Again, I do not own Glee or its characters.

Chapter 5

Quinn looked into those beautiful brown eyes that she had fallen in love with right after falling for Rachel's voice back at McKinley. She tried to convey all her feelings in one look, wanting desperately for Rachel to see, to understand that she would never leave her again. No matter what had happened to her, no matter if she could hear or not.

Quinn still had to digest this and what consequences it brought to Rachel's life, but for now she was just so glad to have found her again. They would manage to overcome this barrier, she was sure of it, but she wasn't sure if Rachel was willing to. After all, how could she trust her again? Quinn would not blame her if she left her standing there, not wanting to traverse further. But something in her heart told her that Rachel would not turn away this time.

And there she stood, smiling shyly, apologetically, wiping the tears from her cheeks. Then Quinn noticed Rachel's gaze shift to her right. She heard someone approaching from behind and turned to look. It was the teacher who had handed Rachel the book earlier on.

"Rachel, are you ok?" The tutor signed as she spoke, concern lacing her voice.

Rachel nodded.

Yes, thank you, she signed as she mouthed the words without sound, suddenly feeling very self-conscious in Quinn's presence.

Rachel's teacher looked at Quinn and after a short hesitation, she extended her hand.

"Hi, I'm Carmen, Rachel's ASL coach."

"Hi, I'm Quinn. An old… friend of Rachel's from High School. Nice to meet you." Again the words were accompanied with Carmen's signing for Rachel's benefit.

Quinn touched Rachel's forearm lightly to get her attention.

"Rachel." With a quizzical expression, Quinn then looked at Carmen. The dark haired women understood immediately and positioned herself next to Quinn. This way Rachel would be able to see Quinn and Carmen's interpretation. With a short nod of her head and a smile, she motioned Quinn to continue, while she could interpret for the other young woman.

Quinn took a deep breath.

"Would you… would you like to have some lunch with me?"

Rachel did not answer at first. Quinn noticed her chew on her lower lip, a habit she had also displayed in high school when she was unsure of something or when she was deep in thoughts.

The blond young woman already feared she would decline. She noticed Rachel's gaze flicker to the exit. Clearly, she felt uncomfortable. Quinn understood that under these circumstances, her unbidden presence must have put Rachel under immense pressure. She was about to back out of her offer and already took a breath to offer her friend a way out when Rachel nodded.

Quinn's heart almost leaped out of her chest with so much joy that small concession from her friend had brought her. Could she call her friend, still?

"Rachel, I … don't know ASL very well. Some words I remember from classes in middle school, but I am far from fluent." She smiled apologetically. "I don't want … I don't want us to feel awkward. What form of communication are you comfortable with if there is no interpreter?"

Quinn fervently hoped that she had not offended Rachel with that open and honest question. She tried to relay all her feelings into her own eyes, wishing the brown haired girl would be able to read everything in them. She wanted Rachel to see that she was willing to do whatever it took to get back into her former best friend's life. She was willing to adapt to however that life looked like now. Her only wish was to make Rachel comfortable, so she could learn to trust her again.

Rachel seemed to ponder the question. Carmen wanted to say something to her but Rachel stopped her with her hand held up.

Paper and pen usually does the trick. She moved her hands while Carmen spoke the words aloud. Then Rachel dug into her bag and pulled out a little notebook. She scribbled something on an empty page and handed it to Quinn.

Quinn almost had to smile at the flourishing handwriting. Except for the missing little circles on the i's it was still the same handwriting she knew. The familiarity gave her a warm feeling.

I know a small but good vegan :-) Restaurant nearby.

Quinn had to laugh at the smiley. She jutted her chin out to the direction of the door and smiled. Rachel quickly thanked Carmen and walked next to Quinn towards the door. Outside she pointed to the left and Quinn followed her lead.

While walking down the sidewalk, they both stole glances at each other every time they thought the other wasn't looking. They tried to gauge each other's moods, both hoping that the other girl did not regret the decision of having lunch together.

After walking a block, Quinn touched Rachel's right arm. When she turned with a questioning look on her face, Quinn wrapped her again in a hearty embrace and held her for a moment. When she let her go again, Rachel had a little frown on her face and a small smile as if to ask what was that all about.

