"Ooh, look at this one!"
Killian couldn't help the way his eyes turned towards the ceiling at Emma's excited words. He was slow to stand up from the weight bench, finding her nearby. There was at least a small smile on his face as he grabbed the waistband of her yoga pants, pulling her against him. It was because he already knew. He already knew what Emma had brought up on her phone to show him one more time.
"May I ask how we are going to finish this workout if all you do is keep checking your phone?" he whispered just above her ear.
Emma gave him a bit of a huff as she nudged against him.
"If one of us is okay to be lax for a moment it is definitely me," she told him with a smile. "Now, don't you want to look?"
"You're not even sweaty," he muttered playfully. Listening to her gasp made him smile again. His eyes dropped to her phone that she held up for him to look at, only slightly amused.
Apartment listing. Of course.
"It looks gray and dull and it sits in a bad neighborhood," he ticked off for her monotonously.
And when Emma swiftly turned her head towards him with shrewd eyes, the only thing that Killian could do was laugh.
"I can't believe you."
"But… you kind of can, right?" And it only made Killian laugh harder, pulling her into his arms.
"I may not be all sweaty, but you are!" But it didn't seem to bother her as much as she may have wanted him to believe. Because she was immediately up on tiptoe to place a kiss on his lips.
Soft kiss. Lovely lips. A mouth that he couldn't get enough of. A mouth he never wanted to get enough of.
"So does it really look that bad?" Emma asked him softly, slowly moving just a fraction away from her.
Killian had barely glanced at the listing. But he knew it with confidence.
"It looks horrible."
Her eyes met his with wonder. But, again, it was an easy enough to read look.
"I have enough time to get in a good run before I have to get ready for work," she told him. "So how about we push ourselves this last little bit, hm?"
He could have scooped her up in his arms right then and there. He could have held her and kissed her and professed his love at the drop of a hat. But he didn't. He instead followed behind her to where she picked her choice of prime treadmills.
It wasn't her annoyance that he found so utterly adorable in that moment. No. It was the façade that she had continued to put on. Because he knew. He knew what their future held for themselves. He knew that she wasn't going anywhere. She was his just as much as he was hers. And it put a smile on his face.
It wasn't just the pretense of apartment hunting that made him smile reminiscently. And when Emma turned around to look at him- to see the silly grin crossing his face- and chose to poke her tongue out in that childish way that she was so good at, it only made him happier.
It conjured up thoughts of the email. It wasn't always good thoughts when his mind drifted there. But when those thoughts mingled with the really good ones of the future he saw with the woman in front of him, it only solidified what he knew.
.
"It's your decision, Ems." He had strived to match his face to his tone. Because what he had said was true: it was her decision.
And if Emma's sigh had been any indication, then she was more or less on the same page as he was.
"I don't think that I should." She had looked up with him, her eyes wide and a bit of awe was there. "It was what he said. If he had said something else, then maybe. Everything did happen all of a sudden. Especially for him. But… it was more than just closure he was asking for."
That was for damn sure.
"It was about being with him again." Emma had been slow to shake her head. "And I don't know if seeing him would be beneficial, really, when he has feelings like that."
It was the decision that he had wanted her to make. It was like a weight being lifted from his… his heart when she'd said that. It had let him know that she chose him.
"What do you think?" And her eyes had looked at him with question. She had looked at him as if his opinions mattered. She had looked at him as if it was the two of them in this.
"I think… I want to punch him in the face." It was the most honest response he'd had since she told him about the email. It was the first time that he'd felt as if he could be that honest about it with her.
"Because-"
"I get it," Killian had cut her off, knowing that she would have justified and put into perspective the entire scenario. But, in that moment, justification and perception wasn't what he had wanted. "Trust me. I get it."
She had been quiet, just staring at him. Before…
"I can take care of this."
It was the way she had looked at him. It was the way she stood- firm and resolute.
It had been the partnership that wasn't quite new, but quite unique to them, that had made him trust in believe in not only her but in them…
.
