Chapter 29: Confessions
"Are you planning on decorating the room soon," I asked Madeline as she rubbed her stomach slowly.
She smiled and scrunched up her face before shaking her head. "I told Ben that I didn't want him to make a big fuss out of everything," she looked over at me and then paused. "Anyway, enough about me. Tell me about you. How are things going?"
"I rather not talk about it," I answered.
Madeline sat up and leaned closer towards me, close as I would allow that is. "I can tell you don't want to talk about me having a baby either, JoyAnna," she said softly.
"No, I do," I shook my head.
But it was obvious that I was not able to convince her in the least. She sighed, "I know you're not happy for me, not really." I went to open my mouth but she held up her hand. "Just be honest, JoyAnna," Madeline said gently. "I won't get hurt. I promise."
"It's nothing, really. I'm happy for you Madeline."
Her face scrunched up as if she smelt something - for lack of better word - smelly. I knew when my mom was pregnant her senses were heightened. But to see Madeline actually sniff out my lie, made me smile inside.
"This is something you want, isn't it?"
I sighed and turned away from her, glancing at my family - they were laughing and joking around with Madeline's parents, Benjamin's parents and his two younger brothers. They found out that they were having a girl. Madeline was happy the baby was healthy but she would have preferred a boy. The Rossi's however - after three boys - were ecstatic that their son was having a daughter. My mother was the same when she found out she was pregnant with me. It made me think of my conversation with Eric and the six kids he imagined us having together.
"I don't know what I want anymore," I shook my head. "I thought I did."
Madeline let out a small snort. "It's okay not to be overly thrilled for us. To be quite honest, moments like these are often rare to come by." I gave her a weird look. "When no one is hovering over me, asking me if I need anything, if I'm comfortable, if I'm tired, if I'm hungry," she rolled her eyes.
"They just want to make sure that you and the baby are okay. They don't want you to overextend yourself," I shrugged.
"I know. These past couple months I've just been 'pregnant Maddie', it's nice to be with someone who doesn't want to talk about it."
I shook my head. "I'm so sorry, Madeline."
"Don't," she put up her hand to stop me. "Just answer me this one question, are you mad at me or Benjamin?"
"For being pregnant?"
"For coming here to dinner," she answered. "If you rather be alone..."
"No, no," I rejected that thought. "Please don't ever think that I was mad at you or Benjamin, or your parents or his. I know I haven't said it and the entire town must be talking about it. But I've seen how they've rallied behind my family, helping them out. Benjamin's father is doing a great job helping to watch out for me and I know that everyone in the sheriff's department has been putting in extra hours. I appreciate all that they're doing. My family certainly does, as well."
"Benjamin is looking to pass his exams to become one of his father's deputies - and that was way before any of this happened," she added.
"He has a kind heart," I looked towards him. "Truly, I'm happy for the both of you. I really am - at least there's a part of me that is, Madeline. Believe that. It's just that she's buried under this rotten shell," I waved my hands around me. "I like the dinner, my mom needed the company a lot too. Being in a house full of men really irritated her," I tried a small smile which she responded with also.
It was then that I realized why Dr. Edmonds told me that I should invite over a newly married couple or families. I had spent so much time around my own. To actually see how my behavior was affecting others and how they cared deeply about me - about each other - made me see things from a different perspective. Madeline was sitting here, accepting me with open arms.
"I'm more so mad at myself. I wasn't even raped, I mean," I paused because Dr. Edmonds had told me not to downplay what happened but I still felt like I was dragging this out, being overly dramatic.
"I see your mind working in overdrive," she pinched my side playfully and my smile widened when my response wasn't a scream of torture. "What happened to you, it was horrible. I can't tell you how to get over it because everyone deals with things differently. But you are a strong person, JoyAnna. Out of everyone that I know, I believe you'll bounce back. And even if you don't, there are a lot of people who will help you stand up after this fall."
"Thanks Madeline. I've been hearing that a lot but to hear it from someone other than my parents," I smiled again. "It means a lot. I'm glad you all came."
"I heard that you didn't want us to come and I told Benjamin that maybe we shouldn't. But he said that your father insisted."
