AN: Shout out to McDonald's for free wifi, so I could publish this while I move house. You the real MVP. Also, pay your workers more and treat them better okay byeeeeeee.

13. LINGERED

As November came to a close, Hermione finally accepted what she had known all along. Severus was depressed. How he had managed to walk the line between good and evil all this time and remain relatively sane was beyond her. If she had to play good guy, then bad guy, in quick succession and be convincing in both roles; never once letting up that you're neither one nor the other? Hermione would have cracked long ago. She'd spent the last thirty two nights in his bed and she'd seen the change in him- he flashed from wonderful man to deplorable bastard in the space of a couple of hours, it seemed.

In the last few days, he had hardly acknowledged her. They ate together in silence, he neglected to shave; he was neither kind nor cruel. He was empty, and she was left to wallow in the shallow pool of his numbness. He stared at the forest green wallpaper as though the subtle pattern had drawn life and haunted him.

She held him tightly in the rare evenings that he would allow her to be close to him. Hermione tried to remember the last time she had felt like he wanted her. He felt wanted all the time - demanded to know that she cared for him - that she was aroused by him - pointing that audacious little stick to her temple and saying 'show me'.

SHOW ME SHOW ME SHOW ME.

Sometimes she felt like grabbing her own wand and demanding the same. Would he let her in? Unlikely. Would she even be able to manage the spell? Probably not.

Hermione missed him; she missed him even when he was in the room with her. He had fallen into a mile deep pit of despair that she couldn't drag him out of. She had tried. She had given him everything he'd asked for, and still it wasn't enough. Of course, it wasn't. She knew that there was nothing she could do for him. Nothing seemed to mean anything to him. That didn't end with her. She too, was meaningless.

The tender moments had faded to brief snatches of time, but they would evaporate into nothingness when she tried to catch them in her hands. He didn't hold her, or kiss her. He didn't read with her, or dance with her, or even talk with her sometimes. They had lived almost as strangers for the last two weeks. This was not a marriage, it wasn't even a relationship, so why couldn't she walk away? She argued with herself every time the thought came to her. She fought logic with reason.

Logic - you are not happy, you need to leave.

Reason - he is unhappy, he needs you to stay.

Lavender was a good distraction. She was always ready with a kind word, a bottle of Firewhisky, a little black dress and a pair of heels to help take her away from the world for a moment. Susan always had a joke to crack or a tale to tell. She had an arm of reassurance and a second bottle of Firewhisky. Katie came with snacks and games and music. Anything to take Hermione away. They were the only light in Hermione's life. They held her together when she threatened to fall apart, and threatened to tear Severus apart when he wasn't holding it together.

He was frightened too. She didn't know exactly what, because he wasn't inclined to speak with her on the matter, but something was happening on the dark end of the spectrum. Voldemort was beginning to formulate a new plan. It was the beginning of the end, as Severus called it, and Hermione was not prepared. She'd gotten a lot of her potions mastered, but there was still such a long stew time that they'd be useless when the time for battle came. She had decided that if she couldn't drop the stewing time, then she could at least try to be prepared.

She gathered all of the ingredients she could from the potion storeroom, stockpiled in orders from apothecaries and growers all over the UK and had Neville send up everything he had that he wasn't in desperate need of. She would make between four and thirty vials of each potion- from the basics, to the tried and tested, to Severus and Slughorn's recipes, to her own creations. The one that still bothered her most was the Werewolf Antivenom. She was determined that she would complete it. Severus however had lost his interest earlier in the week and in the last couple of days, he had all but ridiculed her for even trying.

Sunday

Darkness settled in her room and Hermione tucked herself into bed next to Severus. She had thought he was asleep, but she felt him turn behind her.

"I need you" he said, coldly.

He didn't sound like he needed her. He sounded like he wanted her. She couldn't explain why the difference mattered, but it did. All of a sudden want and need were strangers that Hermione couldn't reconcile. Her chest sagged as he pulled her towards him.

