Chapter 7

Mori wished that he woke up to a hangover. But instead, he woke up to startlingly vivid memories of the night before. He shifted under the covers of his bed, already feeling the sunlight penetrating through the room, urging him to wake up. He had readings to do. He had an essay to write. He had work.

But all he could think about was her hair, and how it had a hint of jasmine when he buried his face into it. How she comfortably tucked against his body in the cold. How patient she was the night before, guiding him back home and making sure he got home safe.

And then it hit him.

The embarrassing things he said. Orbits.

He groaned into his pillow. What the hell was that?

You'll find your purpose someday, Takashi. Maybe not today, but someday.

She told him what he told her once before. She remembered. It meant that she actually got his text he sent months ago, after not being able to sleep the night before. She never replied, and Mori chalked it up to being busy. Or maybe she didn't give him the right number. Or she just had better things to do. She was out there, she was orbiting far away, while shining and showing neighbouring planets her beauty. Hana couldn't have possibly taken the time to send back a text to a nobody.

Mori pulled the covers over his head. He couldn't get her out of his mind.

And it wasn't that she was just pretty. Sure, he had seen pretty girls before. Hell, he could've even considered Haruhi to be pretty to a degree.

But beyond the physical features, beyond the heavy makeup and flashing lights she was used to – he saw her smile and greet everyone with such sincerity. She wasn't as naïve as people saw her to be. She was intelligent. She was thoughtful. She was everything that nobody thought she could be. She shined brighter and brighter – and it wasn't even that he saw her as being incredible. It was everything she was, how she treated him, how she made him feel inside.

It was completely irrational.

His phone vibrated loudly on the night table, easily catching him off guard from his swirling thoughts. He grabbed the device only to see a text.

Are you feeling okay today? - Hana

His fingers had a mind of its own to quickly text back fine.

Ojii-san wants to know if you want to train with us today during the afternoon.

Mori blinked. He had work to do. He had an essay to write. He had readings to do. He—

I'll be there, he texted.

Mori cursed in his head, and dropped the phone on his face.

"What are you grinning about?" Hana's grandfather narrowed his eyes at his granddaughter who was busy typing away on her phone. Sawada never saw his granddaughter with a silly grin like that since she was a small child. Lately, the past few years had been her giving small smiles and worried looks instead of the happy child he remembered best.

"Nothing," Hana waved off.

"Is the kid coming or not?" her grandfather asked. Hana looked up from the screen and nodded, with the grin still plastered on her face.

Sawada looked at his granddaughter suspiciously. The girl quickly contorted her mouth into a thin line before changing the subject.

"I'll… do some chores around the house before Takashi comes around then." Hana quietly excused herself and avoided her grandfather's impending interrogation.

She had her heart beating so fast, it felt like she had completed a 10 km run or finished boxing with her grandfather on a regular training day. But instead of feeling like hurling, or wanting to collapse, she felt as though she was at the top of a mountain.

It was just a hug.
It was also cold last night. He was just trying to be nice.
He probably forgot all about it.

Hana cleaned up the kitchen space, scrubbing down the stove for a couple minutes before breaking out into a silly grin.

He was drunk. He was totally drunk, red cheeks and all.

She wondered what he would have been like had he drank another shot. Or maybe a couple more. But she would have been there to take care of him, regardless.

A few hours later, they found themselves at the dojo. Kaina had come along, as she usually would for her regular walk.

Hana changed out of her sweater and jeans into workout clothes, and Mori was in the midst of taking off his wind breaker to reveal his regular t-shirt and sweatpants. When the two were ready for the usual exercises, the elder Sawada gestured for the dog to come over.

"I have to take this little shit to the vet," the elder explained, rolling its eyes at the dog. "Tedious animal needs vaccines or whatever. So you two train each other. I'll be back in a few hours."

The young adults turned to each other, both confused after being left abruptly by Hana's grandfather. They looked at one another, both unsure of how to begin without their usual trainer to bark orders at them. Both were taught from a young age to obey, not lead.

"I'd rather go for a run than have to throw punches at you," Hana grinned. "But the weather is a little too cold for that."