"After speaking to my Dad, I realized how insensitive I was being by pushing everyone away, be refusing help, by refusing to do anything. Just because something awful happened to me doesn't give me the right to be a," I paused and whispered, "to be a bitch to everyone around me. I was projecting all this anger onto everybody else, being selfish basically. When," I stopped and my mouth hung open for a while - as if the idea or concept hit me.
All this anger I was feeling it wasn't because of what happened, it was because of who had caused it.
"I thought he loved me," I began. "I thought that we were going to get married and be together forever. I thought he was the perfect man for me - the man who," I gestured to my grandparents, "the man who I would build a future with. That's why I've been so angry. Because I wanted a fairy-tale life and he didn't give it to me."
"Our lives are far from fairy-tale," Madeline shook her head.
"I know that. A true relationship takes hard work and a lot of care to weather through things."
"It does. Did I ever tell you how Benjamin and I ended up together?" I shook my head. "You know that people thought my mother was the town harlot, right?"
"Don't say that," I scolded her.
"Why? It's true. Well, it's not true that she slept around but they did say things. All throughout school, the other kids made fun of me - and it wasn't just because of my mother's rumored promiscuity. Most of my clothes were given to us by the church. I remember once Hannah," she nodded with her head towards Jack's wife, "pointed out that I was wearing her old dress that she threw out. Childhood was full of humiliating moments like that. No one wanted to be my friend, not really."
I looked over at my brother and Benjamin. I was only a year younger than the two of them, a year younger than Madeline, but I remember both of them doing their fair share of bullying. It wasn't something that they were both proud of now. But it made me wonder if we had been mean to Madeline.
"Everyone with a reputation - or with good families - basically avoided me. That was until high school," Madeline sighed. "During the Summer between our Junior and Senior year, Robert Black had asked me out. I thought it was the most amazing thing ever."
I wanted to puke. Robert was an even bigger pain in the ass than my brothers. He had asked me out too but I was never going to say 'yes' to a guy who drew pictures of animals mating on the desks in class. Then I realized that this was Madeline's experience. She said that people avoided her, so she wouldn't have known that Robert was a punk.
"I thought everything was romantic because he picked me up, brought me flowers, took me to a movie and whispered pretty things to me. I thought he was the perfect guy. I thought it was a perfect date. Then somehow we ended up parked at Sunrise Peak. The only reason why he asked me out was because he thought I was easy like my mom."
"I'm sure..."
"That's what he said to me, JoyAnna, right before he ripped off my shirt. He had one of those handheld camcorders and started to film everything. I kicked him in the balls and that was enough for me to get out of the car. But it wasn't enough to get away because no one came over to stop him when I was screaming for help. There were other cars parked up there, other kids from school."
"Madeline, I never knew," I shook my head.
"The whole town thought I was a tramp, just like my mother."
"I never..."
"You didn't know me until your brother started hanging out with me."
"No, I knew you before that. I just never heard all those rumors. Neither did I know the rumors about your mother. She was dedicated to your schooling - present at every award's assembly. You were a top honors student. There certainly wasn't anything discrediting that I saw. Whenever we met one another, other than in class, you were volunteering at the animal shelter. And you know my grandmother wouldn't put up with anyone who she thought ill of."
"And neither would the animals," she laughed. "That's why I went to your grandmother's all the time. They didn't talk about me or my mother. You're right," she nodded, "your grandmother was one of the few people who didn't judge me according to my mother's rumored deeds."
I guess I was so wrapped up in my own life that I hardly took notice of what other people said - unless they were whispering about me. I snorted and shook my head. "I want to say that I don't believe this town would talk about other people behind their back but I remember what happened when my Aunt Annabella left. Blossom told me that a few girls pointed at her at school, talked about her father and mother getting a divorce. Things like that weren't heard of in this town."
"And neither was a woman having a baby out of wedlock, raising the child on her own either," Myra said.
My head nodded in agreement. "I can see the town talking now. They talked about me when I walked out on Cain. It's one of the reasons why I didn't want to come back."
"How do you think everyone knew about Serenity," she whispered glancing at Hannah. "This entire town is full of gossipers and the Fields are the main ones who spread them."
