AN: Content/Trigger warning for sexual assault. It is not graphic or detailed, but it is both implied and mentioned.

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8. LEGILIMENS

The next evening, Hermione felt a rush of bravery and stupidity, and made her way to Severus' quarters. If someone had asked, she would not have been able to explain herself; her feet took her as though independent from her body. All she knew was that she wanted to see him. As her breath caught in her throat, she cracked her knuckles, and knocked on his door.

"It's me", she said.

"Give me a moment."

His voice cracked on every syllable, as though he was crying. When he bid her to enter, she could see from the pink burst of blood vessels in his eyes and the pallidness of his skin - paler, if possible, than usual - that she was correct. He sat on his armchair - that damn chair where so many of their conversations and private moments had happened. She wanted to run to him. She wouldn't. She had to lock her knees together to keep her rooted in place.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yes. Fine... I am very tired."

"I can tell you've been crying so you can drop the bullshit. Tell me what happened..."

He opened his mouth and before he could protest, Hermione snapped.

"I'm not asking. This is about Bellatrix, yes?"

Severus adjusted on the chair and tightened his lips as he surveyed her.

"Yes", he snipped; his voice charged with reluctance and irritation - he did not bother to mask either.

"And what happened?"

"I went to her as planned."

"Right... and you slept with her?"

Hermione tried to keep her tone flat and indifferent.

"No" he said. "I thought I could go through with it, but I... well, I couldn't. It was of no consequence, however. I was already there, wasn't I? And she assumed that I was willing and so when I refused again... it wasn't like before. This time she decided that she would take what she wanted, whether I was willing or not. It was a game to her."

"... Oh"

His voice cracked and his black eyes became glassy.
"She made me undress."

"Made you?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose, and his head drooped; propped up by his fingers.

"Imperio" he said.

"Severus!" Hermione gasped.

He pulled himself back together with determination; drawing his shoulders upright and gritted his teeth.

"She made me touch her. She made me kiss her. She put her hands on me..."

He growled.
"... She took me in her filthy mouth."

"That's assault, Severus!"

"And Crucio, is what? A hug?"

"It's perverse... It's wrong-"

"They don't think in terms of what is right and wrong, Hermione, they only understand two things - power and hedonism. Having me... in that way... gave her both. When she cast Crucio she enjoyed herself-"

"She cast crucio- when?... Afterwards?"

He did not answer her, but the heavy bow of his head was affirmation enough.

"You can't go back there!"

"I have to."

"What if it happens again?"

"It will."

"So what will you do?"

He straightened his body on the armchair, and dried the tear that fell to his cheek. It was his turn to speak with indifference.
"I will beg her forgiveness for refusing her and tell her that I that I enjoyed myself; that I have come back for more. I guess I will simply lie back and try to have a good time."

"God, Severus. Don't joke. You don't deserve this."

"I do what I must on Dumbledore's orders."

"Dumbledore's orders?!" she spat. "Does Dumbledore have any idea what his orders are doing to you? Does he realise what he is asking you to do?" Red flashed in Hermione's eyes. "Does he know that you have become Bellatrix's plaything? Does he have even a SINGLE CLUE WHAT HE'S PUTTING YOU THROUGH?!"

"No he doesn't know", he said softly, "and he never will."

Hermione's lips trembled, and her fingers followed.

"I can't stand this. I can't take it..."

She moved closer to him and knelt right at his feet.
"Please, Severus. Don't let her..."

She placed a hand on each thigh and gently pushed herself up towards his face.
"... I don't want her to be your first" she said, and felt her eyes betray her once more, as tears stung her. "Let me..."

Snape's body stiffened in his chair.
"Don't start again with this nonsense."

Hermione felt that dangerous collaboration of courage and recklessness rise in her chest. This time she was determined; she would not run out in tears this time. She would not leave on her own volition. If he wanted her gone, then well... Hermione didn't want to entertain that possibility.

"I'll be your first" she whimpered.

The sound of her own voice sickened her. She was Hermione Granger. She didn't talk like this; she did not beg. But again the voice came.
"Please, Severus."