Mori nodded, agreeing with her statement. He watched as Hana approached the mat, sitting down on the floor and invited him to do the same. Hana stretched her body, first her legs that sprawled across the ground and later her back while she plopped herself the floor while her legs were apart.

Takashi joined her on the mat, curiously observing her next move while he sat nearby.

"Do you have any work to do, Takashi?"

An essay due after the break. 5 chapters of reading. An assignment to double-check before submitting.

"No," he answered.

Hana looked at him suspiciously. He was careful to keep a neutral expression.

"Please don't ever feel obligated to spend time with me, or my grandfather if you have other work to do, Takashi. It isn't necessary and I would hate to have your academics to—"
"—It's fine," he cut her off. She had gotten used to that phrase coming out of his mouth. Hana frowned for a second, and decided not to pry.

"How's work?" Mori diverted the topic to her instead of himself. The model looked at him out of surprise, she hadn't expected him to ask about that of all things. She shrugged and gave a small smile.

"Same old. I'm booked for Tokyo Fashion Week in March. Another shoot has been scheduled for me in Singapore in April…"

Hana Sawada had become a sensation in East Asia recently, with more offers than ever now that she was a little older and recognizable. And yet, every time they met, Hana was the same. Takashi would have been lying if he forgot she was a model every time he met her, but she never flaunted her occupation.

"How about university?" Takashi tried his best to keep the conversation going, even though he was running out of topics quickly.

"Stern at NYU for finance is the goal," Hana smiled. "Though, I wouldn't mind LSE in London for global development."

"Those are quite far," he observed. They were competitive schools that were also halfway across the world. She was ambitious. Hardly anyone knew that. Mori nodded in acknowledgement, admiring her.

"Tokyo… feels suffocating sometimes," Hana admitted. "Although I suppose New York and London are equally crowded. Sometimes it feels like I have no reason to come back to Tokyo, except for Hiro and my grandfather."

Mori nodded.

"And you," Hana quickly added, before looking down at her legs that were crossed. "It's always nice to see you around."

Takashi instinctively shifted closer to her on the mat, waiting for her to turn around to look at him. The silence eventually got to her to the point where she wanted to sneak a quick glance at him, but instead he had crept up beside her, giving her a small smile.

"Same," Mori whispered when their gazes met.

Hana returned the same expression he had. A small smile, a relaxed gaze while she got lost in his eyes again. It was still a language she couldn't decipher. What was he saying? What did he want to tell her that he couldn't verbally do so?

He broke the silence. "We should train."
Hana could only nod, watching as he got up from the mat first. He offered his hand so that he could pull her up. She smiled playfully and willingly took his arm, only to bring him back down to the mat so that he could sit beside her again. Takashi was caught off guard by her firm grip that effortlessly caused him to fall back down.

"Or we could talk." Hana suggested. "Tell me about Toudai. How are your philosophy courses? Do you like your professors?"

Mori reluctantly shifted himself into a more comfortable position, mirroring how she crossed her legs. Hana rested her face on her palm, which was propped up on her right knee. Her ponytail swayed with her head as she waited patiently for his answer, not caring about the silence. Hana knew that as long as she waited, he would answer. He just needed time. It didn't matter to her how long he took, it felt like they had all the time in the world.

He answered his questions one by one. "Toudai is nice. My courses are intriguing, and my professors are alright."

Hana nodded, taking in each statement. "What makes your courses intriguing?"

"Very open-ended," he slowly said, after taking a few seconds to think about the question. "Makes you think."

"And what do you think about?"
"A lot," his answers grew to be shorter and shorter. Unlike him, Hana was quick on her toes to keep the conversation going. She was genuinely curious, but always careful not to make him feel uncomfortable with her questions. Mori could tell that she crafted her questions carefully.

"What do you find the most intriguing as of late?" She leaned in, as if she thought he was sharing a secret. Hana had a feeling he wasn't the type to share his thoughts often. Or even, ever. The girl wasn't a genius, or a mind-reader. She wanted to know what went on in that mind. Hana imagined his brain to be a hodgepodge of things. A whole new world, just waiting to be explored.