"Are you ready?"
Emma leaned over to check the dash of his treadmill.
"I'm ready," he assured her.
Her little huff said that she wasn't sure about that. Her need to make a quick adjustment to the speed and incline of the treadmill confirmed his conclusion.
"Okay." It was her eyes. Bright and beautifully green and shining up at him that said she was satisfied.
"Well, I'm ready now, love," Killian offered with a raise of his eyebrow.
And when she offered a lift of her own eyebrow and a quick bite of her lip before she started her own treadmill, it made his heart constrict with a love he had not known. Not before her.
It was something that they could have missed out on. If they hadn't taken the leap… And that was a thought that was just as prevalent as thoughts of regret of hurting a friend. If he had to do it all over again…
Seeing her there- watching the grace and vitality and beauty of the woman beside him…
He would have chosen this life over the former every single time.
.
.
Her phone began ringing just as she pulled it and the charger from the base. Sparing it only a glance as she stuffed everything into her purse, Emma hesitated.
It was Ruby. Who had to know that either she was on her way or had realized that she was actually just outside of the building. She was only possibly minutes away from seeing her, so was answering the phone even worth it?
Emma only hesitated a second more before she gave in, only a little curious.
"I just pulled up," she told her, foregoing the greetings just in case. Her bag was behind her in the back seat. Emma twisted around, stretching her fingertips of her free hand to reach for it.
"I know." Did she sound a little irritated as well as quiet? "I saw you pull up. Don't come in yet."
It was her tone more than her warning that confused Emma.
"What are you talking about?"
She pulled back, sitting in her seat. Her eyes travelled the space of the parking lot until they locked on the building.
"Emma, Neal is here." Yes, definitely an irritated whisper. "He said he's here to talk to you before you start your shift. But, I will handle it. Just don't come inside until I do."
Neal was there? It made her track over the parking lot again. How could she believe that? Why would he come here? He came here?
About the email.
Because she hadn't returned his message. She had ignored him. She had instead went straight to Killian and told him. She had asked him his opinion on what she should do. And when he had left it in her hands, she had decided to stick to her first thought: to leave the situation be. Talking to Neal would mean continuously breaking his heart. And that wasn't her being cocky and self-assured that she mattered that much in his life. No. It was because of what he had said. Plain and simple.
And now he was inside of her job just waiting on her to come in. To have this talk.
Well, not just waiting. Because Ruby was being Ruby. She had her mind set on taking up for her friend. And her other coworkers were there. Who knew what they were doing in those same moments?
Damn.
Emma felt the tension seeping through her body. Think. Think.
"Ruby, it's not your job to handle Neal." It may not have come out as strongly and as confidently as she had wanted it to, but at least it was out. "What is he doing? Please tell me that he is being civil."
Was that Neal in the background? She couldn't tell if the murmuring of a deep voice were his or someone else's.
A coworker? Damn, there were residents there!
Why would he do this? The fact that she hadn't messaged him back wasn't good enough. Not when he showed up at her place of work!
"His being here dictates his inability at being civil," Ruby reminded her harshly. Emma could imagine that her eyes were narrowed right on his. She would be all business. "No matter if he isn't causing a disturbance yet. He says he needs to talk to you, Ems."
"Ruby…" There was only one way to take care of this.
The temperature was dropping. It was cold outside. It made her dread having to do this here even more.
"Send him out," she whispered into the phone.
"I told you to stay in the car, Emma, while I handle this!"
"Ruby! Send. Him. Out." She had to do this now while she had the audacity to do it.
Emma didn't like the person this situation had turned her into. She didn't recognize the woman who showed and felt fear in her heart. She had never been one to shy away from a confrontation- to shy away from giving her point of view on any situation. But it felt like everything that had to deal with Neal made her feel… not strong. Weak? No, that was not the right word. But… not strong. And she wanted that person back. She needed to be herself again. That meant facing this.
Ruby was hesitant in her answer. Emma knew that she didn't want them to talk. Especially in a scenario that was being forced upon her.
