14. CATHARSIS

The next morning, a tenderly hungover Hermione walked the halls from her quarters, to the Potions classroom. Ever since she and Snape had ended their... agreement, Hermione had been forced to do her research in the classroom, which was neither as comfortable nor as clean as Severus' rooms. However, it worked just as well. She had been able to work on improving her healing draughts, with the supervision of Slughorn. Although he did not push her as hard as Snape would have, he was still a good mentor and he guided her through the parts that she didn't quite have completely mastered. The draughts were beginning to come together. She'd created seventeen new recipes since she had begun making her own four months ago. Had it really been that long since she and Snape had sat in this very classroom?

Three of the potions she had created were for splinching accidents. Of course, Dittany worked well on its own to treat injuries to limbs, but as she had learned at great cost, it does not always work as well on the centre of the body; the head, the chest and the abdomen. She'd managed to cut the brewing time down to six days which was a massive improvement on the original three weeks; however it was not good enough. She needed to narrow that timeline down to hours, not days. She worked on them in all of her free time, only leaving when Lavender, as she had last night, had demanded that she needed to take a break. Hermione had also configured potions for very specific injuries and illnesses - she focused more on combative damage, knowing that that would be far more prevalent in a battle, and as much as her mind wandered to thoughts of Severus, or Harry, Ron and Ginny, her brain always centered itself on what what most important. They were at war.

Hermione had realised some time the week before that if she used mistletoe berries, used most commonly in antidotes, she could halve the stewing time of at least ten of the potions. It was handy that Christmas was just around the corner and mistletoe did not seem to be in short supply at Hogwarts. She had to be careful not to add too many berries, two berries per pint was perfect, any more and she ran the risk of poisoning the drinker. She'd learned the hard way, but Poppy Pomfrey had been more than pleased to give her a quick pepperup potion and send her back on her way.

The potion that was causing her the most trouble was still her Werewolf Antivenom. The wounds could be treated with Dittany and silver, but she had tried tirelessly to find a way to not only treat the wounded, but to save them from their lycanthropic fate. She only needed to look at Lupin a day or two after a full moon to see the true price of transitioning. The proposed potion, if administered soon enough, could stop the werewolf saliva before it contaminated the witch or wizard's blood. Slughorn had been impressed with her work, but he too had been stumped. He was certain it just couldn't be done. Hermione defused to agree. She was so close to perfecting it, she was sure of it.

It was nine on a Sunday morning and so she was surprised to see that she was not the only person in the halls. Her heart quickened as she approached the unmistakable shadow that was Severus Snape. He was formidable in black, but he was wearing neither his cloak nor frock coat. She hadn't seen him in this manner in a long time. His dark shirt hung out from his trousers, the tails crinkled and forlorn. His black boots were caked in mud and splashes of dirt led from his ankles to his knees. His face was unshaven, a patchwork of black and flecks of grey lined his jaw. His hair was longer and dirtier than she'd ever seen it. Hermione felt her legs turn to jelly, desperate to turn around and walk the other way; she had to fight them to stay upright, to stay focused.

Snape approached with an uncertain expression on his face, as if he, just like her, didn't have a clue how to handle the situation. They'd crossed paths before, but they had always been surrounded by students, or in company- this was the first time they had seen each other alone since she had banished him from her room.

"Hermione" Severus said stiffly, and gave her a nod.

"Yes... hello... hi."

His face was that of a broken man. She hated it. He had new scars on his neck and cheek, and she felt their reciprocal lacerations in her chest. He walked past her, but lingered just a foot behind her.

"Are you okay?" she asked cautiously.

Hermione watched his eyebrows furrow, not into the sneer that she expected but into a mournful expression of true heartache.

"Yes", he said. "And you... are you finding yourself... well?"

Hermione nodded. She didn't know what to say to him. What could she say? Her body ached to hold him, but she knew that she needed to stand firm. If they stood any chance of a future together, they needed to sort through their problems.

"Are you busy?" she asked, "I thought we might talk?"

His obsidian eyes turned to glass.

"Now you want to talk?"

"Yes. Come on", she said gently, moving to his side, "let's go talk."

Hermione sat at the library table with Severus to her right. Classes were over, so there was little chance of running into any students. The few that might have checked out a couple of books for some light holiday reading were probably at home with their families right now. Hermione felt a pang of longing for the Christmases she spent with her parents, and those she spent in the company of her other family- the Weasleys. Hermione shook off the feeling, and returned to look at Snape. She had thought that going to his quarters would be tempting fate. Really anywhere with a bed was dangerous territory. She needed to be sensible. If she walked away now, she could do so in one piece. Perhaps when Severus mended his own broken pieces, they would be together again as they had been before. God, she hoped that they would be together again.

