Chapter Thirteen: Three Minutes in Heaven

A/N: WARNING! After-sex talk describing the sex. A bit NSFW, but not too bad. Wolford and Fangmeyer's little sex romp didn't go too well. I actually re-wrote it because the original draft was too graphic for my tastes.

One thing I forgot to mention last chapter is that I did give a tiny hint to the identity of the Adviser being John Wilde and that was when "Dapper Dan" dressed up as Honest John. John being both the name of the character from Pinocchio and the name of Nick's father.

I noticed in some of my fics that Nick gets tortured a fair bit, so in this chapter, I decided to spare him some pain. He deserves a more happy ending.

I'm starting to wonder if Auburn loves her husband or just loves torturing him?

" 'Dat was 'da woist sex I evah had in my life."

Tim Wolford was lying in the Clawhausers' bed with his wife, Auburn and his best friend and former lover, Terry Clawhauser. With the permission of of Ben Clawhauser and Auburn, Tim and Terry had sex for the first time. It did not go well.

"Same here." Terry said.

Tim was offended. "What?! I wuz poundin' yer butt like a madman!"

"Ben's much bigger. With you, it was like being pounded by a Q-tip."

"It's not my fault yer husband's wang is...abnormal! I'm plenty big fer a wolf! Tell 'er Auburn!"

Auburn stepped in. "He's...average,"

"What?!"

"I had two wolf boyfriends in college! One was tiny, the other...almost Clawhauser size. Too big actually. More painful than pleasurable. You're right in that sweet middle honey! Average is good!"

"Thanks...I think, But what about you Terry?! What 'da hell is up with your...your...your hoo-ha!"

"My vagina?"

"Yes!"

"...Just say vagina you weirdo. What about it?"

"I've had sex with my wife enough 'ta know 'dat girls don't normally...how do I say 'dis?...ejaculate from 'da little mouse in 'da boat!"

"...You DO know I wasn't born a woman! I had a sex change operation!"

"...So?"

"SO?! How do you think a sex change operation works?!"

"...You donate yer genitals and someone else donates theirs and you exchange. Like baseball cards or Pokemammals."

"No you idiot! They pump me full of estrogen so my more female parts, like my breasts grow out, I get a more femanine voice and then...they kind of cut up my penis and testicles and morph them into something resembling a vagina."

"...What?"

"Although it's a lot harder for female to male."

"Woah! Woah! Wait a minute! So when I went down on you...eww! EEEW! I licked a dick! Or at least what was one. Does 'dis mean I'm gay now?"

Auburn smiled. "Yes honey. Yes it does."

"NNOOOO-wait. I'm still not sexually attracted to her and I still love you...you're messin' with me, aren't you?!"

Auburn finally laughed.. "Hee!-Hee! Of course! Dummy!"

"'Dat wuz mean! Also, I don't get it. It wasn't just 'dat video turnin' me on. I smelled some nice odors, but then I started to get turned off by Terry's scent agai-...Terry? Fangs?"

Terry was sitting on the edge of the bed, weeping. "No matter what I do..I...SNIFF!...I'll never be a complete and real woman! You'll never find me sexy."

Tim rubbed her back. "Hey...Hey now. I don't need 'ta! You got a wonderful husband who loves ya just the way you are!"

"Oh please! Clawhauser says he's bi, but he's way more feminine than he let's on. He's more attracted to my male side than my female. Sometimes, I think he just loves me because it make him look good to have a wife instead of a husband."

"Bullcrap! I know Ben. He never stops talkin' about you! Fangs, your vag ain't what makes you, you. We all love you. You're sweet, loving, a bit impatient and immature sure, but very motherly too. Even James called you 'Aunt Terry' almost as soon as he met you and yer kids see you as 'dere mom. Penis, vagina, it don't matter. Yer a woman!"

"Oh Tim!" She hugged him tightly and he gave her a kiss on the lips.