Had he been right before? Had she enjoyed seeing him in pain because she wanted to fix him? Was she only so unhappy now because it turned out, as he had told her from the start, that she couldn't?

"I want to sleep", she said.

"Sleep afterwards..."

"Severus, I'm tired."

Hermione didn't want to fight, and so the argument died on her lips before she had chance to even formulate it. They both knew what he wanted, and they both knew that she would give it to him.

Am I letting him cross a line?

The thought came to Hermione in the form of a cold voice that terrified her. She recognised it as her own, but it was weak and pathetic.

Do you really want this?

'Yes' she told the voice, daring it to disagree.

Severus moved on top of her and she stifled a moan.

The pathetic voice came again, louder and more terrible.

How much will you let him take from you in the name of 'comfort'?

'Go away' she told it.

Hermione closed her eyes and tried to focus only on the pleasure she felt but again the voice came.

He takes from you without giving anything in return. He takes your words, your ideas, your body; your love! He takes it all knowing that you will give it to him without question. He uses you.

She ignored it, opening her eyes to take in the beauty of Severus' sharp features. Except he was not beautiful. He was twisted and anguished; bitter and bereft. He pulled himself off her, and looked at her with horror in his eyes and shame on his lips.

You see. You disgust him. You are pathetic. You are worthless. You are nothing to him.

"No!"

It was Severus who answered the voice, not Hermione.

"Severus?"

"You are not nothing."

Hermione pulled the sheet over her naked body with a snap.

"Excuse me?"

"You're not... you said..."

"I didn't say anything!"

Snape's eyes fell to his wand on the nightstand.

"What the fuck, Severus? You were in my thoughts?!"

"Not on purpose."

"Sorry, what? You just accidentally read my mind?"

Severus' face was blank.

"Yes."

Hermione stared at him in disbelief. She felt a physical pain like a crack right through her heart.

"I was thinking about how much I wanted to cast 'Legilimens' so I could see your pleasure, and then I was in your thoughts. I didn't mean to."

"How long were you in there?"

He dropped his head in shame."Long enough."

"So when you realised what you had done, by accident, you didn't try to break it? You just... stayed?"

"I- I don't- I didn't mean-"

"Severus, what the hell? That's not okay!"

"I know!"

He moved frantically to take her in his arm; to kiss her, but she snatched her head away.

"I think maybe you should go. Although you probably know that already."

She wanted so desperately to understand him. She wanted to forgive him. She knew that he wasn't himself.

Or is he? Is this just who he is?

"Hermione. Let me explain."

Hermione pulled the sheets up further and tucked her knees beneath her.

"You don't need to. I understand perfectly."

"No you don't. Listen... I didn't mean to cast the spell, I swear. This has never happened before. I tried to break out of your head, I swear I did, but then I heard that voice. What the hell was that? When I felt your doubt, I lingered, I'm sorry... Hermione, those awful things you thought, they're not- it's not..."

"Don't bother. I don't want to hear it."

"Hermione, please don't think you don't mean-"

"I said no! I'm angry right now, no actually, I'm fuming. I don't want to say anything I will regret, so please just go, Severus."

She threw his shirt at him and he began to whimper.

"No. Don't make me leave! I need you."

"You need to fuck me more like," she mumbled.

"What? No, I need you. I need your distraction. I need your comfort.."

"What about what I need, Severus? What about my comfort?"

His face contorted with confusion.

"What about it? Are you not... I thought you were happy."

"Please. I am asking you nicely... walk away, so that I can think. I just need some space."

"No! I don't want to leave."

"Oh my God, just go!"

Severus stared blankly at Hermione.

"GET OUT!"

Neither said a word as he pulled on his trousers and grabbed his things. Hermione fell into a pathetic lump on the bed, and when the latch of the door clicked behind Severus, she succumbed to her agony and sobbed.