Severus slumped into one of the chairs and looked at Hermione with a calm interest. If she'd expecting him to help initiate the conversation, she had been sorely mistaken.

"You wanted to talk?" he said.

"Yes."

His face was blank and unreadable.

"Then talk."

She sat rigid on the chair and held his gaze for longer than was comfortable, unsure where to begin. He seemed to grow bored; losing his focus, he stared through her.

"How are you doing? I mean... how are you really doing?"

"It's been a long week."

Hermione bowed her head."It has, hasn't it?"

Severus pushed his mane of black hair off his face, to reveal a poorly healed laceration on his throat.

"You're hurt."

"I have been hurt much of this week but you have not come to me."

"I'm sorry," she said. "Who hurt you this time?"

"Bella."

Hermione stiffened. His use of her nickname sent a shiver down her spine.

"Right, of course."

"She likes to play rough, I guess. She is quite the barbarian when she... err... well..."

Hermione tried to ignore the pang of jealousy."So you still... go to her?"

"Yes. Sometimes."

"And you're okay? Physically and, you know, emotionally. You're fine?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that. I have had the most difficult week and it has nothing to do with Death Eaters."

Hermione understood. She had hurt him.

"Your absence has been... tough on me. Listen, Hermione. I want to apologise. It does not come easy to me."

"I know."

"I- I fucked up. I am truly sorry for what I did."

Hermione's heart softened."I know you are. Thank you."

Severus lurched forward then and snatched her hands in his. His eyes were fixed on hers- dark and afraid and terrifying. He was a mad man and a tortured boy all at once.

"How can I make it right? What will it take for you to forgive me?"

"I forgive you already, Severus. But I still... I don't think we're in the best place right now... you know?"

"You forgive me?"

Hermione gave him a little nod. His face filled with surprise, relief and hope. The sight was ripe to destroy her. She closed her eyes tightly."Yes, I forgive you but..."

"But you don't want me anymore?"

She couldn't answer. She did, of course, but how could she explain it?

"Hermione... are we over?"

"I don't know."

Snape put his hand carefully, fearfully on her knee."I don't understand."

Hermione raised her head to look at him."I don't either. I'm so sorry. I can't make sense of my feelings right now. I want to be here for you and I want to be with you. I told you, I will always come back to you. But we're not good for each other; you're not in the right place for a relationship right now. You know that, don't you?"

"No, not really."

"How can you not? It's our biggest problem, Severus. When you did that, you really hurt me-"

"I didn't mean to", he said with a pathetic whine that both riled and disturbed her.

"I know, Severus. But you did hurt me. Not just with..."

She held her hand out to stop Snape who had opened his mouth to protest."Let me finish, please."

He nodded.

"You hurt me not just because you were in my head, without my permission- which was by itself an invasion of privacy so awful I can't even fathom it. It is not how you treat somebody that you... that you're... with. I know you know that and I know you are sorry. I don't need you to be sorry. I need you to understand that I've not been happy for a while now. You've treated me with a weird indifference that I cannot understand-"

Severus folded his arms in defence.

"I've been dealing with... you know what I've been through!"

"I do. Please don't think that I don't know the strain that you are under, because I do. But it doesn't excuse your behaviour. You'd be cold and standoffish one minute and then you'd drag me to your quarters and kiss me and fuck me and make me feel..."

The lioness in her chest stood its ground. She had to be brave.

"You made me feel loved, Severus. I don't know if you meant to, but you did and it was incredible. And then, abruptly, with no warning, you would tear it down and I would feel like I was nothing to you - just a warm body - a sheath for your sword. I need to be more than that."

"I thought this was what you wanted?"

"I know that I began this. I thought that I could cope, I didn't realise that..."

She thought the words she could not say. I didn't realise that I would fall in love with you.

"I keep giving to you", she said instead, "I keep hoping that you will finally give in return, but you don't. You've hardly budged."

"What do you want me to give you? What is it that you need from me?"

Love, she thought. I want you to love me.

"I just need you to be more consistent. I feel like I've got fucking whiplash from being thrown every which way depending on what storm you bring home. Every time I thought we were getting somewhere, the world came crashing down and we were back to square one. I gave everything I had to Ron, to the point that when we were through, I hardly recognised myself. I can't do that again. I don't want it to be like that with you."

I want us to love each other. I want us to be together. I want us to be happy.

Severus hung his head and hid his face.

"I want us to be happy. We're not happy, are we?"

"Fuck!" he yelled. "I'm sorry!"

"I know you are. It's not your fault. Please stop apologising, I hate it! It's nothing you have done. It's everything that has happened to us. It's who you are at loggerheads with who I am. I don't know... Maybe we're just incompatible?"

His fists clenched and Hermione moved back a fraction on her chair in response.

"Perhaps".

His voice came as ice.