Snape's face darkened. His eyebrows drew together, low and full of sorrow.
"Why?"

"It's your first time. It shouldn't be like this..."

Hermione looked up at him and her words became dry as parchment, as his expression twisted into one of anger. His voice came hardly more than spittle.

"Don't you fucking pity me!"

"I do pity you" she said, and her resolve bolstered. "This whole situation is barbaric. It's disgusting, Severus and so I am sorry for you. Is that so terrible?"

"But this", he gestured at all of her, up and down, "what you're offering me, is born of pity. You do not want me. You want to save me."

"No" she said "that's not true. I do want you."

"Bullshit!"

She raised her voice in hope that she would make herself clear.
"I want you!"

Severus pulled away from her and pulled himself out of the chair. He paced the room. He wanted, of course, to thrash about, to show her that he was serious, but he had neither the energy, nor the will to do it. Hermione stood to her feet too, unable to explain why she wasn't willing to back down.

"I can prove it!"

"How?" he sneered.

"You can look, I can show you" she said, and handed him his wand from the bedside table. "See for yourself. Legilimens. See that I want you. Do it!"

"No."

His voice was cold. Hermione didn't care. If he told her to stop, she would. If he said 'no' again, she'd leave. If he told her to get the fuck out, she'd knock his shit over; maybe some valuable potions, or a nice lamp, but ultimately she would oblige.

He stopped pacing and Hermione moved towards him by the bed. He didn't move, his fists were locked in place at his sides. She moved so that she was directly in front of him and then, with a jolt of Gryffindor courage, she placed a hand on his cheek, wrapping her fingers around his jaw, and slipped the other on his chest. His heart rattled inside- pounding like it meant to do her harm.

"Is that fear?" she asked, "...your heart?"

"No" he said, defiantly.

She took one of his hands and put it to her chest. Her heart beat faster, harder, more desperately than even his. She trembled under his touch.
"Neither is this. It's desire, Severus; anticipation. So is yours."

Severus sneered.

"Tell me you don't want me," she said.

"I don't want you."

"I don't believe you. We've been skirting around our feelings for weeks. I know that you feel whatever this is between us..."

Snape looked at her, and for a moment she thought she had him- thought he'd given in. He threw his head back and seemed to lose himself. His chest heaved; he wanted her. Gods, it was obvious, he wanted her too. But-

"No!" he barked and yanked up the sleeve of his robes. His arm still connected to her chest, unwilling to let go. He showed her the putrid black mark that pulsed on his forearm. "This is what you are offering yourself to."

Hermione pulled the sleeve back down in anger. She felt bold. He had said 'no', she knew she should back down. Stop, she told herself, but a greedy voice said once more. She lifted his shirt before he could protest, exposing the scars on his belly.

"This is who I offer myself to" she said.

He tugged his shirt back down and seethed.

"Then it is pity" he spat.

"No. Not pity! I want you. Your bravery, your self sacrif-"

"You only want me because of circumstance!"

"Is it really so hard for you to believe that I could want you under different circumstances?"

"Yes!"

"Why?"

Hermione's face softened, and quickly tried to disguise it, lest it look anything like pity.

"Because I am this" he said "and you are..."

"I'm what?"

"Good."

"So are you"

"And you're young. And beautiful. And whole. You are everything that I am not".

"So you're what? Old and ugly and-"

"Broken" he snapped, "yes!"

"No" she said, defiantly, "no, Severus. Not at all".

"What a joke! That somebody like you would ever want to tie themselves to someone like me, even for a night. I do not deserve it."

"Don't say that."

She searched for the words to make him understand, and failed.

"I deserve the Bellatrix's of the world" he said, with a heavy heart, "and that it what the world has given me."

Hermione shook her head. She pushed her hands onto his chest once more and kissed him again. He didn't stop her, but neither did he kiss her back. She looked at him, and placed her thumb on his lip. She felt sadness ache in her bones.

"Severus", she pleaded and she moved to kiss him again, as she had the night before, except this time, it was different.