Quinn shrugged and looked sheepishly on the ground, a smile playing around her lips. Her actions had surprised herself. She just had to let Rachel know how thankful she was for their encounter, however dramatic it had been.

... ... ...

Rachel found herself walking through the streets beside Quinn feeling… feeling oddly… she was searching for the right word. Feeling somehow lighter. As if some of the heaviness on her heart had been lifted.

She was also surprised at how live could change from one second to the next. Just like her accident had changed her whole life in an instant, the meeting with Quinn etched a door into one of her self-erected walls all of a sudden. Well, maybe not a full door. But a hatch.

Still, Quinn would have a lot of explaining to do and all of that in this paper pencil style would be very arduous and time consuming. That thought sobered her up. All of a sudden, her mood changed again to that well-known dread.

What on earth was she thinking? Going to lunch with someone? Not just someone, Quinn! Rachel still could not grasp what she was doing and what Quinn really wanted from her. This wasn't a game. This was her life now. She could not let Quinn enter just to watch her leave again as soon as she noticed that she could not have a normal conversation with her anymore. Not if she was not able to speak her language. Everything was so much more complicated.

After stripping everything else off, it came down to the point that there was no music left in Rachel Berry's life. Rachel had also followed Quinn's career moves. Quinn was a singer on Broadway! How could she want a deaf friend? The little familiar voice kept nagging inside her head and lead her to slow her steps until she came to a stop. Quinn turned around and furrowed her brow.

Rachel shook her head and looked down. She had to escape those green, imploring eyes. God, she had always thought that Quinn had the most beautiful eyes but only now Rachel noticed that Quinn could speak volumes in just a single glance, putting all her feelings into one look, transmitting so much without words. She could read Quinn like no one else. Quinn's eyes found their way directly into her soul.

It scared her.

A piece of paper entered her field of vision.

Rachel, I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to. But don't expect me to give up on you again! If you walk, I walk with you. If you hide again, I will hide with you. I will stay. No matter what.

Rachel shook her head and raised her shoulders and mouthed without a sound why?

Damn, she felt tears filling her eyes again.

Let's sit down and let's get something to eat. Then we can discuss this further, ok? C'mon :-).

She could almost hear Quinn's silky voice behind the written words. Quinn did not wait for an answer but tenderly took her right hand and tugged playfully. Rachel felt her feet moving on their own. What now, not just her heart, her feet also betrayed her now? Such traitors!

They found a booth in the corner of the almost empty restaurant. Quinn let Rachel choose and she picked the side of the table where she had the rest of the room in front of her and the wall behind her. This way, she had everything in her field of vision and no one could startle her from behind.

It did not really look like a typical vegan place. It rather reminded Quinn of a diner straight from the 60s. The floor was covered in black and white tiles, the bar and walls up to the elbows were painted in petrol and the seats of the booths and stools at the bar were spanned in yellow artificial leather. The bar itself looked like the front end of an enormous stylized old Cadillac.

Quinn decided to start their conversation with a light topic.

You know, this place looks like they serve meat burgers instead of tofu…

The observation had the desired effect. Rachel smiled at the comment and scribbled an answer.

I know. This used to be a burger joint, but the new owner liked the interior design so much so he decided to keep it that way. I like it!

Burger "joint"? Rachel, really? Quinn teased with a mischievous smile on her face.

Rachel waved dismissively with a hand at Quinn's comment.

It's written like that in the menu when you look at the first page.

They both buried their heads in the menus and took a few minutes to select their meal.

Quinn looked up and met Rachel's brown eyes. The blonde smiled, feeling shy all of a sudden under the scrutiny of Rachel's gaze. Then Rachel waved a little with the menu and looked quizzically at Quinn. The blonde turned her menu upside down so Rachel could read it and pointed to the fried rice with tofu and grilled vegetables. She nodded her approval and showed Quinn what she would order.

When the waitress approached, Quinn ordered her own food. With a glance at Rachel, she asked for her permission to order for her as well.

Rachel was surprised. It seemed so natural and so easy around Quinn. She did not pretend and she did not decide for her. She accepted her and at the same time adapted to her needs without much show or pretense.

