Remembering

Okay, I did not intend for this to be a loosely connected series, but actually a set of individual and unrelated scenes. I actually have no idea how many chapters this will end up being. For that, you have my apologies. I hope you can help me patch things up. As usual, this is probably rated a T, there is consensual kissing and possible heavy petting between two consenting adult males, and we also see a little bit of Sam this time.

Dean sits in the small kitchen area of yet another extended stay hotel room, drinking coffee and thinking about pie. Sam sits on the sofa, surfing the internet and researching their next case. Dean stands up and goes to the counter to put the last slice of pie out of its lonely misery. In a blink Cas appears, sandwiching himself between Dean and the counter. Dean shakes his head.

'Figures you'd be the only angel stupid enough to get between a man and his pie, Cas.'

Sam snorts at this and looks up briefly from his laptop.

'No, Dean, he just knows how to get your attention.' Dean shakes his head but doesn't move away from Cas. It's not like he likes standing next to Cas or anything.

'So what's up, Cas? Cat got your tongue?' Dean shoves his hands in his pockets so he won't be tempted to stroke the angel's wings again. Not in front of Sam, anyway.

'Dean, why would I allow a cat to have my tongue?' Cas looks even more confused than ever. Sam snorts again from the sofa.

'It's just his way of asking what's bothering you, Cas.' Cas nods at this, and looks Dean up and down.

'For some reason, I feel closer to you, Dean.'

'Well, you did squeeze yourself between me and pie, Cas.' Dean remarks laconically, glancing over at said pie, lonely on the counter. What did Cas mean, 'for some reason'? How could he forget? It was only a few weeks ago.

'Dean, why do I have a strong desire to… let you….. stroke my wings?' Cas asks, his face a question mark. Dean's eyebrows crawl up into his hairline. It was official – Cas didn't remember. That was weird. Sam sucks in a breath and grabs his laptop, rising from the sofa.

'Hey, if you guys are doin' the Watusi again, at least give me a chance to get the Hell outta' Dodge first!' Dean puts his hand out towards Sam in a stop gesture.

'Don't worry, Sam, nothin's gonna' happen right now.'

Cas looks over at Sam, new concern on his face.

'Sam, you do remember that we are in Omaha, Nebraska, and not Dodge City, Kansas?'

Sam chuckles and sits back down.

'Yeah, Cas. It's a figure of speech. It means by all that's holy please let me leave before you guys do the angel sex thing again.' Cas freezes.

'Angel sex thing? Again?' He turns to Dean, alarmed questions on his face. 'Dean, what happened? Why can I not remember something like that? I don't think that is something I would forget. ' Dean shakes his head again.

'Yeah, we talked about that, too. Your memory gaps, and how you didn't think it was just damage from getting' out of Purgatory, because as a fallen angel you shouldna' been able to get out at all.' Cas's face drains of color.

'I was sent to Purgatory? Dean, what did I do?' Cas's voice is a strained whisper. Dean puts his hand out and rubs Cas's shoulder. Cas needed a little reassuring, it's not like he enjoyed touching Cas or anything.

'You didn't do anything, Cas. You helped us put that asshole Leviathan Dick Roman back in Purgatory. When he went, he sorta' sucked us in with him by accident.'

Cas's face falls. He remembers now… having all those souls inside him, the Leviathans ripping him apart from the inside. Dean's face when he went through the Gateway without Cas – bereft.

'I remember being a foolish little god, Dean. I remember the burden I placed on you by doing that, how badly I hurt you when I betrayed you.' Cas looks at Dean earnestly, his face an open wound of regret. Dean's face was carefully calm. Cas's betrayal hurt more deeply than he cared to think about.

'It hurts to betray you, Dean. It hurts worse than an Angel Blade every time I manage to remember it.' Cas looks down, a single tear making its way down his cheek. Dean gasps, surprised.

'Well it serves you right, Cas. You shoulda listened to me in the first place.' Dean mumbles gruffly. He gently reaches up and wipes the tear away. Cas leans into his hand for just a moment, then Dean comes back to himself and clears his throat. Sam has looked up from his laptop again, watching them.

'Um, if you guys are gonna' have a moment, I really, manifestly, do not want to be here for it.' Sam looks down and starts to gather his laptop. 'I mean, I'm all into threesomes, just not the ones involving my brother. ' He gags a little comically as he stands up.

'Simmer down, Sam. The fact that Cas can't remember that delightful bit of history really freaks me out.' Dean looks down, reluctant. 'I really don't wanna' talk about it, though.'

'Is it something you are ashamed of, Dean?' Cas's face drains of color again. 'Dean! Did I… violate you in any way?' Dean laughs at this and shakes his head.

'Cas, you idjit. No, you did not violate me.'

Sam shakes his head from the sofa.

'Still not comfortable with this conversation,' he sings sotto voce. Dean glances over.

'Sam, shut up.'

Dean looks back at Cas, his face straight and sincere.

'I don't think you are capable of violating me, Cas. And if you tried to, well, let's just say I know how to use an Angel Blade.' Dean flashes a grim grin at Cas; Cas seems mollified by this and nods. Dean leans into Cas, and for a brief second, Cas thinks Dean is about to kiss him, then shakes his head at that thought. Why would Dean kiss him? Dean sees Cas shake his head.

'What is it now, Cas?' Dean asks, opening the cabinet next to Cas's head and getting a small plate out. He was going to rescue that pie; it wouldn't have to be lonely anymore. He flashes a grin over at Cas. It would be easier if he moved away from Cas, but dammit, he wasn't gonna' move for anyone. Cas oughta' be polite and move outta his way. And anyway, it's not like he enjoyed standing so close to Cas or anything….

