Mothering

November 2016

Post-Wedding

Before and after conversations with Emily

Hartford and Stars Hollow

Rory was going crazy. It had been a week since she told Lorelai her news and since then not a peep out of her. The week had been froth with missed connections. Rory would get up to find her mother already at work or would come home to either find her still at work or asleep. Whenever they were together, Luke was always there, and thus preoccupied with the new husband to get in a word. But Rory wasn't going to have it anymore. There was processing and then there was avoidance, and Lorelai was defiantly avoiding. They could not go on like this, so Rory went to her.

It was the end of the day at the Dragonfly. Dinner was well underway and with the guests usually going off and do their own thing in the evening, Lorelai had no place to run. Rory arrived and found her mother in her office, doing nothing in particular. "Mom," Rory said as she walked in the door, "are you ever going to talk to me?" Lorelai's face washed over with a combination of resignation and dread. "Yes, but not here, let's go home."

The two made it home, walking in the door silently and carefully, slowly hanging their purses and jackets in the entrance and then sitting down in the living room. Lorelai spoke first. "I haven't said anything to you because I don't know what to say."

"Ok" replied Rory, "how about let's just be honest. Raw emotion hit me with it."

"But that's the thing, the raw emotion is what is making me crazy." After a minute or two of silence, Lorelai was finally able to form a thought. " Raw emotion. Ok, I'm angry. I'm angry at you. And the fact that I am angry at you makes me angry at me for being angry at you."

'Yes, I can see", responded Rory, "that's some vicious cycle."

"Who's the father Rory? Is it Patrick?"

"Paul? No, it's not Paul."

"Well, unless you found someone new, or hooked up with Wookie Guy again, there's only one person I can guess."

"Yes, it's Logan."

"Does he know?"

"No"

"Is he still engaged?"

"Yes."

Lorelai started to pace the room. "This was not supposed to happen!" Lorelei shouted to no one with a passion that felt like she had been keeping her emotions in for weeks. " This! Was! Not! Suppose! To! Happen! You were not supposed to get pregnant like this! You were supposed to be together, and ready, and with a guy who was not engaged to someone else! Your life was supposed to be Christiane Amanpour, NOT Tori Spelling!"

"Well, your situation was not exactly the Wonderful World of Disney."

"Yes Rory, but I was young, oppressed, angry, lonely, and confused. I made many many immature choices at that age, but I was 16 and have an excuse. You're 33 Rory. 33 with much more life experience under your belt than I did at 16. I understand you are not perfect Rory, but I would like to think that you are a person who learns from her mistakes. We've been down this road before remember, with Dean? It may be understandable with it happening with Dean at age 19 but at 33?"

"Don't you think I know that? Don't you think I am kicking myself every day for the stupid choices I've been making lately? Do you think I want to be in this situation?"

As if she were thinking aloud Lorelai said, "This was not supposed to happen, you were supposed to have it better than me..."

"So you're mad because my situation does not fulfill the goals of your "Master Plan" for my life? Well, hello Emily?"

"Don't you bring my mother into this! This is a totally different situation! They tried to control me, I did everything I could to let you make your own way..."

"...And this is how I pay you back, right? My situation nullifies all your hard work, right?"

Again, awkward silence.

The alarm on Rory's phone went off, which Rory silences. " I was planning to go to Grandma's tonight to help her inventory the house and to write. I think it's best if we cool off. Talk tomorrow?"

"Yes" responded the deflated Lorelai.

With that Rory, turned and left the room leaving Lorelei angry, confused, and ashamed.

The next morning Rory woke up to the sun shining in her eyes. Her room at the Gilmore house had been significantly stripped down from its glory days. Gone are the luxury ornate curtains, and carefully selected tchotchke that accented the room. Now it was just the basics; bed, dresser, nightstands, and a comfy chair, all items that would soon be gone once the new owners take possession. The Gilmore house has been sold, it was the end of an era.