"Y'know what Fangs? Even though 'da sex wuz terrible, I'm glad we did it. Now we now it would have never worked out between us 'dis way and we can go back 'ta bein' 'da bestest of fre-"

Just then, Ben came through the door. "I'm home honey! Tyler picked up Gazelle and..." He saw Tim and Auburn in bed with Terry.

Tim panicked. "N-Now Ben. 'Dis ain't what it looks like!..Okay it is, but 'da sex wuz horrible! A-And besides..."

Ben got real excited and started taking off his clothes, "EEEEEEEEEEE! Four way time!"

"No! NO! Me and Auburn were just leavin'!"

A naked Ben started chasing Tim around the large bedroom. "Knock it off Ben!"

"It isn't gay if you're the pitcher Tim!"

"Put 'dat thing away! You'll poke someone's eye out!"

As Ben was chasing him, Terry looked concerned. She asked Auburn "Should we stop him?"

Auburn was recording the chase. "In about five minutes. This baby's gonna go viral!"

Meanwhile...

The possum family was carrying Nick's dead body into the elevator. Making sure not to hurt him

"Save him Jeb!" Judy pleaded. Tears running like a waterfall. "Please!"

The rabbit was being gently led by Jeb the possum's sons, Skeeter and E-Walt. Who were keeping her up by their shoulders due to her right leg being half gone.

" 'Taint up 'ta me!" Jeb replied. "That's on my uncle Booby Jo-Bob Billy Jo! He's th' doctor of the family!"

"Well can Billy...Bobby...Boo-Boo...can he save him?!"

"Maybe. Bobby Jo's brought back two of my brothers after they wuz road kill. We gotta get some blood in him too. Do you know his blood type?"

"He's got a medical card in his wallet."

"Good! In the meantime, we'll also fix you up with a peg leg so's you can walk again."

"That's not important right now.."

"Nonsense! Fart Blossom! Cut the leg off of that broken bed stand!"

They got Nick into the room and set him down gently. Jeb called out for his uncle. "Uncle Booby! We got ourselves a patient! It's an emergency!"

Uncle Bobby Jo came rushing out. "Is he okay?"

"Okay?! He's dead!"

"Oh! Well that ain't stopped me befur! Jeb! Get a bag of ice from out of the freezer. We need to slow the blood from rushin' out of his head. He could get brain damage even if he survives. June Bug! Git some needle and thread and git ready to sow up this fox's chest! Fara! Get me that broken box over there and that broken toaster we wuz gonna throw out!"

"A broken toaster?!" Judy asked.

"Ah ain't got time 'ta explain! What's his blood type?"

Judy looked through Nick's wallet. "Type O positive"

"That's Jeb's type! Jeb! Gimmie that ice and put it around th' fox's neck! Then, I need 'ya 'ta lie on th' ground fer a blood transfusion."

"You got needles and tubing?!" Judy asked.

"Yup! Fresh outta the garbage!"

"WHAT?!"

"Relax! We clean 'em good with Jeb's moonshine! It not only disinfects, it can remove rust off of bumpers and peel off paint!"

"Remind me not to sample that."

"It's fer the best. June Bug! Hurry and stitch this man back up lickety-split!"

Meanwhile...

Nick had to adjust his eyes to the bright light. He saw a huge sign in front of him. "Visitor's Center" As his eyes adjusted, he saw two foxes coming towards him who gave him a big hug.

"Grandson! It's so good to finally meet you!"

Nick realized who they were. "Grandma? Grandpa?!"

"Yes!"

"...Oh no...I'm dead! No! I want to stay with Judy! My kids!"

Nick's grandfather patted his shoulders. "Relax dear boy. You're at the visitor's center! This means you're only here temporarily. In fact, you only have a little over three minutes, so you better make it quick!"

The grandmother spoke up. "We are so proud of you! Imagine! The mayor of Zootopia!"