Hermione didn't acknowledge Severus at all the next day. He did try to get her attention, but she still hadn't processed her feelings. She had to handle him with care, which meant that she couldn't tell him exactly how she was feeling. She didn't want to lump him with more hurt. She avoided his gaze whenever she felt it burn hot on her cheek. She didn't want to speak with him, and so she couldn't bring herself to even look at him. She wondered if she was being childish. There had to be a way to deal with the situation without doing more damage, yet every remedy she proposed opened the door to more anguish.

He did not try to catch her attention for the rest of the week.

They both sat in the Great Hall for lunch. It was the weekend, and so the usual din of some 250 voices was but the chatter of those who weren't yet old enough to visit Hogsmeade. Severus sat at the end of the Slytherin table with Horace Slughorn. Occasionally Hermione would allow her eyes to drift up to where he sat and drink him in, before remembering that she was mad at him.

The most simple and honest part of her wanted to run to him and tell him that everything was okay and that she forgave him, but although honest, Hermione was not simple. Nothing about their relationship was simple either; she feared that neither was it honest.

Could a relationship born from misery ever be true? Could a miserable man be trusted?

Everything had been contaminated from the outset. He had said that on their first night, had he not?

"It feels wrong... like it's tainted by what she did".

Severus looked up and their eyes met. He dropped his gaze immediately, and busied himself in conversation with Slughorn. Hermione didn't clear her plate. She excused herself from the table and took to her room.

Hermione perched on the end of Lavender's bed and pulled a pair of tights over one foot and then the other. She stood up and extended them to the full length of her leg. Susan lazed on top of the sheets; she'd been ready to go since quarter past and it was almost quarter to. Lavender sat at the dresser and pinned her curls into a half up, half down style that Hermione had suggested.

"How long has it been since you last spoke to him?" Lavender asked, with a bobby pin wedged between her teeth. "A week?"

"Just over, yeah. He's not talking to me either, I don't think."

"I'm surprised you've both managed to hold out so long" Susan said.

"I am too. I've felt like going to see him a couple of times, but I think that we both need our space right now... Right?"

She looked to her friends for reassurance as she often did. They had not failed her yet.

"Definitely", Lavender said. "You've put his needs above yours for the last three months, it's about time you put yourself first."

"I know, but I just can't stop thinking about him. I want to go to him and try sort it out. I know I've not handled it very well, but I don't know what else I can do. I just feel guilty, I guess."

Susan sat up and locked her eyes with Hermione.

"Don't. Not even for a moment. Never feel guilty for doing what you need to do to protect yourself."

"I suppose."

"From the little you've told us, it sounds like he's pretty damaged. There's only so much you can do to save someone. I know you Gryffindors love your causes; we do too, but what Hufflepuffs know that Gryffindors always seem to forget is that you can walk away from something or someone that hurts you. It's not brave to hurt yourself to avoid hurting someone else, it's idiotic."

"God", Hermione said, "you sound like Severus."

"Well there's no need to sling insults, Granger."

"Ha!"

Susan stood up and helped Hermione with the zipper on the back of the dress she had borrowed from Lavender. It was a good job that she and Lavender wore the same size, otherwise Hermione would have shown up to The Three Broomsticks in jeans and a jumper or her potion-stained robes. Being with Lavender and Susan, and Katie too, was as close to feeling at home as she'd had in such a long time. There was warmth in their gentle bickering and humour.

Lavender applied a second coat of pink lip gloss.

"Listen", she said, dabbing the corner of her mouth with her ring finger, "you were in pieces when you got here. What happened between you and Ron damn near almost destroyed you. I won't stand by and let it happen again, do you hear me?"

Hermione smiled. What an incredible little lioness Lavender was.

"... However, there's something different this time", Lavender continued. "I can't understand it, but whenever you talk about him, even when he's pissed you off, your entire face lights up. If you ask me, you're in love with him, and that complicates things."

Susan looked at Hermione with an expectant stare."Well... are you?"

"Maybe?"

"Ha!" Lavender laughed, "I knew it".