Rory arrived at the house the previous evening to find her grandmother going over the final list of items to be sold. Sentimental items had been inventoried and stored weeks before (her mother's china, selected painting and other art, the infamous gold leaf bar glasses, the chair she purchased as a new bride the week after she and Richard returned from their honeymoon...) Then there were the items that were to be sold or given away (basically everything from Richard's mother.) Rory claimed her grandfather's desk and chair, his books and other collections, as well as other items from his study. Where she was going to put it she had no idea, but letting it go was not an option.

Rory departed her room and went to the kitchen to find that Berta had put out a spread for breakfast. Today Emily was staging a "preview sale", a day dedicated to certain friends and associates so they could look and buy items from the house before they go to public auction. Rory's goal today was to stay in the study, write and stay out of the way. She was in no mood to make polite talk with her grandmother's crowd.

With her decaf coffee and bagel with schmear in hand, Rory set off to work only, she couldn't. Pieces of the conversation with Lorelai from the night before played over and over in her head. Before she knew it two hours had passed and all Rory had to show for it was a blank page and an empty coffee cup. Rory got up to refresh her coffee finding a gaggle of her grandmother's associates on her route to the kitchen.

"Rory! So nice to see you! How are you?" Constance Betterman exclaimed.

"I'm doing well, so nice to see you, ladies," Rory replied

"We miss you at the DAR meetings, you were always so much fun!", one of the ladies whose name Rory could not remember for the life of her added.

"Well, it's good to be missed."

"It's so sad that Emily has decided to move, so many memories in this house."

"Yes, it's the end of an era. If you please excuse me, I am working in the study. I just need to refresh my coffee. You know, deadlines."

"Well of course dear!"

Rory took her leave to the kitchen. As she filled her cup, she could not help but overhear the conversation in the other room.

"Well isn't this a find? You know who would love this? Shira Huntzberger. She's been collecting for years."

"How is she doing? Has she come out of her fog yet?"

"No, no one has seen nor heard from her. The poor dear, she was very disappointed, heartbroken in fact. She was so looking forward to that wedding, I mean from all I heard about it was going to be spectacular, the event of the year! All that planning and effort, money, and for what? For them to cancel at the last minute? What a waste."

"Well, it's better this way. Bravo for saving themselves very messy and expensive divorce."

"Still, it would have been a wonderful event. But to be honest, I didn't think it would have worked anyway. I mean you know Logan's reputation, he's not the type to settle down."

"I heard that she fell in love with her Tennis instructor and ran off with her."

Rory mind went blank. The wedding was off, the engagement had ended, Logan was now free...

An hour later, Emily knocked on the door of the study to find Rory sitting quietly in the dark.

"You know Rory," Emily said after she chided her for sitting with the light off, "We still have electricity. We're not out yet."

"Sorry grandma, I have a lot on my mind and didn't even notice."

"You've been preoccupied since you got here. What's going on?"

"It's no big deal"

"Well, if it's no big deal then you can tell me, right? I have problems believing that this is "no big deal" because a "no big deal" problem usually does not render a person into a zombie-like state. So tell me, what is going on?"

Rory could not hold it in any longer, "Grandma, I have something to tell you, please sit down."

The worried Emily immediately sat, "alright, I'm sitting."

"Grandma, I'm pregnant."

"Oh," Emily responded. In that instant, Emily begins to have an out of body experience. No longer is she there with Rory but transported back 33+ years ago sitting in this very spot, with Richard at her side, and the 4 months pregnant 16-year-old Lorelai sitting in front of her.

"I'm so sorry grandma. I know I am such as disappointment. I know I ruined everything."

The words "ruined everything" knocked Emily back to the present. Emily looked at Rory and reminded herself that this was not her daughter, but her granddaughter. That this woman, this beautiful smart, and strong woman who she loved more than anything, was 33 and not 16.

"Rory, what was there to ruin?" Emily told her granddaughter assuringly. "Now, start from the beginning. Who is the father? Is it that boy, what's his name, Pearson?"