The grandfather huffed. "Yeah. Better than that useless son-in-law of mine!" He turned his head over to look at John. "You really blew it boy!"

"Aww shut up!" John replied.

Nick looked over and saw his father, Rusev, Lionheart, Mayor Trunk and others all in a line only blocked by a red, velvet rope.

"What's that grandpa?"

"The judgment line If you were a good enough person, they look over your records and you can usually go without a fuss. The one's in line there were bad enough that they each need to go to a court to be judged individually. They each have a tiny force field around them that keeps them from fleeing or attacking others."

"What happens to them if they're judged guilty?"

"They'll go to hell."

Nick was devastated. "Sweet biscuits! I know he was terrible before the end, but I don't want him suffer for all eternity!"

Grandma explained. "Not all eternity. They have to relive the lives of those they have wronged and live their torment, both emotionally and physically until they have learned their lesson."

"Ooooh. Like Goat Rider!"

Grandma rolled her eyes. "Yes dear. Just like Goat Rider."

"Well that's not TOO bad. Can I talk to him?"

"Yes."

Nick walked over like a smug jerk. Waving his paws like a choir singer. "Get ready for the judgment daaay! Hello losers."

Suddenly, a lightning bolt cracked next to Nick. "EEEP!"

Grandma warns him. "Don't get too smug. You're in the afterlife now!"

"Good point."

Rusev was furious. "Stoopeed, leetle fox! GRAAAH!" He tried to attack Nick but the force field held him back. "Stoopeed force field! Although feels quite squishy." He kept punching at it. "Hee! Hee! Ees fun!"

"Oh knock it off you moron!" said Lionheart. "Great plan 'Adviser'! It blew up in our faces!"

"Not my fault you got killed by a midget!" John replied.

Nick said nothing. But stared at his father in disgust. "What are you looking at?!" John replied with a snarl. Nick kept staring. Leering. Shaming his father without words. John drooped his eyes and lowered his head. "I...I just wanted my life back to normal. I wanted the store!"

"I bought it." Nick replied. "For Petey. It's still going to say 'Wilde and Son's'."

John looked down in self disgust. "The world is so unfair to us. I just wanted to balance the scales."

"That happens with time. Not overnight and not through violence and slaughter!"

"...Please don't tell your mother about me. About what happened."

"Of course not. Your shame is mine to bear."

"...For what it's worth, I'm sorry."

"It's too late now. When you've gone through your punishment and I return here the second time...maybe I'll forgive you."

Rusev started complaining. "Line ees so long! Cannot even see buildink ve are heading to! How long is the wait?!"

"About ten years." grandpa replied.

"TEN YEARS?!"

"If you're found guilty, you go to hell."

"...On second thought, Rusev can wait."

Meanwhile...

Jeb was lying down and his blood was being transferred to Nick.. Bobby Jo-Bob had the box and toaster. Nick's head was covered in ice. "Okay Mrs. Hopps, y'all see how this box has no bottom?"

"Yes?"

"I need yew 'ta hold it over Nick's chest and press down hard. I'm goin' ta fill it with this bucket of water, so push down hard so it don't leak all over."

"I-I don't understand, but...okay!"

Bobby Jo filled the empty bucket with water. Nick's chest was made as the bottom of the bucket. He then got on some rubber gloves. "Now here comes th' dangerous part." Bobby Jo-Bob plugged in the broken toaster. He pressed the lever down and sparks went everywhere. He held it over Nick's chest and Judy freaked out.

"Woah! WOAH! What the hell are you doing?!"

"WE gotta get his heart beatin' again! Ah ain't got those fancy electric pads, so this'll have 'ta do! Readers, don't try this at home!"

He dipped the toaster into the water on Nick's chest and a huge ZAP! could be heard. Nick's body shot upwards for a moment.

Nick felt it in the afterlife. "YEEOW! Wh-What the heck's going on?!"

"You're being revived." Grandpa said. "I'm guessing they're zapping your chest."