"Well that does complicate things", Susan said. "Okay, Granger. You need to tell us everything; everything that's not a secret anyway. You said you were feeling guilty. Why? What's eating at you?"

Hermione pulled on a pair of Lavender's heeled boots and tied the laces into a firm knot. She dropped her head and made a strangled, irritable, guttural sound.

Susan looked both amused and concerned in equal measure.

"Granger?"

"Oh god, I don't know exactly what is bothering me most. I feel guilty for asking him to leave in the first place, but I know that I needed to. But I haven't talked to him about it since? I just walked away. I got so tired of him blowing hot and cold, or showing up to demand sex like he paid for it. I thought there was something between us, you know? I thought that he felt what I feel. But recently I've started to feel like I could be anyone. I could Polyjuice myself into Irma Pince and he wouldn't even notice as long as I spread my legs for him."

"This is why I don't date men", Susan said, and rolled her eyes. "Disgusting".

"Right, come on!" Lavender said. "Tell us on the way? We can walk into Hogsmeade, right? It's not snowing tonight."

Hermione nodded and Susan made it to the door in seconds, clearly she'd been itching to leave. Lavender grabbed her handbag and strolled through the door, locking it behind her with a flick of her wand.

"Mimi, you were friends first, right?"

"Yeah, I guess we were."

"Then maybe, he thinks it's like a friends with benefits type situation you have going on, but neither of you have talked about it, so you're caught in misunderstanding?"

"Maybe? But I don't think that's what it is. There was an emotional connection there, I know it. He was kind and vulnerable at times. I thought that he returned my feelings, but maybe I was deluding myself? I'm sure he must know how I feel about it since he's been in my mind... more than once."

Susan stopped in her tracks."Hold on. What do you mean, he's been 'in your mind'?"

Hermione grimaced."I didn't mention that before, did I?"

"Nope! Start talking, Granger."

"Right well, I err... I let him use Legilimency so he could see that I was into him. He thought I pitied him at first, so I showed him how I felt about him; that I really wanted him, you know?"

"How many times?" Susan asked, in a sharp tone that caught Hermione's attention.

"Err... Well, I don't know. Pretty much every time we-"

Lavender slapped her hand to her forehead in sheer disbelief.

"Mimi! I thought you were smarter than this! What is the matter with you?! You showed Snape... Snape... that you wanted him. You allowed that miserable, old bastard to see inside your mind. Your mind, which by the way, is your most precious gift. You've probably given him a glimpse at something he's wanted all his life; a pretty girl finally fancies him. Of course he's trying to get up on you at all hours of the day and night."

Hermione's face twisted.

"Alright, L, play nice. What I think Lavender is saying..." Susan said gently, "... is that affection and attraction are addictive. He doesn't hold himself in very high esteem, by the sound of it. He's confident in his abilities, but he's insecure about... well... he thinks very little of himself, right?"

Hermione nodded.

"Okay, so imagine you had such low self esteem that you thought nobody would ever find you desirable; that nobody would ever love you. Then all of a sudden a kind, beautiful woman who is your intellectual equal, lets you into her thoughts and shows you just how attractive she finds you. It's probably more love and affection than he's ever had in his life, Hermione. Your version of Snape is worlds apart from the version he has of himself, isn't it? He probably can't get enough."

"You think?"

Susan gave a solemn nod.

"Yeah. If someone showed me how I made them feel - if I could see myself through someone else's eyes, and I liked what I saw - I'd want to see it every minute of every day."

"He doesn't love me, does he?"

"I don't know, Hermione. But I don't think so, no. I'm sorry."

Lavender put her arm around Hermione."I can't say I entirely disagree with Bones, but we don't know how he feels, do we? So we can't make a judgment. He's not exactly the most expressive type - I can't imagine he talks about his feelings?"

"Does he even have feelings?" Susan asked, and although her question was harsh, her face was soft and Hermione knew it was a genuine one.

"Yes, he does. Sometimes he shares them."