"Emma…" Ruby moaned. "You don't have to cater to him. Someone can call the police and get him out of here if he won't leave."
Her eyes fluttered closed at those words. It was being taken way out of context. That's not what she wanted. It wasn't what Neal needed. And it wasn't going to happen like that.
"Send him out before this turns into something that it should not."
There was a moment of intense silence. Where Emma felt the weight of her heart sinking in her chest and the heaviness of not only Ruby's breathing but her thoughts as well. Before…
"Are you sure?"
Emma knew why Ruby's words were slow and careful. She wanted to know if Emma had really thought this through. She wanted to know if this really was the best answer to the problem that lay in front of them.
And then she heard the murmurs from the other end of the phone. Ruby and- yes, she could make out the timbre of his voice…
Emma grabbed at her bag from behind her, bringing it up to her. She made her hands steady- had commanded the knowledge of what was about to happen. So she wasn't scurrying. She wasn't shaky. And when her eyes looked back out the window so that she could watch for any movement from the door, they were steady with not a shred of doubt.
She was moving swiftly. How long did it actually take for her to gather up all of her things before she felt she had everything all together? She didn't know. Sometimes it felt like seconds- that he would be here in a second. Sometimes she felt as if she had been dragging, actually taking long minutes to do the simplest of tasks.
Emma couldn't hesitate any longer. She glanced once more up towards that door- and she saw…
No- her heart began thumping immediately- she wasn't ready.
Neal.
She hadn't seen him since that morning when he told her to go. The morning she had left without reluctance, but not without regret.
Emma's hand found the door handle as she watched him. She watched as his hands slipped into his front pockets and his shoulders hunched over. And she knew that he saw her car instantly.
She didn't know if it was the firmness of her grip there on the handle or if it was the way she saw him now jogging towards her, but she felt the slipperiness of her palm now. She opened her hand wide, flexing her fingers and not thinking about the why of it all. And then she grabbed at it once more.
He was close. So…
Emma pushed the door open with a shove. She had gathered all her stuff in a pile to be taken with her, but she hesitated. She wasn't sure what to do. She didn't know how she was supposed to handle the situation.
It was with a frustrated sigh as her leg hung outside of the car that she pushed the bag and purse over onto the passenger side. Praying for sensibility in herself, she braved the chill and stepped empty-handed out of the car.
Based on the beating of her heart, seeing him walking towards her should have made her a nervous wreck. But it didn't.
For some reason, her eyes took in the figure that was running up to her. It had been quite some time. And yet, the man who would soon be next to her reminded her of the man that she had known for more than two years.
Emma watched with a bit of sadness as that jog became quick steps and eventually slow and careful steps.
Neal's eyes were on her as well. Maybe that's what had slowed him down. Maybe he was trying internalize her in the same she was trying to do.
The email came back to her just then. It was what he was going to want to talk about. And she wasn't going to have the answers that he was going to want to hear.
And, as those last steps brought him to her- where he stood no more than a foot away from her- she felt a sadness once again over the whole damned situation.
His face was blank, so what was he thinking as his looked at her?
Emma felt the widening of her eyes as she looked at the expressionless of his entire being. How? When she felt the tingles of nerves stretching over every single part of her?
"What are you doing here, Neal?" Finally. Something. And it was a soft whisper that still had a firmness to it. "This is… my job. I can't… I can't just stay out here and talk to you. And I sure as hell can't have you coming inside."
And then finally something from him.
It was because she knew him. She recognized the slight turn of his head and the way his eyelids almost lowered before he caught himself. She notice the slight turn of his lips inward. There was a hurt and a sadness there that he wanted to keep inside, but bits and pieces had slipped through.
"I emailed you, Emma." Neal's voice was gravelly as ever. Thick and quiet. And it had been a while since she'd heard it. His eyebrows raised in question then. "Did you get it? Because you never emailed me back. You didn't contact me in any way about it."
