9. SOMETHING STUPID

Hermione pounded on Lavender's door until she opened; a towel pulled around her wet body, a scowl on her usually lovely face.
"Somebody better be dying, Mimi!"

Hermione ignored her and pushed past into her quarters. She paced the room and Lavender stared at her before her scowl fell to concern.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Okay", Hermione said, still pacing "I need advice... I did something stupid."

"How stupid?"

Hermione stopped in her tracks.
"That depends how stupid it is to almost have sex with a professor who is supposed to be training you..."

Lavender's eyes widened and her mouth split open in a shocked grin.
"I knew you weren't a prude!"

Then Lavender's eyes narrowed as comprehension drew in.
"Hang on. The professors teaching you are Slughorn and Snape... I swear TO GOD, Hermione; you'd better be talking about Slughorn..."

Hermione pursed her lips and then flashed a guilty smile.
"MIMI! Nooo!"

"Lavender! Yes." Hermione said defiantly.

"Oh Gods! Oh... gods! Really? Snape?"

Hermione felt a rush of protective snark build.
"Yes. Really. Snape."

"Oh Gods. Is that why he was being so weird when we went to Hogsmeade?"

"We hadn't done anything then, but, we'd gotten close, I guess?"

Lavender let out a breath of air.
"Wow" she said, bemused, "I did not see that coming."

"Me neither."

"Okay, so tell me about it?" Lavender said, pulling herself onto her bed.

She grabbed a fluffy pink cushion and dropped it in her lap. She squeezed it and tapped the bed three times next to her. Hermione threw herself back and stared at the lemon drapes of the four poster bed.

"I can't tell you everything, but he's going through something awful."

"You can tell me anything you want, I won't say a word."

"I trust you Lavender, I just won't tell his secrets. Plus I'm worried if I said too much I'd end up breaking Dumbledore's vow."

"Right, so it's something to do with You Know Who... Got it! This is why I didn't take that ridiculous vow. I'd let it slip by accident and drop dead."

"I know you would," Hermione said. "Anyway. Back to my stupidity, please?"

"Right you are."

"Well, I kind of threw myself at him, in a bid to comfort him because... of the thing he's going through..."

Lavender laughed.
"Ah! Pity sex. That makes more sense."

"Jesus. You're as bad as him. No! Not pity sex. There's been this weird vibe between us for weeks now. I really like him, Lavender. He was stood there with his bloody pants round his ankles and then he freaked out and backed off and now I don't think he'll ever want to touch me again. And God, I want him to touch me again."

"What's he like? Is his hair as greasy as it looks? Is he... y'know... big? Is it all slimy?"

"Lavender!"

"Right" she said, solemnly, "I know. Serious talk. Listen, he'd be mad not to want you, because honestly I can't imagine that he gets an opportunity like that every day."

"Sure, but the thing he's going through... it's huge. I know that I need to be there for him, but I just want to- I'm so selfish. I just want ... AGH!"

Hermione kicked her legs in frustration and made another strangled sound.

"Oh my Gods. You are smitten!"

Hermione dropped her head to the right so that she could look at Lavender. She nodded gently and stuck her bottom lip out facetiously.

"Wow... from Ron to Snape. Well, at least nobody can say you have a type."

"Help me!"

"What can you do? It's probably not advisable to start carrying on with someone you work under. It's not like you could just go to Dumbledore and say 'hey, so, is it against school policy if I bang another member of staff? Why do I ask? Oh, no reason.'"

Hermione put her hands over her face and flushed red.
"God, don't!"

Hermione pulled herself up and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Seriously though. I think he needs me, not that he'd ever admit it, and I want to be his friend and his support system, but I have all these feelings and they're getting in the way of my ability to do that. Last night, I wanted him so much that I didn't even realise he wasn't into it. I completely missed the severity of the situation."

"What happened when you realised that he wasn't into it?"

"I stopped..."

"Exactly! You're not an animal. When you recognised there was a problem you did what you could to fix it. Now you know there's something to be cautious of, so you just have to be aware of it in the future... Just back off and let him come to you when he's ready."

"And if he's never ready?"