This time, he opened his mouth and returned the kiss. Pushing his tongue past her lips. She moved hers to meet it. Hermione felt herself as though lifted as his chest heaved. And then he did lift her. She wrapped her legs around his waist and her body crashed down on the bed. His heart still hammered behind his ribcage, and she could feel it as his body came down on hers. Their lips met, and she ran her fingers through the long black curtain of his hair. She moved so that she could get out from under him, and as she sat up, he lay back. His breath was ragged, and all it did was spur her on. She pulled off her shirt, unsure whether he had given the green light for something more. Unsure if she cared. Unsure how alike she and Bellatrix were in this moment. Was she too taking from him like a thief? The cool air brushed against her breasts and she felt her nipples peak. She could pick up the shirt, get off him and leave, she thought. She should, shouldn't she? Yet she felt that foolish, fearless lion shake its mane in her chest once more and she straddled him.

"Tell me to leave" she said. "Tell me again that you don't want me."
Hermione watched his eyes drop to her bare breasts and he groaned. He looked back up and met her fiery gaze; daring him to walk away, to send her back to her quarters. She unbuttoned his shirt and took his hand and placed it on her chest again, except this time it was all bare flesh- skin on skin. She put her hand on top of his and moved it softly downwards so that he took a handful of her breast.

"Fuck!" he bellowed and pushed her off him.

Severus stalked around the room again and Hermione fell breathless under his shadow. She sat on the edge of his bed. She knew that she should leave. She wanted to yell at him and storm out but instead she tucked her legs up under her and wrapped her arms around her knees, frozen in the shame of his rejection.

"You fucking Gryffindors always have to save the day- you have to fix people. You have hero complexes, the lot of you. So proud you lions are, of your courage. Well this is not courageous, Hermione, it's fucking tragic!"

Hermione's head snapped up. She felt dizzy and heavy from the weight of the day. She didn't want to argue; she couldn't.

"Fine" she shrugged.

"Then we are in agreement?"

"No, we're not. I'm just waiting for you to be done pouting-"

"I'M NOT!"

He winced at the sound of his own voice.
"I'm not pouting. I just- I do not want you to degrade yourself just because you pity an old fool."

"Oh, piss off! It's not pity, Severus."

"Then what is it you are offering?"

"Distraction. Friendship. Comfort."

Snape opened his mouth to protest but Hermione bulldozed through.

"Jesus, Severus! You're so pig headed. If you don't want me, that's fine. If I am going too far, I'm sorry; I will go. But if you're just being proud, then you can cut that shit out right away. I want to be with you. I want to take your hardship and share the weight with you. I thought that we could take each other's pain, and just for a moment quash it under the weight of us. I thought it might ease some of this misery and hurt."

Hermione took a deep breath. She wanted to explain how she felt without burdening him with the responsibility of her feelings. She gestured to the scars on his beautiful chest.

"I'm sorry. I just can't bear the thought of her being the first... I want to be that for you. Is that such an awful thing to offer?"

Severus blanched; his lips parted, but he did not speak.

"You were right before", she said "I do want to fix this. I want to reach into this darkness and light a candle for you. I am sorry for it. I know it offends you. But I want to fix this, not because I feel sorry for you, Severus, but because I care about you. You are simply far too paranoid and stubborn to see it."

It was then that she realised that she was appealing to the Severus Snape before her, when she needed to appeal to the Severus Snape that she knew.

"I want you for selfish reasons, too, make no mistake" she said.

His eyebrows rose - his interest piqued - as if selfish motivations were something he could finally understand.

"I want you because I am greedy and determined and... awoken. I am excited by you; you're all I think about. And you say do not want me. Which is fine... maybe you don't. Except that I think you do and you won't let yourself."

"Hermione, I can't... I don't-"

"It's fine. You don't owe me an explanation. I'm sure you have your reasons. I have embarrassed myself. I'm sorry-"

Severus dropped at her feet, taking her hands in his.
"No" he said "Gods! No don't be."