"That smarts!" Then, Nick saw a hyena couple running towards him. "I know who this is. I know who this is!" He spread out his arms. "C'mere you two!"

The hyenas tackled Nick to the ground and licked his face. "Ha!-Ha!-Ha! Okay! Okay! The Rigsons I presume?"

Spots' mother cried in Nick's arms. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you so much! You saved her! You really saved her!"

Spot's father patted Nick on the shoulder. "She couldn't have gotten a better foster father than you. You've changed her life around!"

"Thank you." Nick said with tears in his eyes. "I'm blessed to have her in my life."

"We miss her...SO much!"

"I know. I'll be sure to tell her."

"You can't." said Nick's gandma.

"Why not?!"

"You won't remember anything that happened. Here."

Nick was a bit disappointed. "Oh...Heh! Oh well. I wish I could I forget that last five minutes of my life when my dad betrayed us all."

Grandpa rubbed his head. "Well..."

"Well what?!"

"You're going to anyway. Thanks to the slight brain damage of being dead for a few minutes. Will you forgive Judy if she never tells you about it?"

"Forgive her? I'd THANK her! After all, I ZZZAPP! OW!" Nick then looked at his body. "I'm fading!"

"You're coming back to life!"

Meanwhile...

ZZZAPP!

"I hear a heartbeat! Judy said. "It's very faint and he's still not breathing!"

"Git!" Bobby Jo-Bob yelled. He yanked the toaster plug out of the wall socket. Judy lifted the box and let the water run on the floor He jumped up on Nick's chest and started pounding it in rhythm while sealing Nick's muzzle and blowing into it.

"BLEAAH!" Nick said in the afterlife.

"What's wrong?!" asked Spot's mom.

"I dunno, but my mouth tastss like someone's kissing me and has been eating garbage all of their lives. I'd puke, but I can't!" He then looked at himself again. "I'm fading even more!"

"You're almost gone. Any last questions?"

"Yeah. Why am I an only child? Most foxes have litters!"

"Truth is, your mom wanted to keep her slim figure during her pregnancy and didn't eat as much as she should have. You got real hungry and ate your siblings in the womb."

"...I'm glad I'm not going to remember that." He looked at his paws. "I'm transparent! This is it! Goodbye everyone! Bye grandma! Bye Grandpa! I love you! Bye Rigsons!"

Nick's grandma waved goodbye. "Bye honey! Can't wait to see you Judy and Candy!"

"Wait! Who's Candy?!"

"Your second wife."

"...I'm divorcing Judy?!"

"No. You'll have two wives."

"What the fork?! Fork? I can't cuss!...HA! This is just like that TV sh-"

"GASP!" Nick was back in the land of the living.

Judy grabbed Nick's head and kissed him all over. "You're alive! ALIVE! Thank God alive!"

Booby Jo-Bob was a bit upset. "Thank God?! Y'all can thank me!"

Nick gestured towards the possum doctor. "...ister..."

Bobby Jo-bob was confused "You mean mister? Mah name is Mr. Bobby Jo-Bob Billy Jo-Jo Bob Bippity-Boppity-Boo!"

"No...Lister...ine...mouthwash. My mouth is like a sewer thank to your possum breath."

"Fangless Farah, git this fox some mouthwash!"

"Sure!" said Farah. "...What is that?"

"...It's a green liquid we use ta help flavor the moonshine."

"Oooooh! I know where that is!" she took off to get it.

Judy kept kissing Nick. "I'm so glad you're okay! You were dead for three minutes! No heartbeat!"

"Woah!...My head's numb."

Judy removed the bag of ice from the back of Nick's neck. "It's the ice. The doctor used it to slow your blood from leaving your brain. Did it work?"

"No drain bamage to speak of."

"NICK!"

"Sorry. Just kidding. Although...I don't remember anything after Rusev hit me hard in the chest. I think I passed out."

