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Tears don't fall.
Enemies in the light
Atemu.
Later, I confronted Jamie. Confusion and anger swirled around in my head, waltzing in a deadly dace. I cornered him whilst he was stretched out on the couch, drinking up a clichéd soap opera. When I blocked his view of the screen he looked up annoyed.
"What the hell is your problem?" I demanded
Hazel eyes flashed. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Like hell you don't! I want to know."
He snorted, leaning around me to watch the screen. "You're making things up."
"I am not. Why was Scott yelling at you? Who's this person you were arguing about?"
Surprise rippled across his face, his mouth dropping open. I smirked in triumph.
"You heard that?" He asked. "How much?"
"Not a lot." Jamie relaxed. My eyes narrowed "You're keeping secrets from me! I don't like it."
"That's tough. We all have to go through things we don't like."
"Why does everyone else know except for me?"
"No one wants you to know."
His words stopped my rant as I acknowledged the hurt that rocketed through me. In my stunned silence, Jamie studied me, eyes assessing my reaction. Finally I composed myself and shot a glare at Jamie.
"Why the fuck not?"
"Because you'd act like a spoilt child and demand to be told."
I growled "Fuck you!"
His eyes rounded on me, something burning inside. "Try it."
Something in his expression warned me, told me to move away from him. For moments I stood, frozen, watching the monster replacing my friend. Then my body thawed out and I turned away from him.
"You're messed up, man." I said over my shoulder. "You can't keep secrets from me. That's not fair."
"And you're just a coward. Can't admit you're in love. Can't see what's in front of your face."
Anger shook, I left the room.
....Stuck up jerk.....
Scott was the next person I intarigated. Frustrated, I rounded on him whilst he was listening to music. I ripped the headphones off his head, he jumped, confusion shooting across his face.
"Um...Até? You ok?"
"Why are you keeping secrets from me?"
"I'm not."
"Yes you are. Jamie says."
"And you listened to him?"
"I've noticed it too. You yell at Jamie. He glares at me. Kyle glares at both of you...what is happening here?"
"Honestly Atemu. I don't know what you're talking about." His eyes shifted away from me and suddenly he wouldn't look at me.
"You're lying to me! Why?"
"I'm not lying....seriously..."
"Don't act like I'm stupid! Why were you and Jamie arguing?"
"We weren't arguing exactly."
"What were you doing?"
"Discussing important matters."
I growled, anger swarming around my mind, buzzing in the gaps, pricking it's fingers into the cracks. I turned swiftly, leaving the room in a storm of rage and betrayal.
....I don't want to believe it..but...is it possible that friendship is a lie?...A figment of the imagination to quell the lonely thoughts?
Do all humans crave affection but don't find it? Do they make it up?
....or....
Am I really that much of a hideous person?
I didn't even bother going and asking Lucy or Kyle, knowing I'd get the same evasive response.
What are friends?
Friends are people that you think are your friends
But they're really your enemies, with secret identities
and disguises, to hide their true colours
So just when you think you're close enough to be brothers
they wanna come back and cut your throat when you ain't lookin
Enemies in the light....
Annoyed, I turned away from the direction I was heading in, throwing myself down in the spare bedroom.
A part of me new it wasn't right to complain about what I had...however small it was....but I couldn't help it.
It was all slipping away from me...trickling through my fingers...now I know...I never really had it....Just...an illusion...
Ra, if you can hear me...help me...just once more...
But it was silent. Even the gods, the beings that had created me, abandoned me.
...A forsaken little boy....
A wild punch made my fist connect with the wall. I bit back a curse, wincing at the rapidly swelling joint. Fascinated, I watched blood seeping through the abused skin. Eventually I sighed and ripped the blood on my jeans, shrugging of the pain, physical and emotional.
Admit it Pharaoh...you're slipping....walking on a knife edge.......dreading the final inevitable blow....
...Afraid to fall?....Pharaoh afraid to fall?....
No one will catch you...no one cares....Pharaoh's gonna fall...no one cares....Pharaoh's gonna fall...you're...UNLOVED!
FALLEN MONARCH!
I pressed my hands over my ears, trying to smother the voices taunting in my head. But the voices were loud, singing, I couldn't block them out. No matter how hard I tried they staid, screaming, finding the cracks in my shield, the holes in my heart. They didn't make sense, my mind had no reason to hear the voices. I shouldn't be able to. I hadn't slipped into insanity, I was sure. Yet the voices bombarded me and before I knew it I was curled in on myself, trying to protect myself from something I couldn't....
My own shadowed mind.
My weakness.