The contrast between this moment and the last moment she had seen him was so stark. But it brought back memories of their entire past.
Never let it be said that she didn't enjoy that time with him. But… it was over. Seeing him now- and knowing that in a perfect world he would be able to forgive not only her but Killian as well- only confirmed that things would never be the same.
Emma's looked past him for just a moment, the look of expectance on his face just a little bit too much for her. But when she did answer, she did so eye to eye.
"Yes, I got the email."
"Then why-"
"I didn't email you back or text you back or call you back because…" She searched for the right words as he stood there in front of her, looking intently at her as if he was searching for something. "I… didn't have the response that you wanted."
This time the sadness wasn't so easily hidden away. Neal's lips formed a single line while his eyes narrowed on her.
This. This right here. It wasn't what she wanted.
"Neal?"
She wanted to reach out to him. It wasn't the easiest thing to do, to let go of those last moments when he had been so unlike himself. When he had been nothing but nasty and hateful towards her. She hadn't held a grudge over it. She had understood. She wouldn't have deserved anything less than that show of anger. But it had left a lasting impression. One that she didn't know how to let go of…
When Neal's hand moved, it was with care and nervousness. There was a twitch in those fingers as they raised just slightly towards her.
If he touched her…
"Neal, I'm not going to be able to stay out here and talk to you," Emma said quickly. Her eyes stayed trained on that hand as it made its way even closer to her. Was he going to reach for her hand and it lay at her side?
"It was that easy for you, Emma?"
His whispered question hit her right in the heart. Because he was here and being vulnerable with her. She knew in that moment that he had not come so that he could be some disturbance to her life. He was here because every word in that email had been true: he hadn't yet moved on. And he didn't want to move on if there was a possibility for them to be them again.
So how…
Emma's tongue flicked over her lip as she watched him. He needed her. Well, he needed to have this conversation out. And he deserved it.
"Wait a minute," she said softly, backing away from him.
When he stayed unmoving, Emma turned around back to the car. She'd left everything inside. And if she did this now, she had to let them know.
Her phone sat on the top of her purse. With only a glance back at Neal, who she saw had moved a few steps closer, she found Ruby's number. She couldn't call her because she knew her friend. She would keep her on the phone and try to convince her of how she didn't owe Neal anything right now when he had showed up the way he had.
Emma texted her instead. There was only about ten minutes before her shift started. So she just needed Ruby to cover for her. To keep everything in check until she could get inside. And that was all she had said to her. Dropping the phone back onto the top of the bag, not waiting to hear a response that could have went any way, she pushed herself back out of the car.
It was the way that Neal was looking at her that made her feel a mixture of uncomfortableness, sadness, and regret. Because she read something that she thought was… hope? Maybe regret as well.
Emma closed the door as quietly as she could. He had moved even closer to her, coming around on her side of the car.
She glanced back towards the building that seemed so far away from where she was. The distance proving to feel like the distance between her and safety and security. And it shouldn't have been that way.
"Just tell me, Emma."
She turned swiftly back towards him. And he was watching her so closely.
She could see the need. But a need for what? The truth? Or for her to be with him again.
"What do you want to know, Neal?" she asked, meeting his eyes and holding his gaze.
He didn't answer immediately. His focus slid from her face to fall on each individual piece of her. Like it was his right.
Those were the things she tried to be comfortable with: giving him this moment, for however long he needed.
"I want… to know… how it happened. Emma." And then he was looking at her again. Sad eyes. Intent eyes. Greedy eyes that said he needed as much as he wanted.
"I loved you, Neal," Emma started, because it was the truth.
Maybe it was the past tense of that love that made his face scrunch up. Maybe it was the fact that she acknowledged it at all.
"I don't regret our two years together," she continued softly.
"But… it must be something that you regret because you cheated on me." It wasn't harsh. It was a statement of what he considered to be fact.
Emma felt the tightness of her own face. There was tension of her mouth, leaving her lips to pucker just so.
She thought about what he said. What was the rebuttal to that statement?