"I have been foolish. I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry, Hermione. Truthfully, I do not mean to hurt you. I certainly don't want to make you feel like a fool- I just... I don't understand. I've never experienced anything like this before. I've had no family to care for me; no lover to console me. I've no friends to reassure me. I have nobody, Hermione, except Minerva, who is good to me, but she will always keep me at arm's length. There is Albus, who has sent me on this horrid mission so I can hardly look him in the eye. And then there is you, of course. You have become of great comfort to me. As much as it pains me to admit it, I have come to see you as a true friend. And I understand now that the feeling is mutual. I do not want to take advantage of this situation and do irreparable damage to the only relationship I have that is worth a damn. So... I am reluctant."

"Okay..."

Snape's lips were a straight line.

"... Okay" Hermione repeated, "I'm sorry. I understand."

"I am reluctant", he reiterated, "but please do not mistake that for disinterest. I am a desperate man, and you are a beautiful, brilliant woman."

He put his hand on the side of her face and his thumb wiped her tears. He slid his fingers back behind her ear and his large hands closed as though trying to take a possessive handful of her. Talk about mixed signals, Hermione thought as she opened her eyes and looked at him. His eyes were greedy and it sparked a fire in her stomach in spite of herself.

"Please do not feel embarrassed- I feel so very lucky to be the object of your affection tonight - I am truly warm with the idea of it. The thought of being with you is... It's intoxicating, please believe me. But I would only disappoint you. I believe your sentiment is subject to this awful circumstance. I fear you would wake up and regret having taken to bed with a gargoyle- just as hard, just as cold and just as grotesque."

"Is that how you see yourself? That's not who I see."

"Bah!"

"Severus, you can be rude and mean. You are somehow simultaneously as cranky as a man twice your age, and prone to the odd temper tantrum, like a child. All of this is true. But you're also strong and brave and sharp and-"

"I'm ugly."

His voice cracked and his chest shook, and all at once, he was as a child desperate to be loved, and a man who needed to be seen.

"No, Severus. You're not."

Hermione pulled her body upright and placed her legs on the floor. She took his heavy hands and placed them on her bare waist. She lifted his head by the chin and kissed him- a single kiss that she hoped might tell him what she had been trying to say all night, but couldn't word in a way for him to understand.

"I have heard what you have said and still I want you-"

His gaze became a stare and then he kissed her back- hard and furious. He ran his hands up her sides so that they lingered at her chest.

"Hermione?"

"I will still want you tomorrow, just as I wanted you yesterday; just as I want you now. You do not understand what you have done to me-"

He looked uncertain. Hermione's body ached with longing. She could physically feel the absence of his touch. She yearned for him- burning in all the places he could touch her, all the places she was desperate to feel his hands, his mouth, his body. Snape's eyebrows furrowed deeper than she'd ever seen them, lost in a battle of wills between sense and desire. She could feel it. Both metaphorically in the thickness in the air between them, and literally in the hardness of his erection between her legs. He wanted her. All he had to do was let himself.

"Let me show you how much I want you", Hermione said. "I can show you what you do to me, Severus-"

"I shouldn't."

His face was pained. His eyebrows drew together as he took part in a silent battle between decency and desperation.
"It's not right."

Hermione took his hand to her mouth, and wrapped her lips around his index finger. He groaned, and she felt him twitch beneath her.

"You really want me?" he asked, disbelief caught his throat.

"Desperately."

His chest rose and fell, and his head lolled back. She kissed the taut flesh of his neck. He pulled away and locked his hungry eyes on hers.
"Fuck it!" he said, snatching his wand from the table. "Show me."

Hermione gathered her thoughts as Severus placed the tip of his wand to her temple. His face was gentle as he waited for her nod of consent.

"Legilimens."

She pushed her thoughts, her memories, towards him. She didn't want him to have to search; she wanted him to see plainly, to understand. She pushed forward the first time she heard his laugh, and the ripple of pleasure that it had sent through her. She gave him the memory of the first time she considered what he might look like under his clothes. She showed him the feeling of his body pressed behind her, as he fiercely protected her friend. She relinquished the memory of the night they had shared his bed, taking in the glorious sight of his nakedness. She had stolen it, she thought. Snatched it. Just like Bellatrix.