"Paul grandma, and no it's not him." Rory took a deep breath, looked up at Emily and said, "It's Logan. Logan Huntzberger."

Shock number two. "Logan?! How?! When?!"

For the next hour, Rory and Emily sat while Rory told her everything. She told Emily the story of how she and Logan reconnected, their 'Vegas" arrangement, how that arrangement quickly fell apart. Rory also talked about her career, how her life seemed to be careening off a cliff, how confused she was.

"I miss Grandpa," Rory said, "He was always a strong base for me. I was feeling off balance before he died, but since then I've been completely untethered."

"Yes, well death has the tendency to make bad things worse. So tell me, Rory, what are you going to do? What does your mother have to say about this?"

"Nothing"

"What do you mean nothing?"

"I told mom about a week ago, and she reacted by avoiding the subject. We finally talked about it yesterday before I came here, but let's just say she is not taking it very well."

"Really," Emily stated soberly.

"Yes, she's really mad and upset. I can't talk to her about this." Emily sat silently digesting Rory's words.

"Grandma?"

"Oh, sorry, just thinking. You look tired."

"It has been an emotional day, plus it's hard to keep my eyes open these days,"

"Yes, first-trimester exhaustion. It's been a while, but I do remember it. Why don't you go upstairs, get some rest? I have an errand to run, but I'll see you for dinner."

"Sure Grandma."

"Ok. And Rory, don't worry. Everything will be alright."

Hours later Rory woke up from her nap. She made her way downstairs where she found Emily back from her errand, doing some last minute prepping for the auction. After helping Emily and having an early dinner, Rory got ready to leave.

"Thank you, Grandma, for everything," Rory said as she hugged Emily goodbye.

"Of course, I will always be here for you. Don't worry about your mother, she'll come around."

Rory gave Emily a defeated look, "I sure hope so."

Forty-five minutes later, Rory pulled up in the driveway of her childhood home to find Lorelai sitting on the front steps. Lorelai got up as Rory parked the car, quickly walking towards her. Rory was barely out of the car before her mother took her and embraced her hard.

"I'm so sorry kid."

"I'm sorry to mom"

The two were crying and then started to laugh because they are both crying. Together they walked arm and arm into the house where they sat in the kitchen, bringing out the pop tarts and leftovers and finally talked about their situation.

"...Logan and I ran into each other in a café in Hamburg about a year and a half ago. We ended up spending the day together. Nothing happened on that day, but nevertheless, we reconnected. Then about a month later I received word that I landed the Naomi Shropshire story, which took me to London..."

"...And that's when everything started again." Lorelai finished.

"Initially I didn't see it that way. We got together, but he lived in London and I lived here. He was engaged and my life was in flux. I honestly didn't think that I was ever going to see him again. To me that was closure. We decided that our time together was like being in Vegas, as is what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? But then things didn't happen the way I thought they would. We got back in touch when grandpa died. Even though he wasn't actually physically here, he was a great source of support and comfort for me..."

"So that's why you started making frequent trips to London. So it wasn't all work?"

"Oh no, it was work. It was just, I had my choice of places to work, and London was the location of choice."

"So what does this mean Rory? Are you in love with him? Isn't he getting married soon?"

"Actually he's not. I heard from Grandma's friends that they called it off ."

"Wow! Did they say why?"

"There's a rumor about her running off with her tennis instructor, but nothing concrete. Anyway, I overheard this conversation, so I was in no position to ask for details."

"So now that you know this news, what now? How do you feel about Logan?"

"I don't know. I will always love and care about him. But that next step? Full commitment? It's hard, especially now. I mean, if we were really meant to be together, why aren't we? What was/is keeping us from making that step? He never indicated that he was unhappy with Odette..."

"Well, besides the affair..." interjected Lorelai

"Fair enough. How about he never gave any indication that he was willing to give her up?"

