I don't own Glee or anything that belongs to it.

Chapter 4

Rachel was relieved that the Amercan Sign Language lesson was finally over. In the beginning, she had liked learning this new way of communication because she was finally able to express herself again. But she soon found out that there were not really many people to converse with. Basically, the only one she could converse with was her teacher at the community center. And since she had isolated herself from all her friends and family, her hands mostly stayed silent. She would Skype with her dads once in awhile. They put in some effort learning ASL to communicate with her, but these were just some rare moments when Rachel was actually connected so the outside world, to people she knew.

Rachel just did not want to see the pity on people's faces, more so if they knew her from before, knew of her dream, of her success, of her voice.

Therefore, when she saw Quinn on the street, it had shocked her to her inner core. She still had not gotten over the fact that her former friend had cut her off in the most ungracious way, ignoring her without ever giving an explanation. It had taken Rachel a very, very long time to not think of Quinn anymore on a daily basis; to not pick up the phone and try for the thousandth time to call her, hoping that this time Quinn would actually pick up the phone.

Rachel's career had helped her to get her mind off Quinn. However, her heart was another matter. Her damn traitorous heart was not with her on this one. She just could not forget. Not even after four years. She was still thinking about Quinn a time too often. She was wondering about her, asking herself the same questions over and over again without ever getting an answer.

After the accident, when she found herself in this horrible new world without sound, without music, without singing, she just wished that Quinn were there. Out of all people and friends she had, she was longing for Quinn. The one person who did not want to have anything to do with her.

During her lesson, Rachel was so distracted to the point that her teacher Carmen Rodalba had asked if she wanted to reschedule. Rachel had denied the offer. She managed to concentrate for five minutes before her mind wandered again.

Why did she have to run into Quinn? Why did that have to happen? It woke all the sleeping demons inside her again, she already felt them stirring. She could not handle that right now. It cost her enough effort to get through each damn day. She wanted to forget that little incident on the street that morning. She wanted to forget Quinn Fabray. Rachel wanted to forget her entire former life and everything that came with it. Maybe that would make it easier to face the life she had now.

With that thought still lingering in her mind when the lesson finished, Rachel was so not prepared to see Quinn a second time that day. She felt all the color drain from her face as Quinn's presence washed over her. Panic started to rise. She wanted to dash to the exit, but Quinn was situated between her and the doors. Unsure, Rachel stood rooted to the spot while a whole range of emotions flooded through her. She felt her heart hammer a stampede in her chest. Then she felt a tap on her shoulder and jerked around. Her teacher brought her the textbook that she had forgotten and with that small exchange gave everything away.

Rachel noticed the bewildered look on Quinn's face. Surely she must have guessed by now what had happened to her. Rachel's chest felt tightened; panicky she was looking for a way to get to the exit, away from Quinn and her imploring eyes.

What did Quinn want from her? Why had she come here? Why could she not leave her alone as Rachel had asked her to? What did Quinn expect by coming back for her? Assuming that she had come back because of Rachel.

Whatever, how should they communicate now? Moreover, how could Rachel ever tell Quinn what had happened and what it had done to her life? Actually, why would it interest Quinn in the first place? She had not been interested in her for the past years. Surely, she would not want to hang around her now, as damaged and useless as she was. Besides, even if Quinn wanted to talk to her, the difficulty started with the simplest thing.

She could not hear what Quinn was saying, neither was Quinn able to sign.

There was just no basis for communication.

Rachel could still speak though. The accident left her deaf, but she still had her voice. Besides sign language lessons she also had had speech therapy– to learn to modulate her voice without being able to hear herself speak. She had not needed many lessons. Her teacher had been surprised at how well she managed. Then again, with her lifelong practice, all she ever did was train and control her voice. Deaf or not, she could still do that. Granted, it took a lot more effort, but she could manage. And her teacher assured her that if one didn't know about her condition, one would not really hear a difference in her speech. That did not happen often, but he assured her that her training at least paid off in that regard.

As if that was a consolation.

Rachel never used her voice. She just was not comfortable speaking. She had to concentrate so much on the other person's face in order to gauge reactions, to try to read lips, observe their body language, that she found it hard to concentrate on modulating her voice. She did not want to concentrate. She just wanted to speak or sing. It always was so easy to her, why was it so damn hard now?