It was so much more difficult with her dads. Well, it had gotten better, but she felt just horrible around them in the beginning. They had really been trying but were either overbearing or more devastated than she was; one of the reasons she had decided to stay in New York.

Rachel felt a tap on her hand. Quinn slid the pad towards her.

Where are you? You seemed a million miles away.

Thinking about my dads.

Do you miss them? Don't you wanna go...

Quinn scratched the last sentence she had begun to write.

Rachel frowned at the crossed out words. Quinn made a dismissive gesture, indicating she should forget about it. Instead the brunette started to note something down.

Quinn craned her neck to read and when she did not succeed, she simply shifted over and sat next to Rachel so she could get the life stream of her words.

Yes. I miss them. But I was remembering – before I was interrupted :-) - that I just could not bear to stay around them. It was too hard. I lost my hearing, but they acted as if they had lost everything. I was so confused, so lonely, and so hurt in the beginning. I needed their support but it was more as if I had to comfort them. It took more strength than I could give. Therefore, I decided to stay here. I could finally convince them to go back and leave me here by myself.

Rachel paused for a moment.

Besides, even though I understood that this city would never mean the same for me, I could not turn my back yet. Going back to Lima would have meant I failed. I just couldn't face that yet. Though I have no idea how my future will look like…

She gently laid the pen down and stared at the paper. The pen rolled off the pad and landed on the table with a little chunk.

Quinn reached out and stopped herself. Then she slowly placed her hand over Rachel's and squeezed it lightly. Before she could reply, the waitress approached with their food.

It tasted delicious and Quinn enjoyed the meal. Though she noticed that Rachel did not eat much, she pushed the food around on the plate. The brunette had always been a picky eater, but when she liked something, she would display a healthy desire for food. So maybe it was the company that spoiled her appetite, Quinn thought glumly.

Too soon, her own plate was empty and she dreaded the moment she had to say goodbye to Rachel. She did not want to leave her nor did she wish for Rachel to leave. She was desperately raking her brain to find a reason to delay the inevitable. She still had so many questions she wanted to ask!

What's the look of panic on your face, Quinn?

Damn, busted.

I am worried that you will starve. You haven't eaten anything. Bad company? :-)
Rachel, if I spoiled the mood with my questions, I apologize. It is not my place to make such personal inquiries. Even though I still have many...:-)

Quinn smiled at Rachel while she read it, hoping to lighten the mood again.

How about I ask some questions now for a change?

Quinn nodded once at that.

What were you doing in this part of the town? And why did you follow me after I told you I didn't want to speak to you?

Uh, ok, coming down to the grain now. Quinn collected her thoughts for a moment.

I went with a friend to the Beacon Theater. They're having auditions for a new show. I have my day off, so I offered to accompany her.
As for your second question, I had been thinking of you for a long long time. Thinking of all the wrongs I did you for whatever good reasons I thought I had, but I realized that I couldn't go on without you in my life. It felt like… there was always something missing. So I started looking for you. I swore to myself that I would figure out what made you abandon your dream, disappearing completely off the surface of the earth.

Quinn debated whether to write the next sentence. Then she decided to stick to open honesty.

I called you yesterday and left a message on your voice mail. Rachel, I'm really sorry, I didn't know… I shouldn't have… well, your old number was the only thing that I still had to start with. It was a surprise that it still worked. I almost expected it to be out of service.

Rachel plucked the pen out of her fingers.

Elaborate. Why did you decide you needed me in your life all of a sudden?

I didn't decide "all of a sudden". I knew it from the first moment. I think I already fell for you way back then. The only problem was that I didn't want to face the truth, even though it was almost unbearable to spend my time apart from you. But… Quinn stopped writing and felt the tears threatening to come out behind her eyes. She looked up and took a deep breath, her eyes roaming the restaurant without seeing anything, just trying to get a hold on her feelings.

Rachel tapped a small finger at the "but", indicating for her friend to continue.

Rachel, I don't want to go there if it hurts you too much.

Go where?

In order to explain myself I have to explain what you and your talent meant to me. But I can understand that you might not want to discuss this.

Rachel stared at the notepad and did not move for several moments. Then she bit her lower lip.

Well, that talent is no more. And you are right. It hurts too much. Let's get the check, ok?