Mori never really had others inquire about his thoughts. His friends often accepted his silence as the way he was, and Mori was fine with that. Grateful, even. Except she was different. She delved into unchartered territory with ease, a natural at letting others open up to her.

"We often speak of existentialism in my lectures," he cleared his throat.
"Existentialism?"
"It's complicated," Mori figured she wouldn't want to hear about it. But instead she put a hand on his knee and urged him to continue. The way her eyes widened at the word, the way she captured him with just the two orbs… her gentle nudge, everything made him freeze.
"Tell me about it."

Mori wasn't sure where to even begin with the school of thought. Existentialism covered so many facets, he was unsure what would make the most sense.

"Have you ever wondered what it meant to live?"

Hana paused for a moment. "I suppose."

"Why we exist? What are we? Who are we? Why we are the way we are?" Mori listed off only a few of the ideas of existentialism. Hana nodded slowly, trying to make sense of it.

"So what do you think?" she said after a moment.
"Hm?"
"What do you make of all that?"

Mori shook his head. He had no answers. No direction. Not a clue. It was frustrating. How does one formulate opinions on such things? Oftentimes, he took inspiration from his readings but on a personal level, he honestly could not think of a concrete answer.

Hana laughed. What an odd response. Why is she laughing?

"You seem frustrated," the girl observed the expression on his face. The way his brows furrowed together, unhappy with the idea that he could not answer these questions on his own accord. He didn't look at her. His gaze was somewhere else, still thinking about what she had said.

"If you knew the answer to these questions, what would be the point of studying philosophy?" Hana smiled. "These questions have no answers. And when they do, it's a personal perspective that cannot be replicated."

"How do you know?" Mori questioned.

Hana shrugged. She thought back to the night before. How his drunken thoughts revolved around the same thing. Whether it was for the sake of his studies, or personal thought, it didn't matter. It bothered him.

"I don't. But how does one come up with a collective reason of why we live? Or who we are? Why we are the way we are? These are such personal questions that nobody else but myself can provide."

Mori had to agree with that. He wondered how she came up with these ideas. What did she think about so often that she was able to grasp the idea so quickly, and speak so eloquently?

"I don't know much about this world," Hana admitted. "Maybe that's why I want to leave Tokyo. I don't want to be seen as a pretty face. I'm constantly underestimated and right now, I can't even do anything about it. I don't know enough to prove myself. I have no other skills. I…" Hana stopped herself and sheepishly looked down at the ground.

"Sorry, I wanted to learn more about you and suddenly I'm talking about myself. How self-centred I must seem," she apologised.

Mori shook his head. "No, I like hearing about you."

She gave him a small smile. He's just being polite. Why is he so kind?

"I'd rather hear more about you," she replied. Hana thought of something else to ask. "Do you like space?"

Mori gave her a confused look. What?

"You were talking about orbits last night," Hana explained. "I wasn't sure what you meant by it, but my first guess was astronomy. Planets. Orbits. That kind of thing."

He pursed his lips. He couldn't outright tell her what he thought. That would have been embarrassing.

"I don't remember," he cleared his throat, and averted his gaze. Hana found this to be oddly suspicious. But she didn't want to pry, he seemed uncomfortable speaking about what happened the night prior. Yet if he felt uncomfortable, that must have meant that he remembered what had occurred.

"How is Hiro?" Mori shifted the topic.

Hana smiled, respectfully going with the flow of the conversation. "He's been working really hard at getting his music out there. No word yet on any record companies but… I have faith in him." She spoke of her brother fondly, but her eyes said something different.

"You envy him?"
Hana was put out of her daze. "What?"
"You envy him," his tone now unwavering. He read her like a book, only that she was much more interesting than Foucault or ancient philosophers like Aristotle.

Hana sighed and shrugged. "I still love him, regardless. I wish he knew how lucky he was."
"To be the heir?" Mori deduced.

Hana shook her head. "Being the boy," she corrected. "Having the freedom to do whatever he pleases while having the safety net of our family behind him."