"Then just keep your knickers on and be his friend. It sounds like he needs one."

"I just wish he'd let me help him."

Lavender sighed.
"I imagine it would take a Snape at rock bottom to admit that he needs help."

"You're right, of course. I guess I'll just be there for him in whatever capacity he needs me to be. And I'll just have to help him whether or not he wants it."

"Right, but just try not lose yourself, okay?"

Hermione looked puzzled.
"What do you mean?"

"Remember you told me about your relationship with Ron, and how you ended up pretending to be totally fine with things that absolutely drove you up the wall?"

"Yeah."

"And you did everything you could to make him happy and you put your needs on the back burner. You were planning to have his child for Gods sakes. At twenty, Hermione!"

"Lavender, don't..."

Hermione's eyes swelled with tears.
"I'm sorry", Lavender said, taking Hermione's hand and then pulling her into an embrace, taking an accidental mouthful of her curly hair. Still, Lavender allowed Hermione to stay there in her arms as long as she felt comfortable. When she broke away, Lavender held her hand tight.

"I'm just saying" Lavender said gently, "if you're going to be there for him, in 'whatever capacity he needs', just make sure that you're still doing what's best for you. You're selfless to a fault, sometimes. You need to be sure that you're putting your needs above his - or at least - on the same level. Do not make him a project, Mimi, okay? He's not a fucking house elf."

Hermione nodded and pulled Lavender back in for another hug. She pulled away and nodded, then dried her red eyes.
"Thank you, Lavender. I'm really glad that we're friends."
"I am too. I feel lucky, you know, to have so many incredibly protective friends and colleagues. So don't tell anyone, but you're my favourite, Mimi. I want you to be happy. I hope that you find happiness... if you find it with Snape, I'll be nice, I promise."

Hermione let out a gentle laugh.
"Thank you."

"And assuming you do speak to Snape again...", Lavender said, "... will you tell him that I thank him for what he did at The Three Broomsticks. I don't know exactly what happened but I feel as though I owe him my gratitude."

"I will."

"Now", Lavender said, stepping up from her bed and readjusting her towel, "if you don't mind, I'm going to put some bloody clothes on before I catch my death of cold, or Katie shows up and thinks we're a couple..."

"Hey! You could do a lot worse than me", Hermione said.

"I have done a lot worse and you know it!"

Lavender winked and they both shared in the comfort of their laughter. It felt like a long time since she had laughed. It had been with Severus, that night after The Three Broomsticks. How had things changed so much in just a couple of weeks? The world was upside down. Would anything feel normal ever again?

Shell Cottage
Order of the Phoenix Meeting

Hermione apparated onto the white sand beach just far enough from Shell Cottage that she could whisper words of encouragement to herself and pull herself together. It would be awkward enough having to see Severus after their night together, but she would also have to see Ron. She was stuck with anguish. Not just Ron, she thought, but his wife. She had forgotten, if only for a moment, that Ron was married to somebody else. She had been invited to the wedding but it hadn't seemed right. Not only would it be awful to be there as an ex-girlfriend, and not-really-friend, but it was so soon - they were dating, engaged and then married within a year of Hermione and Ron's break up. Juliette Dubois was a friend of Fleur's - a witch from Beauxbatons. Juliette Weasley, she corrected herself. She would be here, wouldn't she? She had been inducted into The Order just days before she and Ron got married. She had even agreed to take the unbreakable vow. Therefore she knew everything and so she would be here for this private meeting among those in the know.

Hermione wondered aloud in a series of mutters, how she was going to handle the two sticky situations. Before she settled on the best approach, she caught sight of a flurry of flaming red to her right. She turned to face Ginny - it had been three weeks since the last Order meeting, which was the last time they'd spoken. This was supposed to be her best friend, yet they had all but fallen out of contact since Hermione and Ron broke up. Ginny approached and opened her arms to greet her. Even now, even though everything was different, Ginny still treated her as though nothing had changed. She was so grateful for this small mercy. With a crack Harry apparated just feet from them.

Hermione pulled out of her embrace with Ginny. Her swollen belly made it more and more difficult to welcome each other in this way.

