and Jensen were arguing about the grill as they walked down the hallway, not paying attention to me as I walked in. It almost felt right, like they weren't babying me or tiptoeing around me. Jordan was shouting at them to hurry - that they were burning daylight. His eyes finally caught mine and he gave me a small smile and nod.
The kitchen was warm and comforting just like those many nights we had dinner at the table. I found Jimmy dashing pepper and spices onto the steak, singing a little as he did so. I looked over to see my mother moving her hips back and forth to the song.
Touching Jimmy's shoulder, I was a bit upset to see his cautious expression at realizing it was me. My hand moved to pat his back and then ruffled his head. All the while his eyes were watching me. I bit my lower lip and turned to him, both of our eyes glistening with tears.
"I love you, Jimmy bean. And I'm sorry about..."
He threw his little arms around my neck and jumped up onto me. "I missed you, sister."
I released a sound between a sob and a laugh and squeezed him tightly to me. "I missed you, too."
My mother came by and rubbed my back before turning her attention to the huge bowl of fruits she had been cutting up. This was huge. This was progress. And I felt like the only thing missing now was to talk to Eric.