"I met Killian." And it shouldn't have been as simple as that. It really shouldn't have been. So it made a knot begin to form and tie in her belly.
"You met my best friend," Neal muttered. He took a step back then. His head shook at the ground beneath them, and there was an unamused smile that lifted his lips.
Exactly why she'd had reservations about talking to him. He wouldn't be able to understand. They would be in this stalemate over the rightness and wrongness of the whole situation.
"You met my best friend, and that changed our relationship." Neal looked back up at her then. "You do realize that I introduced you to Killian within weeks of our meeting, right? And at that time you hadn't even had the chance to fall in love with me. So how can you say that meeting him is what changed things for us?"
Valid questions. Questions that should have been easier to answer.
"I didn't say I fell in love with him," Emma reminded him, striving for things to be put into perspective. "I fell in love with you, Neal. I did."
And there was that softening from him again. As well as that hint of sadness.
"I fell in love with you, too, Emma."
There was this space between them, and it was very much needed. Because she didn't see them as being on the same page. She could see in coming off of him, his feelings for her. And at the same time, he was asking for her to make him understand her feelings for Killian.
"You're telling me that you had a thing for Killian at the same time you were falling in love with me. You're saying that our relationship was nothing but a lie. When I thought that you were in this with me the entire time. That you saw a future for us. That one day we would get married."
"Neal." Emma had to stop him there. She hadn't thought about it in those terms. She had only seen them as being on this road that was stable and constant. Without changes or interference. It just was.
"Are you sure you want to do this?" she asked him quietly. Because if they were going to have this out- right here in the parking lot to her job- she wanted to be able to get it all out and over with.
It was the way his hands dragged over his face so that only his sad eyes were visible.
"Do you understand that it's killing me not having you by my side anymore?" His hands clasped together in front of him, looking as if he was holding on for dear life. "Do you understand that I don't understand how I lost my best friend and you so suddenly? And I'm pissed, Emma! I'm pissed off that there is not a shred of me that believes I will ever forgive Killian for what he's done, but I want nothing more than to forgive you and be with you."
And she did understand. But…
Emma's eyes fluttered closed and she could do nothing but shake her head.
"Which isn't going to happen,"
She looked at him once again after hearing his words. He knew. He knew that her heart belonged to Killian. And it was over no matter how much he wished it could be different.
"So… tell me so that I can move on, Emma."
Neal. He had always been the good guy. Always. He and Killian had those similar qualities. So what was the difference? Why had she strayed and fell in love with Killian?
Her eyes became cloudy with unshed tears. She wasn't going to cry. She didn't have the right when Neal was asking this from her.
"There was never a moment prior to that month before you found out," Emma started slowly. "There was always an attraction there on my part. Killian never gave me an inkling that it was mutual. Neither one of us said anything to the other one. Or to anyone else, Neal. And I did grow to love you and I did fall in love with you."
It was his sharp intake of breath that made her pause. To give him a moment to digest everything up to that point.
She didn't know if honesty was the best thing for her next thought. If she hurt him unnecessarily…
"I was… settling in our relationship," she whispered, feeling her own heart break just a tiny bit. So what was it doing to him, as his face twisted once again in sheer pain?
"I was content in our relationship. I was fine being with you when I had feelings for someone who I thought had no interest in me. And I'm sorry about that." Because she was. She was sorry she didn't confront the whole damned thing a long time ago. But there was no way to go back now.
"You wanted him the whole time." It wasn't a question, but a statement that fell from Neal's mouth. And she saw the pain spread across every physical piece of him. "You were using me- telling me that you loved me every single day. But it wasn't true. Not really. Because what you really wanted was Killian. So you did it." His eyes locked on hers at that moment. "You told him how you felt. That part was the truth. It wasn't Killian, but you. And…" His head shook once more. "And then he couldn't keep it in either."
The day that she went to Killian's apartment to confront him about ignoring her filled her head. It was him that she always wanted. It would always be him.