"You have freedom too," he pointed out.
"I have privileges that I will not deny," Hana explained. She had gone through these thoughts over and over again. Switching between guilt and anger. "But I don't have the same freedoms as he does when I have to watch myself on how I act, whom I speak to – I'm instantly scrutinized if there is even a single misstep."
"Hiro's reputation—"
"—He could easily get wasted, crash a car, everything a typical rich kid could and would do and still get away with it and I wouldn't."

Mori shook his head. He knew Hiro. "He wouldn't be so reckless."

Hana smiled. "Of course not. But it seems as though I'm only good for marriages, or good to look at because of my pretty face. I'm a model slash upcoming socialite, as what my mother would describe. But why can't I be seen as anything else? An heiress, at the very least?"

"Is that what you want to be?" he asked.

She looked away. "I don't know. I just want to be seen as… more? More than a mannequin. More than a potential trophy wife. Is that selfish? Is that so wrong?"

"Does Hiro know?"
"He wouldn't… understand," Hana mumbled. "He's busy with his own music anyway, I wouldn't dare to get in the way of his dreams." She closed her eyes and averted her gaze, almost embarrassed that she told him all of that.

"I didn't mean to drag you into this mess," she turned quiet. "It just… it feels strangely comforting to say things out loud."

It was his turn to put a hand on her knee, his firm yet gentle grip assured her that he did not mind. Mori could not offer any help and she knew that.

"There is a quote," his baritone voice cut through the silence. "I wish I could throw off the thoughts which poison my happiness, and yet I take a kind of pleasure in indulging them."

Hana looked up to find his sympathetic gaze. He waited for her to come back. Back from her thoughts, her world, her orbit. When her eyes widened at him, Mori took it as a sign that Hana had returned.

"Frédéric Chopin," Mori finished off the quote.

Hana pursed her lips. "Do you have thoughts that poison your happiness?"

Mori sat back, mulling through the question in his mind for a few minutes. When he didn't answer, Hana swiftly switched over to another thought.

"What do you want to be?" she asked.

He tilted his head. The question was a little too vague for his liking.

"What do you want to be seen as? What do you aspire to be? What do you want to do with your life?" Hana wondered. She often wondered what someone like him would aspire to be.

This, he thought. This is exactly the kind of thought that poison my happiness. Only that I take no pleasure in indulging them. Mori had been struggling with the idea for months. Since Honey had left, he had no direction in life. He did not know what to do with his life after being given his freedom. He did not know what he aspired to be. His whole life was planned, and now, it was a blank slate.

"I do not know." He answered with such sadness in his tone, Hana tried to find his eyes again. But he had averted his gaze elsewhere, already lost somewhere in his mind. She reached for his hand, bringing him back to her. He felt a soft touch on his calloused hands, her fingers intertwining with his as she leaned forward.

"Then I guess we'll both figure out what we want to do with our lives sometime later. But right now, we'll just live. Day to day, until we figure it out." She smiled, as if to reassure him that it was okay. Regardless of what happens, things would work out.

But Mori did not feel the same. They were not the same. She had ambitions. He had none. He had no clue. But she had direction.

"I envy you," Mori murmured, thinking of what she said to him a year ago.
"Envy me?"
"You have direction in your life." She has an orbit. She knows where to go.

Hana shook her head. "I'm still searching for it, just as you are. We're no different now."

But we are different. You are the mountain, your direction is to go up. I am the sea, flowing aimlessly. We are different.

"Takashi, please come back," she squeezed his hand. "What made you this way? What happened?"

He was silent. If Hana had to be honest, she felt rather dejected about him being so closed off. It worried her. But she was not about to pry. Instead, Hana's grip tightened on his hand as she got up from the mat. His arm jerked upwards, immediately bringing him back from his daze.

She stood tall above him, her eyes waited for a moment to recognize that he came back to reality. Her lips twisted upwards, and she tilted her head towards the punching bag.

"Let's train. For real this time."

Hana spent her birthday alone, by choice. Hiro had a show to play at a nightclub, an "end-of-year" bash as he described it. Her grandfather had already done his duty in celebrating his granddaughter's special day. Hana escaped into the woods, where the mountains were. Their summer villa had always become a winter villa for her.

Her father never spent birthdays with his children. He was distant because he was always working. It became normal to Hana and Hiro. They respected him, they listened to him, but they never knew who he was beyond the title of being their father. Her mother on the other hand, had gone off to a getaway in the Maldives with other housewives in their social circle.