"I swear, Ginny, every time I see you, you're carrying an extra baby. Just how many do you have in there now?"

Ginny laughed.
"Still just the one."

"Well, you look incredible", Hermione said, flicking a lock of hair between her fingers.

Harry spoke then.
"Alright, Hermione?"
He too opened his arms to greet her.

"Do you know what this meeting is about?" Hermione asked.

Both Harry and Ginny shook their heads.

"You'd think he'd tell me - being the chosen one and all - but nope. I don't know anything." Harry said, and spotting Remus and Tonks apparating hand in hand, with his godson in tow, he excused himself.

"How are you doing?" Ginny asked, now that they were alone.

"Yeah, I'm doing okay, thank you... how are you?"

"Can't complain. Except this little bugger thinks it's such fun to keep me up all night. Not too long though now and he'll scream at me instead of kicking me in the bladder. I can't wait -" Ginny stopped herself when she saw Hermione's face drop.

"Oh" she said "Gods! I'm being insensitive"

"No, it's fine, honestly" Hermione said, shaking her head as though she could physically expel the memories that clouded her.

"I'm sorry I've been out of touch", Ginny said, "I've had a lot on, you know?"

"I know. I've not made any effort, either. I'm so busy training that I hardly get a moment to myself."

Ginny stifled a laugh and Hermione didn't like the sound of it.
"I heard about your excursion with Lavender Brown into Hogsmeade."

"How did you hear about that?" Hermione asked. "It was hardly front page news."

Ginny shrugged.
"You're right; I think it was on page 23 actually."

Hermione groaned.
"Really?"

"Yep. Skeeter's back"

"Brilliant!" Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, so. Maybe next time you have a night off you should come visit me instead. I know it's got to be pretty boring hanging out with me nowadays, but..."

"Ginny, come on. It's not like that. It's just awkward, and you know it..."

"It's only awkward because you make it awkward. I'm always here for you." Ginny said with finality. "Now, come on, we should get in. The meeting is about to start."

Inside Shell Cottage, she was greeted with enthusiasm by Molly who threw her arms around Hermione like they hadn't seen each other for years. Molly fussed over how skinny she thought Hermione was looking and intimated that she would be sending an owl with a care package full of home cooked meals by day's end. Arthur patted Hermione on the shoulder and urged her into the living room. She took note of Dumbledore who stood in the centre of the room by the fireplace as he often did. The fire roared and Hermione wanted to get close to it, but as she stepped towards it she saw the shock of red hair and long legs of Ron. She smiled politely at him and he turned to the pretty brunette next to him. She wore a burgundy dress that flattered her small frame.

"Hermione", Ron said stiffly. "This is Juliette, my wife."

"Hi, hello..." Hermione said tentatively, "it's nice to finally meet you properly."

Just then, Dumbledore coughed and everyone settled into the silence. Oh thank God! she thought, and she stepped backwards, cautiously towards the doorframe. She hung there, listening to Dumbledore's news. It wasn't news to her, however. He was informing those who had taken the vow that they had located the cup. Hermione traced the room for a sign of Severus, but she couldn't see him. It wasn't like he could hide his bat-like form - tall and imposing as it was - and so she resigned herself with the thought that thankfully, she could at least avoid one awkward confrontation. She had only just thought this, however, when she heard faint footsteps behind her. She recognised his energy immediately. Snape had arrived. He stepped towards her, so close he could almost touch her. She didn't turn to face him. She just continued to act as though whatever Dumbledore was rambling about was terribly interesting.

Hermione tried to concentrate on Albus' words, but her attention kept shifting to the man behind her. A sting of anticipation buzzed through her, as though her body knew before she did that Severus' cold hand was at her waist. She stirred as he lifted her jumper just a fraction and met her skin. He rubbed small circles and she prickled under his touch. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to focus solely on his hands. Hermione's eyes shot open and scanned the faces in the room- everyone's attention was on Dumbledore, but she thought for a moment that she saw Albus' gaze drop to where Severus' hand stroked her skin. She tried not to make a sound, but found that to do so, she could hardly breathe. Hermione felt Snape's arm come around her belly, just as Kingsley's large frame moved in front of her from her left, shielding her from the eyes in the room. She wondered for a moment if he'd been imperiused, because then Snape's hand swept up her jumper and rested just below the curve of her breast. She felt his lips at her ear, and then he kissed her neck. She took a sharp intake of breath and Severus swiftly dropped his hand and stepped back.