I shook my head at the truth of that before turning back to Madeline.
"So, what happened later that night?"
Madeline sighed, rubbed her stomach and looked over at Benjamin. "Robert caught up with me as I was running down the road," since no one at the Peak would help her, was her unspoken statement. "He was about to drag me back into his car when Benjamin, your brother, Stephen Rogers and Reese Miller passed by."
I remembered Reese Miller being tight with my brother, but Senior year they had drifted apart. I always wondered why.
I got my answer. "Your brother asked if I was okay. I guess he could see that I was crying. But Reese had laughed it off, asked if he could have me after Robert was done." Madeline shook her head. "Benjamin and your brother exchanged blows with both Robert and Reese that night. Stephen had taken me into their truck. At first I was afraid that they'd do the same as Robert but," she looked down at her stomach, "Benjamin had been the one to call the police - call his Dad. Before his dad came, he took off his shirt and handed it to me, even unzipped his jacket and put that over me too."
"Why is this the first time that I'm hearing about it?"
"I made the three of them swear they wouldn't mention what happened, even after Sheriff Rossi showed up. Who would believe me, the daughter of the town slut?" She laughed and shook her head. "Over time, the three of them sat with me at lunch, walked me to and from classes - anything to avoid Robert and Reese. The rumors slowly died down Senior year, in fact they were almost nonexistent. Especially with your family, the Rossi's and the Rogers family defending me. That could be another reason why you never heard the rumors. Your grandmother doesn't put up with that sort of nonsense."
We both shared a small laugh. "No, she certainly does not," I added. "I'm sure a lot of the rumors ended too when your father came home."
"When my father came back to Amity - everyone knew then that he had gone to the Navy - not because he was my mother's one-night stand. My mother hadn't even told him that she was pregnant. She didn't want him to give up his life. My mother even kept me a secret whenever he came home from one of his missions. Of course he was upset when he got a picture of me getting the student of the year award my Freshmen year - he felt betrayed. Now they're married but it doesn't erase all those years of pain. He missed a lot of my life. But," she looked down, "he's promised to be here for the rest of it - promised he'll be the best grandfather there is. His Navy SEAL days are over."
"Your child is going to be very loved," I nodded.
"Thank you," she smiled at me.
"There's something that you said earlier about not wanting anyone to know. If you swore everyone - my brother and Benjamin - to secrecy then why would you share this all with me?"
Madeline reached out and rubbed my back comfortingly. "You know I've always thought of you as my friend. I never really had any girls that I hung out with. Yes, you were Jordan Summer's younger sister, but I liked it when you tagged along."
She paused and then pinned me with a hard stare.
"Also, I know exactly what you're going through, JoyAnna. It took me a while to stand up for myself. But every time I felt like falling - Ben, Jordan, Stephen, your grandmother, Mrs. Rossi and surprisingly even my father picked me back up. You have to let them. They're not pitying you, they're caring about you - helping you build up your strength again. And who knows," she took my hand and placed it on her stomach as I felt a very tiny vibration. "Maybe one day you'll have this. Forget about that false 'Prince Charming' you met in the beginning of your story. Not when there's a strong King who wants to make you his Queen."
"I've never heard it put that way before."
"I know you've heard all those other lines, that it takes time or things will get better. And you know what it is true. In reality, I never forgot that night. I also never forgot the days after that, the days where Benjamin made me confident, Jordan made me laugh and your grandmother made me strong."
Tears threatened to spill forth but I didn't let it. "I want to move on with my life, Madeline. Seeing all of this, speaking to my parents, spending time with others made me realize that I'm still in charge of my life. It's not running away without me."
"That's good," she smiled and so did I.
"How long after did you stop feeling guilty?"
"I felt guilty whenever I saw Robert."
That's what I liked about this conversation. True, my father said that I shouldn't feel guilty for what happened but the feeling was still there. Madeline wasn't responsible for what happened to her but since she went through it, she knew the feeling. Instead of denying it, she answered honestly.
"My mother told me not to listen to the kids at school or the women who whispered about me and her behind our backs at the grocery store - turn the other cheek. But Benjamin made me realize I needed to stand up for myself. It wasn't true what they were saying. It wasn't right what they were doing. The more assertive I was, the more defense I got in my corner, it made me feel less guilt, less shame, less of everything," she laughed.