Quinn was slightly taken aback by Rachel's words. Though she could understand and she had asked for it. Nevertheless, she feared that the slight bond she had felt developing between them had ripped again.

She stole a glance at the brunette. Rachel sat with her hands folded in her lap, solemnly staring at the table, avoiding Quinn's gaze.

... ... ...

Rachel felt a tumult of feelings raging inside her when she read Quinn's words. Was it true? She actually wanted Rachel in her life? And what did she mean by 'I fell for you'? Well, whatever it meant, that was obviously a long time ago and before Quinn knew what had happened.

On the other hand, Quinn had not abandoned her so far, she even went to have lunch with her. And overall it wasn't as bad Rachel had expected it to be. Somehow, she had not felt left out. Quinn had managed to include her. Even though she had ordered, she had asked for her permission to do so. She did not assume, as most people did. Rachel had to admit that Quinn was really making an effort here.

Rachel felt the note pad nudge her hand slightly. She lifted her eyes and scanned the sentence she had written again. …that talent is no more. Then her eyes dropped to the newly added line from Quinn.

Rachel, but you still are. And you still mean a lot to me.

Rachel felt the beautiful green eyes on her. She could not quite bring herself to meet them. It was all so confusing. She had expected to have everything under control, all her feelings stowed away neatly into some place where they would never surface again. But as Quinn drifted back into her life, all these emotions washed back into her heart. And there was nothing she could do about it.

On one hand, she felt so inexplicably happy that Quinn was sitting here next to her, that she was actually interested in her, wanted to know how she was. On the other hand, it just made Rachel's loss even more prominent.

As long as she was alone, she could try to ignore the fact that she was deaf. Well, try. Though never completely succeed. As soon as she interacted with another person, she became painfully aware of her limitations. It was present in every single moment. She was different. She was a bother. People had to accommodate to her needs. Rachel did not want to feel like that. She did not want to be a burden. So she stayed by herself.

Yes, she was used to other people accommodating to her needs. However, that was because she had this incredible talent and nourishing it just had meant for others to step back and let her take the lead. Sometimes she had forced this more than necessary, she had realized belatedly.

However, the difference then was, she had always had a choice. Now she didn't.

Quinn also had a choice. And she had chosen to stay. Even though it was still difficult for Rachel to gauge Quinn's true feelings. She wished so much to hear her voice. Hear the sincerity ring behind the words she had pinned down on the lined paper. So finally, she raised her eyes and met Quinn's gaze and saw the truth behind the words she had written.

She practically begged for Rachel to believe her. There was something else in Quinn's eyes that caused Rachel to catch her breath. She almost reached out to her friend in a close embrace, but stopped herself just in time.

She could not let that happen. The doubts still lingered, despite all the pretty words the blond had written down. Could she trust Quinn ever again? No. She would not let Quinn ride into her life like her knight in shining armor to save her from the dreary life as a deaf girl with dead dreams. Rachel had already opened up too much for her own good. It would be difficult to live through the memories of these two encounters with Quinn.

Rachel pulled out her wallet and searched for the waitress, ignoring Quinn's pleading look. She pulled out some bills and placed them on the table. She had to leave. Now.

Please Quinn, I need to go. I can't do this anymore now.

When she saw that Quinn had read the sentence, she stuffed the legal pad in her bag and stood, pointedly avoiding eye contact with Quinn. Thus making it very clear that she had ended their conversation, not giving the other woman a chance at reconnecting.

Quinn sat stunned at the table, and Rachel hoped that she would just let her leave. However, a small traitorous part inside her was almost a little disappointed that there was no hand holding her back.

Outside she took a deep breath. She knew that she was acting irrationally, but she could not help herself. She had lived too long in her cocoon to let someone in so quickly.

When she reached her apartment, all she wanted was for sleep to wash away the memory about the last hours. But her mind would not let her rest. And sleep deprived her, usually the only remedy that had always helped to end the carousel of thoughts in her head.

Finally Rachel got up again and sat on the couch with her laptop and stared at the empty screen for a long time. Her mobile phone lay next to her on the cushion. Then she snatched it, connected it to the laptop and opened a software that allowed her to transcribe speech into written text. After a short moment, Quinn's message flickered across her screen.