When she had talked to Quinn on the sidewalk, it was the first time in months that she had used her voice again. She was aware that she was whispering, she felt insecure speaking up after not having used her voice for a long time. Her speech therapist had told her to keep practicing, to find people she trusted to give her feedback. But she had shut everyone out. Therefore, no practice.

Now standing in front of Quinn again, she thought hard on how to escape that situation without giving anything away. When she finally decided to run, Quinn held her by the arm. So, no easy escape.

Quinn was just so obnoxiously stubborn! A streak she had already portrayed during their high school years. Rachel should have expected that Quinn would follow her here. Still, it was really upsetting to be near her again.

Under normal circumstances, she would have been miffed, but mostly glad. She would have demanded an explanation, but she probably would have found a way to forgive Quinn and move on to build a new friendship with her.

Now she just could not see how. She was not the Rachel who Quinn knew anymore. She herself did not even know the new Rachel she had become, much less liked her. She missed taking the world head on, missed her own energetic self, happy to take on any new challenge.

She raised her eyes to Quinn's face, flickered shortly to her eyes before settling on her lips. She understood roughly that Quinn mentioned her name and said something about talking. The rest was unreadable. Quinn's lips moved and Rachel had no idea what she was saying. The frustration she had bagged inside for so long exploded in that moment. She had tried to lock up every emotion inside. But Quinn's presence and all that it presented about her past, about what she had lost was a key. A key that unlocked the chest of her emotions. It broke out of her with a force that stunned even herself. She had not spoken a single word in months. Now Quinn had made her raise her voice twice in one day.

She screamed her rage at Quinn. She blamed Quinn for her ignorance, for her ability to still hear and for trespassing into her life without asking. She did not say it in so many words, but she felt all this bitterness and resentment in her voice when she yelled at Quinn.

"Quinn, stop talking to me! Don't you get it? I can't hear what you are saying. I can't hear you! Just let me go!"

When she saw the look of shock on Quinn's beautiful face Rachel lost it completely. She did not want to be pitied, did not want to be looked down on. When Quinn grabbed her she tried to pull away to get out of this situation she knew she would not be able to control anymore, but the arms that surrounded her were too strong. And her will was breaking down.

Fast.

Before she knew it her struggles turned into sobs and she found herself clinging to Quinn's slender form, burying her head in her jacket. She cried so hard she feared she would faint. If Quinn had not held her so tightly, she probably would have collapsed. It seemed that the frustration, anger, and desperation that she had bottled up for the past months gushed out of her and she just could not stop that torrent of tears.

After what seemed like ages, she finally felt her sobs die down, her breath coming up in short little hiccups. She felt Quinn rubbing her back with her hand, her chin lightly on top of her head. Suddenly she was acutely aware of Quinn's nearness, of her body close to hers, of Quinn's heartbeat that she could feel against the side of her head.

Rachel felt embarrassed all of a sudden. She wanted to pull back but Quinn pressed her against herself once more. After a short hesitation, Rachel just leaned into the embrace again. And just for a small moment, she allowed herself to forget about everything else.

She held Quinn in her arms, and even though Quinn now knew Rachel's truth, she had not run away. Neither did Quinn let her escape, as she had wanted to. Instead, she just embraced Rachel and that embrace told her everything without having to use any words.

After another while, Quinn loosened her arms and pulled back a little. Rachel let go reluctantly, fearing that Quinn would pull away completely after having seen her break down. She could not imagine what Quinn could still be wanting from her. One embrace did not mean anything. She had probably interpreted too much meaning into it.

But the blond woman just cupped Rachel's face in her hands and raised her head to look into her eyes. Rachel's eyes flickered back to Quinn's lips, but they didn't move. So she gazed up into her eyes again. What she saw there, let her tears flow freely again. And she thought she had already cried them all. She did not know that a person could convey so much, so many feelings and meanings in one single look.

Quinn's eyes were full of concern, warmth, and tenderness. She saw hope in these green pools. And something else.

Something she could not quite believe. So she looked again. It was definitely there.

Through her tears, she noticed Quinn smile, bend down a little, and place a kiss on her forehead. God, would this woman ever stop surprising her one way or the other?