"However it is far more likely because I am a tragic, intolerable heel who turns everything he touches to ash."

"Severus don't-"

"Tell me it's not true! Tell me that I didn't take the most precious thing in my life and squash it between my fingers like a bug. Tell me I didn't do this to us."

Hermione pushed his chin upwards so that she could look him in his eyes.

"You didn't do this. It's not your fault - I don't believe it is either of us - it's the situation. It's utter chaos, Severus. How could we possibly have ever made a normal relationship from the ashes of your trauma?"

"And that's what you want? A normal relationship?"

"Don't you?"

Severus sat forward in his chair and the lines in his face furrowed. He nodded and rested his hand on her shoulder."Perhaps but I... I don't know how."

Hermione breathed heavily. She would not cry. Not to-fucking-day."Exactly. I'm so afraid that we will only ever be two people who have sex and hurt each other."

Snape bit his lower lip and when he opened his mouth, there was a fleck of blood where his teeth had grazed his skin.

"But what would I do without you? I need you."

"Do you? You don't just need someone to love you without ever giving in return?"

He looked at her then with a wild hopefulness."Love?"

"No. Don't do that."

"You love me?" he asked.

"Do you love me?"

Severus let out a puff of air and covered his mouth with his fist.

"I need you. Is that not enough?"

"No, I want you to want to be with me."

"I do want to be with you. You are not listening to me. I need you, Hermione. Nobody else. I can't bear to be apart from you. These ten days have been the longest of my life. They have been torture. And I know torture! I would take a thousand cuts from The Dark Lord, before I lost you."

Hermione dropped her gaze to the floor. When she looked back at him, Severus threw his hands to her face and kissed her, hard, on her mouth.

"I won't do it again. I won't be without you. I need you", he said between kisses. "Don't deny me what I need."

Hermione answered the call of his heart by instinct and kissed him back. She parted her lips and his tongue swept through and met hers. She let out a pathetic mewl and her body turned limp in his arms.

She loved him, she was certain. She had always loved him. There had never been any doubt. She was completely, madly, irrevocably in love with him.

He pulled his arms around her and lifted her from her seat. She wrapped her legs around him in response. Hermione flattened her hands to his chest and took desperate fistfuls of his shirt. All the while the sensible part of her brain was screaming at her to stop; to hold her nerve, to walk away now before he took off his clothes, and blinded her with his long and taut form. He pushed her down onto the library desk and groaned into her ear..

The sound shot her back to sanity. She put her hands to his chest and it took all of her strength to push him back instead of pulling him down and tearing off his shirt.

"Stop, Severus. We can't do this. Not right now. Nothing has changed."

"You don't want to?"

"I want to. God, I do, we have to be smart."

He kissed her on the temple and then spoke into her ear in a low voice; his words like honey."Smart is overrated. I want to be stupid."

Hermione felt her body weaken, but with a surge of courage, she managed to regain herself. She pushed him away again decisively; he stepped back and his face fell flat.

"I'm sorry" she said. "I can't. Everything is still as it was. Maybe we just need some space?"

"Please don't give me any more space. For the first time in my life I do not want space."

She was touched by his honesty and she smiled at him then."Okay, fine. No space. But we should at least take sex off the table."

"Just this table?" he asked, jutting his chin to the desk underneath them. "Or all of the tables?"

They shared a grin and Hermione felt the weight of the world lift from her shoulders. God he was so beautiful when he smiled. Why couldn't it always be like this? Why did pain have its hold on him; on them both?

"I'll speak with you tomorrow, Severus, okay? Remember, I am always here for you. When all of this is over... when you're... you again, we can start over? But right now, I need to go."

"Please stay. I don't have anybody else."

Hermione felt an irritable buzzing in her stomach, but she hushed it and spoke in an even tone.

"Severus, you have nobody else because you're cruel to people... you understand that, don't you?"

"People are cruel to me!"

"Yes", Hermione snipped, forgetting herself. "People are cruel; the world is cruel. But you have pushed everyone in your life away. Maybe if you stopped treating people like they don't matter? I want you to have people in your life, Severus. You're a wonderful person- you deserve to have love and friendship."

He scoffed.

"You do! Look, I am and will always be here for you, but I can't be the only person you have in your corner. It's too much pressure. I'm not strong enough, do you understand? You are not the only broken person in this room!"

"I know. Just tell me what should I do?"

"Try to make connections with people? There are many wonderful people that would be happy to be your friend, if you could just be nicer to them?"

"Who do you suggest?" he mocked. "Albus? The reason I am still balls deep in evil, protecting Lily's son like a whipped guard dog! Or maybe Remus? The passive witness to the torment of my childhood?"

"Remus isn't a bad idea, actually. The two of you have much in common."

He glared at her, but ignored her words.