"Then maybe he does love you", Susan said, gently. "All I'm saying is that Snape is complex and dark and as such, he is dangerous. I don't want to see you get hurt. I'm sorry but I'm glad that you asked him to leave. I think you need to concentrate on what you want and not on what he wants."

"I agree" Lavender said, "but something tells me that he loves you too. Not that that should inform your decision. It doesn't matter how much he loves you, if he's treating you poorly..."

Lavender raised her hand to stop Hermione's interruption.

"... Even if he doesn't mean to."

Hermione felt her chest constrict.

"But say he does love me, Lavender - if our disastrous relationship is a loving one - then what the hell kind of love is it?"

"Just because somebody doesn't love you the way that you want them to love you, doesn't mean that they don't love you with all that they have..."

She trailed off as if in deep thought.

"That's true", Susan said, "but you deserve to be loved the way that you want to be loved, Hermione. I'm sure that underneath all the misery and attitude there is a good man who deserves you, but by the sounds of things there are years of solitude, darkness and heartache to unpack. Not to mention whatever it is that has him so depressed now. You can't do that for him. He needs to do it for himself, you know?"

"Yes", Hermione said and the truth of Susan's words stung her.

"I hope that you can work it out, though, I really do. I don't know him like you do, but he deserves to be happy too."

"He really does."

Susan turned to Lavender who had yet to return to the conversation.

"Hey" she said, putting a hand on her shoulder, "you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just thinking..."

"Penny for 'em?" Susan asked.

Lavender sighed."I was just thinking how terrifying and lonely it can be... being in love with someone."

Hermione gave Lavender an empathetic smile."You're talking about Dean?"

"Yeah", Lavender said, in a low and longing tone that wrapped its fingers around Hermione.

She understood what it meant; Lavender felt it too. Hermione was not the only one who was left to navigate a relationship that was battered by the war.

"I really miss him", Lavender said and dropped her gaze to the floor. "It won't be long now, will it? The battle. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid for us all, of course, but Dean has his orders to be in Hogsmeade; he won't be in the castle. He'll be with Seamus and Mr. Dumbledore, sure, but otherwise, the three of them will be alone and unprotected. What if he... what if...?"

"Hey now. Aberforth is a brilliant wizard", Susan said with a voice of reassurance. "He'll protect him and Seamus both. They are probably safer than all of us."

"I hope so" Lavender said, "because even if we're not together, the idea of him being safe somewhere in the world... it keeps me sane."

Severus was alive in the world but Hermione could not be sure that he was safe. How could she ever be sane as long as he was in danger?

"Sorry for changing the subject, Mimi. Whatever you decide to do with Sn... Severus, we'll support you. Won't we, Bones?"

"Absolutely."

Hermione pulled Lavender in for a hug and Lavender's arms wrapped tightly around her waist. The comfort and stability of the embrace was something that Hermione hadn't realised she'd needed. When Susan threw her long arms around the two of them, Hermione felt at ease. Something shifted inside her, stirring a joy she had sorely missed. It was because of her friendship with these women that she knew she could handle whatever came next with Severus. If she needed support, she had it. If only she had confided in them sooner. She would go to him, she decided. Not just for his benefit, but for her own.

It was such a wonderful thing to have once been so lost; to have been found battered and worn down by the world, but to have at least, been found. These girls had found her, pulled her to her feet and dusted her off. They had tucked her under their wings, loved her, and kept her safe. In that moment, it was everything she had ever needed. She was sane, because they were safe somewhere in the world. There is more than one kind of love after all.

"Bloody hell", Lavender said, pulling herself from the hug. "There will be no more misery tonight, okay? Only happiness from now on. I swear to the gods, we're in these hallways in floods of tears at least once a fortnight."

"Right?" Susan said with a hearty laugh. "The kids probably think we're a terminal illness support group or something!"

"Mimi, Bones... I beg of you... Can we just go to the pub now?"

"Yes, let's", Hermione said. "I'll get the first round in."