Judy was happy. Nick could be spared the pain of his father's betrayal. "He opened your stitches and you nearly bled to death. Jeb over there is donating his blood to you."

Nick looked over and saw Jeb and a tube of blood going into his and Nick's arm. Jeb smiled and waved. "Howdy!"

"Howdy doody." Nick said back. He then turned back to Judy. "So what happened?"

"...Me and Zeke killed Rusev and...that's it! Zeke saved Miss Stinx too."

Nick smiled. "My back up! Told you he was good."

"He is...Nick?"

"Yes?"

"...I hate keeping secrets from you but, something happened that if I told you, would devastate you for the rest of your life. Would you trust me if I told you that it's in your best interest and mental health not to know?"

Nick smiled. "Sounds bad, but...Judy dear. I trust you with my life, with everything. If this is so bad that it will mentally scar me for life, then don't tell me. Ignorance is bliss."

Judy kissed Nick on the cheek. "Thank you...Oh Shoot! Zeke! I need to talk to him! Can someone help me to the roof?!"

While Judy went to the roof, Nick's phone went off. He answered it while still laying on the ground. "Hello?"

"Hi Mr. Wilde! It's James."

"Oh. Chest boy. What do you want?!"

"Spots has had a hard time contacting you guys. Are you okay?"

"Barely. I died and came back to life. Possums revived me. Judy lost half a leg. We're gonna head for the hospital as soon as we can."

"What about that polar bear guy?"

"Rusev? He's dead. We got him. Tell Spots and the kids that I love them."

"Will do sir."

"And If you show your chest to her again, you'll have worse chest scars than me!"

"Y-Yes sir!" He then hung up.

Meanwhile, Judy was waiting up on the rooftop with June-Bug.

"Thar's two dead wolves!" The possum said.

"Not dead, just knocked out." Judy replied. She then saw Zeke returning. "Ah! There he is!"

"I-It's a hawk!" June-Bug yelled.

"Relax. He's with me. But go downstairs for a moment anyway. I need to have a private conversation with him.

Zeke flew down next to Judy. He saw her with a wooden peg leg and on a cane. "You came alone?!"

"I had to. I need your help."

Zeke smiled. "You...you trust me!" He started to sniffle. "Sorry. I'm...I'm getting a little teary-eyed. Does this mean you forgive me?"

"No, but it does mean I trust you. You've earned that."

"SOB! I'm sorry! I'm sorry about Jimmy! About Michael!"

"Calm down Zeke!....SIGH! Okay, I...I guess I can forgive you. A little."

The red-tailed hawk scooped Judy up and hugged her. "You are the most wonderful bunny! I-I don't deserve this!"

"No you don't! But at least I can now see how hard you're trying to make things right. Zeke, I need you to keep a secret."

"Really?!"

Nick was clinically dead for a few minutes and has minor brain damage. He doesn't remember anything after Rusev hit him in the chest."

"So...He doesn't remember his father's betrayal?"

"None of it."

"That's...that's good! That kind of thing would mess with someone's brain their entire life."

"Only the two of us know. Can you keep this secret from him?"

"Yes. I shall spare him the mental scars."

"Thank you."

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take these two ruffians to the ZPD and then I can go home. I turned myself in, but Swinton spared me as long as I saved 20 lives."

"How many did you save?"

"Fifty-two! Fifty-one minus killing Nick's father."

"That's awesome! Good for you!"

Zeke grabbed the two wolves. A talon for each leg. "Time to take out the garbage and go home. Farewell Mrs. Wilde."

"Goodbye Zeke!"

With that Judy exited and roof and Zeke flew off to the ZPD. Judy nearly passed out on the way downstairs due to her own blood loss. The possums got them down to the lobby and the rest of the tenants helped get Nick and Judy to the hospital where they spent the night getting medical treatment.

NEXT CHAPTER: AFTERMATH

The worst is over. The healing begins.