AN: Just popping up another little one, because this scene was my favourite to write (I love a self-indulfent speech) and I wanted to give it its own chapter.
20. SO LOVED
"I still can't believe you didn't tell me I'd missed your birthday."
Hermione pulled Severus through the door and into his quarters. She held one of his hands tightly and his other was placed firmly over his eyes.
"I didn't want a fuss and so I swear to the Gods, Hermione, if there's a room full of people ready to yell 'surprise' or if there is one single bloody balloon, I will hex you into next month."
Hermione laughed lightly."Okay, you can look!"
Severus hesitated for just a moment, and then dropped his hand and opened his eyes. It was two weeks and two days past his forty-second birthday, but Hermione had wanted to do something special anyway. She'd considered a huge party or an expensive dinner in London, but she'd settled instead on a candle-lit dinner for just the two of them. They'd had such a wonderful few weeks together. In spite of everything he had said, he reveled in her affection. They'd spent each and every day in each other's company and, to her surprise, he had not been sullen or surly even once. She thought however that she'd be pushing her luck if she'd thrown an elaborate affair to celebrate his big day. Especially since he had made it unmistakably clear that even the new Severus hated birthdays. The human brain couldn't fathom a number large enough for Severus to count to under his breath to avoid that tantrum. She knew him; she knew that New Year's Day had been draining enough for him. She didn't think it fair to make him do it all over again a few weeks later, on his pretend birthday no less.
Snape took in the scene before him. The house elves had sent up two piping hot, glorious starter plates of little, toasted filo pastries filled with roast pork and asparagus. The table was laid for two, with four wine glasses; two long and deep filled with red, the others shorter and crisp filled with white. There were more knives, forks and spoons than Hermione really knew what to do with, but she'd asked for something spectacular, and the elves had never once failed to deliver. It was a long time since she had campaigned for Elvish welfare, but she still felt a little guilty every time she asked them to do something. Hermione looked up at Severus and gave him a hopeful smile.
"Is this okay? Just the two of us?"
"It's perfect."
"And not a balloon in sight"
Severus laughed and Hermione was hit, as she always was, with the pleasurable wave that played with her common sense. God, she just loved to hear his laugh. She would never grow tired of it, she was sure. Snape put his arm around Hermione's shoulders, pulled her softly into his chest and stroked her cheek.
"I love it. Thank you. You are truly extraordinary."
She snorted.
"No really, you are, Hermione. You are so lovely. I..."
Snape took a deep breath, gave an almost indistinguishable shake of his head and then sighed. He adjusted his feet, as though to ground himself.
"... You are so loved."
Hermione pulled a face of displeasure.
"What?" Severus asked, playfully raising his eyebrows
"I am 'so loved' am I?" she said, in a sulky tone.
"You are!"
"By whom?"
He chuckled and put his other arm around her waist.
"'I'm so loved'" Hermione mocked, "what sort of passive nonsense-"
Severus put his hand on her chest and kissed her before she could continue."You want me to say it?"
"Yes, but only if you mean it."
"It doesn't feel like it's enough."
Hermione tilted her head
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... oh God, okay..."
Snape pulled away from Hermione and gestured for her to sit at the table. He pulled out her seat for her and she perched on the end of it. He pulled his chair to be close to her and pulled off his cloak and frock coat. He unbuttoned the sleeves of his shirt and Hermione felt a thrilling rush of attraction as he unfastened the top two buttons by his throat. He sat and took both of her hands in his.
"What I mean, Hermione, is that our language is so limiting. How could someone possibly capture the enormity of loving someone with just three little words. It's not possible. There are no words to describe the absolute joy and chaos and horror and misery of feeling that way about someone. If that makes sense?"
"It does."
"It's just something that's so big that our brains can't comprehend it. It's like trying to describe colour, or explain God. Nobody could possibly ever do it justice. In reality, it's probably as simple as chemical reactions, hormones and shared experience. Maybe a little bit of magic. But to be in the centre of it, of... this - to live it; to feel it - is absolute delirium."
Severus placed his hand on her cheek.
"Those words: 'I love you'. They don't seem enough. How could I even begin to explain to you all that encompasses? I love wildly, Hermione. My love reaches higher than hope and sinks lower than treachery. It is dangerous and all-consuming; it's baffling and ineffable. You see! 'Ineffable'. We have a word that means 'I can't possibly explain it' because we know that some things are beyond our comprehension. Yet we use a single word - 'love' - to describe this?"
Severus pointed at her chest, and then his.
"How could I ever express how I feel for you with such a small and gentle sound? Love is infinite and terrifying, isn't it? People live for it, die for it; kill for it... every day. Yet people fall in and out of it. Fall out of love, Hermione! How? It's unthinkable! It sinks its teeth into your very core - whatever a soul is - and it steals it. It consumes you to the point of madness. And yet, somehow it abandons you? I can't fathom it. It's too big. It hurts to try. You could love me, Hermione, as you do now. And tomorrow, think less of me than dirt on your boot. It's too much."
Severus' eyes became glossy as he gently stroked her face.