Their first kiss was still a bit foggy. Her only regret was that it had come on the heels of so much alcohol consumption. When it should have been a sobering and honest moment between them after all that time of keeping it in.
"I approached Killian," Emma told him again, keeping her eyes trained on his. "And then… there was no going back. It happened really fast."
How was this supposed to go? How was this not supposed to hurt him like hell? Why was this the only way to help him get through this?
She wasn't going to go into details with him any further than she had already. She couldn't bring herself to telling him of an affair that had been far more emotional than it had been physical. She couldn't get into the fact that being with Killian had made her feel as if she could finally breathe. She wouldn't tell him that this forever thing that she had accepted with Killian had meant more to her in their brief time together than the more than two years she had been with him.
Emma watched as he began to back away from her again. His hand found his bearded cheek once again, rubbing at it fiercely.
"I'm… sorry… Neal."
"You love him."
When she thought that he was going to turn and leave her, he had made that statement. As if he wanted her to confirm it for him.
Emma knew that Killian had told him that they were in love with one another. With him standing there, small steps continually separating them all the more, made the admission to him face to face so difficult. But if she said it then maybe…
"I'm in love with Killian," she finally answered him, watching for every single significant nuance that changed in him. "My choice is him, Neal. I'm sorry that I hurt you with that. But I love him."
She didn't know what to expect from him. This wasn't a situation that she had ever been in before. Neal had surprised her to his reaction throughout every turn where he was concerned. So she didn't know what would be his next words- his next actions.
The toe of his shoe hit the step behind him, but the heel didn't. He didn't continue to step back. But she still didn't expect the quick turn where his steps fell forward quickly, rushing him back to her face to face.
Neal's hands slipped up on either side of her face, pulling her all the closer at the same time his body fell into hers.
"I didn't want to be over you, Emma."
His lips pressed against hers instantly, holding firm.
Emma felt herself stiffen at the feel of him against her. Two years. She had known this kiss for two years. And yet this…
It wasn't familiar. It wasn't… anything.
Lips to lips, firm and warm. But that was it. She didn't kiss him back She didn't let him kiss her any more than the physical presence of his lips to hers.
There hadn't been any doubt in Emma's head prior to that moment, but what it did do was solidify those feelings she had for Killian.
She wanted no one but Killian.
Emma knew the moment that Neal understood that fact, as his hands dropped away from her face.
Her eyes opened and she watched with a horror that stayed under wraps. She couldn't show it and make the situation worse than what it was.
"But it's over."
Emma nodded at his words, knowing that it wasn't an easy thing for him to admit.
"Goddammit." The muttered cursed was followed by a string of them, stepping farther and farther away from her.
"I'm sorry, Neal."
She could see it in his face: there was more that he wanted to say. She thought that it was only his restraint of not wanting to seem needy when he wasn't coming away with what he initially wanted.
So she didn't know what else to say. Nothing would seem right.
What she appreciated was that it was civil. That had been a worry of hers. What could they really take away from a conversation when they were coming from two completely different sides?
He didn't say anything else, and Emma understood. She didn't say another word as she watched him.
It was a look of regret written there. There was a look of sadness for a loss that he'd had no control over.
There was so much more that Emma could have shared with him, but now was not the time. Not when she was only yards away from her job and already late. Not when she had been ambushed into this scene with no time to prepare.
There was a part of her, while watching the way Neal stepped away from her and heading towards another direction in the lot, that wanted to make it better than it was already. But there was another part of her that felt that she had more than a little helped him on his way to being okay again.
Emma turned around to watch him for a moment longer as he got farther away from her. But she was looking back. Emma couldn't continue to look back at what was now her past.
Her eyes closed for just a moment- a moment in which she took a deep breath and moved on from everything that had just happened.
She turned around before she opened her eyes. And then she headed back to her car door.
Her work day was supposed to begin. For now- for the rest of this day- she had to put Neal and his hurt behind her. Mentally and emotionally, just as she'd done physically.