...PHARAOH'S GONNA FALL!....AFRAID TO FALL?...GONNA CRY?...BABY GONNA CRY?...NO ONE LOVES YOU!...EVERYBODY HATES YOU...PHAROAH'S GONNA FALL!
//YUGI!//
.
.
.
/Yami?! What's wrong?/
Like a tap had been shut of the voices stopped. The surprise drew a gasp of breath from me and I stared into space with startled pleasure.
/Yami! Are you okay? Yami!/
//I- I'm fine. I apologise, Yugi. I did not mean to involve you//
/I-Involve me? Yami! You know full well that I want you to involve me, with ANY problems you have/
//I am aware of that. However there is nothing you can do at the present time. Bye Yugi//
An impatient sigh was the last thing I heard before I shut the mind link of. A small smile had slipped onto my face and I hadn't even noticed. But somehow I found it hard to care. I couldn't fade the smile to memories. The voices had faded into my distant mind, no longer did I hear even the whisper of them.
....Still....what were they?....Subconscious interfering with conscious?....
Shrugging, I stretched out on the bed, folding my hands behind my head.
.....Sleep came easily when there was something holding the nightmares at bay.
"Oh, man! Where is he?" A voice hovering on anxious brought me back to reality.
"Scott, chill, we'll find him." Kyle...
"But what if he left? He was really angry with us. Oh god! We've gotta find him!"
Soundlessly I opened the door, watching a flustered Scott darting glances into empty rooms. A laugh rose to my lips, I smothered it with my hand, still studying the situation with mirth filled eyes. He rushed down the hall, flapping his hands in a way I'd never seen before. With a sigh, Kyle followed him, muttering something under his breath. With an eye roll, I turned and wondered toward the kitchen.
I meet Lucy in it, humming softly to herself. She looked up at me with a playful sigh.
"Hello, Lucy!" I greeted
"Atemu, you've gotten the boys worked up. Scott's convinced you've left."
"I know." I said, reaching into the fridge, pulling out a can of beer. "I heard him."
"You didn't think to say 'hi'?"
"Nah. He'll find me sooner of later."
She swatted at me, laughing as I darted out of the way. Grinning I brought the can to my lips.
"Where were you anyway?" She asked, turning back to the plates she had previously been washing
"Spare bedroom. I fell asleep."
"Why on earth were you in there?"
"Wanted somewhere quiet."
"So like you."
"Cheers, Lucy."
"Anytime. Hold on, I hear Scott coming."
Grinning, I lowered myself to a nearby chair, taking a swig from the bottle. Lucy's laughter was quiet but joyful. I watched the kitchen doorway, catching the sounds of footsteps in the hall.
"Can't believe he's gone. Didn't even say bye." Scott mumbled as he appeared in the doorway, his gaze on the ground.
"He'll come back. His wallet's up in his room."
"Bet he's got money on him."
"Scott..." Kyle seemed at a loss of what to say.
I glanced at Lucy. She motioned toward a crestfallen, upset Scott. I nodded and stood up. He didn't notice as I stopped in front of him. With a growl, I poked his chest.
"You're no good hide and seek." I informed him. "Think I'll play with Lucy."
Scott seemed frozen. After waving my hand in his face, I shrugged and slid back down into the chair. Soon Scott thawed out.
"I thought you'd given us the slip!"
"As if! Where would I go?"
Scott laughed, clapping a hand to my shoulder. "Don't do that again."
.
.
.
"Jamie? Um...I'm sorry about earlier...I got angry."
"Whatever."
Slightly deflated, I frowned. "That's it? You're not even going to say that you forgive me?"
"No. Why should I?"
"Because I just apologised to you."
"And? You're not forgiven."
"Why not?"
Hazel eyes jerked up to me, cold, empty, emotionless. A shudder ran down my spine. Something wasn't right. I could feel the calm I had felt before turning.
...The calm before the storm....
"Why would I want to be friends with you?"
He stood up and I jerked backward. "...What?"
"Why would I want to be friends with you? A faggot?"
He brushed past me and out the door.
...What just happened....?
Why did he say that?
.
.
.
Not as bad though....but bad enough....
.
.
.
I was barely aware that I was on my knees, one hand covering my eyes the other grasping the scar. My memories.
My curse.
My shame.
Why...Why can't I escape?
I drew my knees up to me, burying my face in them.
Now what?
.
.
.
"Yams?"
My head jerked up, surprise colouring my eyes.
Jou...
Oh Ra! He'd agree with Jamie!
He stepped toward me, concern on his face.
I couldn't understand.
I saw his concern, his love, what he wanted.
.....My last defence broke....
...................................................
Done!
I'm very very very sorry!