"When did you and Benjamin start dating?"
"It took months until Benjamin kissed me. It wasn't like he was ready to jump into my pants and neither was I willing to let him. We were friends first and then somehow romance wiggled itself in there. He showed me what it was supposed to be like, what everything is supposed to be like," she whispered suggestively. "Then again, I was pretty much a virgin so," she shrugged.
I smiled and was just about ready to open my mouth when my father called me. We both turned to see that the food was nearly ready. I watched as Benjamin came over to hold a hand out for Madeline.
"See how everyone hovers," Madeline leaned to whisper over at me but Benjamin heard it.
"I'm not hovering," he smiled at her. "I just wanted to hold your hand."
She rolled her eyes before accepting it but I saw the blush that crept up on her cheeks. Benjamin kissed her cheek before wrapping his arm around her shoulder, guiding her back towards everyone else. I stood up and followed them until Jordan came to stand by my side.
He took my hand in his as my grandfather got ready to pray for the meal. I let out a deep breath, feeling my brother's hand squeeze mine before loosening his hold. Closing my eyes, I held out my right hand for one of my other brother's to come by.
Except it wasn't one of my brother's hands.
The hand was rough and strong, firm and yet it held me tenderly. I felt a jolt of electricity shoot through my arm causing my heart to beat erratically.
Gasping, I opened my eyes and turned my head to see Eric standing next to me, head bowed and eyes closed.
My head shot around at everyone else, whose heads were also bowed. The only one who had their eyes opened was my grandfather. Our eyes met and he smiled before bowing his head as well. He asked to bless the meal in front of us, bless the hands that made them and bless the two little ones who had yet to join us. He asked for forgiveness and for us to be forgiving to others. He offered thanks for all that we had, especially each other. I knew he was speaking generally about everyone but I felt that every word was for me. Emotions poured over that I had kept in for so long and I had to let go of my brother's hand to wipe away my tears.
When it was over, Eric lifted our joined hands, moved them so my palm was up and placed his lips in a gentle kiss. Hungrily, my eyes soaked him in. His hair was a bit longer, the curls showing through. The smoothness of his jaw was gone. He looked to be growing some sort of beard. I liked it, but at the same time, I missed seeing his smirk so openly.
I dropped Jordan's hand for the second time and touched Eric's cheek. "Hey," I whispered.
"Hey," he answered back with a soft smile.
There was a look in his eyes that told me he wanted to say more. Those grey-blue beauties showed tiredness in them, exhaustion and grief. He was worried about scaring me - that much was certain. It was obvious that whatever was about to happen, it was something that he'd allow me to decide about. The ball was in my court.
"I missed you," I told him, my throat clogged with emotion.
"I missed you too," Eric replied.
"It's been a while," I shrugged one shoulder.
"It's been too damn long," he responded in a tone that told me he wanted to wrap me in his arms and keep me there forever.
He was uncertain and nervous - I had made him that way. He was so sure of his feelings before - so confident in us, in our future, in what we were together and now things weren't the same. There was a thinness in his voice and his eyes that broke my heart. But I could change all of that.
"Can you give me a hug?"
Eric didn't answer right away but something flickered in his eyes before he tugged on my hand, pulling me into his arms. He wrapped me tightly as both of my hands held onto his shoulders. The hug was different from the earlier ones I experienced from my family. There was a desperation behind this hug, a deep emotion that tugged on me and wouldn't let go. Our bodies were so close that my feet lifted off the ground slightly at Eric's hold.
"I've wanted to do this since you woke up," he admitted, burying his face in my hair and taking a deep breath.
I did the same, inhaling his scent, his comfort, his strength. I felt wet drops on my shoulder and knew that he was crying. And that allowed the damn I kept back to burst forth as well.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered, my voice muffled against his neck. "I was in such a weird place. Everything felt unsteady and..."
"Hey, hey," he pushed me back slightly - enough to see me but still kept his arms around me - setting me on the ground He raised one hand to cup my cheek. "You don't have to apologize to me, Ana."