Severus took in a quick sharp breath, and she knew from the look on his face that she'd accidentally allowed him to have that thought too. She gave him how she had felt when he'd first kissed her- let him take the shiver of anticipation before he touched her chest. She thrust forward the thrill of his heart beating for her. She searched, and gave him a secret. She let him watch her, undressed, buried in her sheets- two of her fingers deep inside her, her thumb moving in gentle circles, punctuated by a flick each time the circle met its end and beginning. She wanted him to see what he did to her; what she did when she thought about him, and what he could do to her if he just... let... go.

He lowered his wand, never taking his eyes off her.
"Right. Well... Fuck" he whispered.

"Put your hands on me."

"Hermione..."

Snape's his voice was breathy, almost a pant.

"Severus. Put your hands-"

He gave a small gasp as he cupped both her breasts. With his thumbs, he touched her nipples and she let out a sigh of satisfaction.

Yes!

Hermione pulled his shirt over his head, foregoing the fuss of buttons. She ran her hands across the grooves of his chest, which was firm and defined under her fingertips. She placed a kiss on his shoulder and gently ran her nails up his spine with both hands, and then pulled them back down to his tailbone. His body shivered in response and Hermione felt a swell of pride. Encouraged by a moan of enjoyment, Hermione unbuckled his belt and tugged his trousers down. He kicked them off and he stood in his entirety before her. She took his staff in her hand and marvelled at his reaction. She began to work him, looking up at his face- that beautiful shadow.

She couldn't help but understand Bellatrix's fascination with the man after feeling the size of him, the sense of him, full in her hand. The thought of Bellatrix triggered a wave of sadness that seemed to flow through her, down through her hand and into Severus. He stared at her; his breathing had shallowed- she recognised it immediately. Fear. No, not just fear. Panic. His breath all but stopped. Hermione released her grip, showing him her palms in surrender. She carefully moved both of her hands and rested them on Snape's face; she cradled it and tried to catch his gaze.

"Hey. Look at me", she said, "Severus, look at me."

He obeyed.

"You're okay. You're safe. We don't have to do anything-"

He shook his head.
"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm afraid?"

"'Of me? Of this?"

"No. Not you."

"Bellatrix?" she gambled.

He nodded.
"It feels wrong, what you're doing to me- what I want to do to you - like it's tainted by what she did."

"What? No? I'm sorry. I didn't think."

She pulled herself away from him, recoiling into herself.
"Oh shit", she said, and then she raised her voice as she truly realised the weight of the situation. "OH, SHIT!"

"I just feel confused", he said, in a voice so pathetic, Hermione hardly recognised it as his. "I want to give you what you want-"

"No, Severus!"

Hermione hung her head in shame, and an all-consuming sadness crashed down on to her. Her body sagged under its power.

"God, no! It's me. I wasn't thinking. I didn't fucking think. I'm such an idiot. You're fucking..."

She didn't want to say 'traumatised'. It was accurate, she thought, but to say it would be to neuter him right there.

"You're... going through... all of this", she said, "... and I'm throwing myself at you. It didn't click. I'm so sorry. Severus, if you're not ready or you're not comfortable-"

His breathing had begun to relax, and he even cracked what was almost a smile.

"Believe me, I am ready."

"But you're uncomfortable?"

"You said this will comfort me-"

"Not if you don't want it."

"I want it. God knows I want it."

"But it's too much? We don't have to do anything tonight. We can hang out, or I can leave if you'd prefer?"

He grabbed hold of her waist and crushed his bony fingers into her skin.
"No don't leave me!"

Hermione moved onto the bed and pulled him down next to her. She held his shaking body in her arms and cursed that wretched lion in her chest.

"That's okay", she said in earnest as she stroked his hair. "I will stay."

She lay beside him, until his heaving body fell heavy with sleep. She stroked his cheek and curled her form around his.

"I'm so sorry" she whispered and let her tears fall freely down her face.

AN: Sorry if I gave you blue balls.