Kingsley turned and moved aside, and all faces turned to stare at them. Severus nodded.

"Sorry I'm late" he said, in his typical drawl "did I miss anything?"

Albus pursed his lips, as though to keep from smiling.
"No Severus. Nothing that you don't already know."

"Why does he already know?" Ron asked sorely.

"Because, Mister Weasley, it was he who located the cup."

Snape nodded again, this time more skeptically. Harry and Ron both pulled the same face- somewhere between disapproval and surprise.

Hermione looked behind her and then stepped aside so that Snape could move into the room. Reluctantly he did so. He stood just in front of her and Dumbledore carried on with the meeting. Hermione felt the temptation to find his flesh as he had found hers, but she would have to physically crawl under his robes to find some. She giggled to herself and watched as Snape shifted his body so that he leant against the door frame. She saw then, that he had dropped his open hand behind his back, in such a way that she could take it and they wouldn't be seen. She nervously moved a step closer and placed her small hand in his larger one. He closed it around her.

"Isn't that right, Severus?" Dumbledore said.

Hermione looked up and awaited his response, hoping that it might indicate what in fact the question had been.

"Yes, I should have it soon. I know where to find it so I know where to look. I can't just take it, and we should probably be ready to make our move before I do take it. I am keeping my eye on it, though."

"Why can't you just take it?" Harry asked, his eyes narrowed, as they always were when he spoke to his old potions professor.

Snape snatched his hand out of Hermione's and surged into the room in a beautiful flurry of all that unnecessary dark cloth. He looked much better without it, she thought. Although, it did have its charm. Stop it, she told herself, pay attention.

"Because, Potter" he snarled "if they discover it to be missing, I am the first person that they would suspect."

"Or you won't take it because you have no intention of taking it?"

"What exactly are you insinuating?"

"I'm not insinuating anything. I'm saying... plainly... for everyone here to witness... that I don't trust you and I find it maddening that Dumbledore does".

He turned to Albus and said softly, "sorry, Sir."

"You are entitled to your doubts, Harry, but I trust Severus implicitly and I would like it if you could try to do the same."

"But he's in Voldemort's pocket, isn't he? He says that he can't take the cup because he'll be found out? So what? You'd protect him wouldn't you?"

"If I am found out then I will not be of use to any of you, because I would be dead, I fear. And I'm sorry if I won't be quick to put all of my faith in Dumbledore's protection".

He turned to Albus and in an imitation of Harry he said, "Sorry... Sir."

"Oh piss off, Snape!" Harry snapped.

"Listen here, you arrogant little toerag. It is me that-"

Dumbledore clapped his hands together in a single gesture of calling their attention.
"That's quite enough, both of you."

He turned to Harry with a patient smile.

"Harry, we must destroy the horcruxes without his knowledge", he said. "If Severus simply takes it then they will know what we are seeking."

"Right", Harry said. "Well, can't we make a fake to replace it?"

"And I will", Severus growled, "but first I need to see the damn thing to know what the fake should look like. We only have renderings of the cup- are you following along, Potter? I could simply cross my fingers, take a guess and risk all our lives if you'd prefer? Isn't that your preferred method of doing things?"

Harry ground his teeth and Hermione had to bite her tongue.
"So you've not found it? Not really."

"It is in the Lestrange's Manor. I am working on it."

"How do you know that's where it is?" Harry asked, suspiciously.

"Primarily, because I have heard The Dark Lord talk of it-"

Harry shot to his feet.

"See! Did you hear that? 'The Dark Lord' ... he respects him."

"You would do well to respect him too, Potter", Severus snarled. "You haven't even the slightest idea of what he is capable, and as for things you do not know, you have no idea the trouble I am going to find it".