"I do. I..."
"Ana," he shook his head and pressed a kiss to my forehead. "As much as I hated to be away from you, you needed that time to figure things out. I just had to be patient. Just promise me something."
"Anything," I pulled back enough to look up at him.
"Don't ever leave me again."
"Never," I whispered as he wrapped me in his arms again.
Our embrace wasn't long until Jimmy barreled into our legs. "Eric! Did you bring Eve with you? Where is she?"
Both Eric and I held back our laughter. Secretly, a part of me was wondering that, too. "It's just me this time," he ruffled my brother's hair.
"Well, that's boring."
"Jimmy bean," I scolded.
"If that's how you feel, then I wonder what I'm supposed to do with that Lego set that I brought from..." Eric didn't get a chance to finish his sentence because my brother had sprinted away, towards the house.
"You spoil him," my mother smiled, holding out her arms to Eric. She basically had to pry me away when it was apparent that neither Eric or I wanted to let go of one another. "It's good to see you, Eric," she hugged him tightly - as tightly as her stomach was allowed to. "Came over here to tell you 'hello' and now I also must tell you 'goodbye', because this little one wants out," she rubbed her stomach.
My eyes widened. "What?"
"Don't shout, JoyAnna," she waved her hand at me before waddling back.
"I wasn't. I just," I went to grab her arm but she pulled it away.
"I've given birth to seven babies before, I'm used to the pain. I'll see you in a few hours."
"Mom, I think..."
"The party is going to continue. I want everyone well-fed and relaxed before they come up to visit me and the baby," she insisted.
"Mrs. Summers," Eric began but stopped when she eyed him out. "I mean Mom," he clarified which made another surge of emotions pass through me, my mom and I'm quite certain, himself. "Are you sure that..."
"Eric, I'll be fine. I already told everyone to stay and eat. I told my father-in-law to hurry up his prayer because the baby wants out. Just bring my daughter up to the hospital in a few hours, maybe two," she waved her hand and waddled into the house. "This kid seriously wants me to meet everybody. Jensen Daniel and Joshua Matthew," she shouted as I heard my brothers scramble to put her bag, the baby bag and the car seat into the family SUV.
As for the rest of dinner, Sheriff Rossi and his wife - along with my grandparents - told stories of each of mine and my brother's births.
Supposedly, my mother was in labor with me the longest - that's how Gamma Cammie knew that I was going to be handful. "She's always starving for attention. Typical middle child," she said as Jordan and Jensen laughed.
"That's only because I had to fight for the attention," I pouted as everyone else laughed. "I had six brothers - six!"
It felt like everything had drained away - washed itself away. I caught Madeline's eyes and she was smiling at me. Dr. Edmonds was right. Speaking with family was one thing. But hearing someone outside my family - who recently married, started a family, had gone through a traumatizing experience - helped a whole lot more. She was right, there was such a contrast between the false 'Prince Charming' and the real King that I had now in my life.
Realizing that I had quieted down and zoned out, Eric lightly squeezed my hand. I looked over at him and smiled, reassuringly. He was here. We still had a long way to go. But he was here, and that is what mattered.
We didn't speak much about us for the rest of the night but the thought of him being here, spoke volumes.
Just as everyone was getting ready to leave, my brothers decided to pile it in my Dad's truck and head to the hospital. They shouted out of the truck bed and cheered that our youngest brother was born. Of course Jimmy bean sat in his booster chair between me and Eric in the front. He was holding onto a small Star Wars Lego figurine and wondering if our new brother would like them.
"He will, but not right away," I answered. "You might have to wait until he can play Lego's with you. And you have to be a certain age to do that."
"The box says that I'm not supposed to play with them until I'm six years old," Jimmy argued. "I'm not six, yet."
"Well, maybe you should wait until after he stops wanting to put everything in his mouth."
"Why would he put the Lego's in his mouth? He might choke on them. And," he paused and licked the piece he had in his hand. "It doesn't taste good. Do you want to try it," he held it up to me, "I'm telling you it doesn't taste good."
Eric chuckled from the driver's seat and shook his head.
"I know it doesn't taste good."
"And it's hard," Jimmy continued, "you can't chew on it."