"Hmm, ok. But now he's free."

"Yes, but I don't know how I feel. I was really dependent on him, mom. I mean really so. He was like a drug, you know? There going were so many things going wrong in my life. My career was/is tanking, I was unstable, and then grandpa dying really threw me. Being with Logan was like taking a hit. Who needs Heroin when you have Huntzberger, you know? I can't be in a relationship so imbalanced like that."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"I don't know it depends..."

"...on your decision about the pregnancy" Lorelai again finished, "so what are you thinking?"

"I don't' know." said Rory, "there are so many factors."

"This is not a logical decision Rory, this is about your gut. What does your gut say?"

'I don't know if I can trust my gut, I mean look where my gut has got me?"

"I disagree. From all you've told me, I don't think you've been listening to your gut. I think despair and desperation have been drowning out your gut. So you need to step back and ask, what would Rory Gilmore, the clearheaded, forget about the rest of the world, trust your gut Rory Gilmore do?"

"Rory Gilmore? Please please come in. " Rory and Lorelai followed the nurse into a procedure room. With Lorelai's help, Rory changes into a gown and laid down on the exam bed. While the nurse took Rory's vitals, another person in the background was fiddling around with instruments and machines.

"I appreciate you seeing me on such short notice," she said to the other person in the room.

"Well, you're lucky there was a cancellation today. Are you ready?"

"Yes," Rory replied.

Lorelai took Rory's hand, "It will be ok honey I promise."

"Ok, I want to take a deep breath and exhale slowly. You will feel a little pressure." said the nurse.

Rory closed her eyes, breathed in and exhaled. She jerked a bit feeling uncomfortable." trying to relax, she focused to the beeping sound of medical monitors.

"Ok, just a few more seconds, ok...there."

"Wow! look at that" Lorelai said in awe.

Rory opened her eyes to the sound of a steady beat. She looked over at the monitor showing the picture of a little pulsating speck.

"There's your baby's heart," Dr. Miller, her OB, said, "healthy and strong. I assume you want a printed copy ?"

"Yes", the teary-eyed Rory replied, "Yes I do."

Later that afternoon in their kitchen, Rory and Lorelai were admiring the ultrasound image.

"Baby dot," Rory said

"The cutest baby dot ever! And so intelligent!" Lorelai added.

"How do you know that?"

"A grandmother knows!"

"So is the baby going to call you grandma?"

"No, I was thinking something more regal. Queen Lorelai? Czarina Lorelai? Lorelai the Great. There so much to choose from!"

"Luckily we have time."

"So...when are you going to tell him?"

"Soon, luckily now that he's not getting married I have a bit of time to work up the courage."

"Well, don't wait too long. How about telling him right now? Give me your phone!"

"No mom, please let me do this on my own time."

Mocking rolling her eyes, "Oh, ok" Lorelai said with an encouraging smile.

Just then Luke arrived home with bags in hand, visibly excited and nervous.

"So," he asked, "how did it go?"

Lorelai gave him the ultrasound picture, "It's a dot!"

"A healthy dot! The heartbeat was strong," added Rory

"Good" Luke responded with relief. "Hungry? I brought burgers."

"What's wrong with these burgers?" asked Lorelai

'What do you mean?" answered Luke

"They're wrapped in green stuff, where are the buns?"

"I wrapped them in Collard Greens, it's better for you. Folic Acid for the baby." Luke informed Lorelai.

"And what are these? BAKED fries? They're not even fries! They're orange!"

"They're sweet potato fries" They're better for you!"

"Oh my God, and what's this?" Lorelai asked as she opens a bag full of medicine bottles.

"Those are prenatal vitamins. I was at the store and I saw them. I thought Rory could use them. There were so many kinds, and I didn't know what to get, so I bought all of them. I can take them back. I just thought it would be helpful, no big deal."

Luke took the bag and walked out of the kitchen slightly embarrassed, leaving Rory and Lorelai giggling.