"Or Potter, perhaps?" he drawled. "Oh yes, I can picture it now. The two of us sharing a Butterbeer with two straws at The Hogs Head, reminiscing about his father and what a piece of-"

"Severus, just stop it!"

He slumped back in his chair."Sorry" he said, "I know I'm being a prick."

She smiled at him."Sorry... When are you not a prick?"

"Touché"

"I'm just asking you to take an interest in someone other than yourself, you know? I don't say that to be cruel, I just mean... how can you expect to make room for other people to share your life when you only ever function as a solitary unit? There's nothing admirable or mysterious about a lone wolf. They have either lost their pack, or they've been abandoned. That's sad."

"But you know who I am", he said with a perplexed tilt of his head. "You've known it all this time."

"Yes, you're right", Hermione said, covering her heart with her hand. "And who you are is just perfect. But you can be who you are and open up to people. It's possible to be a sarcastic prick and still have fulfilling relationships. Don't you want that? Aren't you lonely?"

"Maybe a little", he said sourly.

"Then you have to learn to forgive people. Remus, for example. God, Severus, you carry your grudges around in suitcases. Aren't you tired from lugging around all that unnecessary weight?"

Hermione recognised the hypocrisy of her words. She had baggage of her own, chock full of resentment and past hurt.

"I don't want you to be alone in the world", she said.

"I won't be alone if I have you."

"You do have me... but probably not in the way that you want. Right now I think we should try regain our friendship? We need a more stable foundation if we're ever going to have anything more? Assuming that's something you want?"

"I think so."

Hermione realised that she'd drifted a little from the subject matter; having not intended to say quite so much. But something about releasing the words she hadn't known needed to be spoken, left her feeling ten times lighter.

"See you tomorrow, okay?"

She felt a wash of cathartic freedom as she kissed his cheek and walked away. It hurt to do so, of course; she loved him after all. She felt cruel as she did, but still she left him, bewildered and alone in the library.

Hermione pulled open the curtains the next morning, letting a shock of sunlight resonate around the room. She brushed her teeth for the second time that morning, pulled on her boots and opened her door. Minerva McGonagall stood before her with her fist aloft and they both shook their heads, with smiles and blinked in surprise.

"Good morning, Hermione. I didn't know you practiced Divination."

McGonagall said the word 'Divination' with thinly veiled contempt.

"Ha! You know as well as I do that I... what was it Trelawney said? I have 'very little receptivity to the resonances of the future'."

"Ah yes; she loves to spout her nonsense. Nonsense is her stock and trade after all."

Hermione laughed. She held so much love for this formidable woman, who understood her as well, if not better than her closest friends.

"I was just about to head down to the potions classroom", Hermione said, nodding into the empty corridor. "But if you wanted something?"

"Yes, I wondered if you had time for a quick chat? It's been a while since we've had chance to really to speak with one another."

"Yes, of course. Do you want to come in?"

Minerva peered into Hermione's tiny room.

"No that's fine. We can walk and talk. While I remember, these are for you..." McGonagall said, pulling from her robes, a thick pile of envelopes and parchment, bound with brown string. "Why they were not delivered directly to you, I don't know."

Hermione let out a bark of laughter as she took the pile of postage.

"I redirected my mail to the Owlery in fourth year during the Triwizard Tournament. Skeeter was talking all kinds of rubbish about me in the Prophet, do you remember?"

"Oh, I recall it all too well. Nasty old hag."

"Quite! If I'd received one more bloody howler I was going to lose my mind, so I had all of my post go to a pigeonhole in the Owlery. Owlhole, I suppose?Anyway... Thank you for delivering these. And yes, let's walk... after you?"

McGonagall stopped in the doorway."Hermione, are you quite alright? You seem rattled?"

"I'm fine, honestly, Minerva. I'm just... it's been a long few days."

Minerva nodded."Well, I just wanted to see how you are. I know you have been through a lot of late."

"How do you know that?"

"Severus."

"You've been speaking with him?"

"Oh yes, Hermione. In great depth, in fact. But I am not to breathe a word, and so I shan't. So, if you're sure you're okay?"

Hermione was desperate to know more but she understood that McGonagall's word was final, and she was a locked box when it came to secrets.

"Yes, thank you for checking on me. Are you well yourself?"

"Yes, yes. Quite well indeed, thank you. We can reconvene when you have more time if you would like - tea on Monday evening, perhaps?"

"That sounds lovely."

Hermione said goodbye to McGonagall when she reached the Potions classroom and opened her mail. It had been weeks since she'd checked for her post, largely because there was seldom anything worth reading. This time was no different, most of it was junk, however two letters in particular caught her attention. She recognised their handwriting immediately. There was one from Ginny, sealed with the Potter crest in scarlet, and to her surprise, another from Ron, penned in his cramped script.

Oh God, she thought. What do they want?