"But the baby won't know that," I explained. "The baby won't know a lot of things yet. That's why it'll be your job to help mom, teach our baby brother not to put things in his mouth."
"Like how you all did with me," he asked with innocent eyes.
"Exactly like that," I tickled his stomach.
Jimmy laughed and kicked out his feet, pushing my hand away in a flurry of giggles. After the laughter died down, we continued to drive in comfortable silence to the hospital. Once we had parked - in what was, I swear, a reserved parking stall for the Summers' family - Jimmy turned to me with a panicked expression.
"What is it," I asked him as he unbuckled himself from his seat.
"I was just remembering all the things that my older squid-ings did for me," he began.
Eric looked over at me at the mention of 'squid-ings'. My brother couldn't correctly pronounce siblings yet, but I wasn't going to hold that against him. And when I mouthed the word to Eric, he nodded in understanding.
"And I remembered that you had to change diapers," his face donned a queasy expression. "I won't have to do that too, will I," he groaned.
I picked him up and out of the truck before settling him down on the ground. "Nope," I replied. "You can leave that to Jensen and Josh. Or," I paused and turned him around to point at Jack and Hannah pulling in the next stall. "You can say that Hannah needs practice and let her deal with the baby's dirty diapers."
Silently, I thought that could be payback for teasing Madeline when she was a child. I know what my mother would say about bad motives. And I quickly remembered my grandfather's prayer about forgiveness. But I could only imagine her face when the baby decided to poop and pee on her.
The nurses greeted us as we entered and instructed us towards the right room. We wouldn't all fit and so we came up with a schedule - Jonathan's bright idea. Jack and Hannah went in first with our grandparents. Pops was beaming with a wide grin as he brought them all out and said the next group could go in. Joshua, Jensen and Jordan decided to go in after that. They had taken pictures of him on their phones and were going back and forth about which picture was cutest.
What was odd, was that as everyone came out it looked as though they were secretly holding something in. I couldn't pinpoint it. Jonathan picked up Jimmy, carrying him over to the room as Eric and I followed the two of them.
We had just entered and smiled at my Dad as he showed Jimmy our baby brother. I watched as he scrunched up his face before turning towards me.
"Why is my brother using pink?"
"What," I exclaimed, dropping Eric's hand and hurrying over.
"Don't yell, JoyAnna," Jimmy lifted his two fingers and pressed them against my mouth, "the baby is sleeping."
"She isn't sleeping, not fully," my dad answered. "Her eyes just haven't adjusted to the light."
"She," I questioned. "Her," I repeated in confusion.
"Isn't it obvious, JoyAnna," Jonathan turned to me. "She wanted to play a prank on everyone," he smiled, "just like her older sister. She's going to be trouble, Dad."
"I know," my dad replied, "but I wouldn't change it for the world."
My eyes started to water when my father tilted our new baby 'sister' towards me. Sure enough, there she was - all wrinkly, dressed in light pink, eyes blinking open to peer around at her new visitors.
"Why don't you all meet Jeanette Rebecca Summers," he said. "Jeanette, this is your oldest brother, Jonathan. Your youngest brother James and..."
"And your only bestest sister, JoyAnna," I finished.
"That's not even a word," a voice behind us mumbled happily.
Turning around, I wiped my tears and walked towards the bed, leaning down to kiss my mother on the cheek. She looked ready for anything, albeit a bit tired but rearing for action. She would have to be if Jeanette turned out to be anything like me. I moved a chair and sat quietly next to her bed.
"A girl," I laughed.
"Yes, that little angel tricked us," she smiled at me. "She's going to be a handful, I can tell."
"Everyone keeps saying that," I shook my head.
"There's still that box of your old dresses that I kept in the closet," she sighed. "I thought I'd pass them on to a future granddaughter. Oh," she excitedly proclaimed, "I get to braid hair and paint toenails again. Then of course, she'll have to spend time with Uncle Jep - just like you did. She'll be chasing after piglets and scraping her knees. Then shower and hold her piggy doll while I sing her to sleep."