"I am afraid to say it to you, Hermione, because I do not think it is enough. I cannot find the words to express how deeply you have affected me, and changed me. Even if I could speak every language, I could sooner explain why we dream. But, Gods, I love you. If those are the only words I have to describe how this feels then yes, I love you."
Hermione lifted her hand and caught a tear with her thumb. Still he continued-"I'm scared, Hermione."
"That's okay."
"This 'thing' with Bellatrix-"
Hermione seethed at the sound of her name."No, do not." he said "I will not be afraid to talk about her anymore. I will say her name. I will not allow her to be feared and revered like she's the damnable Dark Lord. I do not want you to fear her, especially. What she did - how I have debased myself to her, all for a fucking horcrux - it has changed me. I am not the same man, and in some ways, I am glad because I did not like the man that I was. But it was you, and you alone, who helped me through those first dark nights. I cannot thank you enough; I will be forever in your debt. Anything you want from me is yours."
"I just want you; I want to be with you."
Severus kissed her cheek and held her tighter in her arms.
"I know and I am so grateful. However, I fear that you deserve so much better. That said, you are a grown woman and I would not presume to make decisions for you, even if I feel that you are making the wrong ones."
"Why though? Why do you think it's the wrong decision?"
"For all the reasons I have already given you and a thousand reasons more. Mostly though, it is because I do not think I am good enough for you."
"But why? Please Severus, I need to understand."
"Because, as I have said, you are pure sunshine. And I am entirely your opposite. I don't know if we make sense."
"But we do make sense! You and I, when we are together - it makes complete sense. I know that you feel it too."
Severus thought on this.
"Yes, I do. I know we work well together when I am in control of my emotions. Like now... in this moment... it's like the fucking stars have aligned. But in other moments- that morning in your room when I all but forced myself on you- when I made you believe that you meant nothing to me, and you had shown me only kindness. When I violated your trust by entering your mind, knowing that it was wrong, all because I wanted to peek at the pink smoke again. I hurt you, betrayed you even... all because I needed to feel loved. Those are the actions of a pathetic man. It is those moments that I fear, Hermione."
"I can cope."
He dropped his head."You say that now..."
"I can."
"Maybe you can, Hermione, but I don't know if I can".
"Well I'm not going anywhere", Hermione said, with a stubborn shrug, "and you promised that you would never leave again, so what's your next move, Severus? We are already something whether you want to admit it or not. You cannot just wash your hands and walk away from me like nothing has happened. If you don't want to be with me then you have to end it."
Snape smiled in spite of the severity of the situation."I know, and believe me, I do not want to be without you another day in my life. I think the world of you and I am simply telling you my fears. I cannot shake the feeling that we are making a mistake."
"Because you're selfish?" she asked.
"Yes."
"Well, so am I... what's the next 'issue'... perhaps I'm too young?"
Severus chuckled."Nothing so noble, my love, I assure you. Better men than me, I'm sure, would say that you are too young for me. And I imagine, they would, of course, remind me that you are my former student. However, I can say for certain that I held no esteem for you then. Much the opposite, as you well know. I do not make any connection between the woman you are and the girl you were."
He smiled at her.
"And if we're being honest, you are far more mature than I am, and you are half my age. I am just an overgrown boy, playing at what it might be like to be a real man."
"So if you accept that I am grown enough to make my own decisions, and you accept that we are well-suited to one another, what exactly is the problem?"
He stroked the curve of her waist with his palm.
"Listen, despite all my protestation and self-loathsome whining, I can imagine a lifetime with you. I have been so lost all these years, yet I feel grounded with you. Because in spite of everything, God, I want you, and above all else, Hermione, I am, in fact, very much in love with you. Perhaps that is the problem. I do not love lightly, as you know. I obsess and I become attached. I wish that it weren't true but it is. I love even when I should not."
"Lily?"
"Yes."
Hermione couldn't hide the way that her face fell. She tried to cover it with her mess of hair, but sodden, it clung to the back of her neck.
"I'm sorry," he said "I know it is impolite to bring it up but I believe that it is worth mentioning. After all, she has been important to me for as long as I can remember."
Hermione gave him a smile that she didn't believe. He knew it. Her face had betrayed her true thoughts. It always did.
"Yes, Hermione" he continued "I still feel affection for Lily. Of course, I do. She was very special to me. And it breaks my heart that she is dead. She can only ever be-"
Severus stopped with a jolt and blinked wildly. Then with a seethe of pure agony, he gripped his forearm and dropped to his knees.
"Fuck!" he said with a sharp inhale.
"Severus? Are you okay? Is it your mark?"
"Yes. I'm sorry, love. I know I promised I would never leave you again but I have to go. I can't keep him waiting. I don't know what, but something has happened."
"Oh?"
"He's angry", Severus said, in a voice hardly above a whisper.
He stood reluctantly and pulled Hermione into an embrace.
"Be safe", she told him.
He lavished her with quick and desperate kisses, then snapped back to attention, and disapparated, evaporating like smoke.
AN: I'm aware this is a dialogue-heavy ramble but I thought it was a nice contrast to Severus' typical 'convey a lot by saying a little' approach to conversation. I hope it's not too unbelievably out of character.
I'd be interested to know what you think so far? There are another eight(ish) chapters after this but we are working towards our ending. I'm devastated, hahahha.