She pondered how she turned out the way she did. 17 years on the planet and she was this girl who clearly had no friends to spend her birthday with. The weirdest part was knowing that she felt comfortable with the fact that she had no friends.

It was comforting. Being alone, being protected, far from playing the games of jumping through hoops to be socially accepted. Was that so terrible?

Hana sat by the fireplace, the skies had already fallen and the only source of light were the flames that hypnotized her. She felt like she could breathe again. Being in the mansion, and constantly being on her toes about her mother intruding was emotionally taxing.

The last time she felt like she could breathe again was…

With Takashi, she remembered. Being able to voice her thoughts aloud for the first time in months. She realized that she had been subconsciously thinking about his questions he posed about existentialism. It wasn't a bad thing to think about. Hana could see why he decided to study the subject of philosophy.

Hana wondered how she became the way she did. Distant, perhaps even cold to an extent. She was lucky most people chalked it up to professionalism when she was curt and quick to leave during her job, but rarely was she ever late. Hana felt like the exact opposite of how her mother wanted her to be.

You need to be more outgoing, Hana. No man will like talking to a wall.
You should cut your hair. The short hair bob is a trend.
Why exercise, Hana? All of that silly boxing or whatever that you do. Just diet. Cut out all the carbs.
I just don't understand why you feel like you need an education. A degree is only a piece of paper if you aren't going to put it to use after marriage. You need to build your modelling career, Hana.

Yet Hana she fought. She fought against all of what her mother said in her own way.

She stayed the same way she was. She kept her hair long, she kept up her grades as high as she possibly could. And it was at that point when Hana realized her mother never raised her. It was her grandfather who taught her how to fight. Her grandfather who kept her grounded, who taught her manners and humility.

Hiro, on the other hand, was raised by her mother. He was the first-born, he was the boy, after all. Her brother was always closer to their mother than she was. Hana had her grandfather. She never felt a disparity. It was always normal, until now.

Hana realized why Hiro was oblivious to the way they lived. How he did not notice the luxuries and wealth they swam in. He never spent time with their grandfather who lived simply. One house, a garden, a park, and a dojo. That was his entire neighbourhood. Hana was unsure what to think of it. How two siblings managed to be polar opposites of each other.

He was outgoing. He was optimistic, maybe a little bit impulsive. Hiro was loud and exciting. He had so much love to share and he did everything with good intent.

Perhaps that was their common feature.

Good intent.

She wanted to do things with good intent. She did not know how. At least, not in her position without looking like she was seeking publicity. Hana was well read on the corruption of charities in third world countries. She spent her free time reading the news articles, occasionally coming across business articles which she forwarded to Kyouya out of her own good intention.

Your intentions. They're genuine.

His voice played at the back of her mind. Hana looked away from the flame and noticed the darkness that surrounded her. She felt like she was being swallowed up by the emptiness, with only the fire to keep her company. The closest thing she would have to the warmth of another human being.

And it was at that point when Hana felt lonely for the first time.

She was lonely because she craved for someone else's presence. A presence she didn't realize how much she enjoyed, and how much she appreciated. It was a longing in the most innocent sense. A glimpse of his face, a hello, or even a nod of acknowledgement. She wanted it all, all of the sudden.

A deep rumble against the hardwood floors put Hana out of her thoughts, she looked down to find her phone that vibrated.

Happy Birthday.
Takashi

She smiled. What a coincidence.

Like a light that guided her out of the darkness, he appeared at the right time.

A/N: I hope you don't find Mori and Hana's struggles with the future to be repetitive. I would like to say that realistically, we all struggle during our late teens/early adulthood with what to do with our lives. Direction and motivation don't randomly pop up out of nowhere, especially when you are young and inexperienced in life. It's a process, for all of us. So to any of you who are feeling unsure with what you're meant to do with your life (i.e. college applications, career choices, your ambitions or aspirations in life) - this story is for you. Or I mean, that's one of the themes that I'm striving for. Anyway, your thoughts are much appreciated. Thanks for reading, as usual.