My bottom lip began to tremble and I quickly bit down on it to keep from crying, yet again. My mother was quickly going through all the memories of my childhood. "Well, whenever you need me to come back and give her some sisterly talking to," I reached out and held my mother's hand. "Just give me call, mom."
"Does that mean that you and that young man are reconciled?"
"Not fully," I answered, turning towards Eric. Jonathan smiled for a picture before helping Jimmy carry her. Eric was smiling at Jimmy's worried face as he looked down at Jeanette. "We'll get there, though. I know it."
My Dad came by, touched my shoulder before leaning over the bed to whisper something secretly with my mother. The two of them sported smiles before sharing a brief kiss as I tore myself away from the seat to go and carry my baby sister.
"Will she still want to play games with me even though she's a girl," Jimmy asked as I knelt down in front of them.
"I think she will."
"Like Eve does," he glanced at Eric before looking back at me. "Will we be close like that?"
"I don't know. And I can't answer everything, I've never had a baby sister before," I touched Jeanette's head.
"I've had one," Jonathan commented. "She'll be a pain sometimes but you'll love her either way and," he reached out to pull me towards him, planting a kiss on my forehead, "you protect her from scary monsters under her bed, you stop mean people from teasing her and you always have to let her have your cookies."
"What if it's the last cookie," Jimmy looked disturbed by that.
"Especially if it's the last cookie," Jonathan answered as I leaned my head on his shoulder.
Jimmy looked down at the baby. "I guess she's not that bad, then."
We all laughed causing the baby's face to twist. Her tiny mouth opened in what appeared to be a cry and immediately Jimmy's face turned pale. I moved toward him, slowly taking Jeanette in my arms, watching as Eric snapped a couple more pictures and Jonathan instructed me on holding the baby, supporting her head and being careful of the blanket slipping.
"It's not my first time holding a baby, you know," I scolded.
"No, but this is our baby sister," he moved the blanket. "And if she's anything like you, then," he paused and as if on cue, Jeanette's mouth opened wide in a yawn and shifted her arms. "Yup, you didn't like it when your hands were wrapped up in the blanket. You always had them over your head or holding onto something."
Eric chuckled as he stepped closer. "She still sleeps like that, with her hands thrown over her head or she's holding onto a pillow."
Jonathan moved to step back from Eric and I. He took his phone from Eric and quickly snapped two pictures - one of me and Eric looking down at my sister and the other of me and Eric looking up at one another. After we returned Jeanette to my mother, my father ushered us out and said that we could visit in the morning. Both mother and child needed their rest.
Everyone was all smiles and laughs when we stepped out into the hallway.
"Why didn't you say it was a girl," I questioned.
Pops chuckled. "Believe me, we were all shocked when we walked in there too. I forgot what it was like to have a girl born into this family," he wrapped him arm around Gamma and kissed her hair. "Our fifth granddaughter," he smiled.
"I think she's going to be a heart breaker," Jack said. "You'll have your hands full watching out for her, Jimmy."
"I'm just glad I'm going to Erudite with Jonathan," Jordan added. "I remember JoyAnna never liked sleeping as a baby."
"It wasn't because I was crying," I disputed.
"No, you just wanted to play all the time," Jonathan shook his head. "Always wanting to build blanket forts, catch bugs during the night, sleep out in the tree-house - it was like you were on some goddamn sugar rush."
"She sounds perfect to me," Jimmy said as everyone laughed again.
Driving home, there was an excitement in the air. Jonathan made sure that my grandparents got home safely. Then he said that he would head back to the hospital, the store and then to Uncle Jep's. That could only mean that the house needed milk, bread or possibly even bacon and eggs for breakfast. I could only imagine the amount of food we all consumed. And now with Jonathan moving back out - again - along with Jordan and Jack's move, that would be less strain on my mother to cook for everyone.
That thought reminded me of something and after making sure that Jimmy was asleep in his bed, I stalked down the hallway towards Jordan's room. Knocking quietly, I waited outside until his tired voice stated it was okay for me to enter. Pushing back the door slowly, my eyes settled on a few boxes and one large suitcase.
"You're moving to Erudite?"
Jordan looked up at me and nodded, before patting the bed.
"When was this decided upon? And why?"