Hermione grabbed Severus' outstretched hand tightly and traced figured in his palm with her thumb. She felt Snape's livid breathing slow to an irritable hum.

"Why should we trust you?" Harry asked, who was still raging.

"Because-"

"Because he's telling the truth" Hermione interjected.

Snape swung round to her.
"I don't need you to fight my battles with Potter" he said, sourly.

"I know you don't" she said kindly, "but perhaps Harry would feel better if he had a reason to trust you? If he knew what made you switch sides in the first-?"

Snape shot Hermione a warning glance and she understood that she'd overstepped.
"Okay, sorry" she said quietly.

He nodded, but the scowl on his face remained.

"Harry" Dumbledore said "I have my reasons to trust him."

"I understand that, Professor, but we all feel a little-"

"Hey! Don't drag us into this" George said with an irritated rumble.

"I trust him too", Hermione added. "I know you have your reservations, Harry, but-"

Ron's voice joined then.
"So you're on his side now?"

"I think you'll find that we're all on the same side."

"Maybe... but you had your reservations too, 'Mione, if you recall?"

Severus turned to look at her and his mouth twisted - was he annoyed? ... Hurt? Hermione felt her fingers tingle. She wanted to reach out and take his hand again to assure him that she didn't have doubts any more. He knew that, didn't he?

"You're right, I did question his loyalty. A long time ago. I don't anymore."

Ron gave her what she supposed was meant to be a meaningful look, only for her, but Hermione hadn't a clue what the meaning was.

"What changed?" Ron asked.

"He has", she said gently.

"Ha!" he spat. "Rubbish."

Hermione raised her eyebrows in defiance.

"What the hell happened to you, 'Mione?" he asked, his voice full of venom. "I swear, you used to be smarter than us. Have you gone mental again? Is that what this is? Have you actually lost your mind for real this time? Or have you gone soft? He's exactly the same rotten bastard he's always been."

"If that's the case, then perhaps the person who has changed is me."

"Ha! That's an understatement" Ron snarled. "We all saw you in The Daily Prophet, running around Hogsmeade with Lavender of all people, with next to no clothes on, making a fool of yourself... You're right. You have changed."

"You want to watch your tongue, Weasley" Snape hissed.

Hermione turned sharply to face Dumbledore.
"Sir, if it's okay, I would like to leave?"

"Yes, of course, Miss Granger" he said kindly "Severus can catch you up, I'm sure."

"Hermione? Come off it" Ron said, a tone of guilt in his voice. "Don't be like that."

She felt her eyes flush again, and then growled at herself in frustration. She was so sick of crying. So sick of feeling like nothing in the world made sense. Nothing except Severus. Which meant that, yep, the world was definitely upside down and back to front and she couldn't stand it. All eyes were on Hermione now and she knew that they'd seen her tears. That knowledge only served to make her more angry. She turned her back on the room and began to march towards the door, her face in her hands.

"Albus, might I escort he her back to the castle?" Snape said.

"Minerva, will you relay the information to-?"

"Of course. Go, Severus!" McGonagall urged.

Snape turned, and in a flurry of his cloak, he left. He stalked towards Hermione who was pacing down to the beach. She took his hand and walked down the slope, heading towards the water. He put his arm around her waist again - this time in an act of protection.

"Would you like to head back to the castle?"

She shook her head.
"I want to stand by the ocean", she said, "just for a minute or two. If that's okay?"

"Would you like to..." he cleared his throat and broke eye contact. "Would you like to talk about what happened in there?"

"I don't like the way they talk to you."

"I've heard worse. I wondered if you wanted to talk about what was said to you?"

"Not right now."

She approached the crashing waves and enjoyed the white fracture of the water hitting the shore. She sat on the sand and mindlessly ran her hands across it, taking fistfuls and watching it fall through her fingers. Snape took to the ground next to her; in all black against the white sand, he looked like an oil spill on the waterfront. She cautiously dropped her head onto his shoulder. He swept his arm around her shoulders, and ran his hands up and down her arms in comfort. He looked back to the cottage, to see if anyone was watching them, she assumed, and then he shrugged; she realised to her surprise, that he didn't care if they were.