'Dean… for a brief moment I thought you were going to kiss me, and…. now I am disappointed.' Cas observes; Sam looks up, alarmed at the tone of the conversation.

'Listen, guys, I'd love to find out what Cas doesn't remember, but I really, really, really, don't want a blow by blow of this.' Sam shakes his head and goes back to typing on his laptop. Dean smirks at Cas.

'Disappointed, huh?'

Cas nods meekly, glancing down at Dean's full mouth. He gulps audibly and turns his gaze resolutely forward. Cas had an overwhelming desire to have Dean stroke his wings, and kiss him and stand so close to him. He liked standing close to Dean. Dean smelled so good… And in a flash, the memory came back to him. Cas gasps and grabs a fistful of Dean's shirt. Dean looks up, surprised.

'Eh, careful there, tiger.'

'Dean, I remember! I remember, Dean! I thought about how good you smell, and the memory came back.'

Sam groans from the sofa.

'Really guys? Am I, like, in Hell again?' Sam stops typing on his laptop, and begins searching his pockets. 'Where are my earbuds?'

Dean looks over at Cas, puts his hand over Cas's where it grips his shirt. He wants Cas to rip the shirt off and…. Nope, ain't goin' there….

'I smell good, huh?' Dean quips, all male bravado covering up the fact that he feels profoundly moved by Cas right now. Cas looks down, bashful. He can feel Dean's soul, he can feel how content Dean is to stand close to him, to be with him.

'Yes, Dean. I remember.' Cas looks up through hooded eyes, his face downcast still. 'Thank you, Dean. I… I don't think I've ever shared that with anyone before.' Cas looks down again, his hand flattened against Dean's chest. 'I would do anything for you, Dean.'

Sam shoots up from the sofa again, laptop in hand.

'And that's my cue. I am so outta' here. Call me when you're smokin' ciggies afterwards, guys.' Sam leaves the hotel room, mumbling about sex crazed angels.

'You really shouldn't say that unless you mean it, Cas.' Dean's eyes are heavy, and he struggles to maintain his composure. It's not like he feels like being close to Cas right now…

Cas raises his head from Dean's neck and looks Dean in the eyes. He pulls Dean by the shirt, pressing himself between Dean and counter, so Dean's whole body is flush with his. Their faces aren't even inches apart, and Cas seems mesmerized by Dean's mouth. Tentatively, he brushes his lips against Deans. Dean grabs the back of Cas's neck and kisses him back briefly and fiercely before pulling away. What the hell was he doing, kissing Cas? What was wrong with him? He just wanted to eat his pie in peace, really. He didn't want to kiss Cas, or be close to him. Nope, not at all.

'What are you doin' to me, Cas?' Dean mutters quietly. He rests his forehead against the cabinet front next to Cas's head. His hands have a mind of their own, finding their way under Cas's shirt, tracing the many scars. What did it take to leave a scar on an angel? They healed themselves didn't they? 'Where did you get these scars, Cas? Can't you heal yourself?' Cas puts his arms around Dean, pulling him closer, if that were possible.

'I…. I do not know, Dean.'

'What in Heaven's name does it take to scar an angel that badly?' Dean mumbles to himself, lifting his head from its rest against the cabinet front. 'Cas, what the hell have they done to you?' Cas looks pale and forlorn.

'I do not know, Dean. I do not know.'

'Don't leave, Cas. Please?' Dean whispers, almost to himself.

'I do not want to leave, Dean.'

'Why do you, then?' Dean asks, suddenly exasperated.

'I have responsibilities, Dean.'

Dean rolls his eyes.

'What about us, Cas? Aren't we important?' Dean glances over at Cas, suddenly busy scraping the last piece of pie out of the pan. It didn't matter one little bit to him whether or not he was important to Cas. Nope, not one little bit. Cas cups Dean's chin in his hand and gently turns his face towards him. A normally contrary Dean allows this because he doesn't want to admit he likes it when Cas touches him.

'You are the most important person to me, Dean. But I cannot evade my responsibilities. I am sorry.'

Dean shrugs, twisting his face out of Cas's grasp. There were too many hopeless nights when he prayed – not with tears, it was dry eye! – and Cas never showed up.

'Why don't you come when I call you, Cas?' Cas's face is incredulous.

'Dean, I come every time you call! I have come to you in the midst of battle, Dean!' Cas's voice is nearly a shout. Dean quietly shakes his head.

'No, Cas. Half the time you never come. Half the time I never know if you even hear me.' Dean's voice is a whisper, reluctant. He really doesn't like to talk about this; too much like begging to say how much he needs Cas. But if he's going to get Sammy through this, he needs Cas. Cas's face is devastated when Dean looks up; Dean is surprised.

'Dean, I….' Cas looks forward into some mysterious middle distance. 'Dean, I know this is no excuse, but do you realize that when another angel with more power and authority than me summons me, I go whether I want to or not?' Cas looks down, ashamed. 'I am not supposed to talk about such things with humans.' Cas looks over at Dean, reluctant to see his face. Dean's face is surprised. 'And I cannot leave unless that angel either allows it, or I create enough of a distraction to escape.' Dean shakes his head.

'Listen to yourself, Cas. You sound like a prisoner, not a soldier.' Cas's shoulders sag a little in relief. He had been afraid that Dean would not understand. He looks over at Dean, relief clear on his face.

'I am so glad you understa-'

In a blink, Cas is gone.