"Working at the farm or living off of mom and dad isn't something I want to do for the rest of my life," he confessed once we both had sat down. "And while I admit that school wasn't my thing, I think that perhaps I need to get more than just my high-school diploma. Not that anything is wrong with just one diploma. I feel, no," he paused, "I know I'm cruising by in life. Stephen got his vet license and all those certificates to get his grandfather's ranch up and running again. He wants to breed horses. Ben is married, with a kid on the way, working towards becoming a deputy. And me, I'm," he sighed, "well, I'm doing nothing."
"Mom and Dad will miss you. And I'm sure Jensen and Joshua, Jimmy," I began as he nodded. "Everyone will miss you."
"I know. You're not the only battling things you know," he looked over at me. "After you left, I sort of got into the habit of drinking."
"What," I practically yelled. "Oh my God, I've been doing that a lot today. Well, everyone lately has been surprising me today." And wanting to share their experiences, it seems. "Why didn't I notice this?"
He shrugged. "I always fell over drunk wherever I was and just slept the night away - far away from the house. Everyone thought I was out with Benjamin or Stephen. I guess Dad didn't want anyone to worry."
"What happened? I mean, how did you get back on track?"
"This isn't Dr. Edmonds first trip here for our family," he explained with a small smile. "I felt like I was doing nothing and somehow, drinking made things less depressing, I guess. After we came back from Dauntless for your wedding, it was obvious that I needed to clean up."
"Wait, you were drunk at my wedding?"
"I was drunk before I even got on the airplane. No one knew about it," he shrugged again. "I should have sobered up for your wedding but I didn't. It just made me feel more overwhelmed about my own life. The day that Benjamin came over and said he wanted me as his best man, he found me in my own vomit in the back of the old barn. When the drinking stopped, I was bombarded with all this uncertainty, emptiness. For nearly three years, I drank every day and every night. It got to the point where I realized that I didn't want to live this way - with my best friend finding me passed out during the middle of the day."
"What if Jimmy found you, Jordan?"
He chuckled. "He did once. Dad told him that I was too tired from all the work that I'd been doing for Uncle Jep. Dad was lying for me, JoyAnna. He lied to Jimmy bean, lied to mom, lied to everyone. I turned Dad into a liar. There were secrets from this family - this loving, open family. I didn't want this feeling of dependency and depression floating above my head all the time, above the family."
"You did it, though," I reached out and took his hand.
"I did it with everyone's help. Gamma Cammie knew this really good therapist that I could talk to. I went to meetings, group programs, the whole nine-yards."
"Oh my God, that's why you had milkshakes at Johanna's diner and then at Jack's wedding, you had Sprite - instead of champagne or wine," I remembered.
"Benjamin and Stephen have there for me, too. They don't drink whenever I'm around. Hell, Benjamin stopped drinking altogether. He said he'd do anything to support me, be there for me. I wasn't alone in it. And neither are you, JoyAnna," he turned back to me.
We hugged quickly before he pushed back and tried to wipe his face, blowing air with his mouth so that it wouldn't appear as though he were about to cry. I laughed and shook my head.
"Jonathan asked if I wanted to go with him to Erudite, find something in school that I might like. I could even intern at his company. He said we could talk to Eric about it but I decided I needed to do this on my own. He's already allowing me to live with him. I'll figure out the rest. I have to. I want to."
"I'm so proud of you."
We hugged again before I said goodnight and went to my room. I noticed the light on underneath the doorway and opened it slightly.
Eric was looking at some pictures on a shelf next to my desk. Good Lord, did I miss this man. Standing there in the middle of my room, I remembered our last time we were both here in Amity. He glanced towards me, as if realizing that I entered the room and smiled. Despite there still being an air of awkwardness between us - now that we were alone - I was extremely excited that he was here. I smiled back, closed the door gently and walked towards him.
"If you want," he rubbed the back of his neck, "I can sleep on the couch. I just," he paused before reaching for my hands with both of his, "I'm just so happy to see you, Ana."
"I'm happy to see you, too."
Eric nodded and then took a step back. "Well, goodnight."
"Eric," I grasped one of his hands before it could slip away from mine. "Why don't we